“Have you ever seen a chicken climb a tall fence? It is an inspiring sight. But why did the chicken climb the fence? To get to the other side, I guess.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Climb like a Chicken
The Burned Egg Temptation – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Where is it? Where is it? I smell it. Wait! It was right here on the floor. Emphasis on the was.
Me: Oh, you mean the eggs. Tall Man burned some eggs he was cooking and they spilled on the floor as he was taking them to the trash.
Sweetie: Spilled eggs? Trash? Eggs never belong in the trash, even burned ones. Where are they? Nevermind. I’ll check the trash.
Doodlebug: Too late.
Sweetie: Why are you licking your lips?
Doodlebug: Well, you see, you were taking a nap and there were these burned eggs on the floor and I didn’t want anybody to slip on them and I didn’t want anybody else to be tempted by them so…problem solved. Don’t bother to thank me.
Sweetie: Oh, I won’t.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Keep Your Paws Off of Our Stuff – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Don’t touch what’s not yours. Nothing on the floor is yours.
Sweetie: Then why do you throw food on the floor?
Me: I don’t. That comes from big bulldog mouths knocking food bowls about. I’m talking about keeping your paws and mouths off other people’s stuff.
MoonCat: Leave me out of the discussion. I mind my own things
Doodlebug: But you put your paws on other people’s stuff, Lady Human.
Sweetie: Yeah. You’re all the time touching my stuff. Our stuff. Well, it’s mostly mine.
Doodlebug: My stuff. Chew sticks. Balls. That softy toy.
Sweetie: Beds.
Me: Poop? Is that poop outside yours?
Doodlebug: Nope. It doesn’t have my name on it.
Sweetie: Nope. Anyway you can’t prove it.
Doodlebug: Hey, Lady Human, you can put your paws on all that poop outside. It’s all yours now.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Cloud Sitting – Conversations with Sweetie
I am Sweetie and I am patient.
Me: Patient for what? What are you waiting for?
Sweetie: Rain.
Me: Then you’re going to have a long wait. Come on back inside.
Sweetie: Nope. I am sitting under a cloud. That means rain.
Me: There is no cloud, Sweetie.
Sweetie: Yes, there is. See! It’s blocking the sun.
Me: That’s not a cloud. That’s an awning that Tall Man put up so we could sit out here a little.
Sweetie: Cloud. Awning. Same difference.
Me: Not really. An awning will never rain.
Sweetie: Then Tall Man will just have to try harder. I know! He can put the water tube on the fake cloud and I can turn the nob that lets the water out, just like I used to do to fill my puppy pool.
Me: NO!!! I mean…leave the nob turning to the humans.
Sweetie: But I know how. It’s not hard. I just put my mouth over it like…
Me: That’s all right. Let’s go in now.
Sweetie: Well, okay, but it’s no problem. Any time you want a fake rain cloud, just let me know.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Foot Cleaning Social Hour – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Mmmm. Do you clean your feet like this?
Me: By licking them? Certainly not!
Sweetie: Lady Human, I was talking to MoonCat. She has way more feet than you. I don’t expect humans to know how to do things the proper way.
MoonCat: Meow. Your feet are bigger than mine, bulldog. I clean mine from the tops and sides first, but never before eating.
Doodlebug: Only after dinner then.
MoonCat: Yes, King Bulldog. Licking my feet before eating would be vulgar.
Me: Yeah, I can see that. All that loose hair and cat litter and stuff.
MoonCat: Clean your human feet as you wish to, ma’am, and we will clean ours in our own way.
Sweetie: Humans don’t understand the pressure of taking care of more than two feet at a time, MoonCat.
MoonCat: It is a lot of work, but it gives us so much more to talk about during social hour.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Foot Bath – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! She’s done it again!
Me: Who’s done what again? Oh, Sweetie! Your water bowl!
Sweetie: What’s wrong?
Me: Your water bowl is muddy and almost empty. Again.
Sweetie: My toesies were hot and my water bowl was just sitting there, doing nothing, so I gave myself a foot bath.
MoonCat: I give myself foot baths all the time, but I’m smart. I use my tongue.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Shake Out the Cobwebs – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Time to stretch our legs.
MoonCat: Meow. My legs are already stretched, thank you. Count me out.
Sweetie: Huh? What?
Me: Wake up, girl. Time to eat and drink and walk around.
Sweetie: Oh. That stuff. Okay. Everybody stand back. SHAKE IT OUT! Woo!
Me: You always do that full body shake every time you wake up. It must feel good.
Sweetie: It shakes out the cobwebs any sneaky spiders might have strung on me while I was sleeping. Everything works better then. You should try it, Lady Human. You might work better then, too.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Puppies
“Puppies are so cute! It’s fun to watch them play.”
“Uh-oh! They’re coming! RUN!”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Sunsitting – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why won’t Sweetie come inside? It’s hot.
Me: I know. I’m going to make her come in now.
MoonCat: Meow. I never go outside. It’s always too hot or too cold. Even when it’s just right.
Me: Sweetie, you have to come inside now.
Sweetie: I can’t. I’m sunsitting.
Me: You mean sunbathing.
Sweetie: No, sunsitting. I am taking care of the sun. Like when humans take care of little humans.
Me: I think the sun will be alright without you. It’s been there for a long, long time.
Sweetie: But the sun is lonely. It’s up there all by itself.
Me: Mmmm…it may seem that way, but it’s really not.
Sweetie: It needs me. Wait. Okay. I’m too hot now. Shame on you, Sun. No more sunsitting with you. I’m going inside. Oh, but I’ll see you tomorrow, same time, same place.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Too Much Talk – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie is giving a speech. Again.
Sweetie: Hear ye! Hear ye!
Doodlebug: What does that mean?
Sweetie: I don’t know. I heard it on the humans’ Picture Box.
MoonCat: It doesn’t matter. I’ve already stopped listening.
Sweetie: I am going to exercise my mouth until it gets tired. And I do not tire easily. I am a bulldog.
Me: So you are just going to keep barking for no reason until you decide to stop. Is that it?
Sweetie: And why not? Humans do it all the time. You all complain about dogs barking, but you never shut your own mouths.
Me: Well, I have something to say about that.
Doodlebug: Of course, you do.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Set in Our Ways – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is that you are doing, Lady Human? What is in your hand?
Me: Well, it’s your food bowl.
Doodlebug: It’s not my food bowl. My food bowl is always over there, ready when I want it.
Sweetie: Yeah, what are you trying to do, ma’am? Confuse us? Leave well enough alone.
Me: His food bowl comes close to getting spilled every time I walk through here.
Doodlebug: Then don’t walk through here. Walk through there.
MoonCat: Meow. Don’t move my food bowl. How will I find it in the dark?
Me: Uh, the same way you find everything else in the dark?
MoonCat: Hmmm. Questionable.
Sweetie: We are set in our ways. If it ain’t fixed, don’t break it.
Me: I think you mean “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sweetie: That’s what I said.
Doodlebug: We like the way we have things set up. If you go changing the setup, no telling what might happen.
Sweetie: Yeah, Lady Human, we might go changing your set ways. Then where might your food bowl end up.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Be a Bulldog!
“There comes a time to stand your ground. Be a bulldog!”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Don’t Change a Thing – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something is different. I don’t like it.
Sweetie: My chair! My big blue chair! It was over there where it belongs and now it’s over here where it doesn’t belong.
MoonCat: Meow. Why, oh why, Lady Human?
Me: It’s a small adjustment.
Sweetie: Small nothin’!! I used to be able to walk there. Now I have to move over two steps.
Doodlebug: And there won’t be as much room to track mud into the room now.
MoonCat: But if you are sitting there, Lady Human, you will be closer when I eat and we can talk.
Sweetie: Closer to the cat’s food? Oh, yeah! I see that now. Never mind. Leave it in its new spot. Since it’s my chair anyway, I can help MoonCat with her leftovers.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Guard Your Bark
“Hold on to your bark. Trying to catch loose barks is like a bulldog trying to catch a flying hawk with a torn butterfly net. Too little, too late.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Judgy Faces – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
And I am Sweetie and I have something to say.
Me: Why should today be any different?
Doodlebug: Me first. I am the King. Lady Human, we love you despite all your faults.
Sweetie: Yes, we love you even though you don’t feed us fresh steak.
Me: I don’t even get fresh steak.
Doodlebug: We know, but we forgive you. And sometimes our meals are like 5 minutes late.
Me: But sometimes they’re an hour early…
Sweetie: And we forgive you for that, too.
Doodlebug: And sometimes you’re a little slow understanding what we want.
Me: A problem with translation, no doubt.
Doodlebug: Bottom line, we forgive you.
Sweetie: Yes. While you are far from perfect, we know you are doing the best you can. As pitiful as that is.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Gifted
“Some are just naturally gifted. My tongue can’t compete with that.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Mucking out the Stall – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, something stinks.
MoonCat: Meow! And I know exactly what it is. And who.
Me: Yes. I do, too. Get up, Sweetie. Your whole sleeping space is going to have to be deep cleaned.
Doodlebug: Yes, Sweetie. PLEASE!
Sweetie: Why me? I’m comfortable, except for the stink.
Me: If you were a horse, I might call this mucking out your stall, so move over here while I…
Sweetie: But it’s the way I like it, except for the stink.
Me: Well, smells can accumulate. Between the potty accident the other day which I cleaned up but which left lingering reminders and the spilled water and the spilled food and the tracked in dirt and mud from outside and…
Sweetie: Muck out somebody else’s stall and leave me alone and happy…except for the stink.
Copyright 2023 H J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Decisions! Decisions!
“Decisions! Decisions! So hard to make up my mind.”
“What do you mean? They are all the same.”
” No. One is on the left. One is in the center. And one is on the right. Totally different.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Resist Temptation
“Resist temptation! Resist it! Resist! Oh, doggone it! Why’d they leave it out where it could call my name?”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Joint Ownership – Conversations with Sweetie
Sweetie: MINE! MINE! MINE! Don’t park on my chair!
Me: Your chair? Excuse me?
Sweetie: You are excused, Lady Human. You may go park yourself in the other room.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges, but I am staying out of this. I’ll let you girls sort this out between you.
Me: This chair is and always has been mine. I don’t mind you using it, Sweetie, but you must let me onto it so I have a place to sit in here.
Sweetie: We don’t both fit on it at the same time.
Me: Now that is a true statement.
Sweetie: Maybe you should lose some weight.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Sweetie: Granted.
Me: We are going to have to agree to share.
Sweetie: Share? I don’t like the sound of that. That doesn’t sound very bulldoggy.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 