“There are lots of scents in the world. Keep your nose close to the ground. That’s where the most interesting smelliest ones can be found.”
Copyright 2023. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Scents
Singing vs. Howling – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What is that awful noise?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to be referring to my singing, would you?
Doodlebug: Yes, yes. That’s what it is. Mystery solved.
Me: I’m not a great singer, but it’s not that bad.
Sweetie: Let me show you how it’s done, Lady Human. OOWWEEE! HOOOOO!
Me: Now that’s what I call noise.
Sweetie: How dare you? That is the song of my people!
Me: Aren’t singing and howling two different things?
Doodlebug: Not when you do it, Lady Human.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Crosswise
“To get through a narrow gate, you have to line up with it.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Puppy Steps – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human! Quick! Quick! Hurry! Hurry! Hungry! Hungry!
Me: This food bag is heavy and I have to move with baby steps so I don’t fall over or pull a muscle.
Doodlebug: We call what you are doing ‘puppy steps’. Let’s speak clearly, ma’am.
Me: Okay, puppy steps then. My point is that we all go at our own pace.
Sweetie: If you would just get two more legs like we have, you could puppy step faster.
Me: Sorry. That’s not going to happen. The Great Creator gave y’all four each, not me.
MoonCat: I have the most talented four feet in the whole house. When I walk, it’s called “pussyfooting”. The best of all worlds.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Tell Tale Scents – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Someone is hiding something.
Sweetie: Yep. The scent is faint but real. It is…it is…IT IS CHEESE! Lady Human?
Me: Hmmm?
Doodlebug: You are sneaking cheese.
Me: Whatever do you mean?
Sweetie: Yup. A clear sign of guilt.
Me: Guilt? For eating a tiny piece of cheese?
Doodlebug: Tiny, huh! We’ve seen your cheese chunks before. Tiny for an elephant maybe.
Sweetie: You are guilty of not sharing. I hereby sentence you to share your cheese or else.
Me: Or else what?
Sweetie: Or else we won’t share our treats with you.
Me: Uhb…okay.
Doodlebug: I told you, Sweetie. We need better bargaining skills.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Enough?
“When is enough enough? NEVER! Keep piling it on!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Beck and Call – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, where’s my snack?
Me: You ate it.
Sweetie: That was then. This is now.
MoonCat: And my water needs to be changed. It’s stale.
Me: It was changed 20 minutes ago.
MoonCat: Yes, that’s what I mean.
Me: I don’t even change my own water more often than every 20 minutes.
MoonCat: That is you. This is me.
Doodlebug: Lady Human!
Me: Yes?
Doodlebug: Nothing. Just making sure you were listening.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Young Plants
“Don’t stomp on young plants. They aren’t very strong. Watch out where you put your big ole bulldog feet.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
MINE! – Conversations with Sweetie
Sweetie: Lady Human!
Me: Hmmm.
Sweetie: LADY HUMAN!
Me: Huh? What?
Sweetie: You are sleeping in my chair!
Me: Am I? Wait. This is my chair.
Sweetie: No. It WAS your chair until you abandoned it for a few minutes one day and I claimed it.
Me: I don’t believe your claim would hold up in a court of law. In fact, I’m certain it would not. So my chair. My human-owned chair. The end.
Sweetie: You just wait.
Me: Wait until what?
Sweetie: Until you leave the room. Possession is nine-tenths of bulldog law.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Ambling
“Why the big hurry? SLOW DOWN! Ambling is its own reward. And all we have is now.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Who’s in Charge Around Here? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Does that mean you are in charge around here? Because this place is very poorly run.
Doodlebug: Don’t blame me. I’m just the King.
MoonCat: Meow. Don’t drag me into this.
Sweetie: Lady Human, no one seems to be in charge, so now I am taking over.
Me: Uh, I don’t think so.
Sweetie: Don’t worry. You can still stay here. I won’t rehome you.
Me: Oh, thank you so much.
Doodlebug: That tone of voice in humans means she is making fun.
Me: Being in charge is not all it’s cracked up to be. There’s cleaning and buying food and cleaning and grooming and more cleaning…
Sweetie: On second thought, I am appointing you to do all that stuff, Lady Human. I hereby declare naptime. It’s great being charge!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – HEADS UP!
BOOM!
“Wow! I didn’t see that coming! That’s what happens when you only look in one direction. Look around.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Bulldoggy – Uphill
“Uphill is always a climb. How hard a climb depends on how steep the hill is and on how determined a bulldog you are.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Trash Raiders – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I am Sweetie. ‘Nough said.
MoonCat: Meow.
Me: You are probably wondering why I have called you all here today.
Doodlebug: No, not really.
Sweetie: Don’t care.
MoonCat: Meow. Because we all live here anyway?
Me: There is mess in the kitchen.
Doodlebug: Oooo, good! Let me at it.
Sweetie: A mess in the kitchen. So what else is new?
MonnCat: Meow. Nobody saw me do it.
Me: Noses need to stay out of the trash bag.
Sweetie: Uhb, trash bags should not be nose high then.
Me: There are nasty things in the trash that are not good for you to eat. We’ve gone over this before.
Doodlebug: Then how come nasty things smell so delicious?
MoonCat: And how come tunafish live in the trash?
Me: They don’t.
Sweetie: No, they don’t. Chickens do.
Me: No, that’s not true either.
Doodlebug: Nobody worry about what is living in the trash. I’ll just keep checking. My nose is on it
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Downhill
“To tumble or to slide, that is the question. Tumbling downhill can be fast but bumpy. Sliding may be smoother, but it can sure be rough on the paws.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Dealywhopper – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Oh, I wish y’all could hand me that dealywhopper over there. I can’t quite reach it.
Sweetie: What’s a dealywhopper? Can I eat it?
Me: It’s that…thing there.
MoonCat: Meow. Is it tunafish? I’ll get it if it’s tunafish.
Me: No, it’s that thingamajig on the floor over there.
Doodlebug: What is she talking about?
Sweetie: A dealywhopper. It’s important, but you can’t eat it.
Doodlebug: It must not really be all that important then.
MoonCat: It’s not tunafish so…never mind.
Sweetie: Why doesn’t she just say what it is?
Doodlebug: She did. It’s a dealywhopper.
Sweetie: Must be some new human invention. Have you noticed how humans are always coming up with new stuff and new things to call the stuff? They are so weird.
Doodlebug: Yes, I have noticed that.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Greed
“Greed makes messes that are hard to clean up. I’ll just use my tongue. The floor can’t taste all that bad. Can it?”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Reading the Room – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
And I am Sweetie and I smell something interesting over here. And over here. And over here.
MoonCat: Meow. Don’t come over here with your giant nose.
Doodlebug: Yeah, I smelled something over in that corner, too, but it wasn’t food, so I lost interest.
Sweetie: It smells like outside does after the sky water falls.
Me: Tracks? You smell where we’ve walked.
Sweetie: Well, of course I do. How else can I know the news and weather?
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Light to Dig By
“When you are digging, it takes light to see what treasure you find.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Nasty! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What’s that on the floor? Let me eat it.
Me: NO!
Sweetie: How come? It smells delicious. Like one of your meals.
Me: No, it is not delicious. It is cat throw up. MoonCat’s delicate stomach acted up.
MoonCat: Meow. Tummy ache. Tunafish makes it all right.
Doodlebug: Why can’t we have nice treats? The cat doesn’t mind.
Me: Cat vomit is NOT, I repeat, NOT a nice treat. But why am I surprised? The Bible even says that a dog returns to its own vomit.
Sweetie: But that’s not ours. We are returning to MoonCat’s vomit. If I threw up, I would share with her.
MoonCat: Meow.
Me: Everybody just stay back while I clean this up.
Doodlebug: You see, I told you. We never get nice treats.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 