Bulldoggy

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Wiggles is yelling!

Me: Yeah, I heard that. I don’t know why.

Wiggles: Someone’s cooking eggs.

Me: That would be me because y’all aren’t allowed to use the stove.

Wiggles: EGGS ARE COOKING!

Me: I am well aware of that.

Wiggles: Let me into the cooking room. I want to smell my eggs.

Me: Who said they were for you?

Wiggles: Eggs are always for me.

Me: I only have two, so…

Wiggles: So you will give me those and go ask the chickens to lay yours. They should have done that anyway.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!

Wiggles:  Me, too! Me, too! Me, too!

Me: Hold your horses.

Stella: No! No crackers for horses!

Wiggles:  Let them get their own!

Me: I mean that you have already had your crackers. No more crackers tonight. Cracker happy hour is over.

Stella:  How can it be ‘happy’ if it comes to an end?

Wiggles: How can it be ‘happy hour’ if it’s so short?

Me:  Well, it is over. Once the cracker allotment is eaten, that’s it.

Stella: We’ll have to eat more slowly in the future. But then…what about your cracker allotment, Lady Human? That might give us a few more seconds, right?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Time to go out.

Stella: I shall proceed to my special rain spot.

Me: Oh, all right. Wiggles! Sweetie!

Wiggles: Nope.

Miss Sweetie: Double nope!

Me: Come on, y’all. Before the rain starts in earnest again.

Doodlebug: Are we in Earnest?

Me: No, earnest means…

Doodlebug: Then why do we care about Earnest?

Me: Go…outside…NOW!

Stella: She’s using her outdoor voice.

Wiggles: And that ugly NOW word. She has been using that more and more.

Me: Look. It is not raining right this minute, but that could change. Don’t balk. Use the opportunity.

Miss Sweetie: I’ll just go inside.

Me: No, you most assuredly won’t.

Miss Sweetie: It’s no big deal. You’ll just clean it up.

Stella: Good point. Cancel my special rain spot appointment.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Can I use your special chair, Lady Human?

Me: The proper question is ‘May I use your special chair?’

Stella: No, because I don’t have a special chair, but you do.

Me: What are you talking about?

Stella: That special chair in the tiny room where you always close the door like it’s a secret.

Me: The toilet? I close the door to gain a little privacy, but that never seems to work. And no, you may not use it and, actually, you can’t use it.

Stella: How come?

Me: It would require a great deal of balance that you do not possess. Sorry. I have heard of cats that have been trained for it, but never a bulldog. You’ll be happier just continuing to go outside.

Stella: Can you make a special chair for me?

Me: That is not in my current plans.

Stella: You could set it outside. It could be my throne. Every queen needs a throne. Why are you laughing?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bored!

Me: Sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?

Stella: Yes, Lady Human. Be more interesting.

BOOM!

Stella: WHAT WAS THAT?

Me: Thunder.

Stella: Scale it back! I didn’t mean that interesting!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I smell something.

Wiggles:  Peanut butter! Mine!

Me:  I just now opened the jar. Give me a minute.

Wiggles:  I am patient. I will wait. Mine!

Me:  Here you go, Wiggles.

Wiggles: What’s wrong with it?

Me:  Nothing. It’s good peanut butter.

Wiggles:  What is it hiding? Why is the lump of peanut butter so big?

Me:  Just try it.

Wiggles:  Oh, okay. Give it here. I can’t resist. Mmmm. Chewy.

Stella:  It was a trap. What did you sneak in there, Lady Human?

Me:  A flea preventative treatment.

Wiggles:  Well, it’s a shame to ruin a good glob of peanut butter, but I don’t favor fleas. So I’ll let you get by with it this once.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have the perfect pillow. It is soft and squishy and just the right size for my big old bulldog head.

Me: Stella? What’s going on?

Stella:  Nothing, Lady Human. Go back to sleep.

Me:  Is that your head on my stomach?

Stella:  Yep. Feel free to pet it. My head, that is.

Me:  Okay. Good night.

Stella:  As I was saying, I have the perfect pillow, but you will not find it in any human store. My pillow belongs to Lady Human and me only. It is an exclusive. You will have to get your own. Good night.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Lady Human!

Me: Coming!

Stella: Faster!

Me: What’s the problem?

Stella: MoonCat is barking and won’t stop.

MoonCat:  Meow!

Me: Cats don’t bark.

Stella: You are right. If they did, they would make sense. What is her problem?

MoonCat:  Meow. Meow.

Me:  Oh, there’s a blank space in the bottom of her food bowl and she can’t stand that.

Stella:  Why doesn’t she just eat what’s still in there?

Me:  I don’t know. She doesn’t like empty spots in her food bowl, no matter how much food is still piled up around the sides.

Stella:  Proves my point. She’ll never make a good bulldog. Blank spaces in our food bowls are the signs of meals well eaten. Hey, MoonCat! Clean your plate!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Excuse me, Lady Human!

Me:  Hey! Watch out!

Stella:  What’s the problem? I said, ‘Excuse me.’

Me:  You’re using your bowling bowl body to knock into me.

Stella:  Excuse me. Coming through.

Me:  Whoa!

Stella:  Lady Human, you are taller than me and bigger than me. My bowling ball weight is my only advantage when I need to get past you.

Me:  So you just throw your weight around because you can.

Stella:  Whatever works. Use what you’ve got. And by the way…

Me:  What?

Stella:  Excuse me. Here I come again,

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s in your hand, Lady Human?

Me:  A snack for Sweetie.

Stella:  Because you want her to do what?

Me:  I’m just being nice.

Stella:  You’re not being “nice” to me. It’s a bribe, isn’t it?

Me:  Well…

Stella:  Don’t feel guilty. Admit it.

Me:  Bribery is not a human virtue.

Stella:  Because humans use it wrong. I’ve heard you all talk. You use it to get somebody to do something they ought not do or to do something they ought to do but aren’t.

Me:  If I’m trying to get Sweetie to cut her sunbath short because it’s too hot, isn’t that the same thing?

Stella:  Of course not. To a dog, bribery is not a bad thing at all. In fact, keep it coming. I’d like to see more of it.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Therefore…

Me:  Therefore what?

Stella:  Where’s my bribe so I will stop talking about this?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STELLA!

Stella: Me? Today?

Me:  Yep!

Stella: Yay, me! So what are you doing special for me today? Cake?

Me:  No, you know we hardly ever do cake here.

Stella:  Special food!

Me:  Well, maybe some peanut butter crackers.

Stella:  But I get those every night. That’s not birthday special, Lady Human!

Me:  How about a special rendition of the birthday song?

Stella:  With an orchestra of humans?

Me:  No, just me singing really loudly.

Stella:  I thought this was supposed to be enjoyable. That sounds painful.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. No! Absolutely not! I will not go in there! Why have you brought me here? Turn this car around! We’re going home!

Me:  Stella, this nice lady is going to walk in that building with us. You are going to get your shots and e are going to go home. All right?

Stella:  No! Not all right!

Me:  Here. Have a cheese cracker!

Stella:  No! Yuck! How stupid do you think I am?

Me: Well, I can’t believe she turned that down.

Strange Lady:  I’ll carry her out of the car.

Stella:  What’s happening?

Me: We won’t be here long.

Stella:  You’d better believe I won’t be here long! You stay if you want to, Lady Human! I’m pointing my stubby bulldog nose at that door, and I am through it the minute it opens.

Fifteen minutes later

Me:  All right. After that excessive display of stubbornness and petulance, we are back in the car and ready to go home. And what good did all that do? The vet still looked you over and gave you your shots and now she thinks that you hate her.

Stella: Excellent! Nobody should ever take a bulldog’s good will for granted. Now she knows who she’s dealing with.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I’ve been thinking.

Me: Uh-oh.

Stella: I look like a bulldog.

Me:  Yep.

Stella: And Wiggles looks like a bulldog.

Me:  Yup.

Stella:  And Sweetie really, really looks like a bulldog.

Me:  That’s for sure.

Stella:  And Doodlebug looks like…well, a doodlebug.

Me:  That’s how he got his name.

Stella:  But Doodlebug is NOT a doodlebug.

Me:  Nope.

Stella:  So you can still be family even if you don’t look like your family.

Me:  Yes, but regarding Doodlebug, he still looks like a bulldog so…

Stella:  Don’t confuse me, Lady Human. Doodlebug can’t be a bulldog and a doodlebug at the same time.

Me:  Just because somebody’s got a different look or a different name, doesn’t mean they aren’t family.

Stella:  Okay, Lady Human, I guess that means you can be our family, too, even though you look mighty peculiar.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Stella, cut that out! You know I don’t like you licking on my legs.

Stella: Hold still. It won’t take long.

Me:  No. And why do you do that anyway?

Stella: To see what you taste like.

Me:  What? Like I’m food?

Stella:  You taste like salt. But only after you’ve been outside in the heat. And not after you wash off. So I’ve got to do this taste test quick. Otherwise, you’ll have the flavor of plain old tasteless human again.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! What is going on? Is there an emergency? Should we start barking?

Me:  No, please don’t!

Stella:  There is a bright light. Is the sky on fire again?

Me:  No, everything is calm.

Stella:  Then why are you awake and, more importantly, why am I awake?

Me:  I’m just playing a game on my phone. I’m a little wakeful.

Stella:  Should I lick your face?

Me:  No, that will not make me sleepy. Quite the opposite.

Stella:  Should I stare at you without blinking?

Me:  That won’t help either.

Stella:  I know what to do. I will pound you with my paw until you put your black hand box down. That will work.

Me:  Oh, all right.

Stella:  Works every time. Now GO TO SLEEP!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is time for my occasional review of the hotel staff where we reside.

Me:  Once again, this is not a hotel. This is our home. And we are not your hotel staff.

Stella:  You could have fooled me. I give an overall score of two stars out of…wait, one, two, three, four, five…out of five stars. I had to count toes to make sure.

Me:  We only get two stars?

Stella:  I am being generous. For example, lunch and supper were late today, but I gave you two stars since you did remember.

Me:  Both lunch and supper were on time.

Stella:  Not according to my stomach clock. And Doodlebug had to wake you up this morning or you would have slept through breakfast.

Me:  He does that every morning. I wait for him. And you did sleep through breakfast.

Stella:  I prefer a late breakfast. The customer is always right.

Me:  Again, this is not a hotel. You are not a customer.

Stella:  With that attitude, you will never earn your third star. Too bad.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill  All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It’s a forest, Lady Human. Our wonderful bulldog land has turned into a forest.

Me:  Bulldog land? You mean our yard?

Stella:  What else could I mean?

Me:  Of course. Sorry. The lamb’s quarter has been prolific this year.

Stella:  Does ‘prolific’ mean ‘taken over’?

Me:  Well, temporarily. But…

Stella:  But I could get lost out there. It is crowding our paths and shadowing the ground.

Me:  Think of it as shade in the summer heat.

Stella:  No. What are you going to do about it?

Me:  Right now, nothing. The lamb’s quarter can be edible. And it’s not a bad thing to have another food source.

Stella:  Food for us?

.Me:  It’s like a giant garden salad. But precautions have to be taken. And I don’t know about you all.

Stella: Nope. You forgot who you were talking to. We are bulldogs. We don’t do green food.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  I am owed another cracker.

Me:  I don’t think so.

Stella:  How many crackers do you need?

Wiggles:  All of them.

Stella:  Then there won’t be any for me. No fair.

Me:  Think, Wiggles. You got one when you came in my room to go to bed.

Wiggles:  One.

Me:  You got a second one when you got into your bed.

Wiggles:  Two.

Me:  And when Stella came in, you got a third one.

Wiggles:  Three.

Stella:  Hey, wait! I got one when I came in and then I got one more. I’m the one who is owed another cracker. I can count to three.

Me:  Oh, all right. I was saving this last one for myself. But since it’s important to you, here you go.

Stella:  So you won’t get one, Lady Human.

Me:  Not tonight.

Stella:  But I got three and Wiggles got three. That seems fair. All right.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are those noises, Lady Human, and you don’t have to tell me. I know the humans are doing something loud again.

Me:  Those are just some firecrackers somebody nearby is shooting off.

Stella:  Fire crackers?

Me:  Yeah, not the big ones.

Stella:  Why would anybody shoot a cracker? What a waste! I will take them. Do they taste good?

Me:  They are called firecrackers because of the sound they make. They are not your type of cracker.

Stella:  Aren’t they made with cheese?

Me:  No, they’re made with explosives. In other words, they blow up.

Stella:  Why are humans always blowing things up?

Me:  I have no real idea.

Stella:  Well, y’all better leave my type of crackers alone.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.