Bulldoggy

Wash Your Own Face! – Conversations with Stella and Miss Sweetie

Posted on January 29, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Nope. Nope.

Me: Oh, come on, girl. It won’t take but a few seconds.

Stella: Nope. My face belongs to me.

Me: Does the dirt in your folds and in your nose rope belong to you, too?

Stella: If you want to wash a face, wash your own.

Me: I do. Nobody else offers and I can’t wait around.

Stella: Hands away! Hands away!

Me: No, Stella, it’s face washing time.

Stella: I’ll show you! I’ll scrunch my face up.

Me: I am patient. You can’t hold that scrunch for long.

Stella: Hey, I am a bulldog. I can scrunch my face forever. How about washing Sweetie’s face? She’s silly. She’ll let you.

Miss Sweetie: Sure, Lady Human! Here is my face. Wipe away.

Me: I will in a little bit, Sweetie. We have to catch Stella while we can.

Stella: I don’t understand you, Sweetie. Allowing face washing without a struggle. Pffft! Your attitude is most un-bulldoggy.

Flippin’ Out – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 28, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me: I have a question.

Stella: Typical.

Me: It’s not a big deal. I was just wondering…

Stella: Spit it out. That’s what a bulldog would do.

Me: Every morning you stretch and yawn and slowly greet the day, but when it’s bedtime, you come rip-roaring into my room…

Stella: Yep.

Me: You jump onto my bed…

Stella: With help from my boosters.

Me: And you roll and flip and jump and paw…

Stella: And dance and laugh and drool and…

Me: It’s bedtime though. Time to wind down, not to get wound up.

Stella: And turn and turn and whirl…

Me: But it’s nighttime. I would think you would be tired. I sure am.

Stella: And prance and squirm around…

Me: There is an old proverb. “All the speed is in the morning.” All your speed is at night.

Stella: Proverb? Is that food?

Me: No. Yes. Food for thought, yes.

Stella: But it’s not like chicken.

Me: No.

Stella: Well, you can keep that then.

Random Gifts from the Sky – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on January 25, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me: Can someone tell me what went on outside?

Stella: Many mysterious things go on outside, Lady Human. Can you be specific?

Me: Yes. I found a small apple which had one piece sliced off, obviously by a human. Alongside it was a long scrap of orange fabric.

Stella: Fascinating.

Snoopey: Not really. Where did you find this, Lady Human?

Wiggles: They were under the pecan tree. Nobody, no human that is, threw them there. The trajectory was wrong.

Me: Trajectory? You know about trajectory?

Wiggles: Common sense, Lady Human.

Miss Sweetie: Is this a trick, Lady Human? Did you drop them, so we could find them? I mean, fruit? Really?

Me: No, Sweetie, I did not drop them out there or anywhere. And they weren’t out there early this morning.

Tiger: Maybe Jerky McSquirrelyFace dropped them from the tree. A sort of peace offering?

Stella: Yuck. He may have poisoned them. Where are they, Lady Human?

Me: I threw them away immediately and washed my hands. There were long, thin scrapes on the apple and an edge had been bitten off by a small mouth.

Stella: The mystery of the apple and the cloth. Jerky could have done it. I doubt it was a peace offering though. Wait. What about the hawks? They could have dropped them.

Tiger: Why would they give up a good piece of fruit?

Stella: The crows could have been chasing them. And the hawks prefer fresh meat, not nasty throw aways like apples. They like things like…small bulldogs! NOOO!!!

Me: No problem, Stella. The hawks are not coming for you.

Stella: Well, who did drop the apple and the cloth? Did the Great Creator drop it as a gift?

Me: Not impossible, but generally the Great Creator uses humans to deal with fruit and cloth deliveries. Bottom line, if any of you find anything weird outside, please don’t eat it. Please alert me or Tall Man so we can check it out. Okay?

Stella: Sure.

Tiger: Yeah.

Snoopey: Okay.

Miss Sweetie: Maybe.

Doodlebug: I’ll think about it. Depends on how good, or bad, it smells. The worse, the better.

When in Doubt, Spit It Out! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 24, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Pffft! Phew! Be careful what you allow in your mouth!

Me: Hey! What’s the problem?

Stella: Pffft! Phew!

Me: You spit out your joint support supplement. I mean you really spit it out, like 6 inches worth. I don’t understand. You love those!

Stella: What about me spitting it out do you not understand? When in doubt, spit it out.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

Stella: Where shall I begin? It tastes nasty.

Me: But you liked it before.

Stella: Tastes change. What can I say?

Me: It’s good for your joints.

Stella: You take it. It can be good for your joints instead.

Me: It’s for dogs.

Stella: Yeah, I’ll bet you tasted it and found out how nasty it is.

Me: No, I didn’t.

Stella: Well, try it. Then you will know what I have been putting up with.

Me: What if…

Stella: Don’t even think about it. I know what you are plotting. You are going to hide it in a piece of cheese or meat. Tasty, tasty cheese. Wonderful, aromatic meat. Mmmmm. No! No! Save your cheese. Save your meat. Give them to me later when you are not trying to fool me with a nasty hidden pill.

Me: Well, here. At least take this piece of banana.

Stella: Might as well. Banana is not my favorite, but…(chomp). Mmmm. Sweet. Soft. Wait. There was a lump in the middle. What have you done, Lady Human?

Me: You had to take your flea, tick, heartworm medicine sometime, so…

Stella: Awwwww! Fooled! No! I’ve already swallowed it.

Me: Everything’s fine then. Done. No pests.

Stella: It’s all the way down the pipe. Unconstitutional! I’ve been deprived of my God-given right to spit it out.

Cut the Humans A Little Slack – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on January 22, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and I have something to say.

Tiger: You always have something to say.

Snoopey: Yeah, that never seems to be a problem with you.

Tiger: Just with us. We have to listen to you.

Snoopey: For once, AND ONLY ONCE, Tiger and I are in agreement.

Tiger: Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.

Snoopey: Agreed. Oooop!

Stella: Here’s what I have to say! Cut back on the how you pick on the humans! All the criticism and such.

Wiggles: I don’t criticize humans. I like them just fine.

Doodlebug: Yeah, they’re all right. The food is almost always on time and they don’t allow any cat hair in it.

Miss Sweetie: And I like the way Lady Human wipes my neck off after I soak my head in my water bowl. That feels good.

Stella: I’m talking about no criticizing things like the human singing. No barking or, even worse, howling when Lady Human breaks into one of her versions of some old song nobody has ever heard of but her.

Snoopey: I don’t do that.

Tiger: I don’t do that.

Snoopey: Wait. Is that another agreement?

Tiger: I don’t think so.

Snoopey: Good.

Wiggles: I don’t do my howl bark when Lady Human sings. Usually because I’m asleep.

Miss Sweetie: I like Lady Human’s songs. They make no sense, so I don’t have to figure out what she is saying.

Snoopey: Hold on just a bloomin’ minute here. None of us were howling or barking at Lady Human’s singing today. Just you! You howled out.

Stella: Well, I had to say SOMETHING. Did you hear her? I was simply making a public service announcement. “Watch out! Cover your ears! Lady Human is singing!” There. You’re welcome.

Hey! Let Go of My Paw! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 20, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I like my freedom. Everybody should. Which is why…hey, give it back!

Me: Just a second.

Stella: No, it’s already been a second. I know enough about human time to know that.

Me: Hold on.

Stella: Hold on to what? My paw? Let it go.

Me: I will.

Stella: Promises, promises. Give it back.

Me: I have to do this.

Stella: No, you don’t. My paw is MY paw. You keep pulling this trick. You grab one of my poor old paws and you slip out that clipper device like I don’t know what it is, and you start to snip, snip, snip.

Me: I have to hurry to get your nails clipped. You start to pull away immediately.

Stella: Well, how would you feel if somebody grabbed one of your paws? Would you just let them pull on it and clip away at your nails?

Me: I kind of wish somebody would.

Stella: Okay, hand over that mean-looking thing in your hand and I’ll go to town.

Me: Go to town? You know that saying?

Stella: Sure, I do. “Go to town” means “do something stupid as fast as you can”. It’s a human thing.

A Word In Edgewise – Conversations with Stella and Snoopey

Posted on January 18, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Let me begin by saying…

Snoopey: I have a question…

Stella: …that this has been a trying week, what with all the cold weather…

Snoopey: Yes, but…

Stella: I vote that we all get new extra blankets so that the next cold snap goes almost without notice. Of course, I spend my nights in Lady Human’s room, so I am fine anyway…

Snoopey: I do, too, but that’s not what…

Stella: …but thick new blankets for everyday use…

Snoopey: Can I just…

Stella: That’s like Christmas all over again seven days a week.

Snoopey: Awwww, I give up.

Me: Snoopey, girl. What’s wrong?

Stella: Nothing. She just wants to interrupt and complain as usual.

Me: Stella, cut it out. Let Snoopey have a word.

Stella: Why?

Me: Snoopey, what do you need?

Snoopey: May I go potty? I need to go potty right now.

Me: YES! ABSOLUTELY! Here! Door’s open! Go! Go! Go! Oh, my word!

Stella: That’s the same as cussing, Lady Human.

Me: Okay, forgive me. But once in a while, Stella, somebody else needs to get a word in edgewise.

Stella: Seems to me that she can go sit by the door if she needs to go out. Why does she need to talk about it?

Where’s My Snow Dog? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 16, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and I am disappointed. Where is the snow I was promised? Where is my Snow Dog that you promised to make for me?

Me: The snow flew over us during the night and landed on our neighbors to the south.

Stella: But you said that the snow was coming along with some delightful ice.

Me: Well, for whatever reason, it didn’t happen. We didn’t even get enough to cover the underside of your puppy pool.

Stella: But you said…

Me: All the reports pointed to snow.

Stella: Lady Human! FOR SHAME! You lied to a dog!

Me: I didn’t lie. The weather forecasters kept saying that we would have 1 – 2 inches of snow here.

Stella: Lady Human! FOR SHAME! You let weather forecasters lie to a dog!

Me: They didn’t lie either. The weather just didn’t follow through with its promise. There was snow. Just farther south. It skipped us…again.

Stella; I want you to march right down there to those people who stole our snow and get it back.

Me: Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Let them enjoy their snow day.

Stella: And what about MY snow day? I had all these plans.

Me: Like what?

Stella: Breakfast.

Me: You already had breakfast.

Stella: Yeah, but there was no snow to stare at through the glass. And what about potty time?

Me: You’ve already had that, too.

Stella: Yeah, but there was no snow to freeze my feet and I was looking forward to that. And what about my softie toys?

Me: What about them? They are all right there.

Stella: But now there is no snow to dunk them in and they were hoping to be introduced to snow. They are so disappointed.

Me: There’s no mud aftermath to drag them through either.

Stella: Yes, and there’s that. They really missed out. And what about nap time?

Me: I dare say nap time will go on today as scheduled.

Stella: Maybe, but I won’t get to nap in snow.

Me: You weren’t going to get to nap in the snow anyway. It’s too friggin’ cold outside.

Stella: Still, it was something to dream about. And then there is the worst thing of all that the No Snow Day has brought. Where, oh where is my little Snow Dog?

Me: You’ve got me there. There isn’t even enough for a good snowball, much less a Snow Dog. Oh, well, maybe next time.

Stella: Do you mean to say that this horrible disappointment is going to happen again?

Me: More than likely. And then one day, probably in March when it is least expected, we will wake up to a lovely blanket of snow and/or ice that no one forecast, and we can make your Snow and/or Ice Dog. And here’s some news. The sun is out, and the sky is clear.

Stella; Great! Sunbath time!

Me: It’s 19 degrees.

Stella: And your point is?

What Are You Looking For? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 15, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is totally distracted which is terrible because it means that she is not paying attention to me. What is so fascinating that it would take your attention away from me, I want to know?

Me: Weather.

Stella: That makes no sense. According to you, we have weather every day. It isn’t even daytime anymore. The sun went to bed a long time ago.

Me: Changing weather.

Stella: Changing into what?

Me: Winter. Real winter.

Stella: Have we been having fake winter? Because it has seemed very cold to me lately.

Me: We have had an ice-less winter thus far. Rain only. That may change shortly.

Stella: Will the sky spit ice blocks like the ones you give us to lick on during the hot times?

Me: Ice cubes? No, I sure hope not. No, this will be freezing rain and snow. Do you remember snow?

Stella: Is it good to eat? Because if it isn’t good to eat, my memory is pretty short.

Me: The last time we saw significant snow was the day before you came to live with us. I can understand if you don’t remember. I don’t know if there was snow where you were that day.

Stella: I don’t remember much before I came here. I remember a few things. What does snow look like?

Me: It is cold and soft and white. When it falls, it is not like rain. It doesn’t run away. It makes no sound. The whole world goes silent. It piles up on the ground and on roofs and on roads. It crunches a little when you step on it. Your feet make deep prints in it so that you can see every step you have taken.

Stella: That sounds wonderful. Can you see it yet?

Me: No. But the rain has started. Tall Man called. Rain is failing and freezing as it hits the ground where he is.

Stella: No! He needs to come home now! Why is he still out there?

Me: He is helping some friends fix their truck.

Stella: No! Let the friends fix their own truck. He should not be out when water is freezing from the sky.

Me: He’ll be all right.

Stella: I will wait up for him.

Me: If you wish.

Stella: Can you see it yet? The real winter?

Me: No, but I can feel it. The rain has started. Tonight, it will freeze.

Stella: What will become of us?

Me: We will sleep and, when we wake, the world will look very different.

Stella: What will we do?

Me: Tomorrow, if enough snow falls, we can make a snowman for the first time in years.

Stella: Forget that! We will make a snow dog! Better use of the precious snow.

Why All The Insane Barking? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 14, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: And I have a serious question.

Stella: Permission is granted for you to ask your question, silly or serious.

Me: Why all the insane barking?

Stella: Sorry, Lady Human. Your question makes no sense.

Me: Sort of like y’all’s barking this afternoon. Every time I turned around…

Stella: And you turn around quite a lot.

Me: Barking, barking, barking. And there was no reason for it.

Stella: Says who?

Me: I could not see one thing going on that would provoke so much noise.

Stella: Ah, there. You said it. You could not see, but could you smell it?

Me: Smell what?

Stella: Exactly.

Me: Exactly? What?

Stella: How can I explain what you cannot smell? Bulldog barking is never insane. Bulldogs are reasonable creatures.

Me: Reasonable creatures? Hmmm.

Stella: Don’t worry, Lady Human. We don’t bark like that every day. You know that. Maybe tomorrow will smell less interesting.

Read My Mind – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 13, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human does not understand me. I need my bulldog/human dictionary, but I have not finished it. Truthfully, I have not even started it yet. It’s not my fault. Naps cut way into my daily schedule.

Me: Try me.

Stella: Okay. Try this. Look at my face. Listen to my voice. Mmmmm-shish.

Me: All right. Do that again.

Stella: Mmmmm-shish.

Me: You want to go outside.

Stella: Nope.

Me: You want a treat.

Stella: Nope…well, yeah, always, but not my message.

Me: Sorry, I don’t know what you are thinking.

Stella: You see? I need a mind reader.

Me: Or maybe you need to send a stronger message.

Stella: Uh, no. I think the problem is on your end, Lady Human. Let’s try again.

Me: Very well.

Stella: Mmmmm-shish.

Me: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You want to chase the cat.

Stella: Of course, but no. Try again. Mmmmm-shish.

Me: Oh, I’ve got it! Snoopey is talking to Moon the Cat and you want them to shut up!

Stella: Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! What clued you in?

Me: The disgusted, irritated tone.

Stella: Good. It finally came through. Remember that tone for future reference.

Customer Service is Closed for the Night – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on January 12, 2018 by H.J. Hill

Me: I am not Stella. I am not Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am merely a tired human who does not seem to be making any bulldog happy today, except Miss Sweetie…maybe.

Stella: Hey, cut it out!

Me: Okay, I will cut it out. I am going to bed early.

Stella: No! Not allowed!

Snoopey: But I want…

Tiger: What about my…

Doodlebug: Don’t forget my…

Wiggles: More blankeys…

Me: You have three.

Wiggles: I need a thousand more.

Miss Sweetie: One of my four chew toys is missing. Right over there. Go get it for me.

Me: Customer service is closed for the night. Please stop by again in the morning when it will reopen.

Stella: I told you all that the service in this hotel is terrible.

Me: Once again, our home. Not a hotel.

Stella: Mark my words. Tomorrow, I will be speaking to the manager.

Me: Well, best wishes in finding one. I don’t know who is in charge here.

Sniffing Time – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 8, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and…

Me: Stella, girl, it’s cold. If you’re finished, let’s go in.

Stella: Not finished. Still sniffing.

Me: Okay.

Stella: What is that noise you’re making?

Me: I’m humming. You’ve heard me do that before.

Stella: Please stop. It is interfering with what I am doing.

Me: You’re sniffing.

Stella: Yes.

Me: How can humming interfere with sniffing?

Stella: Sniffing is a delicate art. Anything can interfere with it.

Me: Well, can you cut the sniffing short a little bit? It’s cold out here and I’d like to get back inside.

Stella: You know how you sit down with a cup of that stuff you call ‘coffee’ and, no matter how we try, you don’t get up until you have your silly ‘coffee break’?

Me: Coffee breaks aren’t silly. They are necessary hedges against the intrusions of insistent bulldogs. If I give in, my coffee gets cold.

Stella: Sniffing isn’t silly either and sniffing can’t be cut short.

Me: How long can you sniff the same ground over and over?

Stella: Sniffing is my coffee break, only without the coffee. Now let’s go in. It’s chilly out here. Sniffing break’s over. My sniffer is getting cold and a cold sniffer has to be worse than cold coffee.

Love Taps – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 6, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. One of my favorite things is when Lady Human and I spend quiet time alone. She pets me and scratches my itchy spots and massages my shoulders and scratches my back and rubs my ears and… hey, why are you stopping?

Me: Places to go. People to see.

Stella: What places? Where? What people? Who?

Me: I have stuff I’ve got to do. We can meet again later.

Stella: 1…2…3…okay, later is now.

Me: I know, Stella. I enjoy quiet time, too. But who is going to grocery shop and clean y’all’s bowls and wash the clothes…

Stella: I don’t wear clothes. Let them wash themselves. Pet me. Scratch me.

Me: Stella, let me have my hand.

Stella: Pet me. Scratch me.

Me: Stella, let my arm go.

Stella: Never. Pet me. Scratch me. Tap. Tap. Tap.

Me: You have no idea how heavy your paws are.

Stella: Yes, I do. Tap. Tap. Tap. Stay here. Pet me. Scratch me. LOVE ME!

Me: Isn’t cleaning your bowls love?

Stella: Maybe, but it doesn’t feel as good.

Sky Battle – Hawks vs. Crows – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 5, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and a witness to an epic battle in the sky over our home.

Me: I’m not sure it was epic. Probably happens all the time.

Stella: There were these 2 hawks. And there was this group of crows…all of them yelling. CAW! CAW! CAW!

Me: A murder of crows.

Stella: Say again?

Me: A flock of crows is called a ‘murder’ of crows. I know. Weird.

Stella: Scary. The crows drove the hawks away, but they did not murder them.

Me: No. I counted 7 crows all flying at the hawks at once. Not many, but enough. The hawks hightailed it.

Stella: Where did they go?

Me: Back to their home. I saw a nest not far from here. The crows can’t let them stay around. The hawks will rob their nests.

Stella: Hawks are robbers? But they are so beautiful.

Me: And hawks can carry off small animals, well, small to medium animals.

Stella: Carry off? As in flying off with animals? To teach them to fly?

Me: Not exactly.

Stella: Why then?

Me: Hawks are predators and they hunt for their food and they have great eyesight so when they see an animal on the ground, they swoop down and…

Stella: Carry them off for food! Animals like…bulldogs?

Me: I have not heard of…

Stella: But bulldogs are too big, too heavy, right? How much can hawks pick up?

Me: I’ve heard from 6 to 60 pounds so…

Stella: So, no bulldogs. We weigh more than 60 pounds, right, Lady Human? Lady Human?

Me: Well, Tiger weighs about 75 and so does Snoopey. Wiggles weighs 70. Miss Sweetie is a tank. She weighs 81 and a half. Doodlebug, he’s usually around 79.

Stella: And me? Tell me I weigh more than 60 pounds.

Me: As it happens, you’re a little lightweight for an OEB. You weigh 50.

Stella: Please tell me that 50 is more than 60.

Me: Not exactly.

Stella: AAAAGGGGHHHH! I’m hawk food!

Me: These hawks aren’t the biggest, so I don’t think there’s any chance…

Stella: But they have friends!

Me: They tend to work alone.

Stella: Then why were there 2 of them?

Me: Hey, seven little bitty ole crows chased them off.

Stella: That’s the ticket! We need to recruit more crows. Get several murders of them working for us. We can share the chicken feed with them. The chickens won’t mind. You won’t let me go out alone while the hawks are around, will you? Do you weigh more than 60 pounds?

Me: Yep. I’d say so.

The Long, Red Monster Incident – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on January 2, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs, on my count, 1, 2, 3…ATTACK!

Miss Sweetie: I’ll get it, Aunt Stella! Nobody invades our home!

Doodlebug: Stop, you ugly monster! I’ve got you!

Me: What is going on? Why are you all freaking out?

Snoopey: See it! See it! Stop it! It has grabbed Tall Man!

Me: The mop? Not again. More like Tall Man has grabbed it.

Tiger: No! He is wrestling with it! Back and forth! Back and forth! We must help him!

Me: Hey, y’all, we’ve had this discussion before. A mop is a floor cleaner. It is not dangerous.

Wiggles: Of course, it is dangerous! It is long and red. Long, red things are dangerous.

Me: Can you even see red?

Stella: When you bring that yellow brush thing out, do we bark at it?

Me: The broom? As a matter of fact, no.

Stella: Because it is yellow. Yellow things are not a threat. But red things are monsters.

Me: So if the mop were yellow, it would be all right?

Stella: There are no such things as yellow mops. But long, red monsters are real.

Me: There! He put the mop up. Can you stop barking now?

Stella: Cease the attack! The long, red monster has retreated. I declare a bulldog victory! Yay us!

Me: I guess I could always paint the mop handle yellow.

Yet Another Human Party Day – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 31, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human tells me that this is yet another human holiday. How many holidays can humans have? She says that this one celebrates a change in what they call a calendar. I am glad bulldogs do not have such silly things.

Me: It would just be one more thing to chew up.

Stella: And this is just one more day for humans to party.

Me: You don’t see me partying, do you?

Stella: You party by watching things on the Picture Box and eating nuts.

Me: Yes. That makes pretty much every day a party for me.

Stella: I don’t understand what this celebration is about. The humans on the Picture Box pop exploding bottles that shoot foam everywhere. They fire off guns and rockets that blow up the sky.

Me: And, hopefully, nothing else.

Stella: What’s the big deal? You said that you all change the calendar and, from what I gather, a calendar is a short book made of paper with numbers written on each page and each page has a different name but none of them are named after dogs, so I don’t really care. Is that about right?

Me: Yeah, pretty much.

Stella: So why celebrate paper?

Me: It’s the idea of a new start. The year changes and people like to think about changing things in their lives.

Stella: But they’ve already changed the calendar. Isn’t that enough? Humans are so needy.

Me: A lot of people like to start a diet after the holidays to lose weight.

Stella: Diet. You mean as in eating less?

Me: Yep. Maybe. That can be part of it.

Stella: Madness! Let’s get this so-called holiday over with as soon as possible. Eating less? Preposterous. Keep your new calendars. I’ll stick with last year’s. Bulldogs eating less. The very idea…

Human Howling – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 30, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Will someone please stop the noise? Why do humans howl? They don’t like it when we do it.

Me: Howling? Who’s howling?

Stella: You are. And those humans on the Picture Box. Dreadful. Make it stop.

Me: Those people were singing an old song that I know. I was singing along.

Stella: Lady Human, begging your pardon, but that was not singing. It was howling. I should know. Not that I mind howling. It is a lovely sound when it comes from a dog.

Me: Singing is a whole lot more complicated than howling.

Stella: Says the human.

Me: Says the anybody.

Stella: All I am asking is keep it down. Some of us are trying to sleep.

Me: Let me sing you to sleep.

Stella: Like this? Ooooo…wooooo….owwwww!

Me: No. Not like that. Please…

Stella: As I thought. The only taste humans have is in their mouths.

Bulldog Treat Catch Bowl Game – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 29, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Welcome to the Bulldog Treat Catching Bowl Game. Today’s contestants are Tiger and Doodlebug.

Me: Okay, ready, Doodle?

Doodlebug: Mmm hmmm.

Stella: Whoops! Miss!

Doodlebug: Not fair! Do over!

Stella: Let Tiger have her turn.

Me: Okay, ready, Tiger?

Tiger: Yep.

Stella: Nice catch. One point.

Doodlebug: How does she do that?

Tiger: Watch and learn, kid.

Me: Tiger keeps her eyes on the treat and keeps her mouth slightly open. As it falls, if she has to, she adjusts her head to get right under it. Great technique.

Doodlebug: What am I doing wrong?

Stella: Simple. You keep your mouth shut and look up like you expect the treat to fall right into it anyway and, when it doesn’t, you look all surprised. It bounces off your nose and you’re all like, “How did that happen?”

Doodlebug: Well, how does that happen?

Stella: Doodle! Closed mouths catch no treats.

Tiger: Neither does his opened mouth. Pick a new game, bud. Maybe something where you use your big ole paws to bat treats into my mouth.

House Rules – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on December 28, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Lady Human! Wiggles is dragging towels out of the clean up box. Violation of House Rule 1,390,245.

Me: Wiggles, leave the towels alone.

Wiggles: No. Yes. No. Okay. Can I keep the ones I already have?

Me: I guess so, as long as you don’t eat them.

Wiggles: Awwww. Never mind then.

Me: And Stella, we don’t have a million plus house rules.

Stella: You could’ve fooled me.

Snoopey: Lady Human! Stella is sitting too close to the Picture Box. She is staring at it. That’s bad for her eyes. Violation of House Rule blah – blah – blah – blah – blah.

Stella: Hey, I’m the one who gets to call out House Rule violations. And I’m not, because I like these pretty pictures. And besides, Wiggles is still in violation of House Rule 1,390,245 and she is pulling out more towels and Lady Human hasn’t stopped her.

Tiger: Lady Human! Miss Sweetie is sitting over in the corner making loud, rumbly noises. Violation of some House Rule or other, I’m sure.

Me: House Rules are to promote safety, peace, and enjoyment. How are rumbly noises a violation of those?

Tiger: I don’t enjoy her rumbly noises so there’s that.

Miss Sweetie: Lady Human! Doodlebug walked into Wiggles’ crate, sniffing around and drooling! Violation of House Rule something or other.

Doodlebug: Tattle tale! Nosy nose!

Miss Sweetie: Lady Human! Doodlebug is calling me names for following the rules. Make him stop! Violation of House Rule I don’t know what, but…

Me: Okay. New House Rule.

Tiger: Oh, no!

Snoopey: Not another one.

Me: Everybody minds their own business.

Stella: That’s fine with me because everything is my business. Now make it official.

Me: Okay…it’s official?

Stella: Number, please.

Me: Really? How about Stella’s choice?

Stella: Great!

Me: So… what’s the number?

Stella: I have no idea. I can’t count that high.

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