Bulldoggy

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Where is Wiggles? 

Stella:  Why do you want to know?

Me:  Wiggles! Wiggles! I heard muffled barking when I was unloading groceries. But the barking has stopped. I know we didn’t leave her in the yard. Wiggles!

Miss Sweetie:  I am simply sitting and staring.

Doodlebug:  Me, too.

Me:  Wiggles!

Stella:  Tall Man is home. Maybe he can help.

Me:  I can’t find Wiggles.

Tall Man:  I’ll search outside.

Me:  I’ve run all through the house. I’ll get in the car and drive around. How could she have gotten out? If she would just bark again…wait.

Stella:  Now you’re thinking.

Me:  Can’t possibly be…

Stella:  Sure it is.

Me:  Wiggles, how did you get back there?

• 

Wiggles:  It wasn’t all that hard for someone determined.

Me:  I don’t believe it. I put up a wall and all kinds of obstacles to keep you out of the cat box area. How did you…There is that plastic wall, a bookcase, a piano bench. The cat carrier, a stack of cardboard boxes…

Tall Man:  She must have moved the plastic wall.

Wiggles:  I’m not revealing my secret.

Tall Man:  Well, here is another heavy wooden box for a block.

Me:  And couldn’t one of you all have given me a hint where she was?

Stella:  Are we Wiggles’ keeper?

Wiggles:  I barked because I got trapped and because there were no more cat snacks.

Me:  Gross! Nasty!

Wiggles:  There are wonderful treats the cat hides back there. Why do you all make them so hard to reach?

Me:  Because they are not good for you! And I thought you were lost.

Wiggles:  I’m sorry, Lady Human. That you were worried about me, not about raiding the cat box treats.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have a problem, Lady Human, and I need your help.

Me:  Okay, shoot.

Stella:  Why would I shoot a problem? Isn’t that how you humans get in trouble? I don’t need more trouble, ma’am.

Me:  I didn’t mean you should shoot literally. I meant…oh, never mind. What’s your problem?

Stella:  Wiggles is weird, and I don’t like it.

• 

Me:  Please be more specific.

Stella:  She has made yet another bed when she already has three. And where has she done this, you ask.

Me:  I didn’t but go ahead.

Stella:  On the kitchen floor. And what has she used, you ask.

Me:  Once again…

Stella:  She has taken all of your plastic bags and made a pile and is sleeping on them.

Me:  Not the first time, but I will take care of it.

Stella:  No, don’t do that! She’s sleeping.

Me:  But you are acting like it bothers you.

Stella:  It does.

Me:  And you don’t like it.

Stella:  I don’t.

Me:  Then…

Stella:  No one should have their sleep disturbed just because their bed is weird and in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Grum…grum…berrr…grum…grum…grum…

Me:  Okay. I hear. What is all this grumbling about?

Stella:  What grumbling?

Me:  Stella, the sounds emanating from your throat! That grumbling!

Stella: Oh, that? It is merely what you humans prize so much and yet so often deny to bulldogs. Self-expression. It is me being me. Grum…grum…berrr…grum…

Me:  Well, it makes me think that you are demanding something, and I don’t know what it is.

Stella:  What It is? “What they are” is more like. Get some paper and one of those pointy scratching sticks. It’s time to make a list.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.   

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where are you going, Lady Human? It’s bedtime.

Me:  I’ve got to put some things away.

Stella:  Too late. Stay!

Me:  I set my own schedule.

Stella:  Nope. Nighttime. Stay!

Me:   Are you telling me to stay? I think you’ve got that turned around. I tell you to stay.

Stella: This leg of mine says otherwise.

Me:  Stella…move your leg.

Stella: I will.

Me:  When?

Stella:  When you stay. Or when I fall fast asleep. Whichever comes first. So…snore…

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Another rule of the house…

Wiggles:  No more rules! No more rules!

Doodlebug:  Yeah, we have enough rules already!

Miss Sweetie:  Yeah, what they said! Me, too!

Stella:  I know why you don’t want to hear this rule, Wiggles! You’re the big offender. NO RAIDING THE CAT LITTER BOX. There! I said it out loud. Nasty, nasty Wiggles.

Wiggles:  It’s a bad habit I have just formed. I admit it.

Stella:  Well, it’s a habit to break and you’ll have to now anyway. Lady Human has secured it so don’t even think about it.

Wiggles:  Awwww.

Stella:  I’m glad she did. I have a rule of my own. No more potty mouths.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The air smells wonderful.

Wiggles:  The humans are celebrating one of their special days. And that means…

Doodlebug:  MEAT!!!

Miss Sweetie:  MEAT COOKED OUTSIDE WITH SMOKE AND SPICES!!!

Stella: Lady Human, what meat day is today?

Me:  Thanksgiving Day.

Stella:  We give thanks to the Great Creator for meat.

Wiggles:  And we give thanks for the wonderfully scented air.

Doodlebug:  And we give thanks for Tall Man who knows how to cook over fire coals.

Miss Sweetie:  And we give thanks for…

Stella:  What, Sweetie? What do we give thanks for?

Miss Sweetie:  I can’t…There aren’t just a few…I don’t know where… to start…or stop…We give thanks for everything all the time. There. I said it. And I’m not taking it back.

Stella:  That’s okay, Sweetie. Let’s keep that right where it is.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What was all that hubbub last night with Squawky the Squawker Chicken squawking and Tall Man stomping around with that light attached to his forehead.

Me:  His headlamp.

Stella: I don’t know what it’s called, but it was on his head and it was bright.

Me:  He was scooting something out of the henhouse. I’m not sure you want to know any more than that.

Stella:  I’m the queen. I should be told.

Me:  I didn’t notice any of you bulldogs getting up to check it out.

Stella:  We were tired. There was that loud, bang boom storm and how can we sleep through something like that and then Squawky was making her big voice noise and…wait…Squawky never squawks after dark.

Me:  That’s right.

Stella:  And Tall Man was scooting something out of the henhouse with a bright light stuck to his head.

Me:  Yep.

Stella:  And that thing was…NOOOOO! A POSSUM!!! NOOOOO! Where is it? Where did it go? Is it in the house?

Me:  No.

Stella:  How do you know it’s not in here with us? Oh, the horror! The horror!

Me:  It’s gone. It is not in the house. And it’s not in the henhouse anymore. And none of the chickens were hurt.

Stella:  This cannot go on, Lady Human! You humans must make one of those laws you all are so fond of, this time against possums.

Me:  Yeah, well, it usually doesn’t work that way. The storm probably stirred that one up. Or it got scared by a coyote.

Stella:  OOOOO! Don’t even get me started on coyotes. They think they’re so smart. What if the possum comes back?

Me:  We’ll deal with that if the time comes. Do you want me to wake you next time so you can do the scooting?

Stella:  Lady Human! How dare you suggest such a thing?  How could I deprive Tall Man of the scooting pleasure?

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.   

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This next rule…

Doodlebug:  No!

Wiggles:  No, no, no!

Miss Sweetie:  Go on! Rules are fun. I don’t know what they are, but they make me laugh.

Stella:  Don’t stick your head in the big cold box in the kitchen. The humans are sensitive about all the stuff they have in there and they think our noses and drool mess up their food.

Wiggles:  This is the most selfish rule yet!

• 

Stella:  Is that because your big old face is the one that pushes its way in there most often?

Wiggles:  Well, it does smell interesting. And it makes a cool breeze. And they keep treasure in it.

Doodlebug:  What treasure?

Wiggles:  Eggs. Shhh! Don’t tell them that I know. I don’t want them to take the eggs away. Every once in a long while, an egg will jump out and I can capture it.

Stella:  You mean you gobble it up.

Wiggles:  Same difference.

Stella:  But a rule is a rule.

Wiggles:  Awwww.

Stella:  Shhhh! Snatch all the stray eggs you can. Just keep your big ole bulldog face out of the ice box.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Come to order!

Wiggles:  Never.

• 

Doodlebug:  Nope.

Miss Sweetie:  Okay, I will have a hamburger. Fries, eggs, pizza, and…

Stella:  Not that kind of order, Sweetie. The kind where you sit quietly and listen to me.

Wiggles:  Never.

Doodlebug:  Nope.

• 

Miss Sweetie:  Hmmm, maybe?

• 

Stella:  Hey, this rule is a good one. When entering and exiting, don’t crowd the door. Bunching up means nobody can get through. And I should always go first.

Wiggles: Hey, you sneaked that part in. You don’t go first. The first to get there goes first.

Stella:  I am the Queen. That makes me first.

Doodlebug:  My legs are longer and faster than yours, so guess what? I’m first. See ya!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am reviewing the house rules with the pack. Some have been ignoring them.

Miss Sweetie:  Me? Me? Say it was me!

Stella:  Yes, it was you, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:  Yay me!

Stella:  NO GOING POTTY IN THE HOUSE! Did everyone hear that one?

Miss Sweetie:  Awwww.

Doodlebug:  Awwww. I like to keep my options open.

Wiggles:  This rule I actually agree with. Take it outside, y’all.

Stella:  I agree with it, too, but it irks me that the humans don’t abide by it. Just one more example of humans treating themselves better than everybody else. They can’t hide from us what they do in those special little rooms with the huge water bowls. No potty in the house indeed!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am extremely frustrated. Lady Human, turn off the Picture Box. You know I don’t like it. I am tired and ready to go to bed.

Me:  You used to like the television a whole lot. You just haven’t liked it since I moved it in here. Come on in! It won’t hurt you.

Stella:  I don’t want to see ridiculous humans right in my face.

Me:  I’ll be finished in a few minutes. Come on in. It’s fine.

Stella:  If I say it is not fine, it is not fine.

Me:  Sorry, you were the one who came back here early tonight. I will turn it off in a bit.

Stella:  Do you misunderstand my bulldog tone of voice? My grumpy, huffy, puffing voice?

Me:  No, I recognize it just fine. I’m just being the human right now.

Stella:  Another reason humans should not be in charge of anything.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has been bringing the house rules up again so we need to go over them again.

Wiggles:  No.

Doodlebug:  No.

Miss Sweetie:  We have rules?

Stella:  First rule – keep the barking down to a bare minimum.

Wiggles:  No.

Doodlebug:  No.

Miss Sweetie:  I can’t help it. The barks just come popping out.

Stella:  I believe this to be a violation of our free speech rights.

Wiggles:  Yeah, the humans are always yelling about their rights to speak. What about our rights?

Doodlebug:  Bulldog rights! Bulldog rights! Bulldog rights!

Stella:  Hush, Doodle! No barking! You sound like a human!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is that horrible noise in the sky? Look! A big shiny bird! Help it, Lady Human! It must be in pain to make such an ugly loud noise!

Me:  That’s just a plane. It’s coming in for a landing.

Stella:  It is landing here? No! It is too big! Shoo it away!

Me:  It is not landing here. It will land nearby. It is an airplane.

Stella:  Why did the Great Creator make big, shiny, loud birds?

Me:  Humans made big, shiny birds…correction, airplanes. The Great Creator’s birds are graceful and soft and lovely and colorful.

Stella:  Then why would humans make a big loud bird?

Me:  So we could fly in it.

Stella:  Foolishness.  Just like humans to make some loud thing so they can pretend to be something they are not.

Me:  I recall that you used to dream of flying so you could chase squirrels.

Stella:  That was long ago. I no longer dream that dream. Look at me. Imagine if I tried to land myself in our yard. Too horrible to consider. Now I am happy to keep my four feet on the ground and let the squirrels come to me.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Run! Monsters! Flying Monsters! Save yourselves! Save me, too!

Me:  It’s alright, Stella!

Stella:  Save the tiny human!

Me:  She seems to be doing okay.

Stella:  Have all the humans lost their minds!

Me:  Stella, calm down. I know you don’t like the TV anymore. Just wait over by the door. We’ll be finished in a few minutes.

Stella:  Do you mean those monsters are just on the Picture Box?

Me:  Yup. It’s a video game. We are battling dinosaurs and we are doing very well at it.

Stella:  Humans made a game with monsters? You think that is fun?

Me:  Ummm, well, yeah.

Stella:  Who can ever comprehend the human mind?

Me:  That’s quite a philosophical question for a bulldog.

Stella:  Bulldogs are straight thinkers. We don’t like monsters; therefore, we don’t make them up so we can shoot them with little lights. Please learn from us, Lady Human.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where are you going with MoonCat? What’s wrong?

Me:  Nothing. Just vaccine time. You look all worried, Stella.

Stella:  What? Why would I look worried about a cat? So… she’s all right?

Me:  This is a routine vet visit.

Stella:  The vet! NOOOO!!! She must be so scared!

Me:  I put a big, folded towel in her carrier, so she’ll feel more at home.

Stella:  She may be a cat, but she is not that dumb, Lady Human.

Me:  Well, we’re going now.

Stella:  Wait! Are you going to bring her back?

Me:  Are you concerned that she won’t come back?

Stella:  Well, I’m just kind of used to having her around, you know, to chase and other such bulldog pursuits. You can’t chase a cat that’s not here. So…

Me:  That’s sweet, Stella. You love MoonCat.

Stella:  Don’t go overboard there, Lady Human.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved, 

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human call those humans with flashing lights on their rolling boxes. Someone has taken away our forest.

Wiggles:  Yes, the tall weeds are gone.

Doodlebug:  The yard is so empty. Make them bring the tall, skinny plants back!

Miss Sweetie:  Once again, I can run free and see where I am going. Yay!

Me:  No need to call the law. Nothing has been stolen. I have been cutting our lamb’s quarter jungle down bit by bit and now the progress is showing.

Stella:  When will you bring it back?

Me:  Well, I won’t. All those plants are annuals. They die out each year.

Wiggles:  How will we hide from each other?

Me:  I guess you’ll have to wait for next spring to see if they come back.

Stella:  Not good enough. We had a perfectly good forest and it died out?

Me:  It was not a real forest.

Stella:  It looked like one to us.

Me:  When you’re as close to the ground as you all are, I can see how that mistake can be made.

Stella:  Are you calling us stupid or stumpy?

Me:  I am calling you bulldogs.

Stella:  Nice save, Lady Human.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. EXCUSE ME, LADY HUMAN!

Me:  What?

Stella:  Move aside.

Me:  Move aside what?

Stella:  Move aside out of my way. I’m coming through.

Me:  All right, Prancey.

Stella:  Who are you calling Prancey?

Me:  You, Miss Horsey.

Stella:  I am not a horse. I am a beautiful bulldog.

Me:  That doesn’t stop you from acting horsey.

Stella:  So…acting horsey is the same as acting bulldoggy? Thank you, Lady Human. At first I thought you were trying to insult me.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved,

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Play with me, Lady Human.

Me:  In a little while.

Stella:  No! Now!

Me:  Not right this minute.

Stella:  How demanding do you want me to be?

Me:  Not at all. If you haven’t noticed, I am babysitting.

Stella:  I noticed. That is why I am being ignored.

Me:  Here’s an idea. Lie down and roll onto your back.

Stella:  What? And expose my tummy to a little human? You know how they are!

Me:  Come on. I’ll be here.

Stella:  Oh, all right. For just a second. Then I’ll get up…and…say! That feels nice. Her hands are so soft and tickly.

Me:  Enough attention?

Stella:  Yeah. Just a little more over there. Yeah. That’s fine. Lady Human, you should babysit more often.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved. 

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Doodlebug! Quiet down!

Me:  I second that motion!

Doodlebug:  WHAT‘S THE MATTER?

• 

Me:  You are talking too loud.

Doodlebug:  HOW LOUD IS TOO LOUD?

Stella:  About like that right there.

Me:  If you need something, use your indoor voice. I can hear you just fine.

Doodlebug:  YOU MEAN…

Me:  Lower…

Doodlebug:  LIKE…

Stella:  Quieter…

Doodlebug:  Like this…whisper…whisper…whisper…

Stella:  Quieter…

Doodlebug:  If I get quieter, you won’t hear me at all.

Stella:  Yes, exactly! Do that!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.   

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. You are being sneaky again, Lady Human. You must know that our noses are smarter than your brains are.

Me:  I don’t know that at all.

Stella:  What do you have in the bag?

Me:  Leftovers.

Stella:  That’s interesting. Give me the bag.

Me:  That’s a little demanding of you.

Stella:  What’s the surprise? Look at me. Bulldog. Give me the bag.

Me:  I don’t think so.

Stella:  I’ll stand right here…

Me:  You can stand there all night. You are not getting these leftovers. It’s Tex-Mex. Too spicy for you. You will thank me later.

Stella:  I doubt that. Clear your food choices with me before you go out again. That Tex-Mex stuff is off the list from now on.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.