“Being off leash can be great, so long as everyone behaves themselves.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Off Leash Part 2
Exotic Scents – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something is wrong in the air.
Sweetie: Yes, it’s an unusual scent. Not from around here. Uh-oh, it’s Lady Human!
Doodlebug: What have you gotten into, ma’am? It smells…heavy.
Me: Well, I did use a new shampoo on my hair.
Sweetie: Good thing you only have a little hair on top of your head or we would not be able to breathe.
Me: I realize you have industrial strength noses and I can smell this myself.
Sweetie: With your puny little smeller.
Doodlebug: Just imagine what you smell like to us. Time to get some fresh air.
Me: Y’all?
Sweetie: No, you. Maybe the whole sky can float some of that scent away. Phew!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
An Ordinary Day – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: BORING!
Me: What if we do something really interesting and exciting?
Sweetie: BORING!
Doodlebug: But a nice try, Lady Human.
MoonCat: Meow. Why are dogs so easily bored? I am never bored.
Sweetie: All you ever do is stretch, eat, and nap.
MoonCat: Precisely. Never a boring moment.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Grab Your Umbrella
“Umbrellas guard against sun, rain…uh, oh! And BIRDS!”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldog Schedule – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Teatime is late, Lady Human. This is not a complaint, but it really is a complaint.
Me: It’s not nearly time for that yet.
Sweetie: Bulldog schedules are never wrong. Our stomachs are finely tuned instruments, far better than your clocks.
Me: I’ve noticed that y’all have been moving mealtimes around the last few weeks. Is it because the weather is cooling off?
Doodlebug: Bulldogs don’t respond to the weather any more than we respond to your human clocks.
MoonCat: Meow! Time to eat!
Me: Oh, not you, too.
MoonCat: Not me, too! Me first!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Clear Through
“I’m so simple that you can see right through me.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Mad as a Wet Hen – Conversations with Sweetie
Sweetie: Lady Human, it’s that big bird again.
Me: Yeah, I see her.
Sweetie: She’s all wet. How come?
Me: It rained earlier. She must have decided to stay out in the downpour instead of going inside her house.
Sweetie: Is that why she’s in my space, stomping around?
Me: She’s probably just trying to figure things out.
Sweetie: Well, one thing she needs to figure out is when to come in out of the rain.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Don’t Cross the Line!
“Don’t cross the line! This is dog territory! No chicken invaders allowed!”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Handful – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What’s the holdup? Where’s my supper?
MoonCat: Meow. Supper is late. And it’s me first, remember.
Me: I’m trying. I’ve got a handful of stuff I’m trying to sort out.
Doodlebug: No problem, Lady Human. Just hurry it up.
MoonCat: As long as it’s a handful of food for me.
Sweetie: Handful nothin’! I’m a bulldog! Bring the bucket!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Featherbrain
“Is that what is called a ‘featherbrain’? I thought that only applied to humans.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Running around like a Chicken – Conversations with Sweetie
Sweetie: Lady Human, we have a problem.
Me: What’s wrong?
Sweetie: There is something running around my sunbath area. I think it is a bird. It has wings, but it is not flying. I think something needs to be done.
Me: It’s alright, Sweetie. It’s a chicken.
Sweetie: Well, I knew it wasn’t a bulldog. But I don’t think it’s right to have a big chicken running around my sunbath spot.
Me: She won’t bother you.
Sweetie: What if she wants my spot? I’m not giving up my spot to a bird. I mean, what if she invites friends? It won’t be a sunbath anymore. It’ll be a bird bath.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Climb like a Chicken
“Have you ever seen a chicken climb a tall fence? It is an inspiring sight. But why did the chicken climb the fence? To get to the other side, I guess.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
The Burned Egg Temptation – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Where is it? Where is it? I smell it. Wait! It was right here on the floor. Emphasis on the was.
Me: Oh, you mean the eggs. Tall Man burned some eggs he was cooking and they spilled on the floor as he was taking them to the trash.
Sweetie: Spilled eggs? Trash? Eggs never belong in the trash, even burned ones. Where are they? Nevermind. I’ll check the trash.
Doodlebug: Too late.
Sweetie: Why are you licking your lips?
Doodlebug: Well, you see, you were taking a nap and there were these burned eggs on the floor and I didn’t want anybody to slip on them and I didn’t want anybody else to be tempted by them so…problem solved. Don’t bother to thank me.
Sweetie: Oh, I won’t.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Head Pets – Conversation with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Come over here, Doodle.
Sweetie: I’ll come over.
Me: Okay, but I still want Doodlebug to come.
MoonCat: Are you giving out treats?
Me: Not right now. Just head pets.
Sweetie: I’ll take one.
MonnCat: Me, too. Briefly.
Me: Come on, Doodle Boy. Head pets.
Doodlebug: Is this a trick?
Me: Since when is a head pet a trick?
Doodlebug: How do I know it’s not an attempt to control me?
Me: Don’t you like head pets?
Doodlebug: Yes. More than just about anything. Which makes them just the sort of thing humans would use to get their way.
Me: So…head pet?
Doodlebug: Yes, please. I guess it’s worth the risk.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Singing Away Summer – Conversations with Sweetie
Sweetie: It was nice of you, Lady Human, to invite me out here while you were cleaning.
Me: Well, you looked bored and Doodlebug and MoonCat are napping.
Sweetie: I like it outside. Sometimes. For a very short time.
Me: It has been super hot, but you are my only true sunbather.
Sweetie: One thing I don’t like…that sound.
Me: Which one?
Sweetie: The one like toenails tapping nonstop. Like one of the Little Human’s wind-up toys.
Me: Oh, the locusts. Cicadas. This is their time. Summer. Heat.
Sweetie: Why do they make so much noise?
Me: I guess because they are singing away summer.
Sweetie: I wish they would stop. Are locusts tougher than bulldogs?
Me: Nope.
Sweetie: Then they’re not a problem then, are they? I’ll take care of this! Hey, locusts! Quiet!
Me: I don’t think they’re listening to you.
Sweetie: I’ll make ’em listen. I’ll just throw my bulldog weight around. Where are they?
Me: Up in the trees.
Sweetie: Cowards.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Doodlebug Dreaming – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hold up there…Stop in the name of the bulldog law…Wub wub wub..wub…
Sweetie: Lady Human! Come quick! Doodlebug has plumb lost his mind and he didn’t have much to spare.
Me: No! He’s just dreaming. See! He’s asleep.
MoonCat: Meow. A bulldog waggling his feet and barking while asleep does not sound sane to me. A cat would never make such an undignified display.
Doodlebug: What? What’s going on? Where am I?
Me: You’re here at home with us. You’re fine. You were just having a dream.
Doodlebug: But what about all that…and all those…and that big….Where did that all go?
Me: Just back into dreamland for now.
Doodlebug: Well, those dream dogs that were trying to eat my dream mountain of dream food better stay in dreamland if they know what’s good for them! I’ll go back for the food later.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggese Interpreter Needed – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie, silence please! You are talking up a storm and saying nothing.
Sweetie: Ruff! Ruff! Bark. Eewww! Arghhh!
Me: Does anybody know what she’s saying? It’s all over the place.
MoonCat: Meow. Sounds like bulldog nonsense to me. But then all bulldog speech is nonsense. Nobody can interpret that.
Me: Okay, Sweetie, you just came back in from outside. You just ate a little while ago. Your water bowl is full. You sound like a mixed bag of everything rolled into one.
Sweetie: It is so simple! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME ALL THE TIME! DO WHAT I SAY EVEN IF I DON’T SAY ANYTHING YOU UNDERSTAND! I AM IN CHARGE HERE! WHY DON’T YOU ALL GET THAT?
Doodlebug: Oh, is that all?
MoonCat: Same ole, same ole.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Keep Your Paws Off of Our Stuff – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Don’t touch what’s not yours. Nothing on the floor is yours.
Sweetie: Then why do you throw food on the floor?
Me: I don’t. That comes from big bulldog mouths knocking food bowls about. I’m talking about keeping your paws and mouths off other people’s stuff.
MoonCat: Leave me out of the discussion. I mind my own things
Doodlebug: But you put your paws on other people’s stuff, Lady Human.
Sweetie: Yeah. You’re all the time touching my stuff. Our stuff. Well, it’s mostly mine.
Doodlebug: My stuff. Chew sticks. Balls. That softy toy.
Sweetie: Beds.
Me: Poop? Is that poop outside yours?
Doodlebug: Nope. It doesn’t have my name on it.
Sweetie: Nope. Anyway you can’t prove it.
Doodlebug: Hey, Lady Human, you can put your paws on all that poop outside. It’s all yours now.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Cloud Sitting – Conversations with Sweetie
I am Sweetie and I am patient.
Me: Patient for what? What are you waiting for?
Sweetie: Rain.
Me: Then you’re going to have a long wait. Come on back inside.
Sweetie: Nope. I am sitting under a cloud. That means rain.
Me: There is no cloud, Sweetie.
Sweetie: Yes, there is. See! It’s blocking the sun.
Me: That’s not a cloud. That’s an awning that Tall Man put up so we could sit out here a little.
Sweetie: Cloud. Awning. Same difference.
Me: Not really. An awning will never rain.
Sweetie: Then Tall Man will just have to try harder. I know! He can put the water tube on the fake cloud and I can turn the nob that lets the water out, just like I used to do to fill my puppy pool.
Me: NO!!! I mean…leave the nob turning to the humans.
Sweetie: But I know how. It’s not hard. I just put my mouth over it like…
Me: That’s all right. Let’s go in now.
Sweetie: Well, okay, but it’s no problem. Any time you want a fake rain cloud, just let me know.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – DANCE!
“When you dance, use everything you’ve been given! Not if you dance! WHEN!”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 