Eat Out of Your Own Bowl – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Whoa! Hold up there, Sweetie! What are you doing with my bowl?

Sweetie: I’m just checking to make sure you aren’t wasting any food. Nope. Looks like you licked it clean. Too bad.

Doodlebug: Everyone keep their noses and mouths in their own bowls. That is a royal order.

MoonCat: Meow. My nose pretty much has to go where my mouth does. Now with your big ole bulldog faces, you all may be able to eat out of more than one bowl at the same time.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Special Footwear – Conversations with Sweetie

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Sweetie: What is that clunky sound when I walk?

Me: Uh, don’t you know?

Sweetie: Why would I ask or look confused if I knew?

Me: You are wearing your empty metal food bowl on your foot like a shoe, which it is not.

Sweetie: You wear things on your feet.

Me: I wear shoes that are meant to be worn on my feet.

Sweetue: Well, my food bowl is meant to have food in it which it does not. Hint. Hint.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Battle Plans – Conversation with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: All right. Go ahead and tell me. What are you all whispering about?

Sweetie: Not a thing.

Doodlebug: What whispering?

MoonCat: They are planning to take away the mop the next time Tall Man pulls it out.

Doodlebug: Treason!

Sweetie: Turncoat!

Mooncat: I am not a bulldog as you are so quick to remind me. Therefore, Doodlebug is not my king and no treason is involved. End of discussion!

Me: So what was your plan? Emphasis on the was.

Doodlebug: A good leader never divulges battle plans against mops and brooms.

Sweetie: Especially when the plans are stupid and not likely to work.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bed Shuffle – Part 3 – Conversations with Doodlebug

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, something strange has happened to my bed…again. Someone sneaked a new pad in while I was minding my own business outside.

Me: I did that. Sweetie has a new one, too. And MoonCat. I figured a little extra padding is never a bad thing, especially with winter on its way. Look! Sweetie and MoonCat are already snoring on theirs.

Doodlebug: So you think it is okay if I touch mine? I mean, I still have the old one. I found out that it wouldn’t swallow my feet.

Me: This one won’t either.

Doodlebug: Are you sure?

Me: Yep. Just chalk it up to human intuition. You’ll be fine.

Doodlebug: Based on y’all’s track record, I don’t chalk much good up to human intuition at all.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldogs in the Sky! – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where is that growling coming from? Someone is treading on my domain!

Sweetie: Take charge, Lady Human! Strange bulldogs are barking in the sky!

MoonCat: Meow! Oh, no! Now they’re coming from all directions!

Doodlebug: Let me at ’em! I’ll deal with them! Nobody threatens my family!

Me: Everybody just simmer down. There are no bulldogs in the sky.

Sweetie: Of course there are! I can hear them. Bulldog grumbling has a certain sound like nothing else.

Me: Yes, but what you hear is rolling thunder.

Sweetie: Exactly! The thunder of a million bulldogs running toward us.

Me: Take a glance outside. What do you see?

Doodlebug: Uh, sky water.

Me: Yes, rain. Only rain.

Sweetie: I hate sky water. I’ll take a sky bulldog pack anytime.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Show Me Some Respect – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Whatever.

MoonCat: Meow. What are we supposed to do? Bow?

Doodlebug: That would be a start.

Sweetie: Lady Human! Doodle wants us to bow to him! Please make this stop!

Me: Mmmm. Bowing to a bulldog? Nope.

Doodlebug: But I am the strongest thing in the room. And I am the King. You should at least call me ‘Sir’.

Me: How come?

Doodlebug: All I have to do is bark and everybody stops what they are doing to see why. I have all my meals served to me. I don’t have to do anything…

Sweetie: He may have a point.

Doodlebug: And I get to use the bathroom anywhere, anytime.

Me: Whoa! Hold up there, boy! Even kings have limits.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Breakfast Call – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s going on?

MoonCat: Meow. Bark. Go on! Bark!

Doodlebug: Oh, all right. If you say so.

Me: What is going on here?

MoonCat: Meow. Time for breakfast. Hurry along.

Me: It’s not even light yet.

MoonCat: Meow. What’s light got to do with anything? This is breakfast call.

Sweetie: What’s all the ruckus?

Me: MoonCat is calling for breakfast.

Sweetie: Number one – she’s not a bulldog, so she doesn’t get to say when breakfast is. Number two – It’s still dark. Number 3 – well, I’ve forgotten Number 3. I’m going back to sleep.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Too Quiet – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie! What is Lady Human doing?

Sweetie: Shhhh! She is reading. Whatever that is.

Doodlebug: She is being too quiet. That is never a good sign with humans. It usually means that they are up to no good.

Sweetie: I know. She’s been at this reading thing quite awhile now. Very ominous.

Doodlebug: MoonCat! Go walk on her. That should break it up.

MoonCat: Meow. Nonsense. I only walk on humans on my own terms.

Sweetie: She is all bent over. Maybe she is stuck. Let’s start a commotion.

Me: Hey, what’s all the commotion?

Doodlebug: Phew! What a relief! You’re alive. We thought your brain had been eaten by that big stack of paper.

Sweetie: Yeah. It turns out you were only doing what all humans do – wasting time.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Just Back Up – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, we have a problem.

Sweetie: Uh-oh!

Me: I’m hearing that word a little too often.

Sweetie: Tappy the Chicken is stuck between the gate and the door! She walked in, but she can’t turn around.

Doodlebug: Chickens are so stupid.

MoonCat: Meow. Bulldogs should be careful about who they call stupid.

Sweetie: Help, Lady Human! She’s hopelessly trapped!

Me: Not hopelessly. She just needs to back up. Sometimes a few steps back is all it takes. I’ll be there in a second.

Doodlebug: Never mind! She backed out. Dumb chicken.

MoonCat: Meow. One wonders how long it would have taken a bulldog to figure that one out.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Big No-no! – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Uh-oh. Lady Human, I just want to make it clear that I had absolutely nothing to do with the big…puddle on the floor.

Me: Uh, Doodlebug! What happened here?

Doodlebug: Nothing. Well, something, but it’s really nothing.

Me: You peed on the floor.

Doodlebug: It was an accident. I was aiming for that big bag and I missed.

Me: This is not like you. And thankfully, that bag is waterproof because it has your food in it.

Sweetie: Doodle! You tried to pee on our food?

Doodlebug: I was just leaving my royal mark. Hey, the cat gets to pee in the house.

MoonCat: Meow. Pardon me, but I have my own private restroom. I am not a barbarian.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Hand Warming – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where did your paws go, Lady Human?

Sweetie: Yeah, did you lose them in the backyard? Let’s go look! I can sniff ’em out!

Me: No, it’s all right. I’ve just tucked them under my arms to keep them warm. And we call them “hands”, not paws.

Doodlebug: Same difference.

Me: Not exactly. Hey, MoonCat! You’ve tucked your hands…well, paws, too. That’s so cute.

MoonCat: Meow. If it’s good enough for human paws, it’s good enough for cat paws.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Watched Pots – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where is Lady Human?

Sweetie: She’s here in the food room, staring at a pot.

Doodlebug: Did the pot ask to be stared at?

Sweetie: Yeah, is it that good-looking, ma’am? Is it better looking than I am? ‘Cuz I don’t think so.

Me: No, I’m just heating some water to make tea.

Doodlebug: Does staring at it help?

Me: No, in fact, there’s an old saying about watched pots never boiling and…

Sweetie: Then stop it right now!

MoonCat: Yes, because I’m staring at my empty food bowl and it’s still not filling up.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Tyranny of the Clock – Part 2 – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Lady Human, you all have fouled things up again.

Me: Whatever do you mean?

MoonCat: Meow. Dinnertime. Late. Fix it. Now.

Me: Well, I’ve been going by the time change, so, yes, I guess mealtimes seem late the last few days.

Doodlebug: Seem? There’s no seem about it. Where’s the food?

Me: Since it’s been getting a little darker earlier and the time changed, you all have been eating at different times so…

Sweetie: I’m not talking about what WE have been doing. I’m talking about what YOU have been doing. How come meals are late?

MoonCat: Meow. We have been patient.

Sweetie: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You humans have been fooling around with the sun again. Telling us when it will rise and when it will set.

Doodlebug: Yeah, as though you know!

MoonCat: I know this. Hungry. Food. Give it. NOW!

Outright 2023 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bed Shuffle – Part 2 – Conversations with Doodlebug

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Have you reconsidered your hesitancy about your new sleeping pad?

Doodlebug: Does hesitancy mean fear?

Me: Sometimes. But it can also mean caution. Maybe if you would just try it…

Doodlebug: So it could swallow me up and suck me into a cave in the ground? NO! THANK YOU!

Me: Once again, allow me to say, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!

Doodlebug: We shall see.

Me: Yes, we certainly shall. Meanwhile…

Doodlebug: Meanwhile, since you went to all the trouble to get it for me, I will politely place one paw on the edge of it. Just one. Just on the edge.

Me: That’s all I ask. Just try it. You’ll like it.

Doodlebug: We shall see. But if it grabs my foot, we shall see a new sleeping pad torn into tiny little pieces as it so richly deserves.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Chicken Sitting – Conversations with Sweetie

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Sweetie: Lady Human! I have a new friend.

Me: I saw that.

Sweetie: She is really nice and friendly and not scared of my big ole bulldog face at all. And she didn’t say anything. Nice and quiet.

Me: Yeah. She just stood right by you the whole time you sat in the patio. Kind of strange for a chicken.

Sweetie: What chicken?

Me: Your new patio friend. She’s a chicken. Remember. We talked about chickens. The birds that have wings, but they only flap and don’t fly.

Sweetie: She doesn’t fly away and she doesn’t talk. Perfect in every way.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bed Shuffle – Conversations with the Pack

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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Uh-oh!

Sweetie: “Uh-oh” is right! This is most distressing! Lady Human! Something unidentified has showed up in our sleep spaces!

Me: Yeah! Great, right?

Doodlebug: That’s not what I would call them.

Sweetie: What do we call them?

MoonCat: I would call them new sleep cushions. Anyone would call them that. Ugh. Dogs are so dumb.

Me: Yeah. For extra padding and insulation now that it’s started to get cooler.

Doodlebug: Doesn’t smell like me.

Me: Well, not yet, but give it 5 seconds.

Sweetie: I’m not sure. I think it makes me itchy.

Me: It’s brand new. Nobody’s ever used them before. Oh, Doodlebug, you aren’t even trying yours.

Doodlebug: I trust the floor. It won’t swallow me up and fly me away while I’m asleep.

Me: The pad won’t either. That could never happen.

Sweetie: Says the human, and we all know how smart they are.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.