I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Why are these tree arms on the ground? Didn’t the trees want them anymore?
Me: Some trees like pecan trees self-prune.
Doodlebug: Sounds painful.
Me: It can be.
Sweetie: Why do it then?
Me: It can be more painful in the long run not to.
MoonCat: Don’t look at me. I like my limbs just fine.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: You have dodged my question, Lady Human. What is time? And what does it have to do with those boxes in your hands or those circles on the wall with moving sticks stuck on them?
Doodlebug: I do like the one with the skinny red moving stick that goes around and around and around…
Sweetie: Yes, I know. Tedious.
Me: You know how the sky gets dark and then it gets light again. Well, people measure time on earth by how fast the earth turns in front of the sun. So if a clock says 8 a.m., we have a good idea how much light there is left in the day.
Sweetie: So the clock is time.
Me: No, clocks measure time here on earth and the time it tells is different depending on where you are.
Sweetie: Tedious.
Me: You have no idea.
MoonCat: Yeah, I have an idea, just by listening to y’all talk about it.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Why do humans talk about what time it is? What is time?
Me: If you want the scientific explanation, I’m not really qualified to give it.
Sweetie: If ” scientific” means human, no, thank you. I want the real answer.
MoonCat: The real answer? You can’t handle the real answer.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What is that delicious smell-good that is invading my nose? Ooh, it’s coming from the bag in the kitchen.
Me: No, no, no! That’s trash!
Doodlebug: It doesn’t smell like trash. Well, maybe it does. But that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes.
Me: There are no goodies in there for anybody. You’re probably smelling the greasy food leftovers from last night.
Sweetie: I must have missed that. Give me my greasy leftovers.
Me: Sorry, hon, they would upset your stomach.
Sweetie: Never waste food. A bulldog’s mouth is the perfect trash bag.
MoonCat: An accurate description if I ever heard one.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what are you rummaging for?
Me: Oh, that grocery delivery yesterday was short a few items. They charged for them, but didn’t bring them.
Sweetie: Why?
Me: Somebody just didn’t load them up.
Sweetie: You mean a human made a MISTAKE! Do humans make mistakes?
Me: Where can I even begin?
Doodlebug: At the beginning.
Sweetie: We have all day.
MoonCat: I think this talk may take a lot longer than a day.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Y’all stand back. Grocery delivery is here.
Sweetie: I’ll get it.
Me: No, I’ll get it.
Doodlebug: But it’s our food.
Me: Not this time. This food is for humans.
Doodlebug: Unbelievable!
Sweetie: How selfish!
MoonCat: You wouldn’t happen to be getting any human quality tunafish in those bags, would you? Because if you are…
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, who needs to go potty?
Sweetie: Lady Human! Don’t talk about that! It’s not polite.
Me: A bulldog lecturing me about being polite? It’s a lot less polite if someone has an accident on the floor because they didn’t accept the outdoor invitation.
Doodlebug: I heard the little human say that people were telling too many potty jokes. Humans are so weird. What’s funny about potty time?
Sweetie: Now you’ve got Doodlebug talking about it.
Me: How about this? I open the door and you each decide whether or not to accept the…outdoor opportunity?
Sweetie: To do what?
Me and Doodlebug: POTTY!
MoonCat: I’m so glad I have other arrangements.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, what are you doing? Dancing?
Sweetie: Just got to keep moving, moving moving. Tapping. Jumping. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.
Doodlebug: Do stop! It’s annoying.
Me: I could use some of whatever it is you’re traveling on. I don’t even feel that wound up after I’ve had my coffee.
Sweetie: It’s in the air. Don’t you feel it? Don’t you hear it? Buzz, buzz, buzz. Hum. Hum. Hum.
MoonCat: Whatever it is, don’t share it with me. My unwound world is just fine, thank you.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Back off, Doodle!
Doodlebug: No, you back off!
Me: Both of you back off! Sweetie, go to that corner! Doodlebug, you head over to that corner! If y’all can’t behave, I have to separate you.
Sweetie: I don’t know if I like this corner. There are other corners. What about that one over there?
MoonCat: That corner is mine. ‘Nough said.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: There is this cool table outside, Lady Human!
Me: I know it well.
Sweetie: Have you stood on it?
Me: Not a pastime of mine.
Doodlebug: I don’t stand on things. I’m tall enough as is.
Sweetie: I looked down at the ground so far below me and it was calling me to jump.
Me: No, it wasn’t.
Sweetie: And I started to put my foot right over the edge, just to do it, to dive into the air…
Me: Listen to me! Stay away from the edge! Resist the temptation.
Sweetie: Then why have the temptation?
Me: So you can learn to resist it.
Sweetie: I still think it would be a hoot.
Me: Until you smashed your chins and your shins on the beckoning ground.
MoonCat: I have four paws worth of sharp claw edge-grabber-temptation-resisters. They never fail me.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I heard humans talking about taking a trip to some other place. Let’s do that.
Me: Easier said than done sometimes.
Sweetie: But tromping around on the same ole ground is SO BORING!
Doodlebug: Yeah, but it’s OUR ground and that makes it special.
Sweetie: Maybe if you threw a few more treats around, it would get interesting again.
MoonCat: Bribery makes a lot of things more interesting. It’s a good thing I’m not so easily bought.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Why are you so quiet, Lady Human? Is it human stuff again?
Me: Yeah.
Doodlebug: Why are you looking at the sky? Is there a storm?
Me: With humans, there’s always a storm somewhere. I like looking at the sky. It’s so big. It reminds me of the One Who made it all.
Sweetie: Bigger than the storm?
Me: Oh, yeah. And bigger than the humans.
MoonCat: Well, that’s good news.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: I don’t mind y’all sitting by me, but maybe you could sit a little bit straighter.
Sweetie: Why, Lady Human, we’re just giving you our support.
Me: Well, your support weighs about 160 pounds total and that’s a little more than I can manage.
MoonCat: Hmmm. Squashed by leaning bulldogs. I think I’ll move up to my high-rise apartment.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I’m going to snuggle right up here by you, Lady Human, and take my nap.
Doodlebug: Me, too.
Me: Is there enough room?
Sweetie: Sure, I’ll just put my front legs on this big artificial pillow. It looks fake, but…
Me: Ow! That’s not a pillow!
Doodlebug: Sure looks like one.
Me: That’s me! That’s my belly.
MoonCat: I have the right to remain silent. In fact, I will remain silent. Anything I say might be used to incriminate me later on.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. First, a few words about myself. I am the strongest, biggest bulldog ever…
Sweetie: Who gave you bragging rights? A few words about myself. I happen to be the strongest, smartest bulldog ever…
MoonCat: A few words about myself. Me and braggadocious bulldogs: YAWN!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: It’s hot, Lady Human. Make it stop.
Me: Be patient. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by morning.
Sweetie: Oh, alright. No more complaining until morning.
MoonCat: That pleasant surprise would be a pleasant surprise.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I smell a weirdness coming through the kitchen window.
Doodlebug: My nose does, too. It’s a…
Sweetie: It’s not a…
Me: It’s a coyote. It’s climbed the short fence into the side yard.
Sweetie: What’s it after?
Me: The chickens, no doubt, but it can’t reach them.
Doodlebug: No! It can’t have them!
Sweetie: Intruder! Intruder!
Doodlebug: Lady Human, why are you banging on the glass?
Me: Surprise! It thought no one was around. It’s running off now.
Sweetie: Why didn’t you sic us on it? We’re more than a match for…
MoonCat: For a wild dog that has to hunt for its food every day, is spry and underweighs you by half, and has the common sense to leave while it can?
Sweetie: Well, at least we barked.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come birds are so loud, louder than anything else, louder than bulldogs?
Me: You mean because of the cacophony we were just treated to from the chickens and the parakeets?
Doodlebug: It doesn’t seem right.
Sweetie: They squawk and yell and cockadoodle-doo for no reason at all.
Doodlebug: And it doesn’t make sense.
MoonCat: Hmmm. Doesn’t seem right and doesn’t make sense. Sounds like some four-legged critters I know.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Hey, what’s all the foot action?
Sweetie: Can’t bulldogs pretend to be marching without a thousand questions?
Me: You’re marching in place? Cute. I’ll bet you learned that from watching the birds march in step up and down their perches.
Bud and Baby: 1 ack, 2 ack, 3 ack, 4 ack.
Doodlebug: 1 ack, 2 ack, 3, ack, 4…
Sweetie: Cut the birdie talk, Doodle. It’s undignified.
Doodlebug: It helps me keep time.
Sweetie: No fair. They copied us.
MoonCat: Let me try a cadence. Bulldogs, about face! March! 1 and 2 and 3 and 4, down the hall and through the door!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Look, y’all! New crackers! Haven’t had any in a while.
Sweetie: Hold up there, Lady Human. Wrong box. Wrong scent. Those aren’t my brand. Where are the good ones? You know, the cheese ones.
Doodlebug: I don’t care. I’ll take ’em as is. Mmmmm! Crunchy!
Sweetie: Doodle, all your taste is in your mouth. Hold out for the good stuff.
Doodlebug: Of course, all my taste is in my mouth. I can’t taste stuff with my toes.
MoonCat: Good thing, too, with all the stuff your big bulldog feet walk in. Say, Lady Human, how about my brand of snack? Pure tuna, no crackers allowed.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 