What Wouldn’t a Bulldog Do? – Part 2 – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: I’m Sweetie. Hello.

Me: Hello yourself. After all the things I’ve seen y’all do over the years, is there something you can say a bulldog would not do?

Doodlebug: Hmmm. Nope. Nothing.

Sweetie: Nope. I’m pretty much open to anything.

Me: Nothing you wouldn’t eat?

Doodlebug: Given the chance, I’ll chomp down on whatever. Hey, even if not given the chance, I’ll go for it!

Sweetie: After I inspect it for aroma and taste, yeah. Then I’ll chomp down on it. You can’t be too careful nowadays.

MoonCat: What about rocks? Would you eat rocks?

Doodlebug: What flavor?

MoonCat: It almost goes without saying, Lady Human, but here it is. Stupid is as bulldog does.

Copyright 2024 H J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Construction Project Manager – Conversations with Sweetie

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Me: All right. Here we are again. Why are you sitting on that piece of cardboard instead of your pile of comfy blankets or your padded bed or your big red cushion?

Sweetie: Allow me to explain, bulldog style. First, bring that very large open box over here.

Me: To put one cardboard box on top of a flattened cardboard box?

Sweetie nods.

Me: Now you are tapping the big red cushion which means you want that moved to the new cardboard box.

Sweetie nods.

Me: There. Per your command.

Sweetie: Naturally. Ahhhh. Nothing like efficient bulldog management.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Welcome to Simpleton – The Careless Sky

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“The sky is so thoughtless. It scatters its lacy ice flowers all over the place where they get stepped on and dirty and melted by our hot feet. They aren’t even lacy ice anymore. Then they dry up…and go back into the sky… until the sky gets full and careless and drops them again. Well…that’s okay. They are pretty when they are new.”

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

What is This Mess? – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is this in my bowl? I am accustomed to being served quality food in the style to which I have become accustomed.

Sweetie: Yeah. He means what is this mess?

Me: I home-cooked some fresh dog food for y’all.

Doodlebug: Oh, no.

Sweetie: Why should we eat that? You don’t even cook for yourself.

Me: Just taste it. It has good ingredients. Ground turkey and some carrots and chicken broth and…

Sweetie: Mmmm. I guess it’s okay.

Doidlebug: Yes, put a little more of that mess in my bowl. No, a little more. And some more. And a bigger spoonful than that and…

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Tyranny of the Clock – Part 2 – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Lady Human, you all have fouled things up again.

Me: Whatever do you mean?

MoonCat: Meow. Dinnertime. Late. Fix it. Now.

Me: Well, I’ve been going by the time change, so, yes, I guess mealtimes seem late the last few days.

Doodlebug: Seem? There’s no seem about it. Where’s the food?

Me: Since it’s been getting a little darker earlier and the time changed, you all have been eating at different times so…

Sweetie: I’m not talking about what WE have been doing. I’m talking about what YOU have been doing. How come meals are late?

MoonCat: Meow. We have been patient.

Sweetie: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You humans have been fooling around with the sun again. Telling us when it will rise and when it will set.

Doodlebug: Yeah, as though you know!

MoonCat: I know this. Hungry. Food. Give it. NOW!

Outright 2023 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Harsh My Mellow – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you up to, Lady Human?

Sweetie: Yes, you look weird. I mean, weirder than usual. What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing. I’m just putting my feet up and covering my eyes with a cool cloth. Mellowing out a little.

MoonCat: Meow. Something at which I am an expert.

Sweetie: Nope. That doesn’t sound good. That mellowing business needs to stop.

Doodlebug: Your mellowing doesn’t look very bulldoggy. I’m not going along with it.

Me: But you two were all stretched out and mellow yourselves a few minutes ago.

Sweetie: Well, that was just an error on your part. We don’t do mellow.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldog Schedule – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Teatime is late, Lady Human. This is not a complaint, but it really is a complaint.

Me: It’s not nearly time for that yet.

Sweetie: Bulldog schedules are never wrong. Our stomachs are finely tuned instruments, far better than your clocks.

Me: I’ve noticed that y’all have been moving mealtimes around the last few weeks. Is it because the weather is cooling off?

Doodlebug: Bulldogs don’t respond to the weather any more than we respond to your human clocks.

MoonCat: Meow! Time to eat!

Me: Oh, not you, too.

MoonCat: Not me, too! Me first!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Handful – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: What’s the holdup? Where’s my supper?

MoonCat: Meow. Supper is late. And it’s me first, remember.

Me: I’m trying. I’ve got a handful of stuff I’m trying to sort out.

Doodlebug: No problem, Lady Human. Just hurry it up.

MoonCat: As long as it’s a handful of food for me.

Sweetie: Handful nothin’! I’m a bulldog! Bring the bucket!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Running around like a Chicken – Conversations with Sweetie

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Sweetie: Lady Human, we have a problem.

Me: What’s wrong?

Sweetie: There is something running around my sunbath area. I think it is a bird. It has wings, but it is not flying. I think something needs to be done.

Me: It’s alright, Sweetie. It’s a chicken.

Sweetie: Well, I knew it wasn’t a bulldog. But I don’t think it’s right to have a big chicken running around my sunbath spot.

Me: She won’t bother you.

Sweetie: What if she wants my spot? I’m not giving up my spot to a bird. I mean, what if she invites friends? It won’t be a sunbath anymore. It’ll be a bird bath.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Singing Away Summer – Conversations with Sweetie

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Sweetie: It was nice of you, Lady Human, to invite me out here while you were cleaning.

Me: Well, you looked bored and Doodlebug and MoonCat are napping.

Sweetie: I like it outside. Sometimes. For a very short time.

Me: It has been super hot, but you are my only true sunbather.

Sweetie: One thing I don’t like…that sound.

Me: Which one?

Sweetie: The one like toenails tapping nonstop. Like one of the Little Human’s wind-up toys.

Me: Oh, the locusts. Cicadas. This is their time. Summer. Heat.

Sweetie: Why do they make so much noise?

Me: I guess because they are singing away summer.

Sweetie: I wish they would stop. Are locusts tougher than bulldogs?

Me: Nope.

Sweetie: Then they’re not a problem then, are they? I’ll take care of this! Hey, locusts! Quiet!

Me: I don’t think they’re listening to you.

Sweetie: I’ll make ’em listen. I’ll just throw my bulldog weight around. Where are they?

Me: Up in the trees.

Sweetie: Cowards.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Keep Your Paws Off of Our Stuff – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Don’t touch what’s not yours. Nothing on the floor is yours.

Sweetie: Then why do you throw food on the floor?

Me: I don’t. That comes from big bulldog mouths knocking food bowls about. I’m talking about keeping your paws and mouths off other people’s stuff.

MoonCat: Leave me out of the discussion. I mind my own things

Doodlebug: But you put your paws on other people’s stuff, Lady Human.

Sweetie: Yeah. You’re all the time touching my stuff. Our stuff. Well, it’s mostly mine.

Doodlebug: My stuff. Chew sticks. Balls. That softy toy.

Sweetie: Beds.

Me: Poop? Is that poop outside yours?

Doodlebug: Nope. It doesn’t have my name on it.

Sweetie: Nope. Anyway you can’t prove it.

Doodlebug: Hey, Lady Human, you can put your paws on all that poop outside. It’s all yours now.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Foot Cleaning Social Hour – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Mmmm. Do you clean your feet like this?

Me: By licking them? Certainly not!

Sweetie: Lady Human, I was talking to MoonCat. She has way more feet than you. I don’t expect humans to know how to do things the proper way.

MoonCat: Meow. Your feet are bigger than mine, bulldog. I clean mine from the tops and sides first, but never before eating.

Doodlebug: Only after dinner then.

MoonCat: Yes, King Bulldog. Licking my feet before eating would be vulgar.

Me: Yeah, I can see that. All that loose hair and cat litter and stuff.

MoonCat: Clean your human feet as you wish to, ma’am, and we will clean ours in our own way.

Sweetie: Humans don’t understand the pressure of taking care of more than two feet at a time, MoonCat.

MoonCat: It is a lot of work, but it gives us so much more to talk about during social hour.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Early Call – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Oh. Lady Human!

Me: Do you all know what time it is?

Sweetie: Don’t know. Don’t care. Time to get up, Lazybones.

Me: Get up? It’s still dark outside!

MoonCat: Best time of day.

Me: Did you get this party started?

Doodlebug: No, I did. She just suggested it.

Sweetie: Hey, Lady Human, this is an early breakfast call. Just give us the grub so we can get back to bed. What you do with your time then is your business.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Reading the Room – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

And I am Sweetie and I smell something interesting over here. And over here. And over here.

MoonCat: Meow. Don’t come over here with your giant nose.

Doodlebug: Yeah, I smelled something over in that corner, too, but it wasn’t food, so I lost interest.

Sweetie: It smells like outside does after the sky water falls.

Me: Tracks? You smell where we’ve walked.

Sweetie: Well, of course I do. How else can I know the news and weather?

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldog Toilet Engineer – Conversations with Sweetie

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I am Sweetie, Princess of the Olde English Bulldogges…or Queen, I can’t decide which.

Me: Sweetie?

Sweetie: Yes?

Me: What is this?

Sweetie: I think you know what that is.

Me: If you needed to go, you should have called.

Sweetie: I didn’t want to bother you.

Me: Pooping in your water bowl is not ideal, but it does simplify the mess. And it always impresses me.

Sweetie: I have perfect aim, don’t I?

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Siren Song – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: What is that horrible whining noise?

MoonCat: Meow. Don’t look at me.

Me: Those are the storm sirens. A huge line of severe thunderstorms is moving through in just a few minutes.

Doodlebug: Who told them to move through my domain? I am the king and I did not give permission.

Me: Yeah, well, storms are real bad about not asking permission.

Sweetie: I hear the wind. What do we do? Blow back?

Me: Nope. Just stay inside, hold onto your hats. And pray. We’ve been through this before.

Doodlebug: This is like those shows on the big Picture Box.

Sweetie: Oh, good! Can we have snacks? I want cheese.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Cafeteria Line – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Move along. Move along. Time’s a-wasting.

Sweetie:  Hey, no cutting in line! I was here first!

Doodlebug:  My stomach is getting emptier by the second.

Me:  You just ate not three hours ago.

Doodlebug:  YES! TOO LONG! And this line is taking forever.

Sweetie:  The service here is terrible.

Me:  Hey, I’ve only got two hands.

MoonCat:  Meow! Where is my food?

Me:  Coming. Coming. I only have two legs.

Sweetie:  Excuses. Excuses. Keep the line moving.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.