I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, those tiny chickens in the house…
Me: Parakeets.
Sweetie: Yeah, if you say so. Anyway, they talk funny. I can’t understand them. Teach them to talk in bulldog.
MoonCat: Oh, yes, please, like that will make everything plain.
Copyright 2024. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, there are two tiny chickens in our house.
Me: Not chickens. Parakeets.
Sweetie: I think what Doodle means is, THERE ARE BIRDS IN OUR HOUSE! You have always said that birds do not belong in the house.
Me: No, I said chickens don’t belong in the house. These are parakeets. They are a gift to me from Tall Man.
MoonCat: If they don’t bother me, I won’t bother them. Deal? Deal.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What’s that smell?
Sweetie: What smell? I don’t smell a smell.
MoonCat: Don’t ask a bulldog, Lady Human. Their noses are stunted.
Me: If I can smell that, surely a dog can.
Doodlebug: Are you insulting our nasal capabilities?
Sweetie: How rude!
Me: Forgive me. I’ll just go ask a bloodhound for an opinion, shall I? If I can find one.
Sweetie: We can’t help it that you sniff better than we do.
Doodlebug: Yeah, we are simple bulldogs. Not everybody can have a big ole long pointy nose like yours, ma’am.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Uh-oh. Something’s wrong with Lady Human. She’s holding her head and shaking it back and forth.
MoonCat: Is it something I can solve? Cats are great at solving problems and fixing stuff, no matter how badly humans foul things up.
Me: No. It’s just a regular everyday human mess. Confusion. And I’m a little tired. Sometimes I just want a simpler life. Like a bulldog. A simple bulldog life.
Doodlebug: A simple bulldog life? Huh?
Sweetie: Have you been paying attention, Lady Human? You call bulldog lives simple? Somebody get the human one of those word books they call a dictionary. We’ll see who’s simple.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Where are they, Lady Human?
Doodlebug: Yeah, I’ve been wondering that, too.
Me: Be a little more specific, guys. Where are what?
Sweetie: My cushy baby blanket – the one you used for your babies way back when, my soft purple dinosaur…
Doodlebug: My blue blanket, my green blanket, my white sleeping pad, my other green blanket, my other blue blanket…
Sweetie: My tiny little blankets that I pile up in the corner, my big blankets that I pile up in the corner…
Me: They are drying. I had to wash them. No choice.
Doodlebug: How can we be expected to survive without our softies?
MoonCat: As usual, cats have the advantage. Find a human. Find the humans’ softest furniture. Presto! Good old softies at your service.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, we have a problem. That large bird is walking around outside, shooting his mouth off again. I told him to stop, but he ignored my royal authority.
Sweetie: Ma’am, how can you complain about loud mouthery from bulldogs when that loud mouthery is going on from a bird of all things? We are not nearly so irritating.
MoonCat: Loud mouthery? That has to be a bulldog invention. They are the experts in the field of loud and mouths.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why is your face all droopy, Lady Human?
Sweetie: Yeah, you look like a bulldog.
Me: Oh, it’s silly.
MoonCat: So you are a bulldog.
Me: Well, no, but I just had a picture taken yesterday and I saw wrinkles on my face I never knew were there before.
Doodlebug: Oh, is that all?
Sweetie: We do that all the time. Join our club.
MoonCat: No, don’t, Lady Human. Have you seen the rest of them?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what do humans do when they have a problem?
Me: Depends on the type of problem.
Sweetie: He just wants to complain because I borrowed his dumb ole chew stick.
Doodlebug: It’s not dumb! It’s the best chew stick in the world. And it’s MINE!
Sweetie: Yeah, well, you can keep your ole chew stick then. It tastes nasty anyway, just like you.
Me: Okay! Sweetie, over there! Doodlebug, here’s your chew toy! Sit over there!
Doodlebug: Ew! It’s got her spit on it!
Me: I’ve never known you to be so particular before.
MoonCat: Lady Human, go back to your forever mysterious human activities. I declare the Complaint Department closed…until I have a complaint.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, what’s all the noise about?
Sweetie: How rude! It’s not noise. It’s a song of our people.
Me: No, it’s not. It’s noise. There are songs and there is music, but sometimes noise is just noise.
MoonCat: And the truly intelligent can tell the difference which is why I am going to another room.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Excuse me, Sweetie. Move, please.
Sweetie: No, Lady Human, you move.
Me: No, YOU MOVE.
Sweetie: NO, YOU!
Me: NO, YOU!
Sweetie: NO, YOU!
MoonCat: Excuse me while I withdraw to a quieter bulldog/human-free area.
Doodlebug: Hey, I want to play. MOVE!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie, look out behind you! She’s got nail clippers!
Sweetie: Lady Human, were you sneaking up on me with nail clippers?
Me: Who? Me? Why would I do something like that?
MoonCat: Because humans are sneaky, but not being cats, they aren’t very good at it.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what you are doing is weird, even for a human.
Sweetie: Stop that! You are walking, but not going anywhere. That’s unnatural and not bulldoggy at all.
Me: Well, I’m not a bulldog. And this is an elliptical. It’s an exercise machine.
MoonCat: Steer clear of the monster’s metal legs, y’all. I’m parking myself way out of reach.
Me: What’s the matter? This thing doesn’t move unless I move it.
Sweetie: How come you are walking and not going anywhere?
Doodlebug: Yeah, why not just walk like yourself? Or like us?
Sweetie: Enough fake walking. Stop it, Lady Human. Go back to normal…if that is even something you ever were.
Doodlebug (whispering): What was that about? Walking without going anywhere.
Sweetie: Yeah, next thing you know, humans will climb into a metal box with wings and try to fly like a bird.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: It’s Fall!
MoonCat: Fall? What fell? I didn’t do it.
Sweetie: Are you sure, Lady Human? I didn’t hear anything fall.
Me: No, this is Fall, the season. You know. Autumn!
Doodlebug: Please make up your mind, ma’am.
Sweetie: Yeah. What fell?
Me: Nothing yet, but by tomorrow, the temperature will. 95° high today, high of 84° tomorrow.
Sweetie: Said the human in her mysterious language.
Me: Cooler! Fall means cooler.
Doodlebug: Why call it “Fall” then? Why not just call it “Cooler” or “Not so Hot”?
Sweetie: Humans never think things through.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Sweetie has placed her posterior in your softie chair.
Me: I noticed that. It’s been quite a while. I figured it was just to hot yet.
Sweetie: Yes, it’s still too hot, but I needed to survey my kingdom from a high spot.
MoonCat: Uh-oh, I feel a debate coming on.
Doodlebug: What do you mean your kingdom? It’s MY kingdom! I am the King! Just because I don’t choose to sit in a fancy human chair…
Me: Yeah, I never see you trying to sit on a chair.
Doodlebug: They are too confining.
Sweetie: What he means is that his posterior is too big.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie? Sweetie?
Sweetie: Huh?
Me: You look like you’re asleep sitting up. Some of my friends would call you knackered.
Sweetie: What do you call me?
Me: Dog-tired.
Sweetie: Nope. Can’t just be dog-tired. I have to be bulldog-tired. We always do everything better. Now pardon me while I sleep sitting up just to prove I can.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Old English Bulldogges. Where is supper, Lady Human?
Me: Coming…There! How’s that look?
Sweetie: That’s wrong!
Doodlebug: Yeah, where’s the good stuff?
Me: That is good stuff.
Sweetie: No. No. No. Where’s the good stuff! You know. The GOOD STUFF!
Me: I don’t have any of the canned meat today, if that’s what you mean.
Doodlebug: MoonCat is getting some!
Me: MoonCat is getting cat food made for cats.
Sweetie: Yeah, but it smells wonderfully stinky and it’s in a can so why not let us try it?
Me: Nope. Let’s not cross that line.
Doodlebug: Not fair.
MoonCat: Eminently fair. And delicious. AND FOR CATS. Some lines should never be crossed.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Okay, when is it? When is it? When is it?
Me: When is what?
Sweetie: The special teatime you keep talking about. We’re ready.
Me: Oh, that’s just a human thing.
Doodlebug: Oh, no. Bait and switch, everybody!
Me: No, not ‘bait and switch’. You have your afternoon food. I have mine.
Sweetie: Yeah, hmmpphh. You get the good stuff.
MoonCat: No, I think, if you pay attention, you’ll see that Lady Human and I both get the good stuff. I’m glad that’s settled.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie? Why haven’t you eaten your food?
Sweetie: I can’t. There’s a bug on my bowl.
Me: Oh, it’s just a fly. Shoo it off.
Sweetie: Do you eat food that a fly has sat on?
Me: As a matter of fact…
Sweetie: Ooo! Don’t tell me!
Me: Look. A fly wouldn’t stand a chance of sitting on your bowl if your big ole bulldog mouth would eat when your food is set down and not hours later.
Sweetie: There’s just no telling where its feet have been.
MoonCat: No doubt all the same places your feet have been.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Where’s Sweetie?
Sweetie: Nowhere in particular.
MoonCat: Check behind the couch. Follow the sound of scraping.
Me: Sweetie?
Sweetie: Nope, nothing back here but…well, nothing.
Me: Sweetie! You’ve got my little fan’s electric cord tangled around your feet.
Sweetie: Oh, is that what that is? How did that get there?
Doodlebug: Well, you know how. You started playing with it and wound it around you.
Me: I don’t care about the fan, but I don’t want you to get hurt, so here goes the fan, off by itself where no one can get tangled in it.
Sweetie: Oh, pooh! It was my best friend when it blew on me.
Me: But it can’t blow when the cord is unplugged.
Sweetie: Well, just plug it back in over here where all these other electric plug and electric strings are.
Me: Nope. That is all going away. Safety first.
Sweetie: What’s second? Is second fun?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What is that awful noise? Lady Human, I blame you!
Me: Yeah, it’s me. Sorry. I’m gagging on a lot of allergy drainage.
Doodlebug: Oh, yeah, we’ve done that before, too.
MoonCat: Not me. I’ve never made annoying sounds.
Doodlebug: Take some of those tiny pink treats you gave us.
Me: The medicine? I have. It’ll just take a little time.
Sweetie: Nope! All gagging stops now! Bulldog order! It’s naptime!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 