It’s me! Stella the Olde English…Oh, I don’t have time to explain all that!! This is an alert! I can barely stop barking long enough to post this! Everybody, watch out!
THERE IS A MONSTER IN THE BACKYARD!
If you are in the backyard, it is probably too late for you! If you are a bird in the trees, fly away and warn others! If you are a squirrel, climb the nearest tree and jump over the fence! Forget about saving your precious pecans and acorns! Save yourselves! If the monster gets you, I won’t be able to chase you later. If you are a trespassing cat…well, go ahead and hang around and let’s see what happens. No, on second thought, RUN!
The monster walks on two legs like a human. It is wearing dark material like a human, probably so that it can blend into the shadows and hide, and then SPRING OUT at us when we go out to use the bathroom or sniff around and sun ourselves.
The worst part is its head. It has large bubble eyes and a mouth that looks like a bug’s face. It is ugly even by bulldog standards.
Now it has the Tall Man’s loud machine that chops the grass down! Where is the Tall Man when we need him? A monster is pushing a machine around our yard and no one is stopping it. We are all barking our heads off, but Lady Human is just sitting here saying, “It’s all right.”
NO, IT IS NOT ALL RIGHT, LADY HUMAN! THERE IS A MONSTER IN OUR YARD! NONE OF US IS GOING OUT THERE TO PEE OR POOP UNTIL THE MONSTER IS GONE! And you know what will happen if we don’t go out. YOU DON’T WANT THAT! NONE OF US DO!
TOO LATE! THE MONSTER IS COMING TO THE DOOR. IT IS COMING INTO THE HOUSE!
HORROR! It is reaching up and taking its face off! I can’t look. Yes, I can because I can’t bark with my eyes closed. It is…the Tall Man. It is not a monster after all. The Tall Man was wearing something on his head that covered his face and, all of a sudden, everything is all right, just as Lady Human said. We should have listened to her. She knew.
Now I just feel silly. We had it all wrong. There was nothing to be afraid of. This time.
Very well. Alert cancelled. Never mind.
Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges
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