“Hello!”
“Stay grounded. You’re less likely to fall over.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – All Feet on the Ground
Paper Staring – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Psst, Doodle. What is Lady Human staring at?
Doodlebug: Nothing interesting. Something in one of those books you bumped into.
Sweetie: It looks like those little marks she scratches onto the poor blank paper, only neater.
Doodlebug: Why do humans spend so much time staring at little marks on paper? There are so many other things to stare at.
Sweetie: Like food.
Doodlebug: And more food.
MoonCat: Priorities.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Whistling Winds – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, someone is whistling loudly outside the window. It’s annoying when I’m trying to think my own thoughts. Make them stop.
Me: That’s the wind. A cold front is moving in.
Doodlebug: Why does it have to make so much noise? It’s bad enough that it’s made my nose cold.
Me: I don’t believe the wind did that on its own.
Sweetie: Cold or not, I prefer silence.
MoonCat: I prefer silence, too. From bulldogs, but I don’t get it. I simply cover my ears. That works for whistling winds, too.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Perk Up Your Ears – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Ears are important, Lady Human.
Me: Yes, they are. Not just having them, but using them.
Sweetie: Do you use your ears?
Me: Yes. A lot. Sometimes. Maybe not.
Doodlebug: Perk ’em up, ma’am. We have a list of demands.
MoonCat: Don’t perk ’em up too much. Bulldog demands can be long and extremely loud. In fact, I think I’ll tuck mine down.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Overstacked – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olded English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Run! Run! Run! Slide! Wee! Uh-oh. Clunk.
Me: Okay, that’s why no running in the house. All that stack of books knocked down. Are you alright?
Sweetie: Huh, yeah. What a mess! If that stack hadn’t been taller than me, well, it wouldn’t have been taller than me and wouldn’t have tumbled so far.
Doodlebug: Next time, try stacking a bunch of trash bags filled with yummy leftovers. They are softer and smell better.
MoonCat: How about next time, no running in the house! You might disturb the cat.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Clean Out Your Ears – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what silly thing do you have in mind?
Doodlebug: I spy with my little bulldog eye CLOTH AND EARDROPS!
Sweetie: What a wicked, sneaky plan! And we were peacefully minding our own business.
Me: Hey, maybe you’ll hear better with less gunk in your ears.
Sweetie: Nothing is that important to hear!
MoonCat: Now hear this! My ears are clean and fully functional. No further action is required.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Warm Towel Weather – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I hear the bathtub filling with water, Lady Human. You aren’t plotting to give us a bath, are you?
Doodlebug: An uncalled for, unnecessary bath?
Sweetie: In cold weather?
Doodlebug: On a chilly day?
Me: No, it’s not for y’all. I’ll just warm my towels and…
Sweetie: Warm?
Doodlebug: Towels?
MoonCat: I’ll take the warm towels, thank you. Throw away the bathtub. Its services are never required.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Fence Straddling
“Straddling a fence is never comfortable.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Noses in the Air – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, why are you pointing your nose toward the sky?
Me: I smell a slight scent on the air.
Doodlebug: Let me try. Mmmm, nope. Nothing.
Sweetie: Me neither. You smell it because you’re so tall.
Doodlebug: Let us climb on your shoulders so we can smell it, too.
Me: 160 pounds of bulldog. Not gonna happen.
MoonCat: Cats have advantages over bulldogs. We climb heights to thrust our noses in the air. No human boosters required.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Paper Scratching – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: That pointy stick in your hand is making that scratchy noise again, Lady Human.
Me: Yeah, that happens.
Doodlebug: Is the paper stuff itchy so you have to scratch it?
Me: Huh? No, paper isn’t alive. It has no feeling of its own.
Sweetie: So you make the stick mark it up so you will feel something.
Me: Well…I guess so. Pens don’t tell themselves what to write.
MoonCat: Poor old paper. It looked so nice and clean before all that scratching.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
In a Huff – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, why are you looking so grumpy dog?
Sweetie: How do the humans put it? I’m in a huff. In a snit. Ticked off. Pissed off. In a word, miffed.
Doodlebug: The humans must get that way a lot. They have so many words for it.
Me: But how come you’re in a bad mood?
Sweetie: How should I know? I just am! Is that all right with you? Don’t look at me!
Me: Okay. Been there and done that before. Take a nap. And here’s a treat.
MoonCat: Oh, fine! Reward the irritable! At least I have the courtesy to keep my huffiness to myself. Hey! Don’t look at me!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Sound Bulldog Advice – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, we know how to break your chocolate fixation. Every time you want to pick up a piece of chocolate, stop.
Me: Easily said. Not as easily done.
Doodlebug: Stop and turn around and go get us a treat instead.
Sweetie: And you never want to give us too many treats, do you? Even though there is no such thing as too many treats for bulldogs, so…
Doodlebug: You will stop thinking of your treats so much.
Sweetie: Because you don’t want us to get fat from too many treats, even though there is no such thing as too many treats for bulldogs.
Me: Hmmm. Practiced distraction. Redirection. It might work.
MoonCat: Good advice from bulldogs? Wonders never cease. Distract some cat treats my way while you’re at it.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldog Intervention – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, is that yet another chocolate bar you’re holding?
Sweetie: Tucked safely away in your front pocket with your floppy sleeve covering it?
Doodlebug: Hiding it from man and beast?
Me: Maybe.
Sweetie: Psst! Doodle, we could snatch it and bury it in the backyard. Then the ants could eat it and Lady Human would be saved.
Doodlebug: No, she’d worry that we had eaten it and we can’t have chocolate at all. But we could stare at her until she gets embarrassed.
Sweetie: She’s already embarrassed or she wouldn’t be hiding it.
MoonCat: No chocolate! Never! Sneaking rich treats? Shameful behavior. Unless, of course, it’s a sardine and I’m doing the sneaking. Then it’s perfectly justified.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Running Head Start – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: I’m going outside to feed the chickens. Give me and them about a running head start of about 10 seconds.
Sweetie: To start their heads? Don’t chickens run around with their heads on?
Doodlebug: It’s so they won’t get all scared by our big bulldog faces.
Sweetie: But why do you get a head start, Lady Human? Not fair! And what does “about 10 seconds” mean?
MoonCat: Continue discussing. Meanwhile, I’ll simply stay where I comfortably am, giving me a head start over bulldogs, chickens, and humans, as is my due.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Tiptoe
“Just don’t lean too far in any direction.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Curtain Call – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How come you do that every night with the parakeets’ cage, Lady Human?
Me: You mean why do I cover it and pull the curtain around it?
Doodlebug: They can’t see out. It’s completely black.
Me: That way they get uninterrupted sleep.
Sweetie: But we don’t have curtains.
Doodlebug: How are we going to get uninterrupted sleep?
Me: I believe you already have that figured out.
MoonCat: Yes, the deep resonant bulldog snores testify to it.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
What Are You Hiding? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what are you hiding behind your back?
Me: Hiding? Who says I’m hiding anything? Maybe my hand is just resting on my back.
Doodlebug: Then why does it smell like a treat?
Me: Okay, I confess to having a small chocolate bar, but y’all cannot have chocolate at all. I was trying to keep you from temptation.
Sweetie: Then who’s going to eat it?
Me: Well…
MoonCat: Rules for thee, but not for me, huh?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Noisy Night – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How come, Lady Human?
Me: Sounds like an open-ended question. How come what?
Sweetie: How come humans love to make loud, useless noises like they did again last night?
Doodlebug: Yeah. Blowing up parts of the sky. When we make noise, it’s because we want something like…you know, everything.
Sweetie: Even the chickens and the rooster have reasons for their loud, annoying clucking and crowing. But humans just make noise to make noise.
Me: I don’t know why. We do make a lot of unnecessary noises. I never thought about it before.
MoonCat: Hence it keeps happening.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Misbehavior – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, why do humans get to misbehave all the time? You don’t like it when we misbehave.
Me: So you’re admitting that y’all do misbehave.
Doodlebug: No.
Sweetie: I admit no such thing.
MoonCat: We have the right to remain silent.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
You’ve Got a Big Mouth – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: I can’t believe she said I’ve got a big mouth! I said nothing!
Sweetie: Who said that, Lady Human? You don’t have a big mouth at all. It’s really tiny.
Me: Humans say that when they think somebody is talking about them. Size is not the issue.
Doodlebug: I beg to differ, ma’am.
Sweetie: When it comes to mouths, size is always the issue.
MoonCat: Bulldogs would know.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 