H.J. Hill

Bulldog Demands – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 4, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As representative of the pack, I have certain demands, Lady Human.

Me: Oh, boy, here we go.

Stella: First, more meals.

Me: You each get three meals a day. That is plenty. Anymore and you may bloat.

Stella: Also double the food at each meal.

Me: Your meals are carefully measured. Doubling your food will turn you all into tubbies that won’t be able to fit through the doors.

Stella: So what’s the problem?

Me: The answer is no. Is that all, Your Majesty?

Stella: I’m just getting started. More treats. And they have to be bacon.

Me: Nope.

Stella: No nail trimming.

Me: Nope.

Stella: No ear cleaning.

Me: Nope.

Stella: I’m glad we agree.

Me: We don’t.

Stella: It’s been nice negotiating with you, Lady Human. Always a pleasure getting our way.

Me: Hmmmph. Bulldogs.

Stella: Yep.

“Bulldog” Is Not An Excuse – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 3, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Stella, come here. It’s time to go out.

Stella: Nope.

Me: Uh, yep. It is. Why not?

Stella: Bulldog.

Me: That is not an excuse for not doing what I say.

Stella: Of course, it is.

Me: All right then, if you’re not going to go out, at least finish your meal.

Stella: Nope.

Me: Whyever not?

Stella: Bulldog.

Me: Not an excuse. Also, it doesn’t answer my question.

Stella: Don’t have to answer because…bulldog.

Me: Oh, all right. Have it your way. I still say ‘bulldog’ is not an excuse.

Stella: It’s worked pretty well for me thus far.

Bulldog Canvas – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

Posted on October 30, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Wiggles looks weird.

Me: What’s wrong? Oh…

Wiggles: Something happened. I don’t know what. The little human was petting me and was scratching on paper with a stick and some smeary stuff that wasn’t peanut butter because it didn’t smell good like peanut butter and…

Me: Yeah, that’s green paint. Hold on. I’ll clean it off.

Wiggles: She painted me?

Me: I think she just didn’t have control of her brush. It’s only watercolor. Look. I’ve already gotten a good bit of it off.

Wiggles: Why did she paint me green? Did she want me to look like grass?

Me: No. It was an accident.

Wiggles: Doesn’t she like the way I look?

Stella: It’s not your fault, Wiggles. The humans are always swinging their scratchy sticks around, marking on things. You just got in the way this time.

Blow Hard – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 28, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, hold onto something. The wind is trying to carry us away.

Me: It is strong today. But I don’t believe we are in any danger of blowing away. We’re pretty heavy.

Stella: It feels strange. What does it mean?

Me: Winds in the tops of the trees usually mean something is about to change.

Stella: Nope. I won’t allow it. I’m perfect just the way I am.

Me: That’s a pretty bold claim. Most of us can stand a little bit of change.

Stella: Not me. Just watch me blow back and see what a bulldog can do.

A Moderate Bulldog? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 26, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Hey, girl. A little heavy handed there. Hold back.

Stella: Whatever do you mean?

Me: You pounding me with your paw.

Stella: I’m just being friendly.

Me: I just need you to moderate your pounding, that’s all.

Stella: What does ‘moderate’ mean?

Me: It means average, not extreme, not intense.

Stella: Oh, that explains it. Not a bulldog.

Packing Your Bags – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on October 25, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human!

Wiggles: LADY HUMAN!

Doodlebug: LADY HUMAN!!!

Miss Sweetie: LADY HUMAN!!!!!

Me: Coming! Coming! What is it?

Stella: It’s the cat…AGAIN!

Miss Sweetie: The cat is weird. And I don’t mean bulldog weird.

Me: Where is she? MoonCat?

Wiggles: She’s hiding because she’s weird.

Doodlebug: THERE! THERE!!! THERE!!! THERE!!!!

MoonCat: Meow.

Me: Oh, I see. She’s just stuck her head through the handle of a plastic bag…And the plastic bag has other plastic bags stuffed inside of it. You must have been sniffing around in the pantry again. Let me get it off. Hold still. It is kind of funny looking. Like she’s wearing a shoulder purse.

MoonCat: Don’t take them. I like them. They make me look like you when you carry a bag of bags.

Stella: She was strutting around here like she’s all that and a bag of…whatever.

A Pile of Plush – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 23, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, shhhh! Look!

Me: What?

Stella: The little human. She has a whole pile of toys.

Me: Yeah. She enjoys plush animals. Mostly dogs.

Stella: But does she know?

Me: Know what?

Stella: That they aren’t real. Shhhh! She is talking to them.

Me: I think she knows the difference between plush toys and you all. For example, she never tries to feed her toys with real food, but she knows that you eat real food. Right now, she’s just using her imagination. She’s pretending they’re real.

Stella: So her imagination, whatever that is, lets her talk to a pile of plush like they’re real animals.

Me: Yeah, it’s a game.

Stella: Imagination sounds scary. I’m glad I don’t have one. Now where’s my chew bone.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

Spring-Loaded Leg – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 19, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Can you control your leg?

Stella: What leg?

Me: The one you’re hitting me with.

Stella: I would never hit you. I am loving on you.

Me: Sure feels like hitting to me.

Stella: I can’t help it if my leg is a spring-loaded machine.

Me: You don’t have control over your leg?

Stella: No, I don’t. You do. It is so simple. Just pet me and scratch my ears and don’t stop…ever.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Flying Leaves – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 18, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, there are weird things going on outside.

Me: Not surprising at all.

Stella: I think the trees are shaking their leaves off.

Me: Not surprising either. This is the autumn of the year. The season we call ‘fall’ for a reason.

Stella: So the trees just throw away all those perfectly good leaves? What a waste.

Me: You’ll notice the leaves are pretty wrinkled and dry now.

Stella: It’s bad enough that the squirrels throw nuts down on our heads, but the trees think they should throw leaves down on our heads, too. Just wait until I find something that I can throw back up there at them.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Egg Dog Strikes Again! – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

Posted on October 17, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Whoa there! Hold your horses, Wiggles!

Me: Wiggles! No!

Wiggles: What’s wrong?

Me: You know what’s wrong.

Wiggles: You are right. What’s wrong is there sits a plate full of luscious fresh eggs just off the stove and my mouth hasn’t had a single bite.

Me: Those eggs are for Tall Man.

Wiggles: As long as mine are on the way, ma’am.

Me: Well, sorry, there won’t be any more eggs today.

Wiggles: I knew it. I should have lunged faster and jumped higher.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Dirt Fill – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 14, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I have a complaint.

Me: Am I surprised?

Stella: If you are, you shouldn’t be. Have you seen how much dirt is in this here house?

Me: As a matter of fact…

Stella: Where does dirt come from?

Me: In case you haven’t noticed, dirt is everywhere we walk. The whole earth is made of the stuff in one form or another.

Stella: That’s fine for outside…

Me: I agree.

Stella: But why are you bringing it inside?

Me: Before you point the paw at me, check your feet.

Stella: My feet are fine…oh, what’s that stuck to my toes?

Me: TTiny pieces of the earth that accompanied you inside.

Stella: Well, you can tell those earth pieces to get right back outside where they belong.

Me: I’ll sweep them out.

Stella: And while you’re at it, sweep your feet. And mine. Dirt and bulldogs don’t mix.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Human Zoo – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 12, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans will tell you that they are well-behaved, self-controlled, and super smart. I’m not so sure. Lady Human, what are you all doing?
Me: Nothing.
Stella: I don’t believe that. What is that squealing down the hall?
Me: Oh, you know, the…
Stella: The little human is squealing over some human game. Why? You don’t hear us making all that noise.
Me: I hear y’all making a whole lot bigger noises than that sometimes.
Stella: And what’s all that door slamming?
Me: Oh, she and Tall Man are in a hurry. They’re getting ready to go to the zoo.
Stella: The zoo? With all the big wild animals?
Me: Yeah.
Stella: Well, they ought to feel right at home then.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Snack Bar – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on October 10, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Wiggles: Snack bar’s open!
Miss Sweetie: Woo-hoo! Snack bar!
Me: Wait! What snack bar?
Doodlebug: Num num yum. This is good stuff!
Me: NO! That’s the cat’s food!
Wiggles: *Was*.
Stella: If it was the cat’s food, why did you open the snack bar?
Me: I forgot and left her bowl where you could reach it. It’s not a snack bar.
Doodlebug: Tasted like a snack bar to me.
Miss Sweetie: Is this snack bar going to be open all night ‘cuz I enjoy a good midnight treat.
Me: Once again, it is not a snack bar.
Stella: Poor Lady Human. She doesn’t even know she runs a snack bar.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Playing Hooky – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 9, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Explain, please, Lady Human!

Me: Explain?

Stella: You were gone for 200 years today.

Me: Sorry, hon, but your understanding of time is a little skewed. No way is today 200 years long.

Stella: A likely story and a poor excuse.

Me: Look, sometimes I go special places where I cannot include you.

Stella: Then those places cannot be that special. What was it this time? One of those places that sell those sticks you scratch paper with?

Me: As a matter of fact…

Stella: Did I give you permission to go?

Me: I don’t need permission. I am not a student playing hooky, okay!

Stella: If you had stayed around here, we all could have played hooky and you would not be in trouble now.

Pillow Talk – Conversations with Stella, Miss Sweetie and MoonCat

Posted on October 7, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sleep, Lady Human! Peace! Quiet!

Me: I’m not the noise maker this time. What’s going on?

Miss Sweetie: Nothing. MoonCat and I were just talking. Free speech just like you say, Lady Human. Am I right?

Me: No free speech rights at this time of night. Quiet rights. Silence rules at this hour.

MoonCat: Bulldog friend fun.

Me: I noticed. I am glad you get along but keep it down, please.

Miss Sweetie: We had better do what she says, MoonCat. You know what grumpy looks like? Lady Human without a full night’s sleep.

Can You Count to 3? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on September 30, 2021October 2, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am waiting, Lady Human.

Me: Waiting for what?

Stella: My third bedtime cracker.

Me: You’ve already had three.

Stella: Uh, I think not. I have only had two.

Me: No, you had all three. I set them out before you got into bed.

Stella: If I had three, that third one sure went by in a blink of an eye and missed my mouth entirely. Lady Human, can you count to 3?

Me: Uh, yes, I can. One…two…three…

Stella: ‘Cuz if you can’t count to 3, that’s all right. I’ll be happy to take over that task for you.

Me: I’d like to see your definition of three.

Stella: I am sure it will be more generous than yours.

Me Love Dog Food – Conversations with Stella, Wiggles and MoonCat

Posted on September 29, 2021October 2, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Uh. Lady Human, we have a problem.

Me: What? Oh, MoonCat! Get out of that! That’s Wiggles’ food!

Wiggles: And I thought MoonCat was my friend.

MoonCat: Me love dog food.

Stella: Talk like a bulldog. “I love dog food.”

MoonCat: That’s what me said.

Stella: Ugh, CATS!

Me: Moon, your food is over there where it always is. If you eat Wiggles’ food, she won’t have enough.

Wiggles: Waaahhh! She put her cat mouth in my special bowl. Now I don’t feel like…mmm, this is pretty good anyway. Never mind.

Stella: What kind of an establishment is this when anyone can walk in and start eating our food? You just lost another star in your rating, Lady Human.

Bark-Off – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

Posted on September 27, 2021October 3, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles: Ruff argh ruff ruff!

Me: Ruff ruff ruff arghhh!

Stella: What is going on?

Me: Wiggles is barking at me so I am barking back. Let’s see who wins.

Wiggles: I bet it will be me. You aren’t experienced at this sort of thing, Lady Human. Argh argh ruff.

Stelka: One question. Why?

Me: I asked Wiggles that and she wouldn’t tell me so ruff ruff ruff ruff!

Stella: You’ll have to speak plainer than that, ma’am.

Wiggles: You shouldn’t try speaking a second language until you have practiced more. You just sound silly.

Breakfast Bark – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

Posted on September 24, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Oh, no, not already. Please say it ain’t so, Lady Human!

Me: It’s 5:30 in the morning. It’s pitch black outside, not even a glimmer of dawn. Doodlebug! This is an indecent hour for breakfast!

Doodlebug: No hour is indecent for breakfast. Sweetie agrees.

Me: Sweetie is snoring.

Doodlebug: Give me a second. I’ll convince her.

Me: Okay. Okay. Breakfast. Here.

Doodlebug: Is this all? Where’s the special stuff?

Me: This is all there is right now. The kitchen is closed.

Doodlebug: Well, my stomach is never closed. You need to rethink those kitchen hours, ma’am.

Doodlebug:

Strange Voices – Conversations with Stella

Posted on September 14, 2021 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I am scared.

Me: How come? What’s wrong?

Stella: Don’t you hear them? The voices? But where are the humans?

Me: Oh, those are part of a Zoom meeting I’m in right now. They aren’t here.

Stella: This is weird. I hear them. How can I hear them when they aren’t here?

Me: The miracle of modern technology.

Stella: Then modern technology is a scary thing.

Me: Yep.

Stella: Should I whisper?

Me: No. I have us muted. They can’t hear us unless I want them to.

Stella: Should I bark?

Me: Nope. Not unless you want to hurt my eardrums.

Stella: Never. So those people are not coming to our house, right?

Me: I hope not. Not without telling me first and getting my permission.

Stella: It’s MY permission they would need.

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Author: H.J. Hill