cats – Page 15 – Bulldoggy

Cat Dance – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 10, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Today I have witnessed something horrible that I never thought I would see.

Me: What horrible thing was that? I can’t imagine. Was it the large pile of poo by the back door that I had to step over?

Stella: Of course not. Events like that are what give your life meaning. No, I am referring to the disgusting display that Snoopey and Moon the Cat put on.

Me: They have been getting along famously of late.

Stella: Fame does not excuse their bizarre behavior. Today…dare I say it…they were dancing…together.

Me: I thought that was kind of cute. And, to be honest, it wasn’t much of a dance.

Stella: Nose to nose. Cheek to cheek, or in a bulldog’s case, cheek to jowl. Step to the right. Step to the left. And naturally, before it ended, Moon the Cat hissed at Snoopey. Typical.

Me: Eh, Moon hisses at me on a regular basis, too. I’m used to it.

Stella: Which is one of the problems with our world today, Lady Human. I will never get used to a cat hissing at me. How vulgar! Whatever happened to good manners?

Me: Between bulldogs and cats, I’m not sure good manners ever existed so…why not just accept that Snoopey and Moon are friends. When that happened, I don’t know, but it’s kind of nice to have one bulldog that truly keeps the peace in the house.

Stella: Snoopey? Peace? Really? Wait. Maybe I’m confused. Is there another Snoopey around here that I don’t know about?

Thingamajigs and Whirligigs – Conversations with Stella and Moon the Cat

Posted on February 9, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The ridiculous cat, Moon, is sitting on the kitchen windowsill, taking a sunbath when there is no sun. Which proves my point.

Me: And that is…

Stella: What?

Me: The point you say you proved.

Stella: Exactly.

Me: Stella, something about the cat, wasn’t it?

Stella; Oh, yeah! Cats are dumb. Look at her. Sitting there, all stupid and catlike, staring at that human gadget whirligig which, like all human gadgets, is doing some inexplicable thing.

Me: Your vocabulary has improved.

Stella: Thank you. I’ve been watching a lot of the Picture Box. You can get really smart by watching lots of shows.

Me: Well, I’ll reserve judgment on that. And the cat is not stupid unless I am stupid, too. That is a radiometer and when the light hits it just right, it spins inside its glass globe.

Stella: The light spins the little fan?

Me: There is a little bit of sun coming in. You can’t see it from where you are standing down there.

Stella: How does it spin?

Me: There are these things called electrons. They are invisible to the naked eye.

Stella: Our eyes are naked?

Me: To be honest, not just your eyes are naked.

Stella: How embarrassing. If these elections…

Me: Electrons.

Stella: If these electrons are invisible to naked people’s eyes, then you did not make them. Are they another one of those secrets the Great Creator tucks into things to surprise us?

Me: Yes, I do believe so.

Stella: But there aren’t any more invisible things in here like those electron thingamajigs.

Me: Actually…

Stella: NO! I don’t want to hear it!

Me: What are you afraid of?

Stella: What if there are…you know…Shhh! Invisible cats.

Me: There are no such things as invisible cats.

Stella: How do you know? They are invisible and your eyes are naked.

Me: Why are you whispering?

Stella: Moon is listening.

Moon the Cat: Meow!

Stella: You see! She was eavesdripping.

Me: Eavesdropping.

Moon the Cat: Meow.

Stella: Typical.

The Gifts of Secret Friends – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 5, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and…

Me: I have an announcement and some questions.

Stella: Typical.

Me: For the cat.

Stella: You are asking a cat questions? Total waste of time. If I were you, Lady Human, I would start with the announcement.

Me: This morning at breakfast…

Stella: Yes, breakfast was incredibly slow this morning.

Me: Thank you for noticing, Stella. The reason for the delay is that someone had cut a slit into the new bag of dog food and I had to deal with the literal fallout.

Stella: TALL MAN! Blame him! He’s not here!

Me: No, this bag weighs 50 pounds. Tall Man would not have cut the bag in the center. He would have opened it from the top and, if he needed to cut it, he would have used a knife which would have made a neat, clean cut. This cut was only a few inches long and slightly jagged.

Stella: Don’t look at me.

Me: I’m not. There were a number of pokes on the bag, from something small and sharp. Like something kept hitting it. I suspect you, Moon the Cat.

Stella: J’accuse!

Me: Wait! What?

Stella: I heard it on the Picture Box. It’s a human word for when you want to yell at somebody.

Me: I see. Well, Moon, did you cut the dogfood bag open with your claws?

Moon: Meow.

Stella: You see. I told you. Typical. Cats won’t answer a straight question with a straight answer.

Me: She could be saying, ‘Yes’. My understanding of cat is not that good.

Stella: Why in the world would she open the bag? She doesn’t eat that food. And a good thing for her, too!

Me: You saw where the bag was.

Stella: On the floor by Snoopey’s crate.

Me: And I had noticed a great interest by the bulldogs, except for you, right by Snoopey’s crate the past few days.

Stella: Sneaky little cat! She opened it for her secret friend, Snoopey! That means…that makes…Aaaaghh! Snoopey is a traitor to bulldogs everywhere!

Me: She may not have chosen this friend. This friend may have chosen her.

Stella: A cat? I refuse to believe it. That cat wants something. Why else the bribe? Admit it, Moon! You are trying to get bulldog favor, buying it with the best of all bulldog bribes – food! What have you to say for yourself?

Moon the Cat: Meow.

Stella: Typical!

The Secrets of Secret Friends – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on February 2, 2018February 3, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Lady Human! Shhhh!

Me: Why are you whispering? What’s wrong?

Stella: Shhh! Wrong? Something is very, very wrong.

Me: Wait a minute. I have to let Tiger out to potty.

Stella: No! Wait!

Tiger: Charge!

Snoopey: Get away! Get away!

Me: What is going on here? Tiger, get back!

Moon the Cat: Meow.

Me: Wait! Moon, where are you?

Moon the Cat: Meow.

Stella: Ask a rational question and get a cat answer.

Me: What? What are you doing in Snoopey’s crate? With Snoopey?

Snoopey: Nothing. We were just sitting in here. UNTIL TIGER SHOWED UP AND TRIED TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OF IT!

Me: Tiger! Come back!

Tiger: That cat is MY friend! Why does Snoopey have her trapped?

Me: She’s not trapped…apparently. Neutral corners!

Tiger: Oh! All right!

Me: Snoopey! Come out!

Snoopey: Okey dokey.

Me: Moon! What are you doing in there?

Moon the Cat: Just sitting here. What about it?

Me: Come out.

Moon the Cat: Come out what?

Me: Uggghh! Come out…PLEASE!

Moon the Cat: Oh, very well.

Stella: Something is terribly wrong here.

Me: Moon, how did you get inside Snoopey’s crate?

Moon the Cat: Snoopey wasn’t using it. I am Snoopey’s friend. I figured she wouldn’t mind if I went in and waited around for her.

Me: That is terribly risky. What if she did not want you in her crate? What if she came back to it in a bad mood?

Moon the Cat: We are not like humans. Snoopey is my friend. I am hers. You didn’t even notice any difference when she went into the crate. All was well.

Me: I didn’t see you in there. And all was well until Tiger came over to check it out.

Stella: I tried to warn you, Lady Human. Something is terribly wrong here.

Me: I can’t even believe what I just saw.

Snoopey: What’s not to believe?

Me: You and Moon, together! In your crate! And totally at peace!

Snoopey: Yep.

Me: I’ve never seen that before!

Snoopey: Well, I had never invited her before. She must have accepted my invitation while I was outside.

Stella: Snoopey, you and I are going to have a LONG, LONG TALK about what it means to be a bulldog.

Wash Your Own Face! – Conversations with Stella and Miss Sweetie

Posted on January 29, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Nope. Nope.

Me: Oh, come on, girl. It won’t take but a few seconds.

Stella: Nope. My face belongs to me.

Me: Does the dirt in your folds and in your nose rope belong to you, too?

Stella: If you want to wash a face, wash your own.

Me: I do. Nobody else offers and I can’t wait around.

Stella: Hands away! Hands away!

Me: No, Stella, it’s face washing time.

Stella: I’ll show you! I’ll scrunch my face up.

Me: I am patient. You can’t hold that scrunch for long.

Stella: Hey, I am a bulldog. I can scrunch my face forever. How about washing Sweetie’s face? She’s silly. She’ll let you.

Miss Sweetie: Sure, Lady Human! Here is my face. Wipe away.

Me: I will in a little bit, Sweetie. We have to catch Stella while we can.

Stella: I don’t understand you, Sweetie. Allowing face washing without a struggle. Pffft! Your attitude is most un-bulldoggy.

No Catty Remarks, Please – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The cat is a rude, loud mouth and must be ignored. Always.

Me: What’s this about?

Stella: Rude. Loud. Mouth. You can’t tell me that you didn’t hear her. Meow. Meow. Meow. Typical.

Me: It means something to her.

Stella: She lays up there on top of the big chair, looking down on us from her high perch like she’s all that and a bag of bulldog treats, and she starts making these remarks and I know that she is picking on us and putting us down.

Me: Maybe she’s saying, ‘Hello!’

Stella: She sees us every day, Lady Human. Why would she say ‘hello’?

Me: I doubt she’s insulting you.

Stella: She’s a cat! Why do you think humans call spiteful comments ‘catty’?

Me: You know about that?

Stella: I know a lot of things, Lady Human. You would be surprised.

Me: I already am, Stella.

Stella: There is no other choice. I must work on a dog/cat dictionary for the benefit of human and dog kind.

Me: How are you going to accomplish that?

Stella: Very carefully. And from a safe distance.

Stare Down – Conversations with Stella and Moon the Cat

Posted on November 27, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I can’t talk now.

Me: Then why did you introduce yourself?

Stella: I can’t talk because I am in a stare down with Moon the Cat. It is intense. It is touch and go. But in the end, I am sure that my huge bulldog eyes will win.

Me: What do you say to that, Moon?

Moon the Cat: Meow.

Stella: Typical.

Me: This is quite a contest. What are the rules?

Stella: Ask her.

Moon the Cat: Meooowww.

Stella: Must I explain everything? Oh, all right. We stare each other in the eyes. No looking away.

Me: Is blinking allowed?

Stella: Of course. What do you think we are? Crazy?

Me: I haven’t figured that out yet.

Stella: Whoever looks away, moves away, or falls asleep first, loses!

Me: Falling asleep is an option?

Stella: The game can grow boring after a while.

Me: What if someone interferes?

Stella: Then we stare at them. Since they can’t stare in two directions at once, they lose.

Me: This is just for you two, I take it.

Stella: She is my nemesis and I am hers.

Me: Okey dokey then. Well, see y’all later.

Stella: Only if the stare down is still going and you want to play. Remember the rules. You lose.

Blame It on the Cat – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 20, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhhh! Everybody, no barking or fussing. We have something to cover up. Silent, nose-to-nose communication only.

Me: Wait! What’s going on?

Stella: Who says anything is going on?

Me: Your silent, nose-to-nose communication. Did you think that I wouldn’t notice?

Stella: Yes. The ways of bulldogs are mysterious. Aren’t they?

Me: Can you identify the source of the bad gas smell in the den?

Stella: Bad gas smell? Sounds like a human problem. No issue here among the bulldogs. Right, pack? Pack? Hey, a little backup needed here!

Miss Sweetie: Silent, nose-to-nose communication only, Aunt Stella. Remember? Cover up.

Stella: Thank you, Sweetie. Why don’t you go sit over there where you can’t hear?

Me: So, whose stomach is upset?

Stella: The cat. Yeah, that’s it. The cat. Have you seen? She uses the bathroom in a box INSIDE THE HOUSE! I thought that was against the rules, except for humans who also use the bathroom INSIDE THE HOUSE! Unfair. Unfair. Unfair…

Me: I don’t believe that Moon is responsible for the bad gas smell.

Stella: Of course, she would say that!

Me: I think maybe you have a little stomach upset.

Stella: Lady Human, for shame! It’s the cat. It’s just like something she would do.

Me: How about some pumpkin in your food?

Stella: Well…I don’t know.

Me: You like pumpkin, right?

Stella: Well…maybe a little would be okay.

Me: There. I don’t think we will be experiencing any more bad gas smell problems in a while.

Stella: Now if only you would do something about the cat.

Urgent Alert! There is a Cat in the House! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 17, 2017November 17, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is an urgent alert! Ring the alarm bells! All eyes open! There is a cat in the house!

Me: Of course, there is a cat in the house. Our cat, Moon, is in the house.

Stella: No, this is a different cat! Everybody, be on the lookout!

Me: Stella, I guarantee that there is no strange cat in the house. I took Moon to the vet. She’s a little tired, that’s all.

Stella: Nope, Moon never leaves the house.

Me: She does when she goes to the vet.

Stella: And Moon prisses around all over, flaunting her cattiness in our faces. This strange cat seems sweet and quiet. Not like a scratcher at all.

Me: She got a vaccination. She doesn’t like her cat carrier or riding in the car. She complained to me the whole way there and the whole way back.

Stella: That shows how dumb cats are. Who in their right mind doesn’t like riding in a car? That doesn’t sound like our Moon. She is too smart to disdain a car ride.

Me: Let her have a good nap and she will be back to her usual self.

Stella: There she is! Charge! Ouch! Hey, it is Moon!

Me: I guess she didn’t need that nap after all.

The “I Don’t Need” List – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 28, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have a list of things I need…

Me: Before you get going on that, I have a different list. Things I don’t need.

Stella: Typical.

Me: Hear me out. Number one: I don’t need the incessant barking for no reason. I came home today, and everybody was barking and barking and there was no need for it.

Stella: We will be the judge of that.

Me: Well, I’m the judge of this. When you all are barking for no reason that I can tell, it sounds very much like you are yelling at me.

Stella: We would never yell at you. Not all at once. How could anyone understand what was being said?

Me: Try as I may, I don’t understand when you are barking one at a time. Item Number Two: I don’t need you to chase the cat or egg on anyone else to chase the cat. Doodlebug NEVER chased Moon the Cat before the other day and now he charges her every time he comes in from outdoors. I think you are encouraging him.

Stella: I am simply urging him to seek his own bulldog path. Cat chasing is perfectly normal for a young bulldog.

Me: Not in my house.

Stella: Your house? Since when?

Champion Cat Catcher – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

Posted on October 26, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! I am so proud of my boy, Doodlebug, that even though he is not my son, I am adopting him as my son and the heir to my cat-chasing, cat-tackling legacy.

Doodlebug: So now I have 2 moms?

Stella: Yes. No. Yes. Maybe.

Doodlebug: Since you are the Queen and I am now your son, does that mean that I am the King?

Stella: No.

Doodlebug: The Prince?

Stella: No.

Doodlebug: Pooh!

Stella: Because of your great feat yesterday, you are our champion cat chaser, cat tackler, cat…

Doodlebug: Hugger!

Stella: No, Doodle! Hush! Ugly talk!

Me: Stella! Doodlebug is a free-style cat chaser. Not everybody chases cats in the same way. In fact, before yesterday, I had never seen Doodle put any effort into chasing the cat at all.

Stella: Yeah, and then all of a sudden, he was a natural. I am so proud. He charged around and saw the cat sleeping in your chair. Sleeping in YOUR chair! Where is your self-respect, Lady Human? Allowing a cat to sleep in your personal space? Really?

Me: And, all of a sudden, Doodlebug was on top of the cat, completely covering her with his big old Doodlebug body. And she didn’t scratch him or bite him or hiss at him.

Stella: A tactical error on her part.

Me: He eased back, and she scooted away.

Doodlebug: Cats are soft.

Stella: Doodlebug!

Doodlebug: Cats are cuddly and huggable.

Stella: Doodle, stop!

Doodlebug: Cats are our friends.

Stella: Noooo! Heresy! You are a bulldog!

Me: Well, Moon the Cat is none the worse for wear.

Stella: Awww! The cat is not afraid of bulldogs! The world has changed! All is lost! Oh, well. There’s always tomorrow.

The Arrest of Doodlebug – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

Posted on October 19, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby order the arrest of Doodlebug. Offense: Rampaging without a license. Disorderly conduct (even for a bulldog). General disobedience.

Me: I am trying to catch him now. Can you help?

Stella: I am not that fast, Lady Human. Sorry. He does not obey anyone. That is why you have my permission, my edict in fact, to arrest him. Take him into custody. Now. Please.

Me: Doodle, come here!

Doodlebug: Haha! Catch me if you can. What’s that over there?

Me: Something that is not yours. Come here, boy!

Doodlebug: Haha! Nope. What’s that over there?

Me: My phone! No!

Doodlebug: Okay. Wait. What’s this over here?

Snoopey: Hey! My blanket! Leave it alone!

Doodlebug: Oh, okay! Hey, what’s that?

Stella: You know. It’s the Cat. Go, Doodlebug, go!

Me: Stop!

Stella: Awwww.

Me: Doodle, stop! There! I got you. Leash arrest.

Doodlebug: Awwww.

Me: Let’s go outside and run around. Get all the excess energy out.

Doodlebug: Are you going outside, too?

Me: Sure. I’ll go outside with you.

Doodlebug: Will you run around?

Me: No, not so much. Excess energy is not my particular issue.

Doodlebug: When we come back in, will I still be under arrest?

Me: Will you behave?

Doodlebug: No.

Me: Oh, all right, no. You won’t be under arrest. Never mind.

Stella: She gives up too easily, Doodlebug. I am the Queen. Do what I say.

Doodlebug: Mmmm. Nope.

The Bulldog F-Word – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogge. There are some words that people should not use, especially not in our delicate ears or the ears of human puppies. Humans have all kinds of ugly words that they use to insult other humans, insult dogs, insult cats…never mind. Insulting cats is an art form.

Me: Are you saying that there is a bulldog F-word?

Stella: Of course. You’ve heard it. We have discussed it before.

Me: And what, pray tell, is that word?

Stella: You know.

Me: No, I don’t.

Stella: Yes, you do. I told you before. I just didn’t admit that it was like the human F-word.

Me: I don’t remember…

Stella: Pffft!

Me: Stella! Really?

Stella: Pffft!

Me: Why are you using your F-word at me?

Stella: You asked for it.

Me: Well, yes, but I didn’t think you actually had one.

Stella: Would I lie to you?

Me: I don’t think so.

Stella: So, pffft!

Me: Oh, Stella.

Stella: What’s wrong?

Me: Let me quote my grandmother when she heard a dirty word. “Hush! Ugly talk!”

Stella: Your grandmother must not have been much fun to be around. Pffft!

Me: Stella! Why are you cussing at me?

Stella: I don’t know. Maybe because you don’t do what I want you to do.

Me: Is that a good reason to cuss at someone?

Stella: It’s a reason. Maybe not a good reason. Pffft.

Hiding Space – Conversations with Stella and Moon the Cat

Posted on September 21, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. SHHHHH!!!! Don’t say anything! Maybe she won’t find me. Hiding is hard when you are shaped like a four-legged, 50-pound tank. I’ll squeeze back here. Nope. That won’t work. My back half is sticking out. If I can avoid her long enough, maybe she’ll forget about me, and then the danger will pass. I can squeeze behind the couch. Hey! Cat! Move it! Bulldog coming through! Make way! What do you mean ‘meow’? Hiss!!! How about that? Does that get your attention?

Me: Stella! Hey, Stella! Come here, girl. Just for a minute.

Stella: Just for a minute. Huh. A likely story. I can smell it. She forgets I have a dog’s nose. A poor thing, but my own, and it serves me at times like these. If I can just…scrunch down…a little bit more…I can wait out the threat back here.

Moon the Cat: Meooww.

Stella: SHHHHH!!!! Whisper!!! Don’t you understand anything? She’s got that bottle of sour-scented water in her hand.

Me: Stellaaaa!

Moon the Cat: Meooowww.

Stella: SHHHHH!!!!

Moon the Cat: Why don’t you want her to take care of your ears?

Stella: What? You speak my language? Why haven’t you done this before?

Moon the Cat: Bulldoggese is a difficult tongue for a cat. Very rough. It beats up my mouth. Why don’t you learn my language instead?

Stella: A preposterous notion. The very idea!

Me: Oh, Stella, there you are. Come here. Just for a minute.

Stella: No. No! No!!! Now see what you’ve done, Cat!

Moon the Cat: I helped you find the Lady Human. You are welcome.

Me: It won’t take a second and you know it makes your ears feel better, Stella. There. That’s one ear. Now for the other.

Stella: Eeeggghhh. Eeeggghhh! Eeeggghhh!!

Me: You see. All done. Until next time.

Stella: Until next time. Destroyer of hope.

Me: What’s better? To suffer the itch and pain of ear infections or to take arms against them and, by opposing, end them.

Stella: You made that up. Strange words from someone who does not put drops of sour water into her own ears.

Me: Thank you, Moon, for alerting me to Stella’s whereabouts.

Moon the Cat: Glad to have been of help. Not really. Meow.

Why Do Cats Get An Indoor Toilet? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on September 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs, dogs of any type really, are forced to go outside to potty, while humans and… ugh…cats get to go to the bathroom indoors. Even our parakeet, Pearl, is allowed to potty inside. This is horribly unfair, especially on bad weather days. Dogs are expected to endure heat, cold, rain, snow (whatever that is), ice (whatever that is), hurricanes, tornadoes, thunderstorms…

Me: Okay, we get the picture. By the way, we have never had a hurricane here. By the time they get here, they’re some rain and a strong breeze and little else. And, if we do have a tornado or two or sixteen in one day like we had a few years ago, we don’t send anyone outside.

Stella: If cats are allowed to use the toilet inside on all occasions, why aren’t we?

Me: Think about that for a minute. Cats have an instinct to use a box or a hole and to cover up what they do. Bulldogs, on the other hand…

Stella: Hey, I wipe my feet every time I potty.

Me: I know. If I gave you each a litter box, would you all really use it?

Stella: Hmmm. I would have to say…Nope, definitely not. Nope. Not bulldoggy enough. Too confining. You will never take our FREEDOM!

Me: So, you will continue to potty outside? For the freedom?

Stella: Of course, when you put it that way. Cats don’t know what they are missing. But then again, cats always have a warm potty.

The Giant Insect Air Force – Conversations with Stella

Posted on August 23, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. We are being invaded by a huge number of giant flying insects called cicadas.

Me: We call them ‘locusts’, but I realize some people call a grasshopper-like insect that so there may be some confusion…

Stella: What, Lady Human, does that have to do with what is going on?

Me: Just clarifying.

Stella: Please don’t. You only make things more confusing. And this is confusing. A day ago, everything was nice and calm and the cicadas were here. Now they are flying around like mad, lots and lots of them, and… OW! One flew into my head!

Me: Don’t worry. He’s okay. It didn’t faze him one bit.

Stella: He’s okay? What about me! It fazed me!

Me: There do seem to be a lot of them flying, more than I’ve ever seen at one time.

Stella: They are kind of cool. Green and gold and shiny. The trees are filled with them, all singing. Is that windup toy noise their fight song?

Me: No, it’s more like their mating call so the females can lay eggs and 17 years from now the babies can hatch out.

Stella: Watch out! Low flying giant insect! What if I catch one?

Me: You won’t like it. I was wearing flip flops one summer evening many years ago…

Stella: Boring! Get to the point.

Me: A cicada flew down and got caught between my toes and my flip flop and I couldn’t get that shoe off fast enough. It was buzzing and shaking and bumbling…

Stella: That’s great!

Me: No, not great! And another time a cat caught one in her mouth and liked to have gone nuts before she realized she just needed to open her mouth and let it go. That cicada scared that cat silly.

Stella: A cicada in a cat’s mouth, huh? Lady Human…

Me: Nope.

Stella: But I have an idea.

Me: Nope.

Stella: But you haven’t heard it yet.

Me: Don’t have to. I already know what it is.

Stella: But it would be funny.

Me: Not for the cat, it wouldn’t be.

Stella: Hmmmpphh. Pooh! What good is a cicada invasion if we can’t have some fun with a cat?

Me: If you think it’s so funny, why don’t you go ahead and pick up a cicada with your mouth and see how that works?

Stella: No, not the same. My bulldog mouth is so large, he’d probably get lost in there and never find his way out again.

Big Game Hunting – Conversations with Stella

Posted on August 19, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Why are you whispering?

Stella: SHHHHH! Sorry, that was loud. Shhhhh! Quiet!

Me: Why are we whispering then?

Stella: I am big game hunting. Hunters must be silent and stealthy.

Me: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. Squirrels?

Stella: Phhhffft. I said BIG game hunting. Squirrels? Big game? Please.

Me: Are you hunting rats?

Stella: What part of ‘big’ don’t you understand, Lady Human?

Me: I’ve seen some good-sized rodents in my time.

Stella: Bulldog sized?

Me: Honestly, no. So, are you hunting a raccoon?

Stella: Nope.

Me: A possum?

Stella: Nope.

Me: Please say that you are not hunting a skunk.

Stella: Lady Human, really. Do we ever have raccoons, possums, or skunks in the house?

Me: No. Praise the LORD!

Stella: What is the only other non-bulldog animal in the house that I could be hunting?

Me: My parakeet, Pearl? No, surely not sweet little Pearl.

Stella: What? A bird? No! Yuck! I said BIG GAME! I am hunting Moon the Cat. Shhhhh!

Me: Oh, you are hunting the cat. I see…

Stella: Shhhhh! I know where she is hiding.

Me: Where?

Stella: There, under the couch.

Me: Nope.

Stella: What do you mean? She is right there. I can smell her.

Me: Yeah, she moved on from that spot about 30 minutes ago.

Stella: Then what is that shadow? Aaaaggghh! Is it a giant insect that smells like a cat?

Me: I think you are looking at a couch leg.

Stella: It’s not the cat?

Me: No, sorry.

Stella: How am I ever going to be a big game hunter if I can’t track a simple cat?

Me: For one thing, Moon is not what I would call ‘big game’.

Stella: She is the biggest animal here.

Me: She weighs about 25 pounds. You weigh 50 pounds. Do the math.

Stella: I am a bulldog. I don’t like math.

Bulldog Rampage – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on July 24, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and here we are again at the Bulldog Rampage. I will be calling the action except for when I am chasing the cat. Coming out of the chute in order are…

Me: Whoah! Bulldog Rampage? Not again!

Stella: Of course, again. All right, everybody get ready. Lady Human interrupted. In order, here they come! Sweetie, Wiggles, Doodlebug, Snoopey…Snoopey…Snoopey!

Snoopey: What?

Stella: Rampage time!

Snoopey: Nope.

Stella: Why not?

Snoopey: I’m tired.

Tiger: You can leave me out, too. I refuse to rampage with Snoopey.

Stella: Didn’t you hear? Snoopey is sitting out.

Tiger: Well, in that case, I’m really sitting out. She’s not better than me.

Stella: Fine! Here they come! Sweetie, Wiggles, Doodlebug! And me! Where is that cat?

Miss Sweetie: Up on Tall Man’s chair! Now up on the couch! Run! Run! Uh-oh!

Stella: Sweetie is off to a fast start with two pieces of furniture under her belt and a great sideways floor slide. Scrambling back up on her feet, she’s made it to the trash in the kitchen!

Me: Noooo!

Stella: Meanwhile, Doodlebug got off to a slow start, but he is making up for it by head slinging drool all across the room as he runs. Not missing a beat! Great distribution! Now where’s that cat?

Me: She heard you coming. Rampaging is hard to hide.

Stella: Wiggles is bringing up the rear, but she is well into her comma dancing. Real style! She shows that a bulldog does not have to jump on furniture, dig in the trash, or sling drool to rampage.

Wiggles: Trash? There’s trash? Let me at it!

Me: Whoah again! My legs are standing here!

Miss Sweetie: Beep! Beep! I haven’t jumped on your chair yet! Woo-hoo!

Doodlebug: Awww. I’m all out of drool. Let me lick my way through.

Me: Noooo! Wet everywhere!

Stella: Not a problem, Lady Human. It will dry. Now, where’s that cat?

Humans are Idiots – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 3, 2017July 3, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: What was that?

Me: No “I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges” announcement…

Stella: No! Lady Human, this is serious. What was that noise?

Me: Some people are shooting off fireworks. And guns. Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. It’s a big celebration day. Remember. We talked about this before.

Stella: The noises were never so loud before. This sounds like those lightning storms that crack the sky.

Me: The explosions do sound closer this year. We must have some new neighbors.

Stella; This is not neighborly! This is rude! And dangerous.

Me: Yes. A neighbor not too far away found a spent bullet on their front porch this morning.

Stella: Noooo! What if their dog had been sitting there?

Me: Or their child?

Stella: Why do humans do such things?

Me: We’ve talked about this before, too, remember? Humans are idiots. Not all of us. And not all the time. But quite a few of us a lot of the time. A few years before you came, we had a roofing contractor out and he found two bullet holes in our roof. Bullets that had fallen from the sky, probably from miles away.

Stella: Lady Human, you are not making me feel any better.

Me: Bottom line, those bullets hit our roof and we did not know a thing about it. God covered us that night. I pray that He does every night.

Stella: So we can go outside?

Me: The Great Creator does not invite us to be foolish. We will stay in tonight.

Stella: Look at Snoopey. She is the bravest among us and she is so scared right now.

Me: I will take care of Snoopey. She is coming back to my room and we will watch a movie and maybe sing a quiet song.

Stella: Hey, no fair. You are going to have a Fourth of July party without us?

Me: No, we are going to have a nice, quiet evening where nothing extraordinary happens. No fear. No harm. Happy Fourth of July, Stella.

Stella: Thank the Great Creator for me that we have a roof to cover us.

Me: Amen.

Stella: Why doesn’t the cat get scared?

Me: Cat.

Stella: Oh yeah. No fair.

He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wings shalt thou trust: His truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Psalm 91:4 KJV

Stop Clucking in Our Ears! You Sound Like a Chicken! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 13, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, guard my ears from nonsense noises and that is hard living with a pack of bulldogs. But today it was not a bulldog assaulting my ears. It was far worse than that.

It was a cat. Moon the Cat, to be precise. She was making clucking noises in Lady Human’s ear and I heard it. Clucking noises! Who does that? She is a cat! Where was the meowing that we are so often subjected to? A cat should act like a cat. Clucking is for chickens and I know that the cat has not been hanging around with them.

Me: It was really no big deal.

Stella: How do you define “big deal”? Since when is a cat clucking like a chicken not a big deal? Is this yet another cat/chicken conspiracy? Are cats and chickens uniting against bulldogs? Are they now speaking a common language? Is this a prelude to war? NOOOOO!!

Me: Wait. A war between bulldogs on one side and cats and chickens on the other?

Stella: What else can it be? A cat was clucking, Lady Human! A cat! Clucking!

Me: I don’t think it is a real problem. I did tell Moon to stop doing it in my ear.

Stella: There is a plot afoot. Ignore it if you will, but one day, all of us may be clucking in cat-ese like a bunch of chickens.

Me: Flock.

Stella: I beg your pardon?

Me: Granted.

Stella: Hmmmph! Cats!

Me: Hmmmph! Bulldogs!

Stella: What?

Me: Nothing.

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