dog fiction – Page 3

Mouth Traffic Jam – Stella’s Blog

Posted on July 14, 2016July 14, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Once again, hello!

We bulldogs are known everywhere by our big, beautiful mouths. They are wide and deep and framed on the bottom by serious-looking teeth that Lady Human calls our “upside down vampire fangs”. I don’t know what an upside down vampire is. Since she loves bulldogs, that was probably a compliment to us. Probably. Maybe. Lady Human says weird things sometimes. I still love her. Probably.

Bulldogs are vocal. Human translation: LOUD. It is one of the things I like most about us. If you are a dog, bark. If you are going to bark, BARK LOUD!

Don’t be a pipsqueak!

But having said that, there is too much bulldog mouth traffic around here. This past week has been LOUD. When Lady Human takes me somewhere in her rolling box and there are too many other rolling boxes in front of her, she says, ‘Traffic jam!’ That means we won’t get to the fun place or…yuck, the vet (a sweet lady, but you know, vet) any time soon.

What we have at our house is a MOUTH TRAFFIC JAM. Too much bulldog talk too much of the time. Why does this bother me? Because with everyone else barking, no one can hear me. As queen, I deserve to be heard first, foremost, and all the time.

If the queen barks and no one hears her, how can she be queen?

So today I am issuing a queen order. (A what? An edict? If you say so.) I am issuing an edict.

NOBODY TALKS WHILE I AM TALKING. IF I AM QUIET AND START TALKING, EVERYBODY ELSE, SHUT UP!

SIGNED, QUEEN STELLA

Well, that was easy enough. I am surprised that the humans haven’t figured out the edict thing yet. It would solve all of their problems.

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Please Walk With Me, Not Against Me – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 12, 2016July 12, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am here once again with Stella, QUEEN of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Stella: Thank you for remembering to mention my proper title.

Me: How could I forget? Training bulldogs to walk on a lead or leash has been a greater challenge than I had expected.

Stella: Wait! When you bring out the leash, I get all excited and it has been training? As in…yuck…obedience training?

Me: Uh, yeah. Not that obedience has had much to do with it. I do enjoy taking you places and walking with you, but, thus far, I consider my leash training efforts to have been a failure.

Stella: Let’s see. How would you put it? YEAH, DUH, WE’RE BULLDOGS!

Me: If I could do it safely, I would let all of you out with no leashes. But someplaces, like those state parks where we camped, won’t allow that at all, and some places, like public sidewalks, aren’t safe for you.

Cars rush by. Strange dogs are running around.

Stella: Strange dogs? What is strange about them? Just how strange are they? Do they have eight legs? Do they fly?

Me: (sigh) Strange as in unfamiliar to you. Regular dogs you have not met and that haven’t met you.

Stella: Well, all right. If you say so. You would tell me if there were such unusual dogs, wouldn’t you?

Me: If I learn of dogs that fly or dogs that run on eight legs…

Stella: Spider Dogs.

Me: Spider Dogs. Yes, I will warn you in advance. In fact, I might just stay home all the time with you.

Stella: You could still brave it to go buy more treats when we run low.

Me: Thanks, Stella, I would risk encountering monster dogs to go pick up your treats.

Stella: I know. And that is one of the reasons why I love you, Lady Human.

Me: Back to leash training. When you bulldogs “walk” on a leash, you don’t walk with me. You pull me or you veer off in a perpendicular direction, left or right.

Stella: I don’t know where this “perpendicular” is, but you are right. We pretty much go whichever way we want. As for pulling, doesn’t that help you speed up your walking?

Me: I have to speed up to walk with you. Any of you. But that’s not my goal as much as keeping myself upright and not kissing the pavement.

Stella: Pavement kissing is not your favorite thing?

Me: I don’t do it voluntarily.

Stella: I do pavement sniffing all the time and I rather like it.

Me: Two totally different activities by two totally different creatures. Can we please work on walking in the same direction with you walking beside me and not pulling me from the front or from the side?

Stella: We can work on it. Not making any promises. I can’t deny my nature.

Me: But you can curb it.

Stella: Curbs. Yes. I totally understand curbs.

“Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3 KJV)

Stella’s Blog – An Open Letter to My Sister, Snoopey

Posted on July 9, 2016July 9, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello!

This is an open letter to my sister, Snoopey McLoud BarkyFace:

Dear Snoopey:

Shut up!!!

You are so tense. Every noise, every hint of a noise, every time one of the humans comes or goes, up you jump and loudly you bark. Now you have me jumping up whenever you jump up. Declare an end to the stupid! I have only had two 10-hour naps today and I am sleep deprived. All thanks to you.

The humans are under pressure because of bad things that happened within miles, but not in our backyard. They are sad and that’s when they need us the most. If you are tense because they are, get over it. Jumping up to bark every few minutes won’t help anybody and, more importantly, it ticks me off!

It is late. Listen to me. I am your sister and I love you. Well, maybe, most of the time. Don’t get any ideas of taking advantage. No treat sharing or toy sharing, so don’t even ask. Sharing is for puppies and sister love extends only so far.

GO TO SLEEP! PLEASE! You will feel better in the morning. If not, we can find an island where you can go on a nice vacation and sunbathe on the warm sand. Lady Human tells me that such places exist. I don’t know that they are dog islands though, so you will probably have to get something called a “passport”.

Good Night, Snoopey! Sweet dreams. Everything will be all right.

Love (sort of),

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges (and your sister)

Stop the Noise! I Can’t Think! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 7, 2016July 7, 2016 by H.J. Hill

The noise level in the house has increased ten-fold this week. Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, may be able to shed light on why.

Stella: Not our fault. Totally falls on the humans’ shoulders. What did you think would happen when you brought a long red pole with a sponge on it into the house? Who can stand such a thing?

Me: It’s a mop. How are we supposed to mop the floor without a mop?

Stella: Stick a towel on your feet and skate. I’ve seen you do that before.

Me: On a small area. Not on the whole floor. And you didn’t just go nuts barking at the mop. Once you got your bucket kicked over, you all were barking at everything.

Stella: Our barking is a public service. If you don’t want us to bark, don’t bring in strange things that fit on the end of long poles. We hate long, skinny stuff. And don’t bring around strange people either, no matter what shape they are. We are not partial to strangers. It took us long enough to get used to you and Tall Man.

Me: Well, with all the barking, I can’t think my way out of a box.

Stella: Why would you be in a box?

Me: It means that I can’t think through even simple problems.

Stella: I am sorry, Lady Human. I am sorry that we are so annoying. We are bulldogs.

Me: No, don’t be sorry, Stella. If it weren’t for your noise, things would be too quiet around here.

Stella: As a favor to you, we will stop barking. For today only. Just to make room for your thinking. We don’t want you to be stuck in a box. Tomorrow we will recommence.

Me: Can’t we make that bark stoppage permanent?

Stella: Not if you insist on mopping.

Stella’s Blog – Why Are Humans Crazy?

Posted on July 6, 2016July 6, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello!

Today’s question: Why are humans crazy?

I wish I understood humans better. Not just their long words that don’t translate into bulldoggese, but why they keep bringing in weird stuff that is scary.

The vacuum I understand. It is loud and annoying, but I now know that it will not suck me in. The humans use it to clean up dog hair. Dog hair is not a problem, but it is the humans’ time to waste so I don’t interfere.

The little round boxes that make a false wind are not a problem anymore either. They make us feel cooler and the wind is never strong enough to knock anything down. I will allow them to stay.

Then there are all the strange, loud things that Tall Man does outside. Roaring and sawing and banging. Buzzing that sounds like a giant bee. (Oh, no! Not giant insects! Not again! If we are really quiet, maybe they will go away.)

And now, the latest horror. A LONG RED POLE with a SPONGE attached to one end. Why is that so frightening? I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT IS!

How would you like it if a long red stick with a sponge showed up in your home and someone started dipping it in water and pushing it around the floor? Exactly! You wouldn’t like it at all. We sure didn’t. We barked and yelped and told it to leave. We didn’t care that Tall Man was the one pushing it. The awful pole with the sponge had fooled him into bringing into the house. I don’t know what it was up to, what its evil plan was, but all the bulldogs agreed that it needed to leave.

Of course, Moon the Cat was no help, as usual. She slept through the whole thing or pretended to. She may have planned the whole thing. How do we know what she is doing when she is out of sight?

How can we bulldogs stop these frightening things from happening? How long will the humans bring crazy, scary things into the house?

Well, at least things have settled down…wait, what is that in Tall Man’s hands? It is a LONG GREEN POLE with a SAW on the end of it. Humans! Will the nightmare never end?

Have a nice day!

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Stella’s Blog – You Call This a Celebration?

Posted on July 5, 2016July 5, 2016 by H.J. Hill

This is Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

What was going on last night?

Boom-booms started after the sun went to bed. They rocked the sky for hours. I thought a big storm was roaring, but when I finally agreed to let Lady Human lead me out into the yard, no storm, no rain, no wind, just boom-booms and more boom-booms.

Tiger refused to go out; she was afraid of the sky booming. Ridiculous! Tiger, never pass up a chance to go to the bathroom!

Lady Human did not seem nervous or afraid so I decided that I did not have to worry, but I got my business done in double quick time all the same.

I waited for her to tell me what was happening. When she didn’t, I stared at her until she got the point. Humans need hints. I didn’t understand all of her words, but she said that the humans were celebrating something big and the boom-booming was how they showed their joy.

That makes no sense. When bulldogs celebrate, we don’t make loud noises – oh, wait, we do, but barking is not nearly so loud and annoying and scary as boom-booming in the sky. How the humans were making the sky boom, I have no idea. Humans are very clever and are able to make things fly. They are also silly and waste their time on things that have nothing to do with food, treats, or toys.

Bulldogs know how to celebrate. We dance, we prance, we roll, we bark, we talk, we eat, we sleep, we sniff, we run, we slap with our paws, we chew, we burp, and we let air out in other ways not so popular.

Humans could learn a thing or two about celebrating from us.

Finally, the boom-booming slowed down. Then it stopped. The humans causing it had fallen asleep or had run out of loud noise makers. But a little later, the sky got loud again, and this time we saw light flash. A storm had arrived. Thunder cracked and sky fire lit up everything. It went on and on.

The humans may disagree with me, but I think the Great Creator was celebrating with them.

Happy Celebrating, People!

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Why Are You Sticking Your Tongue Out at Me? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 2, 2016July 2, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I have a question for Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge…

Stella: Queen!

Me: Whatever. Why do bulldogs stick out their tongues?

Stella: Tongues need fresh air. It is a bulldog thing. Other dogs do it. Bulldogs do it best.

Me: But why?

Stella: Don’t humans stick their tongues out?

Me: Only to lick our lips or to be rude.

Stella: How is sticking your tongue out rude?

Me: To humans, it means something like, ‘I don’t care what you think. In your face.’

Stella: How is that rude?

Me: Believe me. When humans do it, it’s rude. It’s the attitude behind it.

Stella: I have no attitude behind sticking my tongue out. I do it because it feels good to me and it cools me off a little and it is a bulldog move and I am proud to be a bulldog.

Me: All right. I understand. What about when you stick your tongue out while you are sunbathing, which I have observed you are doing on a regular basis now. You never used to sunbathe.

Stella: My tongue can use a little sun, too.

Me: Aren’t you concerned that your tongue may get sunburnt?

Stella: Nope. Bulldog tongues are tough. The sun would never dare to burn our tongues.

Me: What would happen if it did?

Stella: We would have to attack that old sun and lick it until we put it out.

Me: A huge pack of bulldogs attacking the sun. I can imagine that.

Stella: Are we getting back on that imagining thing?

Me: It would take a large effort from NASA.

Stella: What is NASA? Is that a bulldog group?

Me: In a way. Keep sticking your tongue out, Stella.

Bulldogs Stink!- Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 29, 2016June 29, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello, humans! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Or simply Stella, as I like to call her.

Stella: I am not simply Stella. I am not simple at all.

Me: All right, complex Stella, what do you want to talk about?

Stella: You and Tall Man were spraying water everywhere this afternoon. Why?

Me: We were giving Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie baths. We put an attachment on the hose that sprayed water all around them, head to tail. It makes washing the soap off easier.

Stella: You wasted your time and your water.

Me: Really? I think they smell a whole lot better than they did.

Stella: Nope, not so much.

Me: We used some nice vanilla-scented shampoo.

Stella: Wasted.

Me: We scrubbed their hair and rinsed them with lots of clean water.

Stella: Wasted.

Me: Now I’m disappointed.

Stella: Have you seen how they roll around in the dirt? And in other stuff?

Me: I thought that was an accident.

Stella: Nope. Stinky dogs like stinky stuff.

Me: You don’t stink.

Stella: Nope. I am a bulldog, not a stinkpot.

Me: Maybe if we give them another bath in a few days.

Stella: Nope! Waste! If you want to save water and the environment, don’t bother bathing Doodlebug or Miss Sweetie.

Me: But if we don’t bathe Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie, we won’t be saving OUR environment.

Stella: Good point. Carry on. But don’t trust to hope. It has abandoned these lands.

Me: So what should we do?

Stella: Do what any sensible bulldog does. Take your paw and put it over your nose.

Stella’s Blog – List of Offenders

Posted on June 24, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogge. I am back with my List of Offenders. I has been a while since I revealed who is causing the most trouble in my domain so my List is necessary to keep accounts straight.

From most offensive to least offensive, they are:

Tall Man – I know that Lady Human says that humans should ever be on the List of Offenders, but Queen’s Rules rule. Tall Man has been letting his new Monster Machine that Lady Human claims is a vacuum drag him through the house again and again. It is terrifying. Then he brought out the broom. That proves that the Monster Machine is not a vacuum and Lady Human is wrong. Why sweep with the broom when a vacuum has already eaten all the dirt on the floor? Dear Tall Man, please stop cleaning. Bulldogs love dirt. Thank you.

Miss Sweetie – How can one dog carry so much dirt around? Maybe she is the reason Tall Man was cleaning so much. She is the only dog using the puppy pool that Lady Human brought us and with one plunge, the water is filthy – every day! Who takes a bath every day? No wonder the rest of us don’t jump in. Who wants to share that? Miss Sweetie, take a bath! Oh…Well then, stop getting so dirty. Not rolling in dirt would be a good start.

Tiger – Of course. What else is new? Reason? Picking fights with Snoopey. What else is new? She had gotten much better about that as though she were truly growing up. She just had her 2^nd Two years is enough time for anyone to grow up. But she couldn’t help herself. She mad dogged Snoopey one day for no reason other than snootiness. Never lock eyes with a pack leader unless you are willing to apologize later.

Snoopey – Moody. Broody. Rude-y. Unbecoming in a pack leader. As Queen, I can comment unfavorably on the pack leader. Rank hath its privileges.

Everyone else had their issues this week except for me, but they were boring so there is no need to comment on them. I was perfect. As expected. As always.

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

What Were You Dreaming About? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 23, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Hello. I am Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, here with Lady Human again. Why? I don’t know.

Me: I was watching you sleep a while ago.

Stella: That is creepy. Do you stare at the others while they are sleeping?

Me: Occasionally, but I was watching you because you were obviously dreaming and I have never seen a dog so active during sleep.

Stella: What was I doing?

Me: Your hind legs pumped as though you were running. One even jumped off the ground. Your eyelids twitched. You ruffled your lips. You huffed and puffed like you were out of breath and your sides bellowed in and out. Then your ears perked up, shifting back and forth. Your front legs stayed still, but that was the only part of you that was not engaged in whatever was going on in your head. So what was your dream?

Stella: I was wearing a crown because, you know…queen. I ran up a grassy hill, leading my people, the bulldog army. We were so many. We charged the cat because she had taken and hidden all of our treats.

Me: A whole bulldog army to chase one cat?

Stella: As the humans say, we meant business. Our treats had disappeared! They had to be rescued!

Me: Rescued so that they could be eaten by you?

Stella: Not all eaten by me. Most of them, yes because, you know…queen.

Me: So how did the battle go?

Stella: It was exciting! I was in the lead because…

Me: Yeah, I know…queen.

Stella: Now you understand. Anyway, I was running, but a bulldog with longer legs…I think it was Snoopey but it all happened so fast… passed me and others passed me and so I jumped over them. I tilted my ears left and right to direct which way the army would go. At the top of the hill I found the cat. I ruffled an order for her to leave the treats and depart. She pretended that she did not understand me and just sat licking herself as though she didn’t care. The treats were in a basket behind her. I was about to grab them with my big bulldog mouth when…I woke up. I was at home. There was no army. There were no treats. It was just a dream. Unless…

Me: Unless what?

Stella: You make my dream come true.

Never Wear a Cat on Your Head – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 22, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, the Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, here to share my royal thoughts with you again.

Me: Royal thoughts? Really? Is that what they are?

Stella: I am a queen, thus my thoughts are royal. Do you envy me?

Me: No, I’m fine with being a human commoner.

Stella: Why were you letting the cat sit on your head today?

Me: What are you talking about? The cat did not sit on my head today or any other day.

Stella: I saw her. You were wearing her like a hat.

Me: No, no, no. She was lying down on the top of my easy chair above my head. From where you sat, it probably looked as though she was on top of my head, but I do not wear cats as hats.

Stella: She thought she was your hat. I saw her slap your face with her tail more than once.

Me: That was funny.

Stella: Cats are never funny. Odd. Weird. Catlike. Sinister. But never funny. I would not let a cat slap me in the face with her tail, not even once. They get ideas. What if she decided she belonged there? What if she decided that she lived there?They think they are in charge of things. No cat would ever dare to be in charge of a bulldog, I tell you what.

Me: I have no doubt, Stella.

Conversations with Stella – The Battering Ram

Posted on June 21, 2016June 21, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella and I are hashing out one of my issues today, not that I expect to get far with it.

Stella: What does that mean? “Get far with it.” Does that mean you are going on a camping trip far away? Noooo!!! Not without me! I hate camping. I still don’t understand why we do it, but I want to go if you are.

Me: That’s so sweet, Stella!

Stella: Not sweet. I get bored when you are not around.

Me: Still sweet. I must be a little bit interesting if you get bored without me.

Stella: You throw the bouncy toys in the yard.

Me: You don’t like the bouncy toys.

Stella: I know, but you make the effort anyway.

Me: What about Tall Man?

Stella: He is not a bouncy toy sort of human. He is a walk around sort of human. When you are not here, we just walk around, looking at stuff. Who needs to look at what we have already seen? And he won’t let us play the cat chasing game.

Me: Ah, you admit it at last. It is all a game. It is not about catching the cat at all.

Stella: Who would actually want to catch a cat? Yuck!

Me: On to my question. When you come in from outside, why must you ram the door the second that I open it? You knock past me every time. Even when I get down close to your face and tell you to enter calmly, you blow in like the last thunderstorm, do your Stella Hop around the room, and only then do you settle down.

Stella: I don’t understand the problem.

Me: You hit the door like a battering ram. In fact, the ancient Romans could have used you on some of their military campaigns. I have tried to stop you. I set myself against the door and open it slowly and BAM! Here you come blasting in.

Stella: I don’t understand the problem.

Me: All the other bulldogs WALK through the door, sometimes a little fast, but still they walk in.

Stella: When they walk in, they are not being bulldogs. I am a bulldog. I am Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges as I have made abundantly clear on many occasions. I don’t simply enter a room. I make my presence known. Everybody knows when Stella is in the building.

Me: Could you maybe be a little less bulldoggy when you come in?

Stella: Less bulldoggy? NEVER!

Me: Well, you heard it from the dog’s mouth. Until next time, farewell from me and Stella the Battering Ram.

Stella: Hmmph! That’s Queen Stella to you, Lady Human! And do not forget it!

Me: How could I?

Conversations with Stella – We’re Melting!

Posted on June 16, 2016June 16, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, is here with me to have some questions answered about yesterday’s meltdown of the air conditioning.

Stella: Meltdown. Yes. That’s what it was. We were melting. Let’s not do that again. I didn’t like it.

Me: No one liked it.

Stella: The cat liked it. She was not panting. She makes me so mad.

Me: I personally have never seen a cat pant. And she was hot, too. Did you hear her meowing at me and see how she spread herself flat. That was her way of cooling off until the window unit got going.

Stella: The cat was yelling at you. We bulldogs were not yelling at you. Although I wanted to.

Me: Well, it wasn’t like it was planned.

Stella: Humans are in charge. How could it not be planned?

Me: Humans are not in charge of everything all the time. Even the stuff humans make can stop working.

Stella: Why?

Me: Parts wear out. They are not designed to last forever.

Stella: Why?

Me: Well, because they are made by humans and we don’t have the forever thing worked out yet. The Bible says in Psalm 102 that the heavens and the earth will wear out like a garment, but God will endure. The heavens and the earth have been around for a long time. He knows how to make things that last.

Stella: Can He make our A SEE last?

Me: Our air conditioner? If God were in the a/c business, He would make one that would last, I’m sure.

Stella: Is the A SEE fixed yet?

Me: Not yet. The window unit will get us all through until it is. The back part of the house is pretty warm right now so we won’t be spending a whole lot of time back there.

Stella: Oh, oh, let’s call God and ask Him to get into the A SEE business!

Me: He lets humans make machines. He set up the seasons. We have cooler weather in autumn, winter, and spring. Summer is a little more challenging for us. Remember, all of our ancestors, yours and ours, lived long lives without any air conditioning until this last century. None of my own schools were air conditioned until I went to college.

Stella: How did you all stand it?

Me: By the grace of God, we endured.

Stella’s Blog – Who Forgot to Turn the Sun Down?

Posted on June 15, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge Queen. Hello!

I am bringing a complaint to Lady Human from all the bulldogs. Something went horribly wrong today and I demand to know why.

When I went outside during the morning, I noticed that the outside air felt like the inside air. What was going on? The inside air always feels better than the outside air. At least the humans used to do a good job at that. All of a sudden, everything felt the same – HOT!

Some human forgot to turn the sun down.

This is how I believe it works: the Great Creator gave us the sun so that we can see well and run around and poop and pee and chase cats. He also gave it so bulldogs could sunbathe. I believe some human is assigned to turn the sun off at night so we can finish our daytime naps. But that human forgot and left the sun running too long and it got hotter and hotter and now the hot is inside the house.

I was here last year during the hot time and this did not happen.

Lady Human and Tall Man were sweating and we bulldogs were panting. Why humans don’t pant I do not understand. It would cool them off so much.

Tall Man was talking to the black box in his hand and some human was saying that he could not come today to fix something and I understood that whatever was broken was causing the house to be hot and was called A SEE. See a what? Humans are too complicated.

Lady Human set up lots of little boxes with spinners in them. The spinners go fast and blow air – HOT AIR! Where is my cool house air?

Tall Man added chunks of ice to our water. That was a nice touch, but WHERE IS MY COOL HOUSE AIR? The humans left and soon came back with a big box. Tall Man worked at the window and put a white box in it. He pushed on the box. It whirred like other human toys, but this one breathed out cold air. YAY!

Ahhhh!!!! The cool air returned. The sun must have trapped it in that white box that Tall Man stuck in the window. Once again, Tall Man is our hero. He wrestled the cold air box from the sun and brought it home.

I felt like eating so I did. So did the others. I didn’t need to pant anymore. Neither did the others.

I will discuss all of this with Lady Human later. Right now, I am going to take a nice, long, cool nap.

Farewell until next time,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Conversations with Stella – I Saw What You Did

Posted on June 13, 2016June 13, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Me: I have invited Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, to have a conversation today regarding…

Stella: I know…I know. Something I did wrong. It has to be. No one ever wants to talk to a bulldog about what went right. Poor old bulldog. Poor old Stella.

Me: Stella, self-pity is unbecoming and undignified, especially in a bulldog.

Stella: Well, someone has to do it. Who will pity me if I don’t pity myself?

Me: Pity poor old Snoopey instead.

Stella: Nope. She already gets too much attention.

Me: She is the Alpha of the dogs. When she sounds an alarm, it’s never nonsense. There is always a reason and so we pay attention.

Stella: Is her alarm bark why she gets so many softy toys?

Me: No one has more softy dog toys than you do, which brings me to the subject at hand. I saw what you did.

Stella: You saw? Are you God?

Me: No, of course not! Why? What else did you do?

Stella: Well, what do you think I did?

Me: I saw you sneak into Snoopey’s crate when she wasn’t around and I saw you take her favorite chicken toy. You hid it in your crate.

Stella: Oh. That.

Me: Yes, that. We have talked about this hoarding business.

Stella: It is not a business. Yet. But it could be. Would you pay me extra treats to get that chicken toy back for Snoopey?

Me: Now you are holding the chicken toy for ransom?

Stella: I’m not asking much. Just a treat or two for finding it.

Me: It was never lost. I know where it is.

Stella: I…don’t…think…so.

Me: Stella, what have you done?

Stella: Nothing important. Why do you care? I didn’t take your chicken.

Me: This is why you are not allowed around my stuffed animal collection.

Stella: If you have too many, I can help you with them. They will all have a good home.

Me: You are an official hoarder.

Stella: With all due respect, as the humans say, it takes one to know one.

Stella’s Blog – Urgent Alert! – Monster Invasion!

Posted on June 9, 2016June 9, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Humans, beware! A new monster is in town! It invaded our house and took Tall Man captive. Here is its description:

Its roar is a storm wind caught in a box. It is taller than me or any of the bulldogs and we were not able to stop it. Well, to be honest, we didn’t really try. Tiger is the only one who tried. She bit at it again and again. The monster paid no attention. The rest of us barked though. I thought that was brave of us, but barking only seemed to make the monster angrier. Hey, at least we didn’t run away.

The monster grabbed Tall Man’s hand and pulled him around the room, making its awful whirring scream. It had a long, black tail that got stuck in the wall. It dragged him behind the chairs and the couch, and if anything was on the floor, it sucked it in and ATE IT! Even pieces of food that we had dropped! NO!

Finally, it pulled Tall Man into the room where cars and machines live. We don’t know what happened after that. When it got dark, Tall Man reappeared. He had escaped! We were so happy! There was no sign of the loud sucking monster! He did not say so, but we bulldogs believe that he defeated the monster in battle. He is our hero! Until the next monster shows up. Then he will have to prove himself all over again.

Where are all these monsters coming from? First, giant insects. Now obnoxious, grabby, loud-mouthed monsters with wheels and forked tails. Food stealers. We dropped that food by accident. We were planning to come back for it later. Not fair!

Transcriptionist: Stella, that so-called monster was a new vacuum cleaner.

No, I have seen vacuums before. This was a monster. Just ask Tall Man. It wrestled him.

Transcriptionist: You thought he was a giant insect a few months ago. That wasn’t true either.

You are denying the monster invasion. That means only the bulldogs will be ready when they come in force.

Transcriptionist: Not everything is a monster, Stella.

Wrong! Everything is a monster until proved otherwise. That’s how bulldogs play it safe. Stay alert, humans!

Until next time, this has been

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, Queen of the Bulldog Monster Hunters

Stella’s Blog – What is Decluttering? It Sounds Horrible.

Posted on June 8, 2016June 8, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello, I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Thank you for joining me for my blog. I am sure that you are honored to be here.

(Transcriptionist: Stella, that was rude. It is you who are honored that they are reading your blog.)

Despite what my transcriptionist says, I am the Queen and the Queen is never rude. Moving along…The humans are up to something that I do not understand. They may, in fact, be up to no good. I have not yet decided.

They have been bringing lots of cute, chewable items into the big room and sorting them. Lady Human and Tall Man put them in different bags and then the bags go away. The items do not smell like food so I really shouldn’t care. They had better not be throwing food out! I am the Queen! I can start a riot! Just see if I don’t!

They brought in a lot of fuzzy softy toys and put them in special bags. I heard Lady Human say, “Give away. Give away. Give away.” She said it so many times and all the while, Tall Man put the softy toys into bags and the bags left.

What is going on? Why are the toys leaving? I could use those in my bed. I only have five softy toys in there now. I need more. The toys would be safe with me. I would take care of them. I promise.

Why would humans ever give anything away? They have huge, tall crates that they sleep in. They could stack more softy toys in them all the way to the top. Between you and me, I think the humans have lost their minds again.

I know what I would have done with those toys. First, I would have moved them all into my crate. There would soon have been no room so I would have had to claim another crate and soon enough there would have been no room in that one so I would have had to claim another crate…Mmmmm, maybe the humans have not lost their minds after all.

You are probably asking where the other bulldogs would have slept if I kept all those softy toys in their crates to which I would have answered,” Who cares?” I am the Queen, not a hotel manager for bulldogs.

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Conversations with Stella – Musical Crates

Posted on June 7, 2016June 7, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello, I am Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, and I am concerned….

Me: I usually make the introductions, Stella.

Stella: I am taking that over today because I am concerned that the humans have lost their minds.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Stella: Yes, you should. What is going on? I’ll tell you what is going on.

Me: Then why ask?

Stella: Craziness is going on. Old-fashioned human craziness. Perturbation has taken me over.

Me: Where did you hear the word “perturbation”?

Stella: From you.

Me: I don’t think so. It’s not that I mind the word. I just wonder where you learned it.

Stella: The dogs were passing it around at the vet’s office and the puppies brought it home the other week. You like long words. I figured that they heard it from you while you were showing off in front of the vet lady.

Me: Stella, I don’t show off in front of the vet. What would I show off? My ignorance? And why would I use a word like “perturbation” there?

Stella: Because we are bulldogs and we are perturbing?

Me: Oh, all right then, why has perturbation taken you over? What is the human craziness?

Stella: You switched Snoopey’s and Tiger’s crates without asking.

Me: Yes, Tiger’s crate is now by you where Snoopey’s used to be and Snoopey’s crate is where Tiger’s used to be. We don’t need to ask them. We are the humans, remember?

Stella: I don’t care that you didn’t ask them. I care that you didn’t ask me. How would you like to get a new neighbor all of a sudden and no one asked you first?

Me: New neighbors show up next to humans all the time and no one asks first. We are going to have a new neighbor soon and nobody asked us.

Stella: Who is this new neighbor of ours?

Me: I don’t know yet. They just bought the place. They haven’t moved in.

Stella: I think I don’t like that either. Are they dog people or…no! Are they cat people? No! No more cats. How could you let this happen?

Me: I don’t know if they are cat people. I don’t know anything about them. Back to this crate issue. We placed Tiger by you in the hope that you and she would start getting along better if you became crate neighbors for a while.

Stella: Why me? Tiger is always challenging Snoopey. Make them be crate neighbors.

Me: We may do that.

Stella: Why do you humans change things when they were going so well?

Me: A little change every once in a while is okay. Why don’t you just tell Tiger, “Howdy, Neighbor!” and let it be?

Stella: I am used to Snoopey.

Me: Snoopey is still here. And her crate is only across the room.

Stella: I am still filled with perturbation.

Me: As you said, you are a bulldog and pretty much always perturbed. But I understand. It takes effort to be a good neighbor to a new neighbor.

Stella: Pooh! She had better not pollute my airspace.

Me: If she does, just bury your nose in your bed until it passes.

“…Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Mark 12:31 KJV)

Conversations with Stella – The Crying Sky

Posted on May 31, 2016May 31, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Me: Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, is back for another conversation about her important question of the day. So what has you perturbed today, Stella?

Stella: First of all, QUEEN STELLA to you. Others may call me “Your Majesty”.

Me: Nope.

Stella: The sky has been crying too much.

Me: We have been having a wet spring.

Stella: Why?

Me: It would take a long to explain and I’m not sure you would understand. I ‘m not sure that I do. Some years are rainy and some are dry.

Stella: Is the sky sad?

Me: The sky doesn’t have emotions like that. There are a lot of things going on up there.

Stella: Is the Creator angry? I heard the big booms over and over again the past few nights. And light was flashing outside.

Me: Those were thunderstorms. The Creator is far more powerful than a thunderstorm. We can’t even imagine how powerful. If the Creator were angry with us, a thunderstorm would be the least of our concerns.

Stella: It was scary.

Me: But you were safe even though something scary was going on.

Stella: Snoopey was so stupid. She started barking and all that did was make things louder.

Me: The storms frighten her, too. She was just trying to warn us.

Stella: Stupid Snoopey! Barking at the sky!

Me: But you were scared, too.

Stella: Yes, but I didn’t bark like a silly head. I hunkered down in my bed and covered my face like a smart dog. Lady Human, you talk to the Creator, don’t you?

Me: Yes, it’s called prayer.

Stella: I thought so because sometimes you are talking when no humans are around and you aren’t talking to me or the bulldogs. Or to that silly cat. Would you ask the Creator to stop the sky from crying so much and so loudly?

Me: I’m not going to ask for the rain to stop. We need it for the lakes and rivers and fields. Summer is coming. But I can ask for moderate rain, not so much all at once.

Stella: Is the Creator mean?

Me: No, He is kind.

Stella: Then why are there scary thunderstorms?

Me: Maybe He allows them so we will remember to look up.

Conversations with Stella – My Beautiful Bed, Goodbye!

Posted on May 24, 2016May 24, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Me: Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, is frustrated and sad. She is going through a mini crisis.

Stella: Mini? You mean like those little dachshunds. No, not mini! Biggy! A biggy sad!

Me: Okay, a biggy sad. Why don’t you explain?

Stella: My bed! My wonderful, perfect bed! The one Tall Man gave me the first night I came here to my new home. It’s ….gone! Destroyed! Life will never be the same!

Me: And how did it come to be destroyed so suddenly?

Stella: Mmmmm, not sure.

Me: Mmmmm, think about it.

Stella: Well, my fancy Nylabone was stuck under my bed and it refused to come out when I called it so I could chew on it and I got more and more frustrated and I started pawing at the pad and I kept on and on…and before I knew it, a big hole…just appeared…and stuffing came out…and….AAAAWWWWGHH! The floor to my beautiful bed was GONE!

Me: Do you understand how the big hole happened?

Stella: AAAAWWWWGHH! No!

Me: The beds are not meant to be pawed and pawed like that. You have to be gentle with them.

Stella: AAAAWWWWGHH! But I’m a bulldog!

Me: At least I got your Nylabone untangled.

Stella: Yes…thank you. Chewing on it made me feel better.

Me: Hey, I gave you another bed.

Stella: It’s not the same.

Me: It’s the same size by the same company.

Stella: Not the same. Doesn’t smell like me.

Me: It will. Honestly, it probably already does.

Stella: Not the same. My beautiful bed had dog memories. I had some great dreams in that bed. Running, barking, chasing the cat. Gone. All gone.

Me: You will enjoy new dreams.

Stella: How would you feel if your bed was destroyed?

Me: I would have to get another and break it in, get used to it, but it would be all right.

Stella: Your bed must not be as special as mine was.

Me: Special? I don’t know. It’s comfortable.

Stella: AAAAWWWWGHH! You don’t understand!

Me: Well, I am going to try to fix your old bed. I am going to sew a new floor into it so you will still have the same bolster all the way around it on which to rest your head.

Stella: You can do that? Really?

Me: I can try. I have some fabric that might work. Even for a bulldog.

Stella: When? When? When?

Me: Give me a few days. I’m going to have to stitch it by hand.

Stella: Lady Human, if there is anything good that I can ever do for you, just let me know.

Me: You can keep from clawing up the floor of your bed in the future. As for anything else, well, Stella, I think you’ve already done it.

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