I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Yawn!
Sweetie: Lady Human, may we please proceed with our latest nap?
Me: Well, yeah, sure. But it is still daylight. Don’t you want to. .
Doodlebug: Sleep? Yep.
Sweetie: Snooze? Yessiree!
MoonCat: Oh my word! Just get on with it then. No bulldog gum flapping necessary.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: They’re doing it again, Lady Human. Those tiny birds are staring at us.
Me: Maybe you’re fun to stare at.
Doodlebug: How can they see anything with those beady little eyes?
Sweetie: They need to get big ole bulldog eyes like ours.
Me: A bulldog eye would be bigger than a parakeet’s entire head.
Doodlebug: Ooooo! Great!
Sweetie: Yeah! Cool! I vote for that!
Copyright 2024. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. They are staring at me, Lady Human, and making their squeaky sounds. I think they don’t like me.
Sweetie: Hey, Parakeets! Nobody understands your teensy little squeaks! What are you talking about?
Me: Here, let’s try this. Here’s a little piece of fresh banana. Look how they’ve calmed down, just by smelling it.
Doodlebug: Oh, me, me, me! A chunk, please.
Sweetie: Don’t leave me out! Mmmm.
MoonCat: I’ll pass, thank you. Seafood will do for me.
Sweetie: Oh, this is great. Now we’re banana buddies with the birds. I still can’t understand them, but at least we share banana breath.
Copyright 2024. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. (Snore)
Sweetie: Why does Doodlebug snore so loud?
MoonCat: A question to which we all want the answer.
Me: Vibrations. He breathes through a narrow place in his nose and throat and the vibrations produce sound.
Sweetie: It’s so loud. I’m glad I don’t do that.
MoonCat: Hah!
Me: Actually you do. And I don’t mind. It means you’re breathing.
Doodlebug: Huh? What? Breathing in and out? Okay. I can do that. Good.
Copyright 2024. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Look at me, birds!
Me: Look at that! They turned their heads!
Sweetie: Talk to me! What are their names, Lady Human?
Me: That tall one I call “Bud” and the smaller one I call “Baby”. For now. I may change that later.
Doodlebug: I’m glad you didn’t name me that. “Doodlebug” is just fine.
Sweetie: Hey, birds. I can’t understand you! Speak plainer! Why do they keep squeaking, Lady Human?
Me: That’s their dialect, you might say.
Doodlebug: I don’t understand.
Sweetie: I don’t get it.
MoonCat: Why does that not surprise me?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, how come MoonCat gets to sit way up there, far above us?
Sweetie: Yeah, why can’t we do that?
Me: Good question. Why can’t you do that?
Doodlebug: We’re too big?
Sweetie: We’re too heavy?
Me: Both good guesses.
Sweetie: But why would she even want to get that high above us?
MoonCat: The better to see you all, my dears.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Me, first! Me, first!
Me: You first what?
Sweetie: Me first to get the food you have in your hands!
Me: Who says I have food in my hands?
Doodlebug: Aw, Lady Human, the only things you ever have in your hands are food or some mess we made that you just cleaned up. And what you’re carrying right now does not smell like a mess.
Me: Well, it’s not, but it’s not our kind of food either. It’s food for the parakeets.
Sweetie: That counts!
MoonCat: No. I guarantee you. It does not.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Shush! She’s trying to relax. We have to creep up real quiet like and then…
Me: Hey! What’s going on?
Sweetie: Mmmmm.
Doodlebug: Mmmmm. Salty.
Me: Y’all licked on my back! Don’t go licking on my back!
Sweetie: But that’s where the salt is.
Doodlebug: Yeah, Lady Human, and it would be a lot easier if you could just raise that shirt of yours up a little bit so we wouldn’t have to.
Sweetie: Yeah, and it helps a whole bunch when you sleep on the low couch. Much easier to reach.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, those weird little chickens…
Me: Parakeets.
Sweetie: Yeah, uh-huh, sure. They won’t stop their jibber jabber. It’s jibber jabber, jibber jabber all the time. They never make sense.
MoonCat: Now you understand my life with bulldogs.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what have you scratched on that flat thing in your lap?
Me: It’s a drawing I’ve made of a dog.
Sweetie: That? That is supposed to be one of us?
Me: Well, not one of you. Just a dog.
Doodlebug: Nooooo….
Sweetie: That could be considered insulting, ma’am. How would you like to be portrayed like that? Legs too long.
Doodlebug: Face sticks out too much.
Sweetie: Please…take your little black box in your hand and take a picture.
Doodlebug: Yes. PLEASE!!! For ALL our sakes!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, there are two tiny chickens in our house.
Me: Not chickens. Parakeets.
Sweetie: I think what Doodle means is, THERE ARE BIRDS IN OUR HOUSE! You have always said that birds do not belong in the house.
Me: No, I said chickens don’t belong in the house. These are parakeets. They are a gift to me from Tall Man.
MoonCat: If they don’t bother me, I won’t bother them. Deal? Deal.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What’s that smell?
Sweetie: What smell? I don’t smell a smell.
MoonCat: Don’t ask a bulldog, Lady Human. Their noses are stunted.
Me: If I can smell that, surely a dog can.
Doodlebug: Are you insulting our nasal capabilities?
Sweetie: How rude!
Me: Forgive me. I’ll just go ask a bloodhound for an opinion, shall I? If I can find one.
Sweetie: We can’t help it that you sniff better than we do.
Doodlebug: Yeah, we are simple bulldogs. Not everybody can have a big ole long pointy nose like yours, ma’am.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Uh-oh. Something’s wrong with Lady Human. She’s holding her head and shaking it back and forth.
MoonCat: Is it something I can solve? Cats are great at solving problems and fixing stuff, no matter how badly humans foul things up.
Me: No. It’s just a regular everyday human mess. Confusion. And I’m a little tired. Sometimes I just want a simpler life. Like a bulldog. A simple bulldog life.
Doodlebug: A simple bulldog life? Huh?
Sweetie: Have you been paying attention, Lady Human? You call bulldog lives simple? Somebody get the human one of those word books they call a dictionary. We’ll see who’s simple.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Where are they, Lady Human?
Doodlebug: Yeah, I’ve been wondering that, too.
Me: Be a little more specific, guys. Where are what?
Sweetie: My cushy baby blanket – the one you used for your babies way back when, my soft purple dinosaur…
Doodlebug: My blue blanket, my green blanket, my white sleeping pad, my other green blanket, my other blue blanket…
Sweetie: My tiny little blankets that I pile up in the corner, my big blankets that I pile up in the corner…
Me: They are drying. I had to wash them. No choice.
Doodlebug: How can we be expected to survive without our softies?
MoonCat: As usual, cats have the advantage. Find a human. Find the humans’ softest furniture. Presto! Good old softies at your service.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, we have a problem. That large bird is walking around outside, shooting his mouth off again. I told him to stop, but he ignored my royal authority.
Sweetie: Ma’am, how can you complain about loud mouthery from bulldogs when that loud mouthery is going on from a bird of all things? We are not nearly so irritating.
MoonCat: Loud mouthery? That has to be a bulldog invention. They are the experts in the field of loud and mouths.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why is your face all droopy, Lady Human?
Sweetie: Yeah, you look like a bulldog.
Me: Oh, it’s silly.
MoonCat: So you are a bulldog.
Me: Well, no, but I just had a picture taken yesterday and I saw wrinkles on my face I never knew were there before.
Doodlebug: Oh, is that all?
Sweetie: We do that all the time. Join our club.
MoonCat: No, don’t, Lady Human. Have you seen the rest of them?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what do humans do when they have a problem?
Me: Depends on the type of problem.
Sweetie: He just wants to complain because I borrowed his dumb ole chew stick.
Doodlebug: It’s not dumb! It’s the best chew stick in the world. And it’s MINE!
Sweetie: Yeah, well, you can keep your ole chew stick then. It tastes nasty anyway, just like you.
Me: Okay! Sweetie, over there! Doodlebug, here’s your chew toy! Sit over there!
Doodlebug: Ew! It’s got her spit on it!
Me: I’ve never known you to be so particular before.
MoonCat: Lady Human, go back to your forever mysterious human activities. I declare the Complaint Department closed…until I have a complaint.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, what’s all the noise about?
Sweetie: How rude! It’s not noise. It’s a song of our people.
Me: No, it’s not. It’s noise. There are songs and there is music, but sometimes noise is just noise.
MoonCat: And the truly intelligent can tell the difference which is why I am going to another room.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie, look out behind you! She’s got nail clippers!
Sweetie: Lady Human, were you sneaking up on me with nail clippers?
Me: Who? Me? Why would I do something like that?
MoonCat: Because humans are sneaky, but not being cats, they aren’t very good at it.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what you are doing is weird, even for a human.
Sweetie: Stop that! You are walking, but not going anywhere. That’s unnatural and not bulldoggy at all.
Me: Well, I’m not a bulldog. And this is an elliptical. It’s an exercise machine.
MoonCat: Steer clear of the monster’s metal legs, y’all. I’m parking myself way out of reach.
Me: What’s the matter? This thing doesn’t move unless I move it.
Sweetie: How come you are walking and not going anywhere?
Doodlebug: Yeah, why not just walk like yourself? Or like us?
Sweetie: Enough fake walking. Stop it, Lady Human. Go back to normal…if that is even something you ever were.
Doodlebug (whispering): What was that about? Walking without going anywhere.
Sweetie: Yeah, next thing you know, humans will climb into a metal box with wings and try to fly like a bird.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 