Author: H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hurry, Lady Human! Stella to the rescue! A bulldog is screaming from down the hall!

Me:  Nope. Not screaming and not a bulldog. It’s delighted screeching and…

Stella:  It’s the little human! Yay! But why is she screeching like a bulldog?

Me:  Bulldogs don’t screech. You all grunt and moan and ruffle your lips and bark and howl, but I’ve never heard a single one of you screech.

Stella: I beg to differ. I should know what sounds bulldogs make. And I say that the little human is so loud a screecher that she makes an admirable bulldog.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. A little help here, Lady Human!

Me:  What do you need?

Stella:  I am here, and I need to get in there. Why do humans make things so difficult?

Me:  Doors are reasonable barriers.

Stella:  Doors are fine. It’s the doorknobs I object to. I don’t have those very convenient longs fingers you have.

Me:  I’m honestly glad you were not so equipped. We’d have all sorts of knobs being turned around here if you all had hands. 

Stella: A bulldog can dream.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Time to come in! Rain is on its way!

Wiggles: I’m not sure about that.

Me: Well then, come in because I say so.

Stella: What will you give us?

Me:  A dry place inside.

Miss Sweetie:  What about me? I’m already inside.

Doodlebug:  Yeah, I’ve already got a dry place. I want more.

Me:  Why do I have to bribe you to do what you ought to do?

Stella:  Don’t call it ‘bribery’. Call it a bulldog incentive.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I smell good. Sweetie, on the other hand…

Miss Sweetie:  My nose works fine. It’s just stubby, that’s all.

Stella:  I don’t mean how your nose works. I mean you stink.

Miss Sweetie:  Awwww.

Me:  Don’t worry, Sweetie. You smell like a classic wet dog.

Miss Sweetie:  I couldn’t help it, Lady Human.  The rain and the water were everywhere outside, and my feet and my tummy got wet…

Me:  It’s all right, girl. You’ll dry out.

Stella:  Meanwhile, “Wet Dog” is the only bulldog perfume we’ll be wearing in here.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what are you hiding?

Me: I’m not hiding anything.

Stella:  I smell crackers. Cheese. And peanut butter. Yep. Crackers.

Me: I think you’re scenting a memory.

Stella:  Show me your hands, ma’am.

Me:  Like I’m a cheating faro dealer in the Old West?

Stella:  If a faro dealer cheated by hiding crackers, yup..

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Move over, please.

Stella:  Nope. Can’t do it.

Me:  Stella, come on.

Stella:  Nope. My body is in a nice rut in the bed and the blanket is perfectly positioned under my body. I am set.

Me:  Well, I’m not and I would like to be so roll over.

Stella:  Just find yourself a spot and scrunch up…hey, what’s happening?

Me:  The vet said you have gained two pounds since last time. And boy, am I feeling it. You’re like a giant log, a huge boulder, a gigantic…

Stella:  Are you calling me fat? Why, thank you!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Humaaannn!  Sweetie is sitting in rainwater! She is making a messss!

Me:  Sweetie, isn’t it a little cool for an outdoor bath?

Miss Sweetie:  Nope.

Stella:  It’s rainwater, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:  Yep. It fell from the sky and filled my puppy pool because the Great Creator wanted me to take a bath. He enjoys clean dogs.

Me:  I don’t doubt that. But is cold rainwater all that comfortable to sit in?

Miss Sweetie:  I have a hot body, so I warm it up pretty quick. How do I smell now?

Stella:  Like a wet dog. And that is the honest opinion of a dog.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And I’m all shook up! But not in a good way! Lady Human! Are you trying to blow up the house?

Me:  No! Of course not! That was very close lightning causing big time thunder.

Wiggles:  Sounded like something a human would do!

Miss Sweetie:  Yeah, Lady Human, no fair! Cut it out!

Doodlebug:  Who interrupted my nap? Is it suppertime yet?

Stella:  The windows rattled, Lady Human! The windows! Rattled!

Me:  Yeah, all of them. Tall Man heard it, too.

Wiggles:  Why aren’t you upset, Lady Human?

Me:  No harm. No foul.

Miss Sweetie:  My ears are scared now.

Stella:  Will it happen again?

Me:  Not today. The storm has passed.

Stella:  Will it ever happen again?

Me:  I don’t know.

Stella:  And why is that? What about calling that man who came here when the big tree laid down on the house?

Me:  The insurance adjuster. He can’t stop storms or lightning or thunder.

Stella:  Then that’s not very good insurance, is it?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Unfair! Always unfair!

Me:  What is unfair now?

Stella:  You are always taking Doodlebug on fun trips.

Me:  Doodlebug, did you and I go on a fun trip the other day?

Doodlebug:  Nope.

Me:  Where did we go?

Doodlebug:  To a scary place that smelled funny and where humans poked me with tiny sharp sticks.

Me:  And did I get to go in with you?

Doodlebug:  Nope, and that made it even scarier.

Me:  Can you guess where we were, Stella?

Stella:  The white coat place.

Me:  The vets, yes. And out of caution over Covid, they would not let me come into the office, so Doodlebug had to go in by himself. And the sharp sticks were needles.

Stella:  How horrible! I’m sorry, Doodle. So when do I get to go on one of those fun trips?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Keep the door locked! Don’t go outside!

Me:  What? Why?

Stella:  The bug face people are coming.

Me:  Uh-oh! What’s going on in your head?

Stella:  It’s not my head that’s the issue! It is the bug face people’s heads.

Me:  Who are these bug face people you’re talking about?

Stella:  I saw them on the Picture Box. You know. You were watching them.

Me:  You hate the Picture Box. When did this happen?

Stella:  I hate the giant Picture Box. You were watching the littler Picture Box.

Me:  Oh, that! Those weren’t bug face people.

Stella:  Don’t tell me about bug faces. I know what bug faces look like.

Me: What you saw were astronauts. They were wearing helmets.

Stella:  I don’t know what astronuts are. Sounds like they belong in trees with the squirrels. And why would a human wear a bug face? Sounds like a human plot to scare dogs.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Okay, we’re getting outdoor stuff done a little early this evening.

Stella:  How come?

Me:  There’s a mammatus sky overhead and some weather is predicted.

Stella:  A tomato sky? How did tomatoes get in the sky? And why do I care? I don’t eat tomatoes anyway.

Me:  Not tomato. Mammatus.

Stella:  Mama?

Me:  Actually, that’s not too far off. It doesn’t always mean bad weather, but it usually does signal turbulence aloft.

Stella:  Where is a loft?

Me:  Way up in the air.

Stella:  Is this one of those times we should ask the Great Creator for help?

Me:  We should always do that anyway.

Stella:  Okay. I’ll start. You finish. And Lady Human…

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  Thank you for always making sure to check the sky and that we are inside when we need to be.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The sky will always be gray from now on. The sun has moved away and left us.

Me: No, it hasn’t.

Wiggles:  It has been days and days and days on end since it has even peeked at us. It ran away, Lady Human. It didn’t like us as much as we liked it.

Me:  There has just been a lot of cloud cover and rain lately.

Miss Sweetie:  Why didn’t the sun like us enough to stay? How come it ran off?

Me:  The sun has not run off…

Doodlebug: I think the sun is scared and is hiding.

Stella:  What ever could the sun be scared of? It is a big fiery ball in the sky. Wait! What’s that?

Me:  It is the sun shining through. The clouds are breaking. The sun has been there the whole time. We just couldn’t see it down here.

Stella:  A likely story! How about when it hides every night? Where does it go then, huh?

Me: Actually, it is still in place. We are the ones that move.

Stella: You just make up wilder and wilder stories, Lady Human. I am here every night and I don’t move. I have seen the sun running away and hiding. But I guess even the sun deserves a break.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  And an expert cracker thief.

Stella:  How dare you? What crackers? Where? Here? Now? Lady Human, are you holding out on me?

Me:  I am just getting them ready to hand out.

Wiggles:  What are you doing?

Me:  Breaking them in half.

Stella:  Let me see! Her piece is bigger!

Wiggles:  No, it’s not! Your piece is bigger! Not fair!

Me:  Okay, fine. One whole cracker each.

Wiggles:  Let me see! Her whole cracker is bigger!

Me:  No, look. See? The same size, one on top of the other.

Wiggles: (snatch) Mmmm.

Stella:  She got both!

Me:  I’ll find two for you.

Wiggles: Who’s the expert cracker thief now?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Who made this mess? Wiggles?

Wiggles: Not me and so what if I did?

Stella:  Nothing. Nothing. Not a big deal. Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:  Nope. Those footprints are even bigger than mine.

Stella:  Doodlebug?

Doodlebug:  Look at my paws. Clean! I rest my case.

Stella:  Well, I didn’t track an ocean of mud into our precious house. That can only mean one thing…Lady Human!

Me:  Yeah?

Stella:  Stinky mud is all over the floor.

Me:  Yeah.

Stella:  Is that all you have to say?

Me:  Yeah.

Stella:  Well…all right…You sound so much like a bulldog, I can’t stay mad at you. Now clean it up!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Stella? What are you staring at?

Stella:  You.

Me:  Why?

Stella:  Just wondering.

Me:  About what?

Stella:  What’s that funny thing you have? A special stick?

Me:  This spoon? It helps me to eat.

Stella:  You eat weird. Dogs know how to eat. Just stick your mouth and shovel it in. That’s why the Great Creator made tongues. It’s simple. It saves time. And you don’t need a shovel on a stick.

Me:  I think I’ll keep on using spoons.

Stella:  Fine with me, Lady Human. Disregard sound bulldog advice at your peril.

Me:  Ouch!

Stella:  What happened?

Me:  I stuck my gum with the spoon.

Stella: Just as I thought. Humans are dangerous to themselves when they eat. You won’t ever catch a bulldog doing that.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sadly, I must report that Lady Human has taken on some very squirrel-like behaviors and we are all very concerned that we may soon have to chase her out of the yard.

Me:  Yeah, like that’s going to work. I’d just like to see you try.

Stella:  No, you wouldn’t.

Me:  You’re probably right.

Stella:  Are you feeling well, ma’am?

Me:  Yes. I’m fine.

Stella:  Then why are you acting so like a squirrel? That is not normal for a human.

Me:  If you mean the digging, I am trying to renew our vegetable garden. We can grow vegetables for food the way we did a long time ago.

Stella:  That sounds insane.

Me:  No, really, people used to grow a lot of their food.

Stella:  What I mean is why would anyone want to eat vegetables. Yuck.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ruff…RUFF.RUFF RUFF…WOW WOW WOW!

Me:  Stella, hon!

Stella:  What? You called me ‘hon’. You never call anyone that unless they’re in trouble. How could I get in trouble? I was asleep.

Me:  You’re not in trouble, but you were dreaming again. And loudly. You woke me up.

Stella:  Is that all?

Me:  It was enough. How come you’re dreaming so actively this last little while?

Stella:  I have a great imagination. What else am I supposed to do?

Me:  Has something bothered you lately?

Stella:  No…well, not much. Maybe the Big Freeze with snow that swallowed our feet and turned yellow.

Me:  Turned yellow?

Stella:  Yeah, when we peed on it. The ground doesn’t do that. Just that weird, cold snow stuff.

Me:  It’s over now. Maybe try to calm down a little more before you go to sleep.

Stella:  Forget it, Lady Human. You’re cramping my style.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My head is important to me. I like it when my head is comforted. When it is comforted, the rest of me feels better, too. And my head is big, so big that it easily makes a space in the blanket for it to stick out.

Me:  Well, thank you for sharing.

Stella:  Hint. Hint.

Me:  Okay, right now I’m trying to do something else with that hand so…

Stella:  Bump. Bump. Hint. Hint.

Me:  One quick head rub then.

Stella:  Ehhh! Inadequate. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English…snore…

Wiggles: Quiet. Can’t you see? I’m trying to…snore…

Stella:  My turn…snore…

Wiggles:  Snore.

Me:  Wow. Y’all are like a bulldog symphony.

Stella:  What? Snore…

Wiggles:  What did you say? Snore…

Me:  Nevermind. Just go on with what you’re doing.

Stella:  We…snore…

Wiggles:  Will…snore…

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has a bad habit.

Me:  Only one?

Stella:  No, but I am too tired to talk about more than one.

Me:  All right then. What is my failing today?

Wiggles:  You stay up too late. When you should be asleep, you are punching that little black box with your fingers and looking at talking pictures or listening to weird music.

Me:  Yeah, but I wear earphones for the music, so…

Wiggles:  Uh, sensitive dog ears.

Stella:  Uh-huh. Can’t fool us. We know what you’re doing.

Me:  Listen. Y’all can go on to sleep any time you want to. I like to wind down first.

Stella:  Did you get away with this sort of thing when you were a puppy?

Me:  I am a human. I was never a puppy.

Stella:  I can tell. Puppies have better sense than to stay up late when they could be sleeping. IiAlways be sleeping!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.