Author: H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Make it stop, Lady Human.

Sweetie: She can’t. The humans don’t know how to make it stop.

Me: Make what stop?

Doodlebug: The strange.

Me: The strange what?

Sweetie: The strange everything.

Me: Could you be a little more specific?

Doodlebug: The too cold weather.

Sweetie: The humans running around like mad cows.

Doodlebug: The weird little lights everywhere.

Sweetie: The humans running around like mad cows.

Me: You already said that.

Sweetie: That’s a big one. I don’t like mad cows.

Me: Listen. It won’t stay cold forever and cold is normal in winter. And the holidays will be over soon, so less craziness…

Sweetie: A likely story. Next you’ll tell us that cows are normal.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I have a complaint.

Sweetie: Stand in line! Lady Human, something is wrong. It is oh so cold IN THE HOUSE!

Doodlebug: Exactly! I know you humans do not manage the temperature outside very well, but at least inside it’s sometimes tolerable.

Me: Well, we’ve experienced something called an Arctic bomb cyclone.

Sweetie: I don’t care what it’s called. I call it stupid. Make it stop!

MoonCat: Meow!

Doodlebug: See! Even the cat says so and she never agrees with us on anything.

Me: The problem is that our central heating unit is not working right…

Sweetie: How come?

Me: I don’t know, but for the time being, we have our room heaters and we will make do.

Doodlebug: Make do? What is that? Yet another kind of human failure?

Me: Actually, it means we will get through this all right as uncomfortable as it may be for the short term.

Sweetie: Yep. Human failure.

Me: Hey, y’all did all right last night. You had your blankets and the little heater and I heard snoring all night long…

MoonCat: Meow. Make do.

Doodlebug: Bulldogs rule. We don’t “make do”. That’s for cats and humans.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug. King of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have a question.

Me: Nope. All questions postponed until tomorrow. Good night.

Doodlebug: I am the King. I cannot be postponed. My question is…

Me: Bedtime! No more questions! Good night!

Sweetie: But what about…

Me: Later!

MoonCat: Meow. Why does my water smell funny?

Me: Don’t know. Maybe your nose is working funny.

Sweetie: That was an answer, Lady Human. So my question is…

Me: Do you know what a snore is?

Doodlebug: Yes, of course.

Sweetie: Sure. We do it all the time.

Me: Snore.

Doodlebug: How come she gets to ask a question at bedtime?

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: So?

Doodlebug: The cat smells good.

Me: Yeah, I saw you all nose to nose.

Sweetie: It’s her food. I’ll have what she’s having.

Doodlebug: Me, too. Me first.

Me: No, you’ll have your regular food.

Sweetie: How come, Lady Human? Hers smells better.

Me: Nothing better. Just different. Of course, if you want to skip your teatime snack…

Doodlebug and Sweetie NOOO!

Sweetie: What would make you suggest such a terrible thing?

Doodlebug: Yeah, just because the cat’s breath smells delicious.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what’s that in your hand?

Me:  Nothing much.

Doodlebug:  Yes, it is. Put it down! That’s an order!

Me:  Oh, come on, boy. It’s just eyedrops. You’ve got some allergy goo in your right eye. You look like you’re winking.

Doodlebug:  Nobody touches the eyes. NOBODY! Not even me!

Me:  This doesn’t sting. The vet said this was the best stuff to use. It just takes a second….there…done.

Doodlebug:  Wait. That feels all right. My eye isn’t stuck in wink mode anymore. This is great! DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. I need to poop.

Me:  You just went out.

Doodlebug:  Things happen.

Sweetie:  I need to poop, too.

Me:  You just came back in as well. What did you two spend your time out there doing.

Doodlebug: Well, not pooping.

Sweetie: I think that would be obvious, Lady Human.

Me:  All right then. Go out again. Get your business done.

Doodlebug:  Hey, poop is a big deal.

Me:  Yep. For everyone.

Sweetie:  So special for humans that y’all dedicate special rooms for it INSIDE THE HOUSE! So unfair!

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.  Lady Human, my front paws look funny.

Me:  They look fine to me.

Doodlebug:  No, there was little white hairs all over them and they are supposed to be black like the rest of me.

Me:  Well, that’s not anything wrong. You’re just turning a bit gray.

Doodlebug:  But I don’t like it.

Me:  None of us really do. It’s an age thing. You’ve gotten to an age where some of your hair runs out of color and the hairs go white or gray.

Doodlebug:  But what about Sweetie?  We are the same age. Why isn’t she graying?

Me:  She may be, but since her head and body are white and brown, it just doesn’t show up as much as it does on you.

Sweetie:  Ha! Ha!

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie, why do you have to do that every time?

Sweetie:  What do I do every time? Breathe. Eat. Drink. Sleep.

Doodlebug:  No, how come you shake yourself all over every time you wake up from a nap? I don’t do that and I am the king. So I don’t see any reason why you should do it.

Sweetie:  Let’s see. Why do I shake myself all over after a nap? Well, number one, it makes me feel good, like everything is in place. Number two, it wakes my skin up. Number three, it clears my head and gets me to thinking.

Doodlebug:  Really? I didn’t think you did that.

Sweetie:  Oh, all the time, but not when I sleep. Number 4, it’s traditional and you don’t break with tradition lightly.

Me:  How did it become a tradition and not just a habit?

Sweetie:  You know. Lady Human. You do something and do something and do something and then it starts to be odd when you don’t and then it starts to mean something to you, and I shake myself off and that starts everything over again. It’s a new day. So now it’s a tradition. And don’t you dare tell me not to do it or I’ll start a new tradition like stepping on your toes.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Okay, Doodlebug! This is the second time I’ve found the cheese cracker box on the ground and this time the bag has been pulled out of it. Did you do this?

Doodlebug:  How dare you accuse the king of stealing cheese crackers! Kings do not steal crackers. They are offered crackers by their humble subjects which, by the way, you have not done for several days so if I had tried to sneak a snack, who could have blamed me?

Me: Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie:  Do I look as though I could have jumped up on the counter and knocked that cracker box down? Next candidate?

Me:  MoonCat?

MoonCat:  Meow.

Me:  You did this.

MoonCat:  Meow.

Me:  You’ve never even tasted a cheese cracker before.

MoonCat:  It was about time I did. Honorary bulldog, remember?

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldoggers. Lady Human, let’s dance!

Me:  I’m not very good at…

Doodlebug:  Aw, come on. It’s fun. Sidestep, front step, jump. Here, grab my feet. See, I can dance on two legs, too.

Me:  Dancing is not really my thing. Never has been.

Doodlebug:  Watch how I do this. Jump, jump, pull.  Jump, jump, pull. No, Lady Human, not like that. You are supposed to dance, not fall over.

Me:  Your dancing style is a little too heavy duty for me.

Doodlebug:  Bulldogs never do anything light duty.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Okay, settle down time. Come on, boy. Come on, Sweetie.

Doodlebug:  Nope. I’m fine right here.

Me:  No, you’re not.

Sweetie:  We just doing us, Lady Human.

Me:  You’re doing bulldoggery, which is ten times worse than being bulldoggy. Now come on in the other room.

Sweetie:  I think not. What are you doing now?

Me:  I’m trying to pick you up. It’s like wrestling an 80-pound concrete block.

Sweetie:  Cool!

Doodlebug:  Try to pick me up, Lady Human.

Me:  No, you’re a 75-pound rock. What’s going on?

MoonCat:  We are doing the bulldog thing.

Me:  You, too?

MoonCat:  Yep. Pack member. I have to start sometime.

Me:  Well, I guess I’ll just have to take these cheese crackers with me then…

Doodlebug:  What? Crackers? Wait for me!

Sweetie:  Crackers? Why didn’t you say so? Crackers change everything.

Doodlebug:  Okay, everybody. Bulldoggery is cancelled…well, postponed at least.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: What do you mean “king”? I don’t remember voting for you.

Doodlebug: No vote necessary. Facts are facts. I’m in charge of the pack which is everybody.

Me: Uh, beg to differ. Number one – I am in charge. Number two – I am not a bulldog, thus not a pack member.

Sweetie:  Awww, Lady Human, you are one of us even though you are not nearly as good-looking as we are, but you can’t help that, I know.

MoonCat: Meow. Me, too. Pack member.

Doodlebug: Yes, even though you are not now and never will be a true bulldog, join in.

Sweetie:  This is getting out of control. What next? Chickens? Monster lizards? Bugs?

Doodlebug:  Chickens…I dunno…maybe, but I definitely draw the pack membership line at bugs. They don’t listen to instructions, and they try to take over everything.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

     I have dreaded writing this post for a whole month. No, I have dreaded it longer than that, maybe for years.

     Stella passed away one month ago today. She went fast, quietly, in her sleep. Her legs were relaxed.

 Had she been standing, they would have been in a running position, the way they always looked when she would chase a squirrel.

     Later that day, I came across a cartoonish sketch I had made of her years ago in the same running pose. The caption read, “Flying Stella: I can’t feel my feet touching the ground.” And I realized that had become for her quite literally true. Fly, girl, fly. See you later.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. LADY HUMAN!

Me: What’s wrong?

Stella: It’s HORRIBLE! No, no, calm down, Lady Human!

Me: I’m not the one who needs calming down, girl. What’s the matter?

Stella: THAT! Shhh! Don’t let it hear you! It’s a MONSTER!!!

Me: Oh, it’s all right. That a Texas Spiny Lizard. She lives in the yard, has for quite a few months now. I call her Little Buddy. She eats bugs…

Stella: You’ve been letting a monster live here? Have you lost your mind?

Me: She may look like a dinosaur, but she won’t get any bigger than a foot long and she won’t hurt any of us. We aren’t bugs.

Stella: Speak for yourself! How do you know she won’t take one look at me and think ‘Oh, there’s a big fat bug for my supper. Let me take a chunk out of that.’ Hmmm?

Me: Well, for one thing, she’s already run off. Now, if she were 10 feet long and peaking over the fence, we might have cause for concern, but Little Buddy will never get anywhere near that big…

Stella: Lady Human, stop giving pet names to monsters! Unless that name is MONSTER!

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Me: Happy Birthday, girl! You are 9 years old today!

Stella: Does that mean I can drive a car?

Me: No. That’s not ever going to happen, no matter how old you are.

Stella: Unfair. I watched you the other day. It’s not so hard. Now that I’m 9, can I pick out my own food?

Me: No, I think we should stick with the healthy stuff you already eat.

Stella: So what good is it being 9 years old?

Me: Well, humans like to think that we are a year wiser.

Stella: Lady Human, you know as well as I do that humans are silly creatures who think all sorts of crazy things. Wiser? Where’s the evidence?

Now, let’s get down to birthday business and talk seriously about cheese and peanut butter crackers.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is being quiet. Too quiet. Swat a fly! Tell us to “cut it out!” Say something!

Me: Sorry, girl. I was just thinking about someone I used to know.

Stella: A human? Do I know them?

Me: No, he went away long before you came. I learned last night that he has passed away and he was a young man. I’m pondering.

Stella: Passed away like Wiggles passed away?

Me: Yeah.

Stella: Are you sad? You feel to me as though you are.

Me: Yeah, a little. Mainly over missed opportunities. It had been so long since I saw him or spoke with him and I thought my feelings now are silly at this point and don’t really matter. But I was reading about grief last night from a book by C.S. Lewis. He said, “Whatever is matters.” It helped me.

Stella: C.S. Lewis…was he a bulldog? He sounds like one.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and even I know it is not a day for sunbathing.

Miss Sweetie: But I want to.

Doodlebug: I never sunbath. It wastes valuable exploration time.

Me: There’s not going to be any of that either today.

Doodlebug and Sweetie: Awwww!

Me: Y’all, it’s headed for 108° this afternoon. Outdoor activities are curtailed.

MoonCat: I never sunbathe. I lounge indoors. Far more civilized.

Miss Sweetie: But what if my sun goes away?

Me: Not much chance of that happening this week.

Stella: Or ever again.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, blow on the air and make it cooler.

Me: That is not one of my gifts, girl.

Stella: Turn on the twirling thing then.

Me: It is on.

Stella: Don’t try to fool me. It is not going as fast as it can.

Me: Oh, all right. One more notch up. But don’t try to steal the covers if you chill down in the wee hours of the morning.

Stella: Wee hours? Is that why I have to get up to go outside and potty in the dark? Why didn’t you just tell me they were called that? That solves the mystery.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.