Pointy: “What happened to your nose?”
Simpleton: “I was going to ask you the same thing.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Nose to Nose
Nothing Like a Clean Floor – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, what are you licking up off the floor?
Sweetie: This and that and the other, Lady Human.
Me: Honestly, the floor was pretty clean for once.
Doodlebug: And there’s nothing like a clean floor.
MoonCat: And after being washed by a bulldog’s tongue, this is nothing like a clean floor.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bolster Grab – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s happening here?
Sweetie: A new cushiony spot on which to stretch ourselves.
Doodlebug: It is really starting to take shape.
Me: Okay, this cushion, nope. This pillow, nope. This bolster…
Sweetie: Don’t take that one, Lady Human! Everyone needs a bolster.
Me: Including me!
Sweetie: How selfish!
MoonCat: Thankfully, my bolster is entrenched by time and long established custom.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Real Nose Wrinkler – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what is that wonderful stink?
Me: Are stinks wonderful?
Doodlebug: All the time!
Me: Humans consider stinks bad.
Doodlebug: Human noses are uneducated.
Sweetie: Yeah, this smell is a real nose wrinkler.
MoonCat: Human noses may be uneducated, but they do have the good sense to wear masks at times.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Good Imitation of a Bulldog – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what’s wrong with your face?
Doodlebug: Yeah, it’s all scrunched up and your mouth is twisted.
Me: I just pulled a muscle. It hurts.
Sweetie: You look like…You look like…US! That’s it! You look like a bulldog!
Doodlebug: Well done! You’re beautiful!
MoonCat: No comment.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
When in Doubt, Snort It Out! – Conversations with Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, my nose tickles. I think something is alive in there.
Me: Your nose is alive. It’s part of you. Let me see.
Doodlebug: Be careful, ma’am. Don’t get too…
Sweetie: Snort. Snort. Choo!
Doodlebug: …close. What is that?
Me: Looks like a little piece of a stick. Well, better out than in, as a friend of mine always says.
Sweetie: Do humans snort things out, too?
MoonCat: Not nearly as well as bulldogs.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Grab a Perch – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the parakeets are weird.
Me: Not for parakeets, they’re not.
Sweetie: But they never sit down. They are always standing on their feet on top of sticks.
Me: Those sticks we call ‘perches’. Their feet and legs hold on and keep them steady, the way the Great Creator made them to be. Even in a strong wind.
Doodlebug: We can pick up more sticks for them in the yard!
MoonCat: Don’t take them up on that offer, Baby and Bud. Bulldog gifts always come with strings of bulldog slobber attached.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – The Right Hat
“A big sun requires a big hat.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
What’s Got Your Goat? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Doodle, more nonsense words are spilling out of Lady Human. Now she’s saying, “That really got my goat”, and we don’t even have a goat.
Doodlebug: You mean those skinny loud-mouthed critters with horns and beards? Naw, never saw one here.
Sweetie: Lady Human? What happened to your goat that we never saw?
Me: Huh? Oh, that just means I got upset.
Sweetie: If we got your goat back, would that help?
MoonCat: It wouldn’t help me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
The Complaint Department is Closed – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Ohhhh, Lady Human…
Me: No, none of that.
Sweetie: But I’m so…
Doodlebug: Me, too!
Me: Just for the sake of argument, briefly state the problem.
Sweetie: It’s soooo…and there’s not enough…
Doodlebug: And there’s too much…and the wrong…
Me: Size? Flavor? Color? Texture? How about you, MoonCat? Anything to add?
MoonCat: My uncomplaining lips are sealed.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Panting Weather – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, my tongue is sweating.
Me: Yes, I noticed. The dripping on the floor gave it away.
Doodlebug: It feels…better…to just…let it hang out…in the air.
MoonCat: Sneaky weather. Up, then down, then way up. You’re not a yo-yo toy. As for me, I would never choose to pant. So undignified.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Sky Can’t Make Up Its Mind – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The sky is flippy-floppy again, Lady Human. One day it wants to be cold. Then it wants to be hot. Then it wants to be cold and hot at the same time.
Doodlebug: Like it has no mind of its own.
Me: It doesn’t.
MoonCat: Like some creatures I have known, blowing hot, then cold. My best feline advice – seek shelter and eat treats.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Don’t Breathe My Air – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Hey, Doodle, back up! Don’t breathe my air! It’s mine! Get your own!
Me: We are all breathing whatever air is in this space. It’s Doodlebug’s air, too.
Doodlebug: Thank you, Lady Human, for defending my airspace.
Me: There’s plenty for everyone.
MoonCat: Let’s see. The air in this room divided among one human, one cat, two parakeets, and two giant-nosed, big-mouthed bulldogs equals…somebody open a window.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
Bulldog Hobbies – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human! Same ole problem!
Me: Let me guess. Boredom.
Sweetie: BORED! Can’t you see how I’m stamping my feet impatiently?
Doodlebug: Come to think of it…BORED!
Me: Play a game with your toys.
Sweetie: Too tame. I know! We can chew something up. Anything!
Me: No, not just anything.
Doodlebug: And dancing! We can dance all over the place.
Me: Otherwise known as foot stomping.
Sweetie: And don’t forget our magnificent bulldog chorus!
MoonCat: Isn’t it nice to have a hobby that annoys everyone else?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Windshields
“Tough winds require tougher windshields.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Boredom Breakers – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human! Bored!
Doodlebug: Yep! Bored! How do humans handle that?
Me: We pull out one of our hobbies or games and work on that. Like when I crochet.
Sweetie: How is tangling up yarn a good thing?
MoonCat: What a cat does with yarn is an artform. Humans just make stuff.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Foot the Bill – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Doodle, Lady Human is using human nonsense words again. She is talking about not footing the bill. What is a bill? And what do feet have to do with it?
Doodlebug: Lady Human, if you need me to, I can stomp my feet on anything you like. I’ll foot that bill!
Me: Go ahead. Here it is. See if it does any good. Stomp away.
MoonCat: Ignore bulldog feet at your peril, bill.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
No Eating Off the Floor – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, y’all, we’ve talked about this before. No bowling tipping. No bowl rocking. No food spilling on purpose. No eating off the floor.
Sweetie: But it’s cool!
Doodlebug: Yeah, it makes a great clangy sound and the food rolls around like tiny little bouncy balls.
Me: It’s messy and guess who gets to clean it up?
Sweetie: Not me!
Doodlebug: Not me!
MoonCat: Don’t even consider it.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Out of Kilter – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, do you still have a hitch in your get-along?
Me: I’m better, but something is still out of kilter.
Doodlebug: If you’re out of it, you should get some more kilter. Will the food store deliver it, because I have a few things on my list.
Me: “Out of kilter” means something is not quite right.
MoonCat: I don’t have any tunafish. Put that on the “out of kilter” list.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Junk Mail Recipients – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Hold on a minute, Sweetie! What’s that in your mouth?
Sweetie: Hmmmm?
Doodlebug: That’s from that paper pile you threw by the trash can.
Me: That’s junk mail.
Sweetie: Smells pretty good to be junk.
Me: It’s paper and that’s a problem.
Doodlebug: No problem at all, Lady Human. We’ll take it from here.
MoonCat: Don’t look at me. I have better taste than that.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
