I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, those long sticks look yucky. Throw them away.
Me: First off, since when does a bulldog think anything looks yucky. Secondly, these carrots can be made into a soup or baked in a casserole, so no, I will not waste them.
Doodlebug: But they’re all limp and saggy and smooshy and…yellowy brown.
Me: But they’re not bad. Waste not, want not.
MoonCat: I definitely “want not”.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, where is our food, please?
Me: Oh, yeah, it’s about that time, isn’t it?
Sweetie: Oh, not that “time” thing again.
Me: Well, it’s on schedule.
Sweetie: But the other day, you changed the “time” when we ate, so this “schedule” thing must not be all that.
Doodlebug: And a bag of potato chips. Are potato chips on the “schedule” thing? ‘Cause I wouldn’t mind it if they were. Wonderful things, potato chips.
MoonCat: Wonderful things – regular meals and never being really hungry. Don’t forget the important stuff. And the occasional can of tunafish.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Y’all stand back. Grocery delivery is here.
Sweetie: I’ll get it.
Me: No, I’ll get it.
Doodlebug: But it’s our food.
Me: Not this time. This food is for humans.
Doodlebug: Unbelievable!
Sweetie: How selfish!
MoonCat: You wouldn’t happen to be getting any human quality tunafish in those bags, would you? Because if you are…
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How come you’re so quiet, Lady Human?
Me: I’m just thinking.
Doodlebug: Uh-oh.
MoonCat: A human thinking. Never a good thing. Hide!
Me: No, nothing bad. It’s just another holiday. New Year’s.
Sweetie: Where is its tree?
Me: New Year’s doesn’t get its own tree.
Doodlebug: Poor New Year’s. What does it get?
Me: Some people party. Some people cook a bunch of food. Some people shoot off fireworks. And some people like me are just quiet and think a lot. About the past. About the future.
Sweetie: About the food? Where are those food people? Let’s go New Year with them!
Copyright 2024. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Me, first! Me, first!
Me: You first what?
Sweetie: Me first to get the food you have in your hands!
Me: Who says I have food in my hands?
Doodlebug: Aw, Lady Human, the only things you ever have in your hands are food or some mess we made that you just cleaned up. And what you’re carrying right now does not smell like a mess.
Me: Well, it’s not, but it’s not our kind of food either. It’s food for the parakeets.
Sweetie: That counts!
MoonCat: No. I guarantee you. It does not.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Old English Bulldogges. Where is supper, Lady Human?
Me: Coming…There! How’s that look?
Sweetie: That’s wrong!
Doodlebug: Yeah, where’s the good stuff?
Me: That is good stuff.
Sweetie: No. No. No. Where’s the good stuff! You know. The GOOD STUFF!
Me: I don’t have any of the canned meat today, if that’s what you mean.
Doodlebug: MoonCat is getting some!
Me: MoonCat is getting cat food made for cats.
Sweetie: Yeah, but it smells wonderfully stinky and it’s in a can so why not let us try it?
Me: Nope. Let’s not cross that line.
Doodlebug: Not fair.
MoonCat: Eminently fair. And delicious. AND FOR CATS. Some lines should never be crossed.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Okay, when is it? When is it? When is it?
Me: When is what?
Sweetie: The special teatime you keep talking about. We’re ready.
Me: Oh, that’s just a human thing.
Doodlebug: Oh, no. Bait and switch, everybody!
Me: No, not ‘bait and switch’. You have your afternoon food. I have mine.
Sweetie: Yeah, hmmpphh. You get the good stuff.
MoonCat: No, I think, if you pay attention, you’ll see that Lady Human and I both get the good stuff. I’m glad that’s settled.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie? Why haven’t you eaten your food?
Sweetie: I can’t. There’s a bug on my bowl.
Me: Oh, it’s just a fly. Shoo it off.
Sweetie: Do you eat food that a fly has sat on?
Me: As a matter of fact…
Sweetie: Ooo! Don’t tell me!
Me: Look. A fly wouldn’t stand a chance of sitting on your bowl if your big ole bulldog mouth would eat when your food is set down and not hours later.
Sweetie: There’s just no telling where its feet have been.
MoonCat: No doubt all the same places your feet have been.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What’s on the menu?
Me: Pretty much the same as always.
Doodlebug: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. Little crunchy brown balls and your attempt at cooking.
Sweetie: Where’s the good stuff?
Me: What good stuff?
Sweetie: You know. The delicious softie food that comes off the round metal thing that digs it out of the other round metal thing.
Me: You mean the big spoon with the canned food?
Doodlebug: Everything’s better if it comes from a can.
MoonCat: Cat wisdom from down through the years. I’m glad the bulldogs have caught up.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is the meaning of this? I have never been treated so shabbily in my life!
Me: What’s the problem now?
Doodlebug: There is some kind of muck in my food bowl.
Sweetie: Back to a one star review.
Me: We’ve been over this. This is not a hotel or a restaurant.
Sweetie: Good thing. You wouldn’t be in business by sundown.
Me: The “muck” in your bowl is fresh homemade food, made just for y’all.
Doodlebug: I beg your pardon. Our standards are higher than this.
Me: Higher standards? Like when I caught you trying to eat your own…
Sweetie: Don’t bring that up, Lady Human. That’s a painful memory. And a foul smell.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is this in my bowl? I am accustomed to being served quality food in the style to which I have become accustomed.
Sweetie: Yeah. He means what is this mess?
Me: I home-cooked some fresh dog food for y’all.
Doodlebug: Oh, no.
Sweetie: Why should we eat that? You don’t even cook for yourself.
Me: Just taste it. It has good ingredients. Ground turkey and some carrots and chicken broth and…
Sweetie: Mmmm. I guess it’s okay.
Doidlebug: Yes, put a little more of that mess in my bowl. No, a little more. And some more. And a bigger spoonful than that and…
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Good breakfast, Lady Human! Another, please.
Sweetie: Same here, please.
MoonCat: Meow. For once, and for this one time only, mind you, I agree with the bulldogges. Keep it coming.
Me: Uh, how about ‘no’? You all ate just a very short time ago. We do not eat all day long.
Doodlebug: What do you mean ‘we do not’? I do.
Sweetie: So do you, Lady Human. I’ve seen how many times you go to that cold air box and pull out stuff that you shove into your mouth.
MoonCat: Meow. Yep. Come on. Fair is fair.
Sweetie: We’ll make it easy for you. Just set it out…
Doodlebug: In three bowls. No sharing!
MoonCat: Meow. We’ll handle the timing on our own.
Doodlebug: Now that those details are settled, I hereby declare the All-Day Breakfast Club to be permanently in session.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Sweetie: What is that clunky sound when I walk?
Me: Uh, don’t you know?
Sweetie: Why would I ask or look confused if I knew?
Me: You are wearing your empty metal food bowl on your foot like a shoe, which it is not.
Sweetie: You wear things on your feet.
Me: I wear shoes that are meant to be worn on my feet.
Sweetue: Well, my food bowl is meant to have food in it which it does not. Hint. Hint.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where is Lady Human?
Sweetie: She’s here in the food room, staring at a pot.
Doodlebug: Did the pot ask to be stared at?
Sweetie: Yeah, is it that good-looking, ma’am? Is it better looking than I am? ‘Cuz I don’t think so.
Me: No, I’m just heating some water to make tea.
Doodlebug: Does staring at it help?
Me: No, in fact, there’s an old saying about watched pots never boiling and…
Sweetie: Then stop it right now!
MoonCat: Yes, because I’m staring at my empty food bowl and it’s still not filling up.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, you all have fouled things up again.
Me: Whatever do you mean?
MoonCat: Meow. Dinnertime. Late. Fix it. Now.
Me: Well, I’ve been going by the time change, so, yes, I guess mealtimes seem late the last few days.
Doodlebug: Seem? There’s no seem about it. Where’s the food?
Me: Since it’s been getting a little darker earlier and the time changed, you all have been eating at different times so…
Sweetie: I’m not talking about what WE have been doing. I’m talking about what YOU have been doing. How come meals are late?
MoonCat: Meow. We have been patient.
Sweetie: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You humans have been fooling around with the sun again. Telling us when it will rise and when it will set.
Doodlebug: Yeah, as though you know!
MoonCat: I know this. Hungry. Food. Give it. NOW!
Outright 2023 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Don’t touch what’s not yours. Nothing on the floor is yours.
Sweetie: Then why do you throw food on the floor?
Me: I don’t. That comes from big bulldog mouths knocking food bowls about. I’m talking about keeping your paws and mouths off other people’s stuff.
MoonCat: Leave me out of the discussion. I mind my own things
Doodlebug: But you put your paws on other people’s stuff, Lady Human.
Sweetie: Yeah. You’re all the time touching my stuff. Our stuff. Well, it’s mostly mine.
Doodlebug: My stuff. Chew sticks. Balls. That softy toy.
Sweetie: Beds.
Me: Poop? Is that poop outside yours?
Doodlebug: Nope. It doesn’t have my name on it.
Sweetie: Nope. Anyway you can’t prove it.
Doodlebug: Hey, Lady Human, you can put your paws on all that poop outside. It’s all yours now.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where is supper being served?
Me: On the patio.
Sweetie: No, thank you. I’ll have mine inside if you don’t mind. Or even if you do.
Me: You used to eat on the patio all the time. I’ve noticed you ignore your food out there lately.
Sweetie: Lady Human, you don’t eat outside. How come?
Me: Well…
Sweetie: I’ll tell you how come.
Doodlebug: Oh boy, here we go.
Sweetie: It’s nasty outside in the hot. And those pesky flying pesks…
Me: Flies.
Sweetie: If you say so…those critters want to put their dirty little feet on my food. So I’ll have mine inside, thank you.
Me: How about you, Doodle?
Doodlebug: Food is food, hot weather or cold. I say, bring it on! I haven’t let a pesky fly carry off a single bite of my food yet. Not about to start now. Let’s eat!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is that you are doing, Lady Human? What is in your hand?
Me: Well, it’s your food bowl.
Doodlebug: It’s not my food bowl. My food bowl is always over there, ready when I want it.
Sweetie: Yeah, what are you trying to do, ma’am? Confuse us? Leave well enough alone.
Me: His food bowl comes close to getting spilled every time I walk through here.
Doodlebug: Then don’t walk through here. Walk through there.
MoonCat: Meow. Don’t move my food bowl. How will I find it in the dark?
Me: Uh, the same way you find everything else in the dark?
MoonCat: Hmmm. Questionable.
Sweetie: We are set in our ways. If it ain’t fixed, don’t break it.
Me: I think you mean “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sweetie: That’s what I said.
Doodlebug: We like the way we have things set up. If you go changing the setup, no telling what might happen.
Sweetie: Yeah, Lady Human, we might go changing your set ways. Then where might your food bowl end up.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you trying to do, Lady Human?
Sweetie: Whatever it is, you make it look hard.
Me: I’m just opening a can of tuna for MoonCat. Oh, no! Fumble fingers. I just spilled some.
Sweetie: I hope you don’t expect ME to eat that. It’s been on the floor.
Me: As if that’s ever mattered to y’all before. No, I’ll clean it up.
MoonCat: Wait a moment. Don’t be so hasty.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Humans make everything so complicated. Just eat!”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 