Author: H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The little trees are shaking, Lady Human. They are shaking because they are afraid.

Me:  They are shaking because Doodlebug and Sweetie have got them in the grip of their bulldog teeth and are tugging their little branches off. Hey, y’all, what’s going on here?

Doodlebug:  They were in our way, but they aren’t in our way anymore.

Miss Sweetie:  And the leaves on this one taste good.

Me:  Enough is enough. If there is tree trimming to be done, the humans will do it.

Stella:  But these little trees grew across the path and I didn’t see you or Tall Man ever…

Me:  Thank you for your assistance, but we would have gotten around to it.

Miss Sweetie:  No problem, Lady Human, we don’t mind. It gives us another thing to munch on.

Doodlebug:  Yeah, and we are even better than those loud, buzz machines you humans are always using to disturb our peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Wow! What happened?

Me:  A cold front. Those thunderstorms last night brought cooler air with them. It was 106 degrees and about an hour later, it was down to 75.

Stella:  Can you do that again?

Me:  Since I didn’t do it, I doubt it.

Stella:  It has been so hot! For a million years.

Me:  Well, despite what you think, I have not been around for a million years, so…

Stella:  Now it is all nice and cool.

Me: Yes, it is a nice, cool 93 degrees.

Stella:  You probably didn’t notice, Lady Human, but for this last week or so, I didn’t want to do anything. So, in the way of bulldogs, I didn’t.

Me:  It’s hard to get motivated in the heat. Once you get out in it, it’s okay, but you never stop thinking about the air conditioning.

Stella:  And ice.

Me:  And cool, wet scarves.

Stella:  And ice.

Me:  And rubbing alcohol.

Stella:  And… wait…that stinky, smelly stuff you wipe on your arms…NOOOOO! Keep it away! Keep it away!

Me:  I don’t use it on you. It helps me cool down.

Stella: And you can keep it all to yourself. Wait again. Are you going to use it today? Do I have to hide my precious little bulldog nose?

Me:  No, I probably won’t bring it out today. It’s cooled down enough.

Stella:  Whew! That’s a relief! Next time, you need to cool down, I have a whole supply of non-stinky drool for that.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  How is everyone this evening?

Tiger:  GrrrrRRRR!

Me:  All right. There’s that. How about you, Wiggles?

Wiggles:  Hmmmpphh.

Me:  Wonderful.

Doodlebug:  Bad mood. Better not say anything.

Miss Sweetie:  Shine on, shine on, harvest moon, up in the sky…

Me:  Well, somebody’s in a good mood.

Miss Sweetie:  Hush!

Me:  Whoa!

Stella:  We all heard the little human tell you to…and I quote…’Shut up!’ Bulldogs aren’t better than humans. Now everyone wants to backtalk. Why did she say that?  Were you barking at her?

Me:  No. She has heard it among some of her less than mature human acquaintances. I guess she decided to try it out on me.

Stella:  How rude!

Me:  Funny, she was saying that about y’all barking earlier. She used that very word.

Stella:  I like her! She is like a bulldog. I can work with that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…Well?

Me:  Well what?

Stella:  I’m standing here in place. Do the thing.

Me:  Oohhh! That thing! You haven’t wanted to do that for a while.

Stella:  Now I do again. It was our thing to do when I go out and we did it all the time and I got used to it and now I miss it.

Me:  Okay. Here goes. Eeeeeeeee! Scratch, scratch, scratch. Pat, pat, pat. Is your rear end happy now?

Stella:  Yes, and off I go. Thank you, Lady Human. It means a lot to me.

Me:  Rituals can be very comforting.

Stella: Rituals? Do you have rituals?

Me:  Sure. We have spiritual rituals that are the same or just about the same over hundreds, even thousands of years. And we have traditions that may be less formal, but we do them on a regular schedule, some of them historical from a long time ago…

Stella:  Like from last week?

Me:  Usually longer ago than that. Like when we celebrate Thanksgiving. We have certain decorations and special foods…

Stella:  And the turkey meat shows up!

Me:  Yeah, that’s one of our traditions.

Stella:  Lady Human, we need more traditions with food.

Me:  Living here, in case you haven’t noticed, our traditions all have food linked to them.

Stella:  Can we link food to our little ritual, too?

Me:  I don’t know how that would work with the eeeeee sound and the scratching and the three pats.

Stella:  Oh, use your imagination! A treat before and a treat after. Simple.

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. We have another rule to approved or disapprove. I don’t see anyway around this one. Physically. No crowding the door at potty time.

Tiger:  I don’t like crowds of dogs anyway. Good rule!

Wiggles:  Crowds don’t bother me. I just push my way to the front.

Doodlebug:  Door?  What door? Doors are not a problem for me.

Miss Sweetie:  Crowds at the door? What if I need to go really bad?  Do I have to stand in a long line?

Me:  No, Sweetie. Everything will proceed in an orderly manner.

Stella:  Ha! Orderly! You sure don’t know bulldogs, do you, Lady Human? That’s why we have rules.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. We are now back in order in our convention.

Miss Sweetie:  Can we have more birthday sausages and treats?

Me:  No, not now. We need some breathing room.

Stella:  And that brings us to Rule #3. No sticking your head in the refrigerator.

Tiger:  How else are we going to smell what’s in there?

Doodlebug:  How are we going to see what’s in there?

Wiggles:  How are we going to grab what is in there?

Me:  That’s the point. The refrigerator is a storage place for food. We don’t need bulldog heads and mouths snooting around in it.

Stella:  Uh, Lady Human, snooting is done by noses.

Me:  Which is attached to your head which is right above your mouth.

Stella:  So, what’s your point?

Me:  So, no heads in the fridge.

Stella:  I move that we table this rule until later. All in favor. Aye. I am the queen. My vote counts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J Hill All Rights Reserved,

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STELLA! YOU ARE SEVEN YEARS OLD TODAY!

Tiger:  Do I have to sing the birthday song? She already gets called ‘the queen’ all the time. That’s like having a birthday every day.

Me:  We sang it for you. It would be nice if you joined in with a pleasant, non-grumbly voice.

Tiger:  Oh, all right.

Wiggles:  What do we get?

Me:  Special treat this evening. A small sausage that has been made with cheese. Well-cooked. Not our normal fare.

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, me, me, me!

Me:  Everyone gets some, Sweetie.

Doodlebug:  How old is seven years?

Me:  Well, I’ve seen several calculations for that, from 51.5 to 62.1 human years.

Doodlebug:  Is that old?

Me:  Well…

Stella:  I can’t believe it. Just like that, I am old.

Me:  You don’t act old. I don’t think of you as old. I didn’t know you when you were a puppy.

Stella:  I was a puppy?

Me:  Sure. Don’t you remember?

Stella:  Not much. Was I cute?

Me:  You’re cute now so you must have been cute then.

Stella:  I’m not sure I like birthdays anymore. Especially when there is no cake.

Me:  But then there is…

Stella:  SAUSAGE!!! I’m young again! Bring it on!

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs, come to order.

Tiger:  Ridiculous!

Doodlebug: Unheard of!

Wiggles:  Won’t happen.

Miss Sweetie:  Is Lady Human ordering for me?  I will take a hamburger with no green stuff.

Stella:  No, Sweetie. This is our rules convention, remember. Rule number 2 – no pooping or peeing in the house. Actually, I agree with this one. The house is not a potty.

Tiger:  Why do the humans have potties inside then?

Wiggles:  Their house, their rules.

Doodlebug:  I think we should keep this rule.

Tiger:  Inconvenient. What about when it rains like today. Or when it’s dark and scary.

Miss Sweetie:  Can I still get my hamburger?

Me:  What’s this conference about?

Stella:  It is not a conference. It is a convention. That is better. We are deciding if we should poop and pee inside or outside.

Me:  Outside, absolutely, all the time.

Stella:  But we get to vote.

Me:  Vote all you want. The rule is outside.

Stella:  But you can’t stop our vote.

Me:  No, but just for fun, I can veto it.

Stella:  Wait. V…O…T…E and V…E…T…O. That is a human trick. You just switched the letters up.

Me:  When did you start spelling?

Stella:  When I had to start keeping up with human tricks.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the English Bulldogges. This bulldog convention is called to order. On the agenda, changes to the Rules of the House. Rule #1: No barking. A quiet house is a happy house.

Tiger:  Wrong!

Wiggles:  Stupid!

Doodlebug:  Totally unbulldoggy!

Miss Sweetie:  What is a convention?  Wait. More important – what is a genda?

Me:  What is going on in here?

Stella:  A private bulldog meeting. Our free speech is being squashed. We are here gathered to take hold of our squashed words.

Me:  If that means you are going to bark all the time and for no reason, the answer is Nope.

Tiger:  That sounds reasonable.

Wiggles:  I can go along with that.

Doodlebug:  I vote aye!

Miss Sweetie:  Hold on! I still don’t know what a genda is?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you up to, Lady Human?

Me:  Hmmm?

Stella:  You are munching on something.

Me:  Hmmm?

Stella:  What are you holding back from me? Where is mine? I want mine now.

Me:  We’ll have crackers later.

Stella:  Not good enough. Show me what you have.

Me:  Ahhhh. There. See. Nothing.

Stella:  That’s because you ate it all. You were holding back on me. And you pretended you didn’t have anything in your mouth. For shame, Lady Human! You lied to a dog!

Me:  I’ll make it up to you later.

Stella:  You’d better believe you will. I’ve got my eye on you. No more hidden munching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Uhhhhh.

Me:  Time to eat, girl.

Stella:  Says who?

Me:  Everybody.

Stella:  Nope.

Me:  What do you mean “nope”?

Stella:  Nope. It is a plain ole well-known bulldog word. Please bring me my food and a new bowl of water.

Me:  I am not catering to your profound sense of laziness.

Stella:  But I have worked on it so hard for so many years. Surely I have graduated by now. Where’s my fancy piece of paper?

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, Lady Human. Come on. Get up. Pet me. Scratch me. The sun is shining through our window. Up! Up! Up! Oh, what’s the use? Sleep on. I’ll catch you later.

Me:  Good. She’s gone back to sleep. Truth be told, I was playing possum. I wanted to see how long she would keep tapping me with her paw if I didn’t respond. I won. Now…I’ll just stay still and wait…

 One Hour Later

 Stella:  Lady Human! Lady Human!

Me:  What? What happened?

Stella:  You were lazy.

Me:  No, I was playing possum.

Stella:  Do possums snore?

Me:  I don’t know…I don’t think so.

Stella:  Then you are no possum.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…three, four, five…

Me:  Your counting is pretty good.

Stella:  It’s important to keep count of important stuff…six, seven, eight…

Me:  What’s so important?

Stella:  What you’re munching.

Me:  Oh, sorry, here have a cracker or two.

Stella:  Or two? I was counting, remember?

Me:  Here are a couple more.

Stella:  That makes four. I need five, six, seven, and eight, and more if you have crammed additional ones into your mouth.

Me:  Crammed?

Stella:  Oh, come on, Lady Human, you know how you are with food.

Me:  What’s wrong with me enjoying some cheese crackers?

Stella:  Nothing, so long as I get my fair share. And right this second, I figure I’m running about eight behind. Don’t hurry. I’ll be here all night watching you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Whoa, girl! Stay away from that corner!

Stella:  But I want to smell the funny looking plants. They have spikes all over them.

Me:  Those are cacti. Those spikes are thorns. Cacti are infamous for them.

Stella:  Why would you plant something I cannot sniff?

Me:  That’s kind of a strange story. All you need to know is that cactus does very well around here and they are not to be fooled with. That’s why they are not in y’all’s regular yard.

Stella:  What if I just sniff away from the spikes?

Me:  Nope. Cacti have an almost invisible defense. Tiny, hair-thin stickers, almost invisible, that you can feel but have trouble seeing. Ask me how I know.

Stella:  Lady Human, is that a trick question?

Me:  Yep. If you’ve ever hosted them, you won’t forget. I love you enough to want you to avoid that.

Stella:  Would you pull the stickers out even if you couldn’t see them?

Me:  Yes, until I got every single one. But wouldn’t it be better not to spend our time that way?

Stella:   Now that you have told me to stay away, I want to touch it all the more.

Me:  Temptations are funny that way. Let’s go inside. Then there won’t be a problem.

Stella:  Until the next time. I will discover the mystery of the mean spiky plant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. DID EVERYONE HEAR THAT? EVERYONE?

Me:  Stella, turn down the volume! They heard you three counties over!

Stella:  GOOD!

Me:  Stella! Your voice is so…

Stella:  Beautiful? Lovely? Enchanting?

Me:  No. Try high, squeaky, and grating on my ears.

Stella:  I do my best, Lady Human. I am glad you enjoy my bulldog yelping.

Me:  Is that what you got out of what I said? A little barking, fine. That high pitched yelping, not fine. Why do none of the others sound like that when they get excited?

Stella:  They’re just not gifted that way. Me? I’m a natural born opera…What do the humans call that?

Me:  Soprano.

Stella:  YESSSS…I OWN THE HIGH NOTE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is hot.

Me:  Yes, it is.

Stella:  How long is hot?

Me:  Hot is not a length. It is a range of temperatures. Around here, people start calling it hot when it gets to 98 degrees Fahrenheit and above.

Stella:  More human nonsense words. Does Fahrenheit mean hot?

Me:  It does when the thermometer reads 98 degrees.

Stella:  What is a thermometer?

Me:  It is a special device that reads temperature.

Stella:  Thermometers read?

Me:  Well, it is more accurate to say that humans read thermometers.

Stella:  So how long does the thermometer say it will be hot?

Me:  It doesn’t tell us that.

Stella:  Then what good are they? I don’t need a thermometer to say it is hot. I already know that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am NOT the queen of cats. What is wrong with MoonCat, Lady Human? I have hardly seen her all day.

Me:  All the rearranging and furniture moving has her freaked out. She is reestablishing her hiding places.

MoonCat:  Meow.

Stella:  Speak bulldog!

Me:  Or English. That would help me.

MoonCat:  Meow. Weird. Scared.

Me:  Aw, honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Stella:  See! I told you the room change was a bad idea. Even a cat knows that. And they don’t know anything.

Me:  Your food is in the same place. And your water. And we showed you where your box is. Nice and secluded and blocked from bulldog eyes and everything else bulldoggy.

MoonCat:  Meow. I am not sure…

Me:  Nothing in the kitchen changed. Nothing in the utility room changed. And the bulldogs…

MoonCat:  Nothing of the bulldogs changed.

Me:  True. They still bark. They still run around like crazy.

MoonCat:  Just like home. All right. I feel better now.

Stella:  We must not be doing our job.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. But apparently that does not matter to Lady Human and Tall Man. They just do what they want.

Me:  This will work out better. It is a better layout than we have been using.

Tiger:  Where is my crate? Where is my big comfy towel?

Me:  Right there. You are standing in it.

Tiger:  Oh. Okay. It looks different.

Me:  Yes, we moved it over three whole feet.

Miss Sweetie:  I have four feet. Where is my bed?

Me:  Over here. About four feet from where it was.

Wiggles:  This is awful. Or is it awesome?  I am confused.

Me:  Your bed is between Stella’s and Sweetie’s. And your big box bed is still where it always has been.

Doodlebug:  I AM FREAKED OUT!

Me:  I can tell. It may take a few days to get accustomed to it, but…

Stella:  Days? How about years? This is weird and terrible at the same time.

Me:  It will be easier to clean this way.

Stella:  CLEAN?  NOOOOOO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Hey! Cut if out! We’ve talked about this before.

Stella:  Talked about what? Boom!

Me:  That! Body slamming! Stop it!

Stella:  Not yet. It has not had its effect.

Me:  What effect?  Ticking me off?

Stella:  Nope. I don’t care about that. Your body is the wrong shape.

Me:  What?

Stella:  That part needs to be over there. Boom!  And those parts need to be here. Boom!

There! That’s better. Sweet dreams, Lady Human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Doodlebug has a potty mouth!

Me:  Do bulldogs talk ugly? I didn’t know that about you all.

Stella: Not words. He’s … you know…munching…

Me:  Oh, no! Not again! Doodlebug!

Doodlebug:  Hmmm?

Me:  You had stopped that.  Now you’re picking up that bad habit again. Why?

Doodlebug:  It’s so tempting.

Me:  Nobody else is tempted.

Doodlebug:  I am special.

Me:  I don’t see how doing that is special. I think it is gross. I guess I am going to have to follow you around.

Doodlebug:  That would spoil my fun.

Stella:  Your bad breath spoils everybody else’s breathing fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.