barking – Page 2 – Bulldoggy

Foot Bath Furor – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on March 12, 2017 by H.J. Hill

As a human, I am constantly surprised by what sets the bulldogs off. The latest barking/whining frenzy started…

Stella: When your feet disappeared, Lady Human! WHEN YOUR FEET DISAPPEARED!

Miss Sweetie: Nooooo! Where did they go, Lady Human? Horrible!

Stella: Settle down, Sweetie! I will make Lady Human tell us where her feet went!

Me: This is a foot bath.

Stella: It eats feet! Keep it far away from us! We have lots of feet!

Me: Look! See! Here are my feet!

Miss Sweetie: They are back! Wonderful! You are so talented, Lady Human.

Me: It is a foot bath. I put my feet down in it like this…

Miss Sweetie: Noooo! They’re gone again! Why?

Me: And I take them out like this.

Miss Sweetie: What a relief! They are back! Lady Human is my hero. She can do anything.

Me: Not exactly.

Doodlebug: Why are you letting that monster chew on your feet?

Me: It is full of warm water and I soak my feet in it.

Tiger: Ridiculous. Why would anyone volunteer to put their feet in a box of water?

Snoopey: Tiger is always wrong. I have never agreed with her. Until now.

Me: Look, y’all. It’s a matter of perspective. From where you are, I can understand that it looks like my feet disappear.

Wiggles: Yeah, your legs look funny with a big box on the end of them. Your feet disappear, and then they come back, and then they disappear, and then they come back. You are the funniest human ever.

Stella: Wiggles, it’s not funny! It’s scary. And the box of water is making a growling noise. I don’t trust it.

Me: Come over here, Stella, and look down into the foot bath. You can see my feet.

Stella: No way, Lady Human! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. Why are you trying to fool a poor ole bulldog?

Me: Wait. When did I fool you once?

Stella: Not important.

Me: Perspective. What things look like from where you sit may not be the way they really are.

Stella: Good, because from where I sit, that box of water on your feet looks weird and scary.

Movie Dogs, Please! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 3, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! It has become harder and harder to take an uninterrupted nap around here. Is that too much to ask? I only sleep 18 hours a day…well, maybe 20, and some of that is at night. I can’t get by on less. I need my beauty sleep.

Me: You can tell time? And I haven’t noticed any nap disruptions.

Stella: What about last night when Tall Man was working on one of his silly human projects?

Me: He works late. He has to finish things when he can. And human projects aren’t silly.

Stella: All human projects are silly unless they have to do with me. Then there is Miss Sweetie, slinging her chew toys around with all their clunkety clunking.

Me: She loves those toys and besides, her play calms her down so she can sleep.

Stella: Then there is you.

Me: Me? I am keeping you from napping?

Stella: You and your Picture Box.

Me: I can turn the sound down.

Stella: It is not most of the sounds. It is one sound. The sound of dogs.

Me: I would think that you would like to see more dogs on television.

Stella: See, yes; hear, no. Permit me to say that having dogs show up at random times in movies is ridiculous.

Me: Why?

Stella: Have you ever listened to them?

Me: Yeah, they’re usually barking.

Stella: Empty noise. They never know their lines. It’s all “What do we do now?” and “What did he say?” and “I’m hungry. Where are the treats? There were treats at rehearsal.”

Me: It just sounds like barking to me.

Stella: The movie people need to get a translator.

Me: I don’t think there are dog translators. Yet.

Stella: Well then, the movie dogs need their own queen.

Me: Director.

Stella: Directors are higher than queens?

Me: On movie sets, they are.

Stella: Very well. If I must, in addition to being queen, I will now be Dog Director. Here is my direction. SHUT UP! I need to sleep. Good night.

Bulldog Opera – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 23, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, have taken up a new hobby. Now hear this: AWWGGHH! AWAAAHH AH AH HAHA! RAH RAH A HAH A HA AH!!

Me: Stella, what is that?

Stella: I am singing.

Me: Loudly.

Stella: Is there any other way?

Me: Yes.

Stella: I have a big mouth and a big throat. Why should I not use them?

Me: Honey, why have you taken up this ‘hobby’ now?

Stella: Because of that human music you played this afternoon. It made me happy and sad at the same time and I decided that I should sing like that, too.

Me: Opera?

Stella: If you say so. What human came up with that music?

Me: Puccini.

Stella: Poo Chee Nee. That would be a good name for a bulldog.

Me: I’m glad you enjoyed it, but…

Stella: Why is there always a ‘but’?

Me: Forgive me, but your opera singing sounds exactly like barking.

Stella: Of course, it does. No one taught me. It is my natural voice. Can you play the music again so I can practice?

Me: I could play something else.

Stella: POO CHEE NEE! POO CHEE NEE! POO…

Me: All right. All right. One more time.

Stella: That should be enough for me to remember the whole thing. Then I can practice and practice.

Me How about a nap instead?

Stella: No time for naps. Practice, practice, practice.

Me: What have I done?

Stella: You have unleashed a new bulldog singer on the world.

Stella’s New List of Offenders : Did You Think I Would Forget? – Stella’s Blog

Posted on January 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, even the ones who are not Illustrious or Noble, hereby post my latest List of Offenders. It has been quite a while since I listed offenders, not because there have been no offenders. There have been plenty. I have a lot of catching up to do.

In order of offensiveness,

Offender #1: Miss Sweetie – She is still a teenager and, as such, does not know how to control her barking. She believes that she must comment on everything, no matter how unimportant. I think that she loves the sound of her own voice. I do not.

Transcriptionist: Stella, that’s mean! I thought you loved Sweetie.

Stella: Of course, I love her. That’s beside the point. She talks too much. So do you, Transcriptionist. Silence!

Transcriptionist: I know who I would elect as Offender #1 and it’s not Miss Sweetie.

Stella: Offender #2 – Lady Human who, although she is a human, does not know what the word ‘Silence’ means.

Transcriptionist: Oh, I know what it means. I don’t acknowledge the right of a bulldog to use it to me.

Stella: Wrong again, Lady Human. Not just any bulldog. A bulldog queen. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Offender #3 – Snoopey. Whiney, whiney, whiney. ‘Where is this? Where is that? I’m bored. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I’m not hungry. I have gas.’ On and on and on. Hey, you get to sleep in Lady Human’s bed at night. How cool is that? What is that you are doing now? Facing the wall and pouting? Pout away. See my paws over my ears. Not listening…

Moving along. Offender #4 – Jerky McSquirrelyFace.

Transcriptionist: So your arch nemesis is worthy of a mention on the List?

Stella: No! But he is still an offender though I refuse to honor him with his own list.

Transcriptionist: And what has he done to earn his place on the List?

Stella: What hasn’t he done? You know, don’t you, that he uses the toilet in our yard? OUR YARD. That is our toilet and no one else’s. And then there’s all that tail flicking. Enough! The queen is tired. The List of Offenders could go on and on.

Transcriptionist: Would your name end up on there eventually?

Stella: Of course. Mine is the most important name on any list. I learned that from watching humans.

Stella’s New Year’s Resolutions – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 4, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby declare my resolutions for the New Year called 2017 by the humans. Before I begin, what is a resolution?

Me: It’s a decision that you make to do some particular thing, such as to lose a certain amount of weight or to stop smoking or to exercise regularly. People use resolutions to state their intention to break an old bad habit or start a new good habit.

Stella: So it is just humans thinking wishfully.

Me: Well, more like humans thinking hopefully.

Stella: I am glad I asked. It sounds like a waste of time.

Me: People do it when they want to make a positive change.

Stella: Bulldogs don’t sit around saying what they would like to change. They just do it. If a low branch is in my way, I don’t say, ‘Oh, I will work to move that branch out of my way.’ No! I take that silly branch in my teeth and shake it this way and that and snap! No branch in my way no more. No resolutions. Just bulldog action.

Me: Some changes take a process.

Stella: Bulldog process – grab it, shake it, snap it, done. Wait! I know some New Year’s Resolutions I can make. I resolve that Snoopey will stop making her whiny little noises. And I resolve that all the treats in the house should be offered to me first. And I resolve that Tiger will stop interrupting my naps with her snorting. And I resolve…

Me: Actually, it doesn’t work that way. You resolve what you will do. You can’t resolve what someone else will do. They each must do that themselves. Believe me, I tried to set a goal last year that involved some other people and all I could do was carry out my part.

Stella: You should have told me you were having that problem, Lady Human. As Queen, I could have ordered them to cooperate.

Me: Stella, you are queen of some bulldogs and you can’t get them to cooperate. What hope do you have of getting humans to do what you want?

Stella: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

Me: Whoa! What’s that? What do you want?

Stella: That was me Loud Barking. It works all the time on humans. See how quickly it worked on you?

Human Barking – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on December 29, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am in charge here. Whatever that horrible noise is, stop it now!

Snoopey: It sounds like a fake bulldog.

Stella: It must stop! Now everybody is barking at it! Agghh! Now Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie are barking at each other! Wiggles! What are you barking at?

Wiggles: Everybody else is barking. So…me, too!

Stella: What started this?

Me: It must have been me. I was gargling.

Stella: Why would you do such a horrible thing? What is gargling and how can it be stopped?

Me: It’s like juggling water in the back of my throat. It may help me get my whole voice back sooner.

Stella: Wait! You found your voice? Was it in the back yard as I thought? Anyway, can you juggle the water in your throat someplace where it won’t bother the bulldogs? You heard the eruption.

Me: Maybe. Maybe not. I think they will hear me anywhere in the house.

Stella: Gargling must be human barking.

Me: I don’t think so. I think human barking would be…well, barking. Or yelling. Gargling may not have a dog correlation.

Stella: Dog correlation? You are being confusing again, Lady Human. Is that another horrible noise that we will be forced to bark at?

Me: Are you ever really forced to bark at anything? Isn’t barking something that you choose to do?

Stella: Are you ever really forced to gargle, Lady Human? Isn’t gargling something that you choose to do?

Me: But I don’t gargle every day. And I don’t yell every day. I don’t even bark every day.

Stella: To each his own. Wait again! What is that?

Me: Sirens.

Stella: Very well, Pack. Barking may commence.

Tiger: (barking)

Snoopey: (barking)

Wiggles: (barking)

Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie: (barking at each other)

Stella: You may recommence your gargling noise, Lady Human. It makes no difference now.

Do You Hear What I Hear? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on September 22, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Help! Weirdnesses have grown over Lady Human’s ears! Her ears are swollen so big. The weird things are consuming her head! If any humans can hear me, please help!

Me: It’s all right, Stella! These are headphones, not weirdnesses, whatever those are. They help me hear when everything conspires against me. Namely, barking bulldogs.

Stella: Why were you wearing them? They are not attractive. That is not an insult. That is a fact.

Me: Thank you for your bulldog bluntness. I was listening to a seminar by Michael Hyatt about productivity and focus. Despite his suggestions, my productivity and focus were sorely disrupted by the barking of a pack of bulldogs.

Stella: Your headphones did not protect you from our barking? We are more powerful than I thought we were. Excellent!

Me: No, not excellent. Loud and distracting! What was the barking about?

Stella: I don’t know. No one was speaking clearly. It sounded to me like Ruff! Ruff! Food! Ruff! Treats! Ruff! Ruff! Fun! You know. The usual stuff.

Me: Sadly, I don’t know. I’ll have to take your word for it.

Stella: I would not lie to you, Lady Human, not on purpose anyway.

Me: When you see my headphones on my head, can you all try to keep the noise to a minimum.

Stella: We will try. Now just how loud is a minimum?

A Sleep Deprived Bulldog is No Fun – Conversations with Stella

Posted on August 9, 2016August 9, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am with Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge…

Stella: Ahem.

Me: Queen Stella…

Stella: Thank you for setting …the record…straight. Ahhhhawwww.

Me: Why are you yawning so much? Is it a dog thing?

Stella: It is a tired dog thing.

Me: But you sleep about 20 hours a day.

Stella: Not lately. Haven’t you heard all the bulldog noise at night?

Me: No. I must have slept through it.

Stella: Lucky. Living in close quarters with bulldogs is hard.

Me: Yeah, tell me about it.

Stella: Okay.

Me: Actually, that is a human expression that means you don’t have to tell me about it. I already know.

Stella: Human expressions are stupid.

Me: Agreed.

Stella: With bulldogs, there is always snoring or farting or silly whining or barking. How can anybody sleep under those conditions? And there are those weird noises at night and we wake up and bark to let you know in case there is a problem.

Me: Yes, the warnings. Tall Man takes care of those. I seem to be able to sleep through them. I guess I’ve gotten used to them.

Stella: Because you are a bulldog human.

Me: So how can we make sure that you get more sleep?

Stella: Earplugs against the barking and whining and snoring. And nose plugs against the bad smells.

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea. I have a feeling that you would end up trying to eat those earplugs and nose plugs, bulldog style.

Stella: Only if they smell good and taste good.

Me: So only if they are stinky and taste like garbage, right?

Stella: Is there a problem with that?

Me: A human problem, yes. Look, I will try to keep the nighttime bulldog disturbances to a minimum.

Stella: I like it when you and I go camping, just the two of us. And we sleep in your little cloth house…

Me: The tent?

Stella: Yes, and you have lots of blankets and we eat stuff you bring and it is just the two of us. And it is quiet.

Me: Quiet, yes, except for big rigs rolling down the highway and except for coyotes baying all night long as they go hunting.

Stella: Wait. What? I don’t remember that. I didn’t hear that. Coyotes?

Me: Yes. I stayed awake part of the night, listening.

Stella: I had no idea.

Me: You slept soundly all night long.

Stella; What about you?

Me: I slept and I awakened and I listened. That was my job.

Stella: I had no idea.

Me: Yes, that was your job.

Stella: S0 it appears that we have been watching out for each other.

Me: It would appear so.

Stella: Thank you, Lady Human.

Me: Thank you, Stella.

Cat Chasing Time – Where is the Cat? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on August 8, 2016August 8, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Here I am with Stella, the Olde English Bulldogges’ Queen…

Stella: Where is the cat?

Me: Excuse me?

Stella: Where is the cat?

Me: Chilling out in one of her many hiding places.

Stella: So where is the cat?

Me: That’s for her to know and you to find out.

Stella: That’s not funny. Is that a human game?

Me: It was a long time ago.

Stella: Why is the cat hiding? It is time for cat chasing.

Me: Yeah, about that. That’s not really her favorite game.

Stella: Why ever not? It is the most fun ever!

Me: I have noticed something about that game that is a little odd.

Stella: Like how I always win.

Me: More like how you are the only one playing it.

Stella: That is not correct. Bulldogs are cat chasers. We are all players. Whoop!

Me: Whoop?

Stella: Isn’t that what humans yell when they win?

Me: Mmmmm. Not always.

Stella: Where is the cat?

Me: If this is a real game, you will have to find her.

Stella: Not fair.

Me: Of course it is fair. The cat’s hiding is part of the game. If the other bulldogs are playing, why can’t they help you find her?

Stella: Well…to be honest, they are lazy. But you have suspected that for a long time.

Me: No, they aren’t being lazy. They want you to play the game while they sit still and watch you run your rear end off. They bark and whine and get you all stirred up to search for the cat. Have you noticed that when they walk past the cat, they touch noses with her and there is no barking, no stomping, and no chasing? They leave that to you.

Stella: Well…that is just…wrong! Grrrrrr! It makes me want to….

Me: To tell the other bulldogs off?

Stella: No, it makes me want to chase a cat. Go find me a cat to chase.

Me: Nope. Find your own.

Speech! Speech! Speech! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 27, 2016July 27, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Allow me to interrupt.

Stella: Why not? You do all the time even without permission.

Me: Only as necessary, so yes, just about all the time. What was that horrible throaty noise you were making to the other dogs? It sounded like gargling embedded in a whine.

Stella: You have no appreciation for bulldoggese! Horrible? Gargling? Whine?

Me: That’s what it sounded like to my human ears.

Stella: I was giving a speech to my followers. You humans understand this. I have been hearing nothing but speeches from your human overlords for many days now.

Me: Uh, excuse me. We don’t have human overlords. Not that some humans don’t try to lord it over us.

Stella: That’s not what I was hearing on the Picture Box. And if you humans make speeches, why can’t I make one…or two…or a few more to my bulldogs?

Me: What were you saying to the bulldogs?

Stella: I told them that humans talk a lot and say very little. I told them that they were not to worry about that. I told them that they are not responsible for human speech that means nothing. I told them to ignore the cat, too. She talks entirely too much and nothing she says makes any sense. And I told them that if they don’t understand something that a human tells them to do, they should just start barking and the humans will give up.

Me: Oh, thank you, Stella, that is so helpful.

Stella: You are welcome.

Me: No wonder the bulldogs are barking so much!

Stella: I am their Queen. They do listen to me. Sometimes. Do humans listen to their leaders when they make speeches?

Me: Mmmmm.

Stella: Maybe I should start making speeches to the humans. Maybe they would listen to me.

Me: You know, Stella, under the current circumstances, it couldn’t hurt.

Mouth Traffic Jam – Stella’s Blog

Posted on July 14, 2016July 14, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Once again, hello!

We bulldogs are known everywhere by our big, beautiful mouths. They are wide and deep and framed on the bottom by serious-looking teeth that Lady Human calls our “upside down vampire fangs”. I don’t know what an upside down vampire is. Since she loves bulldogs, that was probably a compliment to us. Probably. Maybe. Lady Human says weird things sometimes. I still love her. Probably.

Bulldogs are vocal. Human translation: LOUD. It is one of the things I like most about us. If you are a dog, bark. If you are going to bark, BARK LOUD!

Don’t be a pipsqueak!

But having said that, there is too much bulldog mouth traffic around here. This past week has been LOUD. When Lady Human takes me somewhere in her rolling box and there are too many other rolling boxes in front of her, she says, ‘Traffic jam!’ That means we won’t get to the fun place or…yuck, the vet (a sweet lady, but you know, vet) any time soon.

What we have at our house is a MOUTH TRAFFIC JAM. Too much bulldog talk too much of the time. Why does this bother me? Because with everyone else barking, no one can hear me. As queen, I deserve to be heard first, foremost, and all the time.

If the queen barks and no one hears her, how can she be queen?

So today I am issuing a queen order. (A what? An edict? If you say so.) I am issuing an edict.

NOBODY TALKS WHILE I AM TALKING. IF I AM QUIET AND START TALKING, EVERYBODY ELSE, SHUT UP!

SIGNED, QUEEN STELLA

Well, that was easy enough. I am surprised that the humans haven’t figured out the edict thing yet. It would solve all of their problems.

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Stella’s Blog – An Open Letter to My Sister, Snoopey

Posted on July 9, 2016July 9, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello!

This is an open letter to my sister, Snoopey McLoud BarkyFace:

Dear Snoopey:

Shut up!!!

You are so tense. Every noise, every hint of a noise, every time one of the humans comes or goes, up you jump and loudly you bark. Now you have me jumping up whenever you jump up. Declare an end to the stupid! I have only had two 10-hour naps today and I am sleep deprived. All thanks to you.

The humans are under pressure because of bad things that happened within miles, but not in our backyard. They are sad and that’s when they need us the most. If you are tense because they are, get over it. Jumping up to bark every few minutes won’t help anybody and, more importantly, it ticks me off!

It is late. Listen to me. I am your sister and I love you. Well, maybe, most of the time. Don’t get any ideas of taking advantage. No treat sharing or toy sharing, so don’t even ask. Sharing is for puppies and sister love extends only so far.

GO TO SLEEP! PLEASE! You will feel better in the morning. If not, we can find an island where you can go on a nice vacation and sunbathe on the warm sand. Lady Human tells me that such places exist. I don’t know that they are dog islands though, so you will probably have to get something called a “passport”.

Good Night, Snoopey! Sweet dreams. Everything will be all right.

Love (sort of),

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges (and your sister)

Stop the Noise! I Can’t Think! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 7, 2016July 7, 2016 by H.J. Hill

The noise level in the house has increased ten-fold this week. Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, may be able to shed light on why.

Stella: Not our fault. Totally falls on the humans’ shoulders. What did you think would happen when you brought a long red pole with a sponge on it into the house? Who can stand such a thing?

Me: It’s a mop. How are we supposed to mop the floor without a mop?

Stella: Stick a towel on your feet and skate. I’ve seen you do that before.

Me: On a small area. Not on the whole floor. And you didn’t just go nuts barking at the mop. Once you got your bucket kicked over, you all were barking at everything.

Stella: Our barking is a public service. If you don’t want us to bark, don’t bring in strange things that fit on the end of long poles. We hate long, skinny stuff. And don’t bring around strange people either, no matter what shape they are. We are not partial to strangers. It took us long enough to get used to you and Tall Man.

Me: Well, with all the barking, I can’t think my way out of a box.

Stella: Why would you be in a box?

Me: It means that I can’t think through even simple problems.

Stella: I am sorry, Lady Human. I am sorry that we are so annoying. We are bulldogs.

Me: No, don’t be sorry, Stella. If it weren’t for your noise, things would be too quiet around here.

Stella: As a favor to you, we will stop barking. For today only. Just to make room for your thinking. We don’t want you to be stuck in a box. Tomorrow we will recommence.

Me: Can’t we make that bark stoppage permanent?

Stella: Not if you insist on mopping.

Stella’s Blog – Why Are Humans Crazy?

Posted on July 6, 2016July 6, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello!

Today’s question: Why are humans crazy?

I wish I understood humans better. Not just their long words that don’t translate into bulldoggese, but why they keep bringing in weird stuff that is scary.

The vacuum I understand. It is loud and annoying, but I now know that it will not suck me in. The humans use it to clean up dog hair. Dog hair is not a problem, but it is the humans’ time to waste so I don’t interfere.

The little round boxes that make a false wind are not a problem anymore either. They make us feel cooler and the wind is never strong enough to knock anything down. I will allow them to stay.

Then there are all the strange, loud things that Tall Man does outside. Roaring and sawing and banging. Buzzing that sounds like a giant bee. (Oh, no! Not giant insects! Not again! If we are really quiet, maybe they will go away.)

And now, the latest horror. A LONG RED POLE with a SPONGE attached to one end. Why is that so frightening? I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT IS!

How would you like it if a long red stick with a sponge showed up in your home and someone started dipping it in water and pushing it around the floor? Exactly! You wouldn’t like it at all. We sure didn’t. We barked and yelped and told it to leave. We didn’t care that Tall Man was the one pushing it. The awful pole with the sponge had fooled him into bringing into the house. I don’t know what it was up to, what its evil plan was, but all the bulldogs agreed that it needed to leave.

Of course, Moon the Cat was no help, as usual. She slept through the whole thing or pretended to. She may have planned the whole thing. How do we know what she is doing when she is out of sight?

How can we bulldogs stop these frightening things from happening? How long will the humans bring crazy, scary things into the house?

Well, at least things have settled down…wait, what is that in Tall Man’s hands? It is a LONG GREEN POLE with a SAW on the end of it. Humans! Will the nightmare never end?

Have a nice day!

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Stella’s Blog – You Call This a Celebration?

Posted on July 5, 2016July 5, 2016 by H.J. Hill

This is Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

What was going on last night?

Boom-booms started after the sun went to bed. They rocked the sky for hours. I thought a big storm was roaring, but when I finally agreed to let Lady Human lead me out into the yard, no storm, no rain, no wind, just boom-booms and more boom-booms.

Tiger refused to go out; she was afraid of the sky booming. Ridiculous! Tiger, never pass up a chance to go to the bathroom!

Lady Human did not seem nervous or afraid so I decided that I did not have to worry, but I got my business done in double quick time all the same.

I waited for her to tell me what was happening. When she didn’t, I stared at her until she got the point. Humans need hints. I didn’t understand all of her words, but she said that the humans were celebrating something big and the boom-booming was how they showed their joy.

That makes no sense. When bulldogs celebrate, we don’t make loud noises – oh, wait, we do, but barking is not nearly so loud and annoying and scary as boom-booming in the sky. How the humans were making the sky boom, I have no idea. Humans are very clever and are able to make things fly. They are also silly and waste their time on things that have nothing to do with food, treats, or toys.

Bulldogs know how to celebrate. We dance, we prance, we roll, we bark, we talk, we eat, we sleep, we sniff, we run, we slap with our paws, we chew, we burp, and we let air out in other ways not so popular.

Humans could learn a thing or two about celebrating from us.

Finally, the boom-booming slowed down. Then it stopped. The humans causing it had fallen asleep or had run out of loud noise makers. But a little later, the sky got loud again, and this time we saw light flash. A storm had arrived. Thunder cracked and sky fire lit up everything. It went on and on.

The humans may disagree with me, but I think the Great Creator was celebrating with them.

Happy Celebrating, People!

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Being Quiet When Others Aren’t

Posted on June 17, 2016June 17, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Quiet was a precious commodity that I discounted for much of my life. I grew up as an only child and my friends called me lucky. There were no sibling rivalries or fights. Little was required to be shared. I watched what I wanted to on TV. Well, I did have to share several hours a week with my parents. But the most special gift I possessed without realizing it was the freedom to retreat to my room and think or read or listen to music by myself. The greatest gift I possessed was quiet.

We have lived through a week of the unusual, including a bad automobile accident that my son was involved in last night. He is fine, as are the two young men who were in the vehicle that hit him. By God’s great grace, everyone walked away from a wreck that the officer at the scene told my son should have claimed the lives of those teenagers. After their car struck my son’s, they rolled over. Their tire tracks are on the side of my son’s SUV.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that seat belts don’t matter. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that God is not merciful. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that dogs can’t sense your emotions.

These have been barking days. I mean that literally. And figuratively.

Without having directly lived through any of the events of this week, the bulldogs have sensed the tension, the unrelenting pressure. They don’t know how to put it into our words, so they put it into theirs.

I have never heard these dogs bark so much, so loudly, so continuously as I have over the past few days. Especially Tiger and Miss Sweetie.

Why Miss Sweetie, I don’t know. She is young and opinionated. She excites easily and is hard to calm down. Any new twist to our schedule intrigues her and disturbs her. She is bullheaded and bulldoggy. She is sensitive.

Tiger I understand better. Tiger understands pain. This next week will be the one year anniversary of the dog attack that almost took her life before she came to us. In fact, she came to us as a result of that fight with one of her previous pack members. When I have been in pain for any reason, I see Tiger wince. (For Tiger’s whole story, see Saving Tiger Parts 1 – 4 in the archives of this blog).

When the nonstop barking begins, I can easily fall into annoyance, but I have no right to. Their barking is the only way they have of showing that they know something is wrong. In our house. In our world.

God bless these dogs for caring enough to bark.

Stella’s Blog – Urgent Alert! – Monster Invasion!

Posted on June 9, 2016June 9, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Humans, beware! A new monster is in town! It invaded our house and took Tall Man captive. Here is its description:

Its roar is a storm wind caught in a box. It is taller than me or any of the bulldogs and we were not able to stop it. Well, to be honest, we didn’t really try. Tiger is the only one who tried. She bit at it again and again. The monster paid no attention. The rest of us barked though. I thought that was brave of us, but barking only seemed to make the monster angrier. Hey, at least we didn’t run away.

The monster grabbed Tall Man’s hand and pulled him around the room, making its awful whirring scream. It had a long, black tail that got stuck in the wall. It dragged him behind the chairs and the couch, and if anything was on the floor, it sucked it in and ATE IT! Even pieces of food that we had dropped! NO!

Finally, it pulled Tall Man into the room where cars and machines live. We don’t know what happened after that. When it got dark, Tall Man reappeared. He had escaped! We were so happy! There was no sign of the loud sucking monster! He did not say so, but we bulldogs believe that he defeated the monster in battle. He is our hero! Until the next monster shows up. Then he will have to prove himself all over again.

Where are all these monsters coming from? First, giant insects. Now obnoxious, grabby, loud-mouthed monsters with wheels and forked tails. Food stealers. We dropped that food by accident. We were planning to come back for it later. Not fair!

Transcriptionist: Stella, that so-called monster was a new vacuum cleaner.

No, I have seen vacuums before. This was a monster. Just ask Tall Man. It wrestled him.

Transcriptionist: You thought he was a giant insect a few months ago. That wasn’t true either.

You are denying the monster invasion. That means only the bulldogs will be ready when they come in force.

Transcriptionist: Not everything is a monster, Stella.

Wrong! Everything is a monster until proved otherwise. That’s how bulldogs play it safe. Stay alert, humans!

Until next time, this has been

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, Queen of the Bulldog Monster Hunters

Stella’s Blog – No Barking at Breakfast

Posted on June 1, 2016June 1, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen (Yes, QUEEN) of the Olde English Bulldogges. Welcome once again to my blog. I like blogging because I have much to say on every subject, even subjects I know nothing about.

The sky has been crying a lot. Rain, the humans call it. But I am dry and comfortable. Why? Because I do not dance in the water like Miss Sweetie and Doodlebug. They are silly puppies and come back in the house painted with mud and who knows what else. I am dignified and all grown up and…oh, what’s that? The cat is running and I must catch her! Aaaagghh! I slid on the floor. Missed chance! Where was I? Ah, I am a dignified grown-up and I don’t do silly things.

Which is why I want to complain about barking at breakfast.

I like a nice, quiet morning. Breakfast comes after outdoor potty time (take note, Miss Sweetie – outdoor potty time. There is no official indoor potty time ever.) Lady Human calls our food time “The Hallelujah Breakfast Club” and she eats with us. Not the same food out of our bowls. I would not like that. Everybody, stay out of my bowl! I don’t want your dirty mouths in it. That goes double for Lady Human. I have no idea what humans eat or chew on. I don’t even want to think about it.

I have noted way too much loud bulldog talk during breakfast. Tiger is the biggest loudmouth. If I can wait patiently for my bowl to be filled, why can’t you,Tiger? And Doodlebug does not have to put his five pennies in either.

(Pause for consultation with transcriptionist)

Two cents. I have been informed that the human expression is two cents. Very well. Two cents. It sounded more like five to me.

The point is they have nothing to say and it is too early to be listening to loud noises. Barking should be used for emergencies only, such as strangers, hurry up bathroom runs, Moon the Cat, and singing the song of our people.

So please, everyone, dogs and people, keep the barking down in the mornings. The only sound that we should hear is bulldog mouths chomping our food. Humans may stay if they eat silently.

Thank you for your kind attention. That is all.

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Conversations with Stella – The Crying Sky

Posted on May 31, 2016May 31, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Me: Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, is back for another conversation about her important question of the day. So what has you perturbed today, Stella?

Stella: First of all, QUEEN STELLA to you. Others may call me “Your Majesty”.

Me: Nope.

Stella: The sky has been crying too much.

Me: We have been having a wet spring.

Stella: Why?

Me: It would take a long to explain and I’m not sure you would understand. I ‘m not sure that I do. Some years are rainy and some are dry.

Stella: Is the sky sad?

Me: The sky doesn’t have emotions like that. There are a lot of things going on up there.

Stella: Is the Creator angry? I heard the big booms over and over again the past few nights. And light was flashing outside.

Me: Those were thunderstorms. The Creator is far more powerful than a thunderstorm. We can’t even imagine how powerful. If the Creator were angry with us, a thunderstorm would be the least of our concerns.

Stella: It was scary.

Me: But you were safe even though something scary was going on.

Stella: Snoopey was so stupid. She started barking and all that did was make things louder.

Me: The storms frighten her, too. She was just trying to warn us.

Stella: Stupid Snoopey! Barking at the sky!

Me: But you were scared, too.

Stella: Yes, but I didn’t bark like a silly head. I hunkered down in my bed and covered my face like a smart dog. Lady Human, you talk to the Creator, don’t you?

Me: Yes, it’s called prayer.

Stella: I thought so because sometimes you are talking when no humans are around and you aren’t talking to me or the bulldogs. Or to that silly cat. Would you ask the Creator to stop the sky from crying so much and so loudly?

Me: I’m not going to ask for the rain to stop. We need it for the lakes and rivers and fields. Summer is coming. But I can ask for moderate rain, not so much all at once.

Stella: Is the Creator mean?

Me: No, He is kind.

Stella: Then why are there scary thunderstorms?

Me: Maybe He allows them so we will remember to look up.

Don’t Bark at the TV

Posted on May 25, 2016May 25, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I have always watched television. My father told me that from the time I could stand, I would place myself right in front of the bulky old screen and stare at the black-and-white images that danced across it.

Over the years, I have cut back on my television viewing. I limit myself now to a few series and some old movies. The dogs are pretty much always in the room where our only television sits and so they get exposed to whatever we are watching.

Most of the time, they aren’t watching, but when a dog on the TV barks, they are on their feet in an instant. The probability of my quieting them in less than ten minutes is just about nil, so I usually have to pause whatever is on and wait them out.

I remember watching the old Gary Cooper movie, Friendly Persuasion, when a scene with a honking goose showed up. Boy howdy, that was a major barking event. Nobody believed me when I told them that it was just a goose in a movie. “IT’S ON THE TV! IT’S ON THE TV!” Why did I bother to repeat myself? They heard the goose (which probably went to its reward decades ago – that movie was released in 1956) and jumped right into the conversation.

I know good and well that nothing has ever come busting through that screen in spite of what horror movie producers would have us believe. You wouldn’t be able to tell that from listening to our dogs.

Their bulldog barking is silly, loud, and disruptive. Nobody on the TV can even hear them.

So why do I bark at the TV?

Yes, I have caught myself standing in front of the screen, talking (loudly), laying out my “perfect” wisdom to someone on television who cannot hear me or see me (unless there really are secret cameras and microphones embedded, but I won’t speculate about that), and likely wouldn’t care a jot if they could.

At least the dogs have an excuse. They are dogs. When it comes to understanding television broadcasts, they don’t have the sense that God gave a goose, on screen or off. But what about me? I should know better than to argue with an image.

	u2hearts on Stuck in a Rut – Convers…
	Trent R on Special Spaces – Convers…
	H.J. Hill on A Refuse Pile of Notions…
	u2hearts on A Refuse Pile of Notions…
	H.J. Hill on Don’t Be So Bulldog…

	u2hearts on Stuck in a Rut – Convers…
	Trent R on Special Spaces – Convers…
	H.J. Hill on A Refuse Pile of Notions…
	u2hearts on A Refuse Pile of Notions…
	H.J. Hill on Don’t Be So Bulldog…