I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ahhh. I am resting comfortably after a cool, rainy day of indoor naps and…hey! What was that?
Me: What? Here, have a cheese cracker. The good kind.
Stella: Thank you. Don’t mind if I do…hey!
Me: Have another cracker.
Stella: I get it! That’s a sneaky move, Lady Human! You trick me with belly rubs and my favorite crackers so you can snip my toenails. Well, cut it out!
Me: l don’t see you turning down the snack.
Stella: Of course not. What do I look like? An idiot with no crackers?
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is unbearable! It must stop!
Me: Unbearable what? Stop what?
Stella: It’s Wiggles. She lays around wherever. She eats whatever. She is constantly demanding attention from you, attention that rightfully belongs to me! And…
Me: And…?
Stella: Every time I leave the room, she scoots into my special place! Now it smells more like her than it does like me. And I like my smell better than hers. She has taken over the world!
Me: I believe that is a bit of an overstatement. The world is a pretty big place.
Stella: You must stop her, Lady Human! Hold one of those silly human elections of yours.
Me: I don’t believe that would work. Wiggles just does what Wiggles wants to do. Nobody elected her.
I am Wiggles. That is all. What are you doing, Lady Human?
Me: Cleaning up the yard. The summer plants that die need to be removed. What are you doing?
Wiggles: Staying out here with you without the others.
Me: This is the first time you have gotten up on the picnic table in a good long while.
Wiggles: It is cool now. Hey, what is that noise?
Me: Oh, just the big trash truck coming through.
Wiggles: Hey! Everybody! There’s a big truck coming near!
Me: Uh, I already know that.
Wiggles: Listen! Everybody! A big truck!
Me: Why do I need to hear this? I already know about the big truck.
Wiggles: My big voice will warn everyone.
Me: Yep. Oh, listen! Now the rest of the pack is up from their afternoon nap because of your big voice. There is nothing wrong and nothing to be done. Just relax.
Wiggles: I am relaxed. I just notified the whole world about the big loud truck. Yay me!
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I’m put out, Lady Human.
Me: And that is news how?
Stella: Wiggles has too many beds.
Me: And how many is too many?
Stella: And number more than I have.
Me: Let’s see. Well, you have a palace in my room and your bed and breakfast spot in the den.
Stella: See! Two! Only two. Wiggles sleeps in her special blanketed box, in her crate, behind your big chair, beside my den bed, and, when she can make it, on your big chair. That’s one…two…three…four…five. Oh, and guess where she was this morning? IN MY BED AND BREAKFAST SPOT IN THE DEN!
Me: True, but she walked away when you walked in.
Stella: There should be an equality of beds.
Me: For Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie, too?
Stella: Well, no, they are just children. They can make do. I need to rest my weary bones. Preferably in at least five or six different places.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What did you bring me, Lady Human? What? What? What? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Me: Nothing.
Stella: What?
Me: This was a wasted trip.
Stella: Store trips are never wasted on me.
Me: Well, this one was. I got there only to discover that I had left the money at home.
Stella: So? What’s money got to do with it?
Me: Sounds like a good name for a song.
Stella: What’s a song got to do with it?
Me: This is the way things work. Stores sell stuff for money. No money, no stuff. I forgot to put the money in my purse, so no shopping for stuff today.
Stella: But they wouldn’t deprive a dog just because her human was silly.
Me: It applies to dog stuff, too.
Stella: Take the money and go back.
Me: Maybe tomorrow. We aren’t out of anything yet.
Stella: I am out! I am out your special store treat for your Special Stella. Next time, I will go with you and I will carry the money in my mouth, so you won’t be silly and forget it.
Me: No, you won’t be carrying the money in your mouth. You might try to eat it.
Stella: Only if it tastes good. Otherwise, I will use it to buy my treat.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s in the big bag?
Wiggles: It’s food. Some kind of food.
Doodlebug: Over here! Put it over here!
Miss Sweetie: What else do you have, Lady Human? I could use something with cheese on it.
Me: This is not a buffet, y’all. And what I have here is chicken feed and no, you are not eating chicken feed.
Miss Sweetie: Then who is going to eat it?
Me: The chickens, honey.
Doodlebug: Doesn’t sound fair to me.
Stella: I think it is. All we have to do to get the chickens’ food is ask for it. They will kick it out to us. They love us. And our big bulldog heads scare them.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What are you doing, girl? Do you want to go outside?
Stella: Go outside? Noooooo! I’ll just stand here, looking out this clear door. By the way, you may want to clean this sometime. Somebody smeared paw mud on it.
Me: Yeah, I’ll get around to it one day. Why are you staring out there?
Stella: Somebody has to stand watch.
Me: I guess that’s so, but what are you watching for?
Stella: Danger.
Me: Danger like what?
Stella: The worst kind – possums and squirrels.
Me: I would have added skunks to that list. They make quite an impression if they get startled. You’re not going to stay there all night, are you?
Stella: Are you going to take over?
Me: Me? No, I was planning on getting a good night’s sleep.
Stella: Typical human. Well, somebody has to stand watch. Hey, Wiggles! Come over here! I’m going to bed.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Back off, Wiggles!
Wiggles: How come? This is my corner, too.
Me: What is going on now?
Stella: This is my palace and Wiggles keeps going in it like it’s hers. She has her own place.
Me: Does this have something to do with the beds being moved around the other day?
Stella: Yes. No. Maybe.
Wiggles: Tiger slept in this corner. It smells like her. It reminds me of her.
Me: You and Tiger didn’t get along that well.
Wiggles: But now I miss her. And now Stella has her day bed in Tiger’s corner.
Me: Compromise settlement proposal.
Stella: Is that something good to eat?
Wiggles: Does it taste like chicken?
Me: No.
Stella: Aw.
Wiggles: Aw.
Me: Stella keeps her bed where it is. Wiggles, you can nap next to her. Then, at night, you can use her day bed.
Wiggles: Hmmmm…
Me: May I point out to all parties involved that you, Wiggles, have your own bed, the spot behind my chair, and your special blanketed box under the table? I understand that none of you likes change and this has been a hard one that no one wanted. Get along with each other, okay? Agreed?
Wiggles: Agreed.
Stella: Agreed, so long as you throw in something that tastes like chicken.
Bulldoggy 