I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Service, please!
Me: Already?
Doodlebug: Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. My bed blankets need changing.
Me: I just gave you clean blankets last night.
Doodlebug: Yes, but these smell yucky now.
Sweetie: Yeah, they smell like him.
MoonCat: Need I say more?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: MoonCat? What are you doing all the way back here?
MoonCat: Exploring the wonderful bulldog-free mysteries of this palace.
Me: Well, It’s not exactly a palace…
MoonCat: It has rooms, floors, halls, doors, and this lovely litter box cubicle. Of course, it’s a palace. And no bulldogs.
Me: Well, every once in a while they wander in here.
MoonCat: Don’t spoil it for me, Lady Human.
Me: And this is my bathroom, not a litter box cubicle.
MoonCat: You could have fooled me.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you laughing at, Lady Human? And Sweetie, how come you’re laughing, too? I’m serious. I’m not funny.
Me: Your head. A flower drifted down from a tree and it’s sitting on your head like a tiny hat.
Sweetie: You look goofy.
Doodlebug: Get it off! I can’t look goofy! I’m the king!
Me: It’s just a flower.
Doodlebug: No one will take me seriously.
Sweetie: Too late. No one ever has.
Me: It’s alright. It just blew away.
Doodlebug: Good. No tree should put a hat on me anyway. Now I’m normal.
Sweetie: I wouldn’t say that.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Service! Service here now!
Me: Hold your horses!
Doodlebug: We have no horses to hold.
Sweetie: But if we did, you’d better believe we could hold them.
Me: I’m mean, what’s the hurry?
Doodlebug: Me. I’m the hurry.
Me: It’s not like you’re going to give me a tip.
Sweetie: Tip?
Me: Yeah, a reward “to improve promptness”.
Doodlebug: Here’s a tip. Promptly let me outside or you will promptly be cleaning up the floor.
Me: Fair enough.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie, stop!
Sweetie: Stop what?
Me: Think for a second. What are you doing right now?
Sweetie: Talking to you.
Me: Before that.
Sweetie: Minding my own business.
Me: You were chewing on the corner of the plastic box.
Sweetie: Oh, that. That’s just a hobby of mine.
Me: Stop it. Why would you even do that?
Sweetie: Because…fun.
Me: It’s not food. It can’t taste very good. And it could harm you if you swallow any of it. Be reasonable.
Sweetie: Oh, you mean like humans?
Me: We don’t chew on plastic.
Sweetie: No, you just chew on everything else.
Copyright 2024 H. J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: We are under attack! Man your stations! I mean, Dog your stations!
Me: I have never understood this. This is a bucket. This is a mop. This is a broom. What is the problem?
Doodlebug: We are outnumbered!
Sweetie: Yeah, we can’t count on the cat.
MoonCat: Why should I interfere when those things clean up bulldog dirt?
Doodlebug: And I’m not sure which side Lady Human is on.
Sweetie: Look out! That broom thing has swept up some spilled food! Don’t worry! I’ll save you!
Me: Save food by eating it? Okay, I guess.
Sweetie: Y’all can keep that other crumbly stuff.
Doodlebug: Yeah, we’ll arrange to track more in later.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What’s with all the grumble faces?
Sweetie: Are you calling us ugly?
Me: By no means, but you do look a little serious.
Sweetie: Doodlebug! Maybe now is the time to present her with all our complaints…uh… requests.
MoonCat: Grumble faces? That must be a human and dog problem. I always wear the same face. That way no one can tell what I’m thinking. Keep ’em guessing.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why is Sweetie so loud, Lady Human?
Me: She is wrestling the big cardboard box into submission.
Sweetie: Grrrrr! Arrgghh! You’re not the boss of me! Grrrrrrrr!
MoonCat: I’ve never seen such a fuss over a cardboard box.
Me: I’ve seen you love lots of boxes in your time.
MoonCat: Yes, but gently, like old friends. Places where I could retreat to solitude and be hidden away from loud, obnoxious bulldogs.
Sweetie: No box gets by with locking me out! Grrrr! Down with those cardboard walls! Arrgghh!
Doodlebug: Well, not a box anymore.
MoonCat: Nope. Just a flat cardboard mess.
Sweetie: All right, Lady Human. When does the next cardboard box delivery get here? I’m ready.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Fess up, Lady Human! What did you do today?
Me: Do? I made some macaroni salad and washed your bedding and…
Sweetie: She’s pretending she doesn’t know. What did you do…TO THE SUN?
Me: Oh, that! I didn’t have anything to do with that. That was a total eclipse. Completely out of my control.
Doodlebug: I suppose you’re going to say that the Great Creator took the sun away and made the sky go dark.
Sweetie: When it wasn’t supposed to! Right when I had scheduled my sunbath!
Me: Well, as a matter of fact…
Doodlebug: I’ve heard enough! Humans! Always blaming someone else for the problems they cause.
MoonCat: I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. Your silly sun is back. Besides, darkness is a much more enjoyable time of day. So many places to sneak around and hide in.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Okay, what are you up to, Lady Human?
Me: Up to? Whatever do you mean?
Sweetie: I saw you fooling around with our softie food. You hid something in it, didn’t you?
Me: Would I do that?
Doodlebug: Absolutely!
Sweetie: Yes, without question!
MoonCat: Do I even need to answer that?
Me: Don’t you want this wonderful smelling treat? Mmmm! It’s so good. It’s your favorite!
Sweetie: It does smell good.
Doodlebug: It does look good.
MoonCat: Ask the question, bulldogs. What’s the catch?
Sweetie: Is this a bribe?
Doodlebug: Yeah, you want us to do something we wouldn’t do otherwise.
Sweetie: But it does look good.
Doodlebug: And it does smell good. Oh, all right. Give it here.
Sweetie: Mmmm. Is there any more?
Me: Not right now.
MoonCat: You all sold out cheap.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie, what do you think you’re doing?
Sweetie: Just trying new things. Look how well I fit in here.
Me: No, you don’t. We’ve talked about this before. There isn’t enough room for you to squeeze your head between that heavy chair and that table. There just isn’t.
Sweetie: Are you calling me fat?
Me: No, I’m calling you what you are. A big-boned bulldog of the English variety, and you can’t fit in any ole tight space you choose.
Sweetie: Watch me! Mmmm…hmmph!
Me: See what I mean?
Sweetie: But if I try hard enough, I should be able to fit anywhere!
Me: Not if it’s physically impossible. And why would you even want to?
Sweetie: It’s a bulldog thing. I’ll just keep trying.
Me: That’s what I was afraid of.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“What do you mean ‘Who?’ Me. That’s who. Who else could I be? And don’t go asking me who I am until you tell me who you are.”
Owl: Hoo. Hoo. Hoo.
“That’s not an answer.”
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you dancing for, Sweetie?
Sweetie: Lady Human finally figured it out, the reason for my discontent. Yay!
Doodlebug: Oh, I knew that! You got your sleep blanket all wet. That’s what happens when you keep dipping it in your water bowl and then wipe your big wet face on it.
MoonCat: Sorry to have to say it out loud, but DUH!
Sweetie: But she’s fixed it now with a dry one and I forgive her. She’s a human after all and they can’t help being a little slow on the uptake.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I’m Sweetie. Hello.
Me: Hello yourself. After all the things I’ve seen y’all do over the years, is there something you can say a bulldog would not do?
Doodlebug: Hmmm. Nope. Nothing.
Sweetie: Nope. I’m pretty much open to anything.
Me: Nothing you wouldn’t eat?
Doodlebug: Given the chance, I’ll chomp down on whatever. Hey, even if not given the chance, I’ll go for it!
Sweetie: After I inspect it for aroma and taste, yeah. Then I’ll chomp down on it. You can’t be too careful nowadays.
MoonCat: What about rocks? Would you eat rocks?
Doodlebug: What flavor?
MoonCat: It almost goes without saying, Lady Human, but here it is. Stupid is as bulldog does.
Copyright 2024 H J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Thank you, Lady Human, for making my special man cave. It is so warm and cozy, covered with soft blankets.
Sweetie: Oh, is that what stinks?
Doodlebug: It smells like me. Regal and masculine.
MoonCat: Don’t expect me to visit.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is not about the Big Blue Chair again, is it?
Sweetie: Everything is about the Big Blue Chair. Unless it’s about something else that I want.
Me: Look. The chair is mine. I don’t mind letting you use it when I’m elsewhere, but we can’t both fit in it at the same time.
Doodlebug: No problem. It’s too tall anyway.
MoonCat: No argument here. It smells like bulldog anyway.
Sweetie: I don’t mind sharing MY chair with you, Lady Human, but you’re going to have to shrink your bottom some to accommodate both of us and I have always first dibs.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Let me say at the outset that I never do anything wrong, but if I ever did, I would do it without holding back. Just like Sweetie is doing to Lady Human’s big blue chair.
Me: What? Oh, Sweetie! No!
Sweetie: Hmmm?
Me: The arm of my chair is soaked with your mouth drool! How long have you been licking there? It couldn’t be wetter if someone poured water on it.
Sweetie: Thank you for noticing, Lady Human. Whatever I do, it’s 110% or nothing. No halfway for me.
Doodlebug: And I think with that said, I’m going to take a nap.
MoonCat: Yes. I’m for doing nothing, too.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Me: All right. Here we are again. Why are you sitting on that piece of cardboard instead of your pile of comfy blankets or your padded bed or your big red cushion?
Sweetie: Allow me to explain, bulldog style. First, bring that very large open box over here.
Me: To put one cardboard box on top of a flattened cardboard box?
Sweetie nods.
Me: Now you are tapping the big red cushion which means you want that moved to the new cardboard box.
Sweetie nods.
Me: There. Per your command.
Sweetie: Naturally. Ahhhh. Nothing like efficient bulldog management.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie, what in the world are you trying to do?
Sweetie: Isn’t it obvious, Lady Human? I’m going into that box for fun and exploration.
Me: The opening you are attempting to enter is about 6 inches wide. Your nose is bigger than that, not to mention your head or your shoulders.
Sweetie: My body follows where my nose tells it to go. Everything else has to get out of the way.
Me: You can’t fit.
Sweetie: Oh, Lady Human, how long have you known us? “Can’t” is not a word that fits in the bulldog dictionary.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, something very sad is happening. The sky is falling apart. Little pieces of it are falling to the ground. I have always liked looking at the sky, but now it is going away. I shall miss it.
Me: The sky is not falling.
Doodlebug: I beg to differ. Look. Watch out that it doesn’t hit you.
MoonCat: Meow. I don’t go outside. Problem solved.
Me: What you are seeing are snow flurries, tiny ice crystals. I know you don’t remember, but we have seen them before.
Doodlebug: Wait. Snow. I’ve heard that word before.
Sweetie: And it covered the ground and swallowed our feet where we walked. NOOOO!
Me: It’ll be all right. There may not be that much this time.
Doodlebug: NOOOO! Swallowed feet!
Sweetie: NOOOO! Swallowed poop!
MoonCat: Now you see why I’m happy inside.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 