Bulldoggy

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. A mountain appeared in our territory about a century ago.

Me:  Time references are still a challenge for you, girl, aren’t they?

Stella:  It was a long, long, long time ago.

Me:  If you are referring to the mound of sawdust left by the removal of the downed oak tree, that appeared a few days ago, not a century. A century is one hundred years.

Stella:  Yes, exactly. A century ago.

Me:  Oh, never mind.

Stella:  Now everybody thinks that the mountain is the only place to sunbathe, like it is a big deal. Phuuf! I am not impressed.

Me:  Is that because the others get to the top of the mound first?

Stella:  Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. I think they look silly all sprawled out on top of that heap.

Me:  Because you want to be sprawled out on top of that heap?

Stella:  Hmmph! I am the top of the heap! I am the Queen!

Me:  When I was a kid, we used to play a game called ‘King of the Hill’.  If we found a pile of dirt, we would rush to the top and try to stay there by pushing everyone else off.

Stella:  It sounds like a fun bulldog game. I’m surprised humans came up with it. Did you ever win?

Me:  For a little bit.

Stella:  That’s what I must do. I must become Queen of the Hill. Come on, Lady Human. I will push you off the mountain. You are already used to losing.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human loves me. I always do what she says because she wants the best for me.

Me:  Uhhhh….

Stella:  Whereas Wiggles…

Wiggles:  I do what I want. Except when I don’t. Then I do something else. And that’s what I want.

Me:  And right now, you need to come inside. It’s too hot out here. It’s 96 degrees but feels like 101.

Wiggles:  Feels fine to me.

Me:  Then why are you panting?

Wiggles:  I am not panting. I am just breathing loudly.

Stella:  You see?

Me:  Come on. Let’s go inside.

Wiggles:  I like it here.

Stella:  So stubborn.

Me:  Okay. I’ll have to put the lead on you. I can’t let you stay out here.

Wiggles:  I do what I want.

Me:  There. It’s on.

Wiggles:  Okay.

Me:  You don’t mind?

Wiggles:  When you put the lead on me, it makes me feel loved. Like a giant necklace of love. So, now, because of the love necklace, I have to do what you want.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My world has been peaceful for so long, but now, that is over.

Me:  It was over for me when I met a whole pack of barking bulldogs and they came to live with me.

Stella:  I have no idea what you mean. What I mean is the whole world is loud and weird now and it all started with that loud, weird storm. All that buzzing and banging and booming.

Me:  There is still a lot of clean up going on.

Stella:  How is a calm, quiet bulldog supposed to sleep? And nap? And nap some more? And then sleep again?

Me:  I haven’t noticed you having a problem with that.

Stella:  I’m good at playing possum.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am in my quiet space. It is soft and squishy and nobody bothers me here. This will go on for as long as I want it to…Wait. What’s that? Lady Human! A giant is stomping on the roof! Monster bees are attacking the house! RUN! NO, DON’T RUN! HIDE!

Me: It’s all right, girl!

Stella: NO! NOT ALL RIGHT! Don’t you hear the pack barking! They don’t bark when everything’s all right!

Me: Uh, yes, they do.

Stella: Well, this isn’t one of those useless barking times. This is real. Something is attacking the house.

Me: Here’s what’s happening. Do you remember the big storm?

Stella: Sure. That’s why the big tree lives on the house now.

Me: No, hon. The big tree isn’t alive anymore. What you hear are men walking on the roof and chainsaws cutting up the tree.

Stella: The big tree can’t stay there?

Me: The storm ripped it out of the ground and trees have to stay grounded in order to live.

Stella: Oh.

Me: Don’t worry. The men are here to help. They are not attacking the house.

Stella: May we keep a look out, just in case their chainsaw bees change their minds and take over?

Me: Sure.

Stella: Will you stay with us?

Me: Sure. Do you feel better now?

Stella: I’ll feel better when the monster bees go home.

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. A stranger is in the house!

Me: It’s all right. I know all about it.

Stella: I am not talking about the tiny human who comes to visit. This is a grown adult human, a man. Tell him to leave or we will.

Me: No, you won’t. He already knows you are disturbed by his presence. He is just here to do his job.

Stella: Which is?

Me: He is here to see how much damage was done to our house in last week’s storm and to arrange for the money to pay for it to be repaired. It’s called ‘insurance’.

Stella: Another likely human story. I think he is here to spy on us.

Me: Why would he spy on us? Aren’t you always saying how boring we are?

Stella: Maybe he is more bored than we are. Insurance. The sounds boring in and of itself.

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Tiger: And I should be.

Stella: Hush your mouth!

Me: Hold on, girls! Stella, let’s be especially nice to Tiger. Today is her 5th birthday.

Stella: So what! Baloney! Why should someone get to be rude just because it’s their birthday?

Me: I’m not saying anyone has an excuse to be rude on their birthday. I’m saying cut her some slack.

Tiger: Thank you, Lady Human.

Me: If you’ve noticed, Tiger, you got a few extra treats today

Tiger: I noticed. They were delicious, but now my stomach feels weird.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry.

Tiger: It’s okay. It’s not your fault. You were trying to be nice to me on my birthday.

Me: What would be a better birthday gift for you?

Tiger: Something I never get and something that won’t upset my tummy.

Stella: Something like being queen for a day?

Tiger: Queen? Me? Yes.

Stella: All right. I hereby declare you are Queen for the Day. Happy Birthday, Tiger.

Tiger: Thank you.

Stella: You are welcome, Your Majesty. Royal privileges expire precisely at midnight tonight. Just so we’re clear.

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogs. The world is dark.

Me: No, the world is not dark. Well, except at night. And inside the house.

Stella: Lady Human, are there still a bajillion houses with no electric stuff?

Me: The number is down to around half a bajillion now, maybe even fewer than that.

Stella: So where is our electric stuff?

Me: They’re working on it. I think that storm may have hit around here the hardest.

Stella: Humans are incompetent. Why are they in charge? I could have fixed all this mess right away.

Me: I’d like to see a bulldog in a hard hat on a utility truck, replacing a downed power line or blown transformer or getting tree limbs moved. Hey, can you get the oak tree off our house?

Stella: No. I already tried. It wouldn’t cooperate. It just lays there. Now I am sad.

Me: Don’t worry. Things will get back to normal…eventually. We’re still here, aren’t we? I believe this may actually end up being good for us.

Stella: How can it be good to not be able to see hardly anything?

Me: Use your magnificent nose.

Stella: What’s good about not having our cold air boxes?

Me: You got me there. Oh, I know! It’s so much quieter in the house.

Stella: The dark, dark house. Why are we so far down on the list?

Me: There is just a lot more damage around here to repair. Sorry, girl.

Stella: Well, next time, I’m making the list!

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am still freaked out since the loud wind nonsense. I figure some silly humans caused that.

Me: You attribute to us more power than we have.

Stella: Speaking of power…

Me: They’re working on it. Over 300,000 people in this area have been without electricity since the storm. They’ve whittled that number down to around 200,000.

Stella: How many is that?

Me: Think of all the humans, bulldogs, and animals you have ever seen.

Stella: Okay.

Me: It’s way more than that.

Stella: Wow. But why is it so dark in the daytime?

Me: Like I said, we don’t have ekectric power right now. I am very grateful that the temperature was so much cooler than normal today.

Stella: What do you mean we have no electric stuff. Flip one of those things on the wall like you always do. Tada! Light! Even I know that.

Me: The switch on the wall has no power without the flow of electricity.

Stella: Now you’re just not making any sense at all, Lady Human. Flip the switch thingey. Boom. Light. Humans are so lazy.

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am freaked out! What just happened?

Me: The biggest, fiercest wind storm I’ve ever seen in person and that includes a couple of hurricanes.

Stella: I can’t see out the backdoor. Lady Human, there is a tree in our patio.

Me: Yeah. The oak tree has been uprooted. The branches are blocking the door. The trunk is leaning against the house.

Tiger: I refuse to share the house with an oak tree.

Me: That tree is 38 or 39 years old. I can’t believe it’s fallen.

Miss Sweetie: Maybe it gave up because Doodlebug is always watering it.

Doodlebug: I like that tree.

Wiggles: Will we ever be able to go out the backdoor again?

Me: Sure. Chainsaws will clear it. I already checked the fence. It appears to be undamaged.

Stella: Now I am sad. The big tree fell. Where will the squirrels live?

Me: Stella, are you really worried about squirrels? I thought they were your nemeses.

Stella: Yes, but that doesn’t mean I wanted their home torn down.

Miss Sweetie: I think Doodle should not water anymore trees.

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Weird humans are waving sticks in the air.

Me:  Those are signs for candidates. There’s an election around here today.

Stella:  Election. I remember! That’s one of those things where you all talk and talk and talk and talk…

Me:  Okay, yes, politics.

Stella:  …and talk and talk and talk…

Me:  All right, I get it. Boring to bulldogs.

Stella:  You pay all your attention to some invisible nonsense and ignore us. Of course, that’s boring. And here you are, doing it again? Don’t you get tired of it?

Me:  Well, there are different elections for different things. This particular election is local.

Stella:  So, they are electing a queen?

Me:  No, queens aren’t generally elected.

Stella:  Wonderful news! I wouldn’t want to have to go through something like that with people waving sticks at me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I found you, Lady Human! How dare you!

Me:  Oh, Stella, how dare I what?

Stella:  Sneak into your room and take a nap! You lazy dog!

Me:   I’m not a dog and, if I’m lazy for taking a nap, what does that make you all? You all nap all the time.

Stella:  But you are Lady Human. You aren’t supposed to take naps.

Me:  Don’t you think I get tired during the day sometimes?

Stella:  No, why would you? You never do anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Hey, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Pick a spot and get in it. It’s settle down time.

Stella:  I am Stella…

Me:  I know.

Stella:  Queen of the Olde…

Me:  I get that.

Stella:  …English Bulldogges. No, not there. No, that’s wrong.

Me:  Stella, what’s wrong with just laying down on your own bed.

Stella:  It’s weird.

Me:  It’s the same as it always is.

Stella:  Nope. It’s weird. Don’t you hear it?

Me:  It creaked a little, that’s all.

Stella:  It’s too loud. Nobody can sleep on a loud, weird bed.

Me:  Go ahead and lay down on my bed. That’s where you’re going to end up anyway.

Stella:  Oh, okay. Wait. What was that noise?

Me:  I knocked into it with my knee.

Stella:  Now your bed is loud and weird! This is a nightmare!

Me:  Stella, calm down and chill out.

Stella:  The beds are weird. And I suddenly feel very…tired. So, I’ll flop down here. Keep the noise down, beds.

Me:  Good night, Stella.

Stella:  Good iii… (snore).

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English…

Doodlebug:  Ruff ruff ruff wow wow ruuh ruuh ruuh!

Stella:  …Bulldogges. Never interrupt the queen! How rude!

Me: Doodle, what’s going on with all the barking? Hungry?

Doodlebug:  Yep.

Stella:  Bored?

Doodlebug:  Yep.

Me:  Okay. Food and exercise.

Doodlebug:  Yay.

Me:  Oh, and while I’m thinking of it, ear cleaning.

Doodlebug:  Uh, nope. Never mind. Barking over and done. Starting a nap. Ears tucked and down. Good night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My bulldog head is bigger than some dogs’ entire bodies. It is a wonderful thing to behold.

Me:  Sounds like you have a big head. Hah!

Stella:  I just said that.

Me:  Well, I meant…never mind.

Stella:  No, go ahead, Lady Human, don’t never mind me.

Me:  Humans mean something different by big head. If somebody has a big head, they think highly of themselves, too highly.

Stella:  Exactly. I have a great big head.

Me:  We mean it like when somebody is all puffed up about themselves.

Stella:  That’s me. Big puffed up head. I can’t fit it through hardly anything, but I can knock a bunch of stuff aside with it.

Me:  But we aren’t talking about the size of someone’s head. We’re talking about their attitude about themselves.

Stella:  I’d like to meet some of these big-headed humans. They sound like my type of folks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where are my shoes? Huh? My shoes, where are they?

Me:  What shoes? You don’t have shoes.

Stella:  Yes, I do. I saw them. You got them for me. Shoes! To protect my little feet on wet days like this.

Me:  Oh, those didn’t fit well. They were too small. I am going to have to dedicate myself to making new ones.

Stella:  And why haven’t you dedicated yourself?

Me:  Uh. I don’t know. Lazy?

Stella:  Well said.

Me:  You don’t need shoes this time of year.

Stella:  Hello! Look outside. Mud! Mud and muddy mud and more muddy mud!

Me:  You can wipe your feet when you come back in.

Stella:  But I don’t want to. I want my special little feet to be clean the whole way.

Me:  Why do you keep saying ‘little feet’? Have you looked at your feet?

Stella:  Of course. They are little. Have you looked at yours, Lady Human? I wouldn’t be talking about mine if I were you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, we have a problem.

Me:  What? I don’t see anything.

Stella:  It’s not your eyes that you need to use. It’s your ears. Listen.

Me:  Okay.  I hear it.

Stella:  Lady Human, I hate to be the one to have to tell you, but there is a monster living in the chimney.

Me:  It’s not a monster, Stella.

Stella:  Listen to that noise. It sounds like a machine.

Me:  A little machine. It’s a chimney sweep.

Stella:  Is that the monster’s name? Who let a monster in our chimney?

Me:  The chimney screen must have blown aside during that big 100 mile per hour windstorm. It’s a chimney sweep, a kind of bird that makes homes in chimneys. We haven’t had one for decades.

Stella:  A bird?

Me:  Yes, a little bird that makes that kind of noise, like a small wind-up toy.

Stella:  Oh, no! What if you set a fire in that place? What will happen to the bird?

Me:  We won’t be setting any fires in the fireplace for a good long time. By then, the chimney sweep will be long gone. Don’t worry. We just have to replace the screen on the chimney top before next fall.. We’ll give them a spell to move on out.

Stella:  You are sure that it’s not a monster.

Me:  Double sure.

Stella:  All right then. We’ll see. Though I don’t put a whole lot of stock in the opinions of humans to determine whether something is a monster or not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The air is hot, outside and in. How did our ancestors ever stand it?

Me:  I don’t know. But they did. Still, I am turning on the air conditioners. I figure, if we’ve got’ em, use ‘em. If they had them, they would have used them. Practical people, those settlers.

Tiger:  I feel it. The air is cooling.

Miss Sweetie:  How can a box make the air colder? Is it like your rolling box that makes the air colder inside?

Me:  Sort of. The car has an air conditioner built into it.

Doodlebug:  Can we bring that one in here, too? The more cold air boxes, the better.

Me:  The car won’t fit in here. It has to stay outside.

Wiggles:  Cold air! Cold air! Cold air!

Me:  Wiggles, the calmer you stay, the cooler you’ll be.

Wiggles: Cold air! Cold air! Cold air!

Me:  Suit yourself.

Stella:  Thank you for the cold air boxes, Lady Human. When will the Great Creator’s cold air boxes turn back on?

Me:  Three and a half months, give or take.

Stella:  Give or take? Give me colder air. I’ll take it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am no fool.

Me:  No, you are not, but why are you saying so?

Stella:  I know when to come in out of the sun.

Tiger: Me, too.

Me:  I’ve noticed that. Humans have an old saying about common sense – the sense to come in out of the rain.

Stella:  Humans are foolish. Never go out in the rain!

Tiger:  Yes, if it is raining, stay inside!

Stella:  Now the sun is a different matter because the sun can make things hot.

Tiger:  Never stay out in the heat.

Me:  Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.

Stella:  Of course, that is a good rule for bulldogs, Lady Human. We don’t really care if humans stay out in the sun.

Tiger:  Yeah, stay out as long as you want.

Me:  Okay, I’ll keep that in mind as well.

Stella:  But wear a hat.

Tiger:  Yes, wear a hat. Humans look funny with hats on.

Stella:  Once again, as rare as it is, Tiger and I agree. Wear a hat so we can laugh at you, Lady Human.

Me:  You know, I have a few hats for dogs…

Stella:  Don’t even think that!

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. How rude! How dare you stare at me with your big bulldog eyes! Did no one teach you manners when you were a puppy? Get your big bulldog nose out of my face!

Me:  Stella! What’s going on? Tiger, back up! Neutral corners! NOW!

Tiger:  Oh, no. She is shouting the NOW word. She must be serious.

Me:  You have no idea how serious. Tiger, of all the dogs in this pack, you know how serious it is when one dog confronts another dog, eyeball to eyeball.

Tiger:  Yes, ma’am.

Me:  So why were you confronting Stella? You saw her hackles go up.

Tiger:  I didn’t mean to eyeball her, not in a threatening way. I just wanted to smell her face.

Me:  Why?

Tiger:  She smelled…good. She had just come back in and I thought she had found something good to eat outside.

Me:  Really?

Tiger:  I think so.

Stella:  A likely story.

Me:  Do you smell good, Stella?

Stella:  I always smell good. I sniff myself all the time to make sure. Tiger needs to learn manners.

Me:  We try, but we are not dogs. We just control circumstances, and we try to understand. I don’t know what happened in your young life, Tiger, before that horrible fight, the one that caused you to come to us. Let me tell you something that my parents taught me. It is not polite to stare.

Tiger:  Humans teach that?

Me:  Yes.

Tiger:  Because you are predators?

Me:  Perhaps. But also because it is considered rude and challenging and intrusive. We need to keep working on your body language.

Tiger:  Are you giving up on me?

Me:  No. Why would I ever do that?

Tiger:  Others have.

Me:  Others have given up on me, too. So what?

Stella:  I am sorry, Lady Human.

Me:  For what, Stella?

Stella:  For letting my hackles get the better of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is always complaining about our behavior. We’re rude. We’re loud. Well, what do you think about our behavior now, ma’am?

Me:  Are you referring to the cat?

Stella:  I saw what she did. There you were being all nice to her and brushing out her hair and she was all quiet and then…BOOM! Cat screech! Cat scratch! And why? Because cat! That’s why!

Me:  Yeah. Cats have a way about them, don’t they?

Stella:  Is that all you’re going to say? What about inappropriate behavior? How about blah, blah, blah, cut that out?

Me:  You have to talk to cats differently than you do to dogs.

Stella:  I don’t have to talk to cats at all!

Me:  I mean dogs respond to humans in a different way. For example, I point and tell you to go a certain direction, most of the time, you do.

Stella:  I do not! How insulting to suggest such a thing!

Me:  I mean dogs tend to cooperate with us a little more than a lot of cats do. I don’t mean that bulldogs are pushovers.

Stella:  I still think you need to lecture the cat on appropriate behavior.

Me:  And what do you think Moon Cat’s response will be to a lecture?

Stella:  Meow.

Moon Cat:  Meow.

Stella:  Typical.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.