cats – Page 17 – Bulldoggy

Cat Chasing Time – Where is the Cat? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on August 8, 2016August 8, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Here I am with Stella, the Olde English Bulldogges’ Queen…

Stella: Where is the cat?

Me: Excuse me?

Stella: Where is the cat?

Me: Chilling out in one of her many hiding places.

Stella: So where is the cat?

Me: That’s for her to know and you to find out.

Stella: That’s not funny. Is that a human game?

Me: It was a long time ago.

Stella: Why is the cat hiding? It is time for cat chasing.

Me: Yeah, about that. That’s not really her favorite game.

Stella: Why ever not? It is the most fun ever!

Me: I have noticed something about that game that is a little odd.

Stella: Like how I always win.

Me: More like how you are the only one playing it.

Stella: That is not correct. Bulldogs are cat chasers. We are all players. Whoop!

Me: Whoop?

Stella: Isn’t that what humans yell when they win?

Me: Mmmmm. Not always.

Stella: Where is the cat?

Me: If this is a real game, you will have to find her.

Stella: Not fair.

Me: Of course it is fair. The cat’s hiding is part of the game. If the other bulldogs are playing, why can’t they help you find her?

Stella: Well…to be honest, they are lazy. But you have suspected that for a long time.

Me: No, they aren’t being lazy. They want you to play the game while they sit still and watch you run your rear end off. They bark and whine and get you all stirred up to search for the cat. Have you noticed that when they walk past the cat, they touch noses with her and there is no barking, no stomping, and no chasing? They leave that to you.

Stella: Well…that is just…wrong! Grrrrrr! It makes me want to….

Me: To tell the other bulldogs off?

Stella: No, it makes me want to chase a cat. Go find me a cat to chase.

Me: Nope. Find your own.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME and my sister, Snoopey – Stella’s Blog

Posted on July 29, 2016July 29, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Yay! It is my birthday. Lady Human told me so. She thought it was months ago, but Tall Man showed her a paper that says it is today! I am so excited, but I don’t know why. I didn’t even know what a birthday was until she told me. I just figured that I had always been.

Oh, and since Snoopey is my sister, it is her birthday, too. Apparently, puppy sisters are born at the same time. But that is not the important point. The important point is that it’s MY BIRTHDAY!

The humans count off a certain number of days and declare that to be a year and every year on the same day, they have a birthday. And so do bulldogs. I do not understand what time is or what they call calendars. I don’t believe bulldogs need such things. Every day is special. Every day is a new beginning. When the sun comes into the morning sky, all things start over. Things happened before, but they are not as important as what is happening right now.

And right now, it’s MY BIRTHDAY!

Lady Human says that I am three years old. That does not sound like much. I think I have been around for at least 100 years,whatever a year is. (I still don’t understand that part.) She says that I have been here with her for a little over one year. That can’t be right. I don’t remember much about the days before I came here.It seems so long ago. Maybe those days were not as significant. Maybe I was too young to understand them.

But none of that matters because it’s MY BIRTHDAY!

So what else does a birthday mean?

Lady Human says that some humans put special shiny hats and collars and clothes on their dogs, but she is not going to do that to us. Good! It is too hot for extra clothes right now. She says that some humans give their dogs special cakes, but our tummies are too bulldog delicate for that.

She is giving all of us extra treats, good ones like sweet potato chips and chicken bacon jerky which are our favorites.

Why the non-birthday bulldogs are getting extra treats alongside us birthday girls, I don’t understand. Lady Human says it is a celebration and besides, she doesn’t know when Wiggles’ birthday is and she doesn’t want Wiggles to miss out. I guess that’s all right as long as I get my fair share. By fair share, I mean double what everyone else gets.

(And even Moon the Cat is getting her cat treats. Why? It’s not her birthday. This is a bulldog party. No cats! Oh, nevermind. I can be generous one day a year, whatever that is.)

So to everyone out there in the world, HAPPY MY BIRTHDAY! You can have your own treats, even cake if you like and it won’t hurt your stomachs. And you can sing happy songs, too. It doesn’t matter to me. I won’t hear you.

I will be thinking about my treats and how Lady Human sang to us because we are unique and I will be dreaming of my birthday next year, whatever year means. I hope it comes tomorrow.

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges (and Sister Snoopey who is not the Queen)

Speech! Speech! Speech! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 27, 2016July 27, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Allow me to interrupt.

Stella: Why not? You do all the time even without permission.

Me: Only as necessary, so yes, just about all the time. What was that horrible throaty noise you were making to the other dogs? It sounded like gargling embedded in a whine.

Stella: You have no appreciation for bulldoggese! Horrible? Gargling? Whine?

Me: That’s what it sounded like to my human ears.

Stella: I was giving a speech to my followers. You humans understand this. I have been hearing nothing but speeches from your human overlords for many days now.

Me: Uh, excuse me. We don’t have human overlords. Not that some humans don’t try to lord it over us.

Stella: That’s not what I was hearing on the Picture Box. And if you humans make speeches, why can’t I make one…or two…or a few more to my bulldogs?

Me: What were you saying to the bulldogs?

Stella: I told them that humans talk a lot and say very little. I told them that they were not to worry about that. I told them that they are not responsible for human speech that means nothing. I told them to ignore the cat, too. She talks entirely too much and nothing she says makes any sense. And I told them that if they don’t understand something that a human tells them to do, they should just start barking and the humans will give up.

Me: Oh, thank you, Stella, that is so helpful.

Stella: You are welcome.

Me: No wonder the bulldogs are barking so much!

Stella: I am their Queen. They do listen to me. Sometimes. Do humans listen to their leaders when they make speeches?

Me: Mmmmm.

Stella: Maybe I should start making speeches to the humans. Maybe they would listen to me.

Me: You know, Stella, under the current circumstances, it couldn’t hurt.

No Treats for the Wicked – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 26, 2016July 26, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, will begin this conversation. I just witnessed something truly disturbing.

Me: A giant insect? A giant lizard?

Stella: No, worse. Why was the cat getting treats?

Me: I give her cat treats every now and then.

Stella: Why was the cat getting treats?

Me: Because I wanted her to have something special.

Stella: Why was the cat getting treats?

Me: Sounds like your record is broken.

Stella: No treats for cats!

Me: I don’t give her your treats.

Stella: What did she do to earn them?

Me: She was just being herself.

Stella: That is simply wrong! She is a cat! You know how they are!

Me: Well, what do you do to earn most of your treats?

Stella: Not important!

Me: Why can’t I give the cat treats just because I want to?

Stella: Because CAT! Cats don’t deserve treats!

Me: We get good things we don’t deserve and we don’t get some hard things that we do deserve. We call that grace, both ways. Grace can’t be earned.

Stella: Would you give me some grace?

Me: When you say the word ‘grace’, you are really thinking about treats, aren’t you?

Stella: When I say any word, I am always thinking about treats.

Me: All you had to do was ask, Stella.

Stella: Wait! Grace doesn’t mean a cat treat, does it?

Me: No, I wouldn’t fool you like that. That wouldn’t be gracious.

“Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?…how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask Him?” Matthew 7:9-11 KJV

When You Don’t Know What to Say, Pray – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 8, 2016July 8, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella. I am an Olde English Bulldogge. In fact, I am their queen. For those who don’t know me, that was my introduction. My question today is

The humans are sad. Why?

Me: Something terrible took place last night not many miles from where we are.

Stella: I don’t understand. How far is “miles”? Did it happen in our backyard?

Me: No, but it feels as though it did.

Stella: Did it happen to us?

Me: As hard as this may be for you to comprehend, it happened to all of us.

Stella: I don’t feel different. And when I woke up this morning, I counted and all of us were here, bulldogs and humans. Even the cat.

Me: Not every family can say that.

Stella: Tell me the truth. Did some bulldogs get loose and run wild?

Me: No, nothing like that.

Stella: So it is not our fault?

Me: No.

Stella: That is a relief. I always feel guilty when dogs cause a problem. I want to stop problems, not cause them.

Me: Me, too.

Stella: Was it a storm? Because those can cause problems and I don’t know how to stop them either.

Me: It was like a storm, but humans caused it.

Stella: But humans don’t like storms! Why would humans cause one?

Me: Hatred. Confusion. Mistrust. Do you remember when Tiger came to us and why?

Stella: Yes, a dog attacked Tiger and hurt her so badly that she almost crossed over. Was what happened last night like that, but it was not done by dogs, but by humans?

Me: Yes.

Stella: But humans are supposed to have more understanding than we do. Humans are supposed to know better.

Me: We don’t apparently. Not by a long shot.

Stella: But the Great Creator put humans in charge and we are all subject to you. Stop the human-made storms! What are you going to do?

Me: Pray. And keep praying. Never stop. Even if things look all right. Ask the LORD and obey what He says. And never give up. Never. Never. Never.

Stella: What can I do?

Me: Be yourself, Stella. That’s what God created you to do.

Stella: How can that help?

Me: We need to smile again. And laugh. That’s another part of this life that God has given us. And that, Stella, is where you come in.

“For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.” (James 3:3 KJV)

Stop the Noise! I Can’t Think! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 7, 2016July 7, 2016 by H.J. Hill

The noise level in the house has increased ten-fold this week. Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, may be able to shed light on why.

Stella: Not our fault. Totally falls on the humans’ shoulders. What did you think would happen when you brought a long red pole with a sponge on it into the house? Who can stand such a thing?

Me: It’s a mop. How are we supposed to mop the floor without a mop?

Stella: Stick a towel on your feet and skate. I’ve seen you do that before.

Me: On a small area. Not on the whole floor. And you didn’t just go nuts barking at the mop. Once you got your bucket kicked over, you all were barking at everything.

Stella: Our barking is a public service. If you don’t want us to bark, don’t bring in strange things that fit on the end of long poles. We hate long, skinny stuff. And don’t bring around strange people either, no matter what shape they are. We are not partial to strangers. It took us long enough to get used to you and Tall Man.

Me: Well, with all the barking, I can’t think my way out of a box.

Stella: Why would you be in a box?

Me: It means that I can’t think through even simple problems.

Stella: I am sorry, Lady Human. I am sorry that we are so annoying. We are bulldogs.

Me: No, don’t be sorry, Stella. If it weren’t for your noise, things would be too quiet around here.

Stella: As a favor to you, we will stop barking. For today only. Just to make room for your thinking. We don’t want you to be stuck in a box. Tomorrow we will recommence.

Me: Can’t we make that bark stoppage permanent?

Stella: Not if you insist on mopping.

Stella’s Blog – Why Are Humans Crazy?

Posted on July 6, 2016July 6, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello!

Today’s question: Why are humans crazy?

I wish I understood humans better. Not just their long words that don’t translate into bulldoggese, but why they keep bringing in weird stuff that is scary.

The vacuum I understand. It is loud and annoying, but I now know that it will not suck me in. The humans use it to clean up dog hair. Dog hair is not a problem, but it is the humans’ time to waste so I don’t interfere.

The little round boxes that make a false wind are not a problem anymore either. They make us feel cooler and the wind is never strong enough to knock anything down. I will allow them to stay.

Then there are all the strange, loud things that Tall Man does outside. Roaring and sawing and banging. Buzzing that sounds like a giant bee. (Oh, no! Not giant insects! Not again! If we are really quiet, maybe they will go away.)

And now, the latest horror. A LONG RED POLE with a SPONGE attached to one end. Why is that so frightening? I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT IS!

How would you like it if a long red stick with a sponge showed up in your home and someone started dipping it in water and pushing it around the floor? Exactly! You wouldn’t like it at all. We sure didn’t. We barked and yelped and told it to leave. We didn’t care that Tall Man was the one pushing it. The awful pole with the sponge had fooled him into bringing into the house. I don’t know what it was up to, what its evil plan was, but all the bulldogs agreed that it needed to leave.

Of course, Moon the Cat was no help, as usual. She slept through the whole thing or pretended to. She may have planned the whole thing. How do we know what she is doing when she is out of sight?

How can we bulldogs stop these frightening things from happening? How long will the humans bring crazy, scary things into the house?

Well, at least things have settled down…wait, what is that in Tall Man’s hands? It is a LONG GREEN POLE with a SAW on the end of it. Humans! Will the nightmare never end?

Have a nice day!

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

What Were You Dreaming About? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 23, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Hello. I am Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, here with Lady Human again. Why? I don’t know.

Me: I was watching you sleep a while ago.

Stella: That is creepy. Do you stare at the others while they are sleeping?

Me: Occasionally, but I was watching you because you were obviously dreaming and I have never seen a dog so active during sleep.

Stella: What was I doing?

Me: Your hind legs pumped as though you were running. One even jumped off the ground. Your eyelids twitched. You ruffled your lips. You huffed and puffed like you were out of breath and your sides bellowed in and out. Then your ears perked up, shifting back and forth. Your front legs stayed still, but that was the only part of you that was not engaged in whatever was going on in your head. So what was your dream?

Stella: I was wearing a crown because, you know…queen. I ran up a grassy hill, leading my people, the bulldog army. We were so many. We charged the cat because she had taken and hidden all of our treats.

Me: A whole bulldog army to chase one cat?

Stella: As the humans say, we meant business. Our treats had disappeared! They had to be rescued!

Me: Rescued so that they could be eaten by you?

Stella: Not all eaten by me. Most of them, yes because, you know…queen.

Me: So how did the battle go?

Stella: It was exciting! I was in the lead because…

Me: Yeah, I know…queen.

Stella: Now you understand. Anyway, I was running, but a bulldog with longer legs…I think it was Snoopey but it all happened so fast… passed me and others passed me and so I jumped over them. I tilted my ears left and right to direct which way the army would go. At the top of the hill I found the cat. I ruffled an order for her to leave the treats and depart. She pretended that she did not understand me and just sat licking herself as though she didn’t care. The treats were in a basket behind her. I was about to grab them with my big bulldog mouth when…I woke up. I was at home. There was no army. There were no treats. It was just a dream. Unless…

Me: Unless what?

Stella: You make my dream come true.

Never Wear a Cat on Your Head – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 22, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, the Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, here to share my royal thoughts with you again.

Me: Royal thoughts? Really? Is that what they are?

Stella: I am a queen, thus my thoughts are royal. Do you envy me?

Me: No, I’m fine with being a human commoner.

Stella: Why were you letting the cat sit on your head today?

Me: What are you talking about? The cat did not sit on my head today or any other day.

Stella: I saw her. You were wearing her like a hat.

Me: No, no, no. She was lying down on the top of my easy chair above my head. From where you sat, it probably looked as though she was on top of my head, but I do not wear cats as hats.

Stella: She thought she was your hat. I saw her slap your face with her tail more than once.

Me: That was funny.

Stella: Cats are never funny. Odd. Weird. Catlike. Sinister. But never funny. I would not let a cat slap me in the face with her tail, not even once. They get ideas. What if she decided she belonged there? What if she decided that she lived there?They think they are in charge of things. No cat would ever dare to be in charge of a bulldog, I tell you what.

Me: I have no doubt, Stella.

Conversations with Stella – The Battering Ram

Posted on June 21, 2016June 21, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella and I are hashing out one of my issues today, not that I expect to get far with it.

Stella: What does that mean? “Get far with it.” Does that mean you are going on a camping trip far away? Noooo!!! Not without me! I hate camping. I still don’t understand why we do it, but I want to go if you are.

Me: That’s so sweet, Stella!

Stella: Not sweet. I get bored when you are not around.

Me: Still sweet. I must be a little bit interesting if you get bored without me.

Stella: You throw the bouncy toys in the yard.

Me: You don’t like the bouncy toys.

Stella: I know, but you make the effort anyway.

Me: What about Tall Man?

Stella: He is not a bouncy toy sort of human. He is a walk around sort of human. When you are not here, we just walk around, looking at stuff. Who needs to look at what we have already seen? And he won’t let us play the cat chasing game.

Me: Ah, you admit it at last. It is all a game. It is not about catching the cat at all.

Stella: Who would actually want to catch a cat? Yuck!

Me: On to my question. When you come in from outside, why must you ram the door the second that I open it? You knock past me every time. Even when I get down close to your face and tell you to enter calmly, you blow in like the last thunderstorm, do your Stella Hop around the room, and only then do you settle down.

Stella: I don’t understand the problem.

Me: You hit the door like a battering ram. In fact, the ancient Romans could have used you on some of their military campaigns. I have tried to stop you. I set myself against the door and open it slowly and BAM! Here you come blasting in.

Stella: I don’t understand the problem.

Me: All the other bulldogs WALK through the door, sometimes a little fast, but still they walk in.

Stella: When they walk in, they are not being bulldogs. I am a bulldog. I am Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges as I have made abundantly clear on many occasions. I don’t simply enter a room. I make my presence known. Everybody knows when Stella is in the building.

Me: Could you maybe be a little less bulldoggy when you come in?

Stella: Less bulldoggy? NEVER!

Me: Well, you heard it from the dog’s mouth. Until next time, farewell from me and Stella the Battering Ram.

Stella: Hmmph! That’s Queen Stella to you, Lady Human! And do not forget it!

Me: How could I?

Conversations with Stella – We’re Melting!

Posted on June 16, 2016June 16, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, is here with me to have some questions answered about yesterday’s meltdown of the air conditioning.

Stella: Meltdown. Yes. That’s what it was. We were melting. Let’s not do that again. I didn’t like it.

Me: No one liked it.

Stella: The cat liked it. She was not panting. She makes me so mad.

Me: I personally have never seen a cat pant. And she was hot, too. Did you hear her meowing at me and see how she spread herself flat. That was her way of cooling off until the window unit got going.

Stella: The cat was yelling at you. We bulldogs were not yelling at you. Although I wanted to.

Me: Well, it wasn’t like it was planned.

Stella: Humans are in charge. How could it not be planned?

Me: Humans are not in charge of everything all the time. Even the stuff humans make can stop working.

Stella: Why?

Me: Parts wear out. They are not designed to last forever.

Stella: Why?

Me: Well, because they are made by humans and we don’t have the forever thing worked out yet. The Bible says in Psalm 102 that the heavens and the earth will wear out like a garment, but God will endure. The heavens and the earth have been around for a long time. He knows how to make things that last.

Stella: Can He make our A SEE last?

Me: Our air conditioner? If God were in the a/c business, He would make one that would last, I’m sure.

Stella: Is the A SEE fixed yet?

Me: Not yet. The window unit will get us all through until it is. The back part of the house is pretty warm right now so we won’t be spending a whole lot of time back there.

Stella: Oh, oh, let’s call God and ask Him to get into the A SEE business!

Me: He lets humans make machines. He set up the seasons. We have cooler weather in autumn, winter, and spring. Summer is a little more challenging for us. Remember, all of our ancestors, yours and ours, lived long lives without any air conditioning until this last century. None of my own schools were air conditioned until I went to college.

Stella: How did you all stand it?

Me: By the grace of God, we endured.

Conversations with Stella – Musical Crates

Posted on June 7, 2016June 7, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello, I am Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, and I am concerned….

Me: I usually make the introductions, Stella.

Stella: I am taking that over today because I am concerned that the humans have lost their minds.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Stella: Yes, you should. What is going on? I’ll tell you what is going on.

Me: Then why ask?

Stella: Craziness is going on. Old-fashioned human craziness. Perturbation has taken me over.

Me: Where did you hear the word “perturbation”?

Stella: From you.

Me: I don’t think so. It’s not that I mind the word. I just wonder where you learned it.

Stella: The dogs were passing it around at the vet’s office and the puppies brought it home the other week. You like long words. I figured that they heard it from you while you were showing off in front of the vet lady.

Me: Stella, I don’t show off in front of the vet. What would I show off? My ignorance? And why would I use a word like “perturbation” there?

Stella: Because we are bulldogs and we are perturbing?

Me: Oh, all right then, why has perturbation taken you over? What is the human craziness?

Stella: You switched Snoopey’s and Tiger’s crates without asking.

Me: Yes, Tiger’s crate is now by you where Snoopey’s used to be and Snoopey’s crate is where Tiger’s used to be. We don’t need to ask them. We are the humans, remember?

Stella: I don’t care that you didn’t ask them. I care that you didn’t ask me. How would you like to get a new neighbor all of a sudden and no one asked you first?

Me: New neighbors show up next to humans all the time and no one asks first. We are going to have a new neighbor soon and nobody asked us.

Stella: Who is this new neighbor of ours?

Me: I don’t know yet. They just bought the place. They haven’t moved in.

Stella: I think I don’t like that either. Are they dog people or…no! Are they cat people? No! No more cats. How could you let this happen?

Me: I don’t know if they are cat people. I don’t know anything about them. Back to this crate issue. We placed Tiger by you in the hope that you and she would start getting along better if you became crate neighbors for a while.

Stella: Why me? Tiger is always challenging Snoopey. Make them be crate neighbors.

Me: We may do that.

Stella: Why do you humans change things when they were going so well?

Me: A little change every once in a while is okay. Why don’t you just tell Tiger, “Howdy, Neighbor!” and let it be?

Stella: I am used to Snoopey.

Me: Snoopey is still here. And her crate is only across the room.

Stella: I am still filled with perturbation.

Me: As you said, you are a bulldog and pretty much always perturbed. But I understand. It takes effort to be a good neighbor to a new neighbor.

Stella: Pooh! She had better not pollute my airspace.

Me: If she does, just bury your nose in your bed until it passes.

“…Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Mark 12:31 KJV)

Stella’s Blog – No Barking at Breakfast

Posted on June 1, 2016June 1, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen (Yes, QUEEN) of the Olde English Bulldogges. Welcome once again to my blog. I like blogging because I have much to say on every subject, even subjects I know nothing about.

The sky has been crying a lot. Rain, the humans call it. But I am dry and comfortable. Why? Because I do not dance in the water like Miss Sweetie and Doodlebug. They are silly puppies and come back in the house painted with mud and who knows what else. I am dignified and all grown up and…oh, what’s that? The cat is running and I must catch her! Aaaagghh! I slid on the floor. Missed chance! Where was I? Ah, I am a dignified grown-up and I don’t do silly things.

Which is why I want to complain about barking at breakfast.

I like a nice, quiet morning. Breakfast comes after outdoor potty time (take note, Miss Sweetie – outdoor potty time. There is no official indoor potty time ever.) Lady Human calls our food time “The Hallelujah Breakfast Club” and she eats with us. Not the same food out of our bowls. I would not like that. Everybody, stay out of my bowl! I don’t want your dirty mouths in it. That goes double for Lady Human. I have no idea what humans eat or chew on. I don’t even want to think about it.

I have noted way too much loud bulldog talk during breakfast. Tiger is the biggest loudmouth. If I can wait patiently for my bowl to be filled, why can’t you,Tiger? And Doodlebug does not have to put his five pennies in either.

(Pause for consultation with transcriptionist)

Two cents. I have been informed that the human expression is two cents. Very well. Two cents. It sounded more like five to me.

The point is they have nothing to say and it is too early to be listening to loud noises. Barking should be used for emergencies only, such as strangers, hurry up bathroom runs, Moon the Cat, and singing the song of our people.

So please, everyone, dogs and people, keep the barking down in the mornings. The only sound that we should hear is bulldog mouths chomping our food. Humans may stay if they eat silently.

Thank you for your kind attention. That is all.

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Stella’s Blog – So Much Rudeness, So Little Time

Posted on May 20, 2016May 20, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello again! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Let me plunge right into my List of Offenders. I have not updated it for a while and, as a result, the list is longer this time. In order from least to most offensive:

Me – that’s right. Good ole Stella. I have been perfect this week – quiet, obedient, undemanding. I definitely deserve more treats than I have received. I will speak to Lady Human about that later.

Moon the Cat – I have to be honest. It hurts to admit it, but Moon the Cat was better behaved this week than any of the bulldogs, other than me, of course. The only thought that gives me comfort is that the situation will not last. Why? Because CAT!

Tiger – You silly thing, you are still challenging Snoopey, just not so often. I see you prancing…yes, prancing…past Snoopey, hoping to provoke her. And you are still barking at Lady Human when she is busy with mysterious human behavior. Tiger, be more considerate of Lady Human’s time. Hey, she wasn’t petting any of the rest of us either.

Snoopey – Please stop sticking your lower lip out in that pitiful way and making that high-pitched ruh-ruh-ruh whiny noise from your throat. We know what you’re up to, Attention-Grabber.

Squawker the Silkie Chicken – I know you are a chicken and your brain is not as big as mine, but PLEASE, if there is no emergency, STOP THE SQUAWKING! You are the only one doing it. How would you like it if I stood by your chicken run and barked and barked and barked all the live long day? Get the picture? I don’t mind if you ladies cluck quietly among yourselves, just keep it down.

WIGGLES! – If I were a human, I would scream. Wiggles, if it’s time to go in your crate, GO IN! Stop arguing about everything. Just because you are a bulldog, you don’t have to be bulldoggy all the time. It is unbecoming. But worse than that, when Lady Human turned her back, YOU PEED IN THE HALL…ON THE BEAN BAG CHAIR!!! That’s where we play with Lady Human! Hey, I like to sit on that chair myself. Well, I used to like it. Now I may not ever be able to make myself sit on it again. And why? You had just been outside for…I don’t know…I can’t tell time, but it was a long while. This is what comes of the humans always saying “Oh, what a sweet dog you are, Wiggles” and “Wiggles, what a good dog!” This will teach them. Peeing indoors is not “sweet” or “good”, Wiggles. If you absolutely have to pee, at least keep in off the furniture and on the floor.

As you can see, people, it was a difficult week to be the queen. Thank you for your kind attention.

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Stella’s Blog – Humans. Why?

Posted on May 16, 2016May 16, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, the Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. (Let’s wait a few moments to see if my transcriptionist will interrupt to say something like, “No, you’re not the queen” or “self-styled”. I don’t know what “self-styled” means, but I am sure that it is rude.)

Okay, no interruption so far. Please join me for MY blog. Today’s topic: Humans. Why?

I discussed a similar question with my blog post entitled “Why Did God Make Cats?”

The existence of humans is not nearly as confusing as the existence of cats. Actually, I still have no answer for why cats should exist. That one may be a long time in coming, but I believe the Creator will help me to understand someday. I am sure He had His reasons.

Humans are an easier question because they actually do stuff that helps dogs. (Can cats truthfully say that?)

Here’s a short list of how humans help us:

Food.

Treats.

Food.

Treats.

Did I mention food?

(Transcriptionist: Stella, you’re repeating yourself.)

Ah, our first interruption. MY BLOG, MY RULES. Where was I?

Treats.

What else?

Softy toys – Humans don’t really have to make them in the shape of pink and blue dogs and red lobsters. We are not fooled. We know that they are not real. People think we are stupid. Here’s a secret: We’re not the ones making pink and blue wiener dogs that don’t even have any wieners in them. Where are the wieners, humans?

Chew toys – Great for relaxing after a long day, though for many, many thousands of years, we dogs have provided our own chew toys in the form of sticks.

Soft beds – What a wonderful invention. Perfect for lazy dogs. And the humans can use them, if there is enough room.

Love – did I say that?

(Transcriptionist: Yes, you did, you sweet, smooshy- faced, old thing,)

Well, I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. And now you’ve gone and called me those mushy names. Please stop it. I just meant that the head pets are nice and the belly rubs. But stay away from that hugging business.

So do humans serve a purpose? The Great Creator must have thought so. (Of course, He made cats, too, and I still don’t understand that.)

They keep telling me that dog is man’s best friend. Maybe the humans are ours.

Smack Talk – Cat Style

Posted on May 2, 2016May 2, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Moon, our cat, is part Siamese with a beautiful gray coat and serene blue eyes. When she talks, her comments consist primarily of soft meows, sometimes in a long, repetitive string and sometimes just a quick, clipped sound that lets you know she could say something. She just doesn’t want to. Unlike the vocal majority, aka the bulldogs, she walks a quiet path.

So when she started scrunching up her face and meowing in an irritated tone at Snoopey, I was bewildered. Why this sudden change in behavior? She only does it when Snoopey barks or whines at me. Snoopey never chases the cat. Perhaps as pack leader of the bulldogs, she considers cat chasing undignified. But Snoopey does join in excited barking at the cat when Moon is running around the room.

Thus far, Moon has reserved this ugly talk just for Snoopey. Even though Stella is her greatest nemesis, she hasn’t thrown a single meow in her direction (at least not since the “meow to the face” event she pulled on each of the bulldogs while they were napping).

Watching the cat and listening to her, her attitude toward Snoopey seems to be “Oh, so you think you’re so tough! Look at my teeth. Sharp. And I am way quicker than any of you loud, rotund dogs. For all your stomping and trundling around, you’re not all that great! And stop yelling at the Lady. She’s not your servant! She’s my servant! So don’t go telling her what to do!

I know Moon is having a “conversation” with Snoopey about something, and from the look on Moon’s face, it is a sore subject.

I don’t find smack talk all the helpful. We all need to vent every now and then. Vents allow the dangerous build up of pressure to escape without damage. If we’re venting in someone’s direction though, we have to be sure that while we are not letting ourselves explode with pent up feelings, we don’t direct a harmful column of words into someone else’s face.

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (Ephesians 4:29 KJV)

Snoopey appears to be ignoring Moon’s cat diatribes. Moon showed her teeth again, wrinkled up her face and meowed. “Bulldogs, schmulldogs! You all look like a bunch of upside down vampires to me !”

Stella’s Blog – Things that Make Me Mad

Posted on April 29, 2016April 29, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I have a few complaints.

(Transcriptionist: As usual.)

Hey, this is my blog. Stick your opinions in your own. This brings me to the first thing that makes me mad – the opinions of others unless they agree with mine. The humans talk about voting all the time. I’m not sure what voting is, but it sounds like someone else’s opinion and, therefore, another thing that would make me mad.

From what the humans say, I perceive that voting means you can choose a thing or a person and someone else can choose differently, and if enough people choose differently from you, YOU LOSE!

I don’t like that. So yes, voting is on my list of things that make me mad. I am the queen; I get to choose.

No voting allowed!

But if we did allow voting in the house, we bulldogs would outnumber the cat. Hmmm. And we could vote her out. That is unless Wiggles voted with the cat just to be “nice”. And then there is Tiger. I have suspected for a long time that Tiger has a secret peace treaty with the cat. Oh, she barks at the cat and stirs the rest of us up, but never have I seen Tiger actually chase the cat. Hmmm.

Then the other day, I watched Snoopey as she walked right up to the cat while the cat hissed at her and made an ugly face (no, that was her regular face, sorry). And what did Snoopey do? She TURNED AROUND AND WALKED AWAY!

I may not be able to count on the bulldog vote after all. So it is certain. Voting is one thing that makes me mad.

(Transcriptionist: Besides, the humans hold the power to veto.)

Veto? That sounds suspicious, like something else that would make me mad.

And I haven’t even gotten to other maddening things that I put on my list – things like:

Moon the Cat
The rule against cat chasing
Limitation of treats to only a few times a day
Wiggles getting more reward treats than the rest of us

(Transcriptionist: Because she earns more than the rest of you.)

Enough for this time. I will go back to work on my mad list. I can’t do anymore now. I am just so…so…so mad!

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

[Transcriptionist’s note: Stella has gone to cool down and chew on her Nylabone. Meanwhile, we will close with this:

“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” (Ephesians 4:26 KJV)]

No Screeching, Please! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 28, 2016April 28, 2016 by H.J. Hill

The Olde English Bulldogge known as Stella has a bone to pick with me so we’ll begin our conversation:

Stella: Bone? Where’s a bone?

Me: There is no bone. That’s just a human expression.

Stella: Oh, as usual, humans playing jokes, trying to fool the poor old bulldogs. First dressing up as giant insects, now teasing us with non-existent bones.

Me: Let’s not get into that giant insect thing again. I had hoped that you had forgotten about that.

Stella: A giant insect does not fade from the memory.

Me: Obviously not.

Stella: I thought you had seen one and that is why you were screeching.

Me: Screeching? I haven’t screeched about anything. What are you talking about?

Stella: That horrible, high-pitched noise that was coming out of your mouth this morning. It hurt my ears so much; I wanted to cover them up.

Me: I haven’t been screeching, Stella. I don’t know what you are talking about….unless…I found an old songbook that I had when I was little and I was singing out of it.

Stella: Is a songbook one of those dead flat things that you hold on your lap and stare at and it causes you to pay no attention to us?

Me: Well, yes, that or a regular book or a cell phone or a computer…

Stella: Just because you found an old, dead songbook that you had when you were a puppy is no reason to screech in our ears over it.

Me: Did my singing bother the others, too?

Stella: Who cares? It bothered me.

Me: I am sorry. I do enjoy singing sometimes.

Stella: I enjoy chewing on a good stick sometimes, but I don’t pretend to be one of those humans who…Awwwww, you know, they take sticks and build boxes and stuff.

Me: A carpenter? A craftsman?

Stella: Yeah, those, I guess.

Me: I don’t pretend to be a singer. And as for screechy noises, how about that voice you use that is so high-pitched and ear-splitting.

Stella: You mean the Cat Chasing Song of my people.

Me: Is that what you call it? It’s a bulldog song?

Stella: It tells the bulldogs within ear range that there’s a cat afoot and it’s time to play.

Me: So why are you allowed to sing all screechy and I am not?

Stella: My song serves a purpose; yours, not so much.

Me: Maybe we should both agree to cover our ears when the other one is “singing”.

Stella: Or we can agree that you will sing silently in your head or buy a good recording of your songs. My song must be sung live and aloud. It is a treasured bulldog tradition.

Me: Is that why you keep “singing” when I ask you to stop?

Stella: You wouldn’t want to interfere with a tradition, would you?

I Demand to Speak to a Manager – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 26, 2016April 26, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella, our opinionated Olde English Bulldogge, has a complaint she wishes to air. So let’s begin the conversation:

Me: Hi, Stella! What’s the problem?

Stella: Are you the one in command here? Because I only want to talk to the one in command.

Me: Well, no bulldog, or cat for that matter, is in command that’s for sure. And “command” is not the best word. This is our home. It is not the army. The humans are in charge here. Why would you doubt that?

Stella: Because first Snoopey and then Tiger each told me that they are in command. And because Wiggles is always disobeying and doing whatever she wants and she gets by with it because “she is so sweet” and “the sweetest dog ever”. Yuck! What gushy nonsense! Humans are supposed to be smart. How can you fall for that act?

Me: Wiggles is super sweet. She dances in her comma shape and only wants head pets and neck rubs and the occasional treat.

Stella: Aagghh! The occasional treat! I think you’ve lost count. But really, IS ANYONE IN CHARGE HERE?

Me: We humans are. Why?

Stella: Everything is so chaotic. Nobody is listening. Nobody obeys the rules.

Me: Nobody? Not even you?

Stella: Me? Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. What was the question?

Me: You want to know if anyone is in charge. You say that no one obeys the rules. Do you obey the rules?

Stella: Me? Yes. Well, sometimes. Hmmm. I’m not really clear on what the rules are.

Me: How about one rule? Is there a rule against chasing the cat?

Stella: And that’s all the time we have for our conversation today, people…

Me: Nope. We have plenty of time.

Stella: But I don’t like that no-cat-chasing rule.

Me: Not the point.

Stella: Awwww!

Me: I understand. Humans have rules set for us, too, and some of them I flat don’t like.

Stella: So you ignore them.

Me: No. If they are silly or useless, I may try to get them changed. But some rules are set by God and wisdom tells me that they are good and for my safety and they won’t change. God is God and I am not.

Stella: Is the no-cat-chasing rule one of God’s rules?

Me: I wish I could say it is, but no. It’s one of our rules.

Stella: So about these changeable rules, how do I go about working on that?

Me: Write your legislator, but I don’t think you’ll get far with that. Bulldogs can’t vote.

Stella’s Blog – Hello, Cat! Where Are You?

Posted on April 22, 2016April 22, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello. I am Stella. I am an Olde English Bulldogge. In fact, I am their Queen. No one elected me. No committee selected me. I selected me.

It was hard sitting around the first two years of my life while no human understood who I really am. During that time, I was not accorded the honors due me as Queen. That was not the fault of my old humans per se. They were ignorant. I wasn’t wearing a crown.

When I came to my new home with my new humans, I made my status clear from the beginning. Once, Tall Man invited me to stay in a dome-shaped house in the backyard. Are you kidding me? There was no television. There was no cat to chase. Did that really look like the palace of a queen? I put on my best “We are not amused” sad face and succeeded in putting a quick end to that nonsense. Tall Man brought back into my main house right away.

I am Queen Stella. Treat me like a queen and give me treats and we will get along fine. Let me say it again. Give me treats!

I have been blogging more lately because I have a lot to say. Humans never stop talking so I figure neither should I. Bulldogs do not exercise their free speech rights often enough.

Anyone who has been around us for long has seen it. Other dogs are barking and the good old bulldog is just sitting there, slump shouldered, panting, maybe burping a little bit (it happens), but otherwise quiet, not saying anything. Every once in a while, we might blow out a lip ruffle simply to let the humans know that we don’t approve of what’s going on. We disapprove of much so the classic bulldog lip ruffle comes in handy.

Which leads me to my List of Offenders which has only two names on it this time:

Lady Human and Moon the Cat

Lady Human disagrees with me and says humans do not belong on the List of Offenders and I say oh, yes, they do! This time Lady Human seems to be in cahoots with Moon the Cat. I have been looking for the cat in order to chase her and I can’t ever seem to find her. When I ask Lady Human where she is, Lady just smiles and says, “Oh, she’s around.” And then she adds something ridiculous like, “You shouldn’t chase the cat.”

Oh, yes, I should! Do you know what Moon the Cat was doing the past few days? She walked up to each of us bulldogs DURING NAPTIME and meowed right in our faces. Incredibly rude! And I hear new noises sometimes coming from above my head, coming from places I can’t see because I’m not tall enough (bulldog, remember?). I suspect that Moon has new high perches to hide on and spy down on us.

Lady Human thinks it’s funny now, but how funny will it be when the cat pounces down on her from the new high spot. And why does a cat have a perch anyway? She’s not a bird!

But no one listens to me. [deep bulldog sigh] I am only the Queen.

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

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