I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Excuse me, Sweetie. Move, please.
Sweetie: No, Lady Human, you move.
Me: No, YOU MOVE.
Sweetie: NO, YOU!
Me: NO, YOU!
Sweetie: NO, YOU!
MoonCat: Excuse me while I withdraw to a quieter bulldog/human-free area.
Doodlebug: Hey, I want to play. MOVE!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie, look out behind you! She’s got nail clippers!
Sweetie: Lady Human, were you sneaking up on me with nail clippers?
Me: Who? Me? Why would I do something like that?
MoonCat: Because humans are sneaky, but not being cats, they aren’t very good at it.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what you are doing is weird, even for a human.
Sweetie: Stop that! You are walking, but not going anywhere. That’s unnatural and not bulldoggy at all.
Me: Well, I’m not a bulldog. And this is an elliptical. It’s an exercise machine.
MoonCat: Steer clear of the monster’s metal legs, y’all. I’m parking myself way out of reach.
Me: What’s the matter? This thing doesn’t move unless I move it.
Sweetie: How come you are walking and not going anywhere?
Doodlebug: Yeah, why not just walk like yourself? Or like us?
Sweetie: Enough fake walking. Stop it, Lady Human. Go back to normal…if that is even something you ever were.
Doodlebug (whispering): What was that about? Walking without going anywhere.
Sweetie: Yeah, next thing you know, humans will climb into a metal box with wings and try to fly like a bird.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: It’s Fall!
MoonCat: Fall? What fell? I didn’t do it.
Sweetie: Are you sure, Lady Human? I didn’t hear anything fall.
Me: No, this is Fall, the season. You know. Autumn!
Doodlebug: Please make up your mind, ma’am.
Sweetie: Yeah. What fell?
Me: Nothing yet, but by tomorrow, the temperature will. 95° high today, high of 84° tomorrow.
Sweetie: Said the human in her mysterious language.
Me: Cooler! Fall means cooler.
Doodlebug: Why call it “Fall” then? Why not just call it “Cooler” or “Not so Hot”?
Sweetie: Humans never think things through.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Sweetie has placed her posterior in your softie chair.
Me: I noticed that. It’s been quite a while. I figured it was just to hot yet.
Sweetie: Yes, it’s still too hot, but I needed to survey my kingdom from a high spot.
MoonCat: Uh-oh, I feel a debate coming on.
Doodlebug: What do you mean your kingdom? It’s MY kingdom! I am the King! Just because I don’t choose to sit in a fancy human chair…
Me: Yeah, I never see you trying to sit on a chair.
Doodlebug: They are too confining.
Sweetie: What he means is that his posterior is too big.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Old English Bulldogges. Where is supper, Lady Human?
Me: Coming…There! How’s that look?
Sweetie: That’s wrong!
Doodlebug: Yeah, where’s the good stuff?
Me: That is good stuff.
Sweetie: No. No. No. Where’s the good stuff! You know. The GOOD STUFF!
Me: I don’t have any of the canned meat today, if that’s what you mean.
Doodlebug: MoonCat is getting some!
Me: MoonCat is getting cat food made for cats.
Sweetie: Yeah, but it smells wonderfully stinky and it’s in a can so why not let us try it?
Me: Nope. Let’s not cross that line.
Doodlebug: Not fair.
MoonCat: Eminently fair. And delicious. AND FOR CATS. Some lines should never be crossed.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Okay, when is it? When is it? When is it?
Me: When is what?
Sweetie: The special teatime you keep talking about. We’re ready.
Me: Oh, that’s just a human thing.
Doodlebug: Oh, no. Bait and switch, everybody!
Me: No, not ‘bait and switch’. You have your afternoon food. I have mine.
Sweetie: Yeah, hmmpphh. You get the good stuff.
MoonCat: No, I think, if you pay attention, you’ll see that Lady Human and I both get the good stuff. I’m glad that’s settled.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie? Why haven’t you eaten your food?
Sweetie: I can’t. There’s a bug on my bowl.
Me: Oh, it’s just a fly. Shoo it off.
Sweetie: Do you eat food that a fly has sat on?
Me: As a matter of fact…
Sweetie: Ooo! Don’t tell me!
Me: Look. A fly wouldn’t stand a chance of sitting on your bowl if your big ole bulldog mouth would eat when your food is set down and not hours later.
Sweetie: There’s just no telling where its feet have been.
MoonCat: No doubt all the same places your feet have been.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Where’s Sweetie?
Sweetie: Nowhere in particular.
MoonCat: Check behind the couch. Follow the sound of scraping.
Me: Sweetie?
Sweetie: Nope, nothing back here but…well, nothing.
Me: Sweetie! You’ve got my little fan’s electric cord tangled around your feet.
Sweetie: Oh, is that what that is? How did that get there?
Doodlebug: Well, you know how. You started playing with it and wound it around you.
Me: I don’t care about the fan, but I don’t want you to get hurt, so here goes the fan, off by itself where no one can get tangled in it.
Sweetie: Oh, pooh! It was my best friend when it blew on me.
Me: But it can’t blow when the cord is unplugged.
Sweetie: Well, just plug it back in over here where all these other electric plug and electric strings are.
Me: Nope. That is all going away. Safety first.
Sweetie: What’s second? Is second fun?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What is that awful noise? Lady Human, I blame you!
Me: Yeah, it’s me. Sorry. I’m gagging on a lot of allergy drainage.
Doodlebug: Oh, yeah, we’ve done that before, too.
MoonCat: Not me. I’ve never made annoying sounds.
Doodlebug: Take some of those tiny pink treats you gave us.
Me: The medicine? I have. It’ll just take a little time.
Sweetie: Nope! All gagging stops now! Bulldog order! It’s naptime!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How come the humans were sitting around all day yesterday?
Me: It was a holiday called Labor Day, so lots of people were off work.
Doodlebug: Does “labor” mean “lounge on chairs and do nothing”?
Me: No, actually “labor” means work.
MoonCat: Oh, my word! The workings of the human mind.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
And I am Sweetie. I am as my name and my face imply.
I am MoonCat. I am NOT a bulldog and I have not nor will I ever learn anything from a bulldog.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Why are you banging your metal bowls around?
Sweetie: Because they are empty.
Me: That’s because you already ate your supper.
Doodlebug: They do make a nice sound when they knock together.
Me: Not at midnight, they don’t. Y’all need better manners.
Doodlebug: Since when?
Sweetie: Yeah, we’re bulldogs. We don’t need no silly manners.
MoonCat: That right there says all you need to know about bulldogs.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: How well I know! What’s the problem, boy?
Doodlebug: Problem? What problem? There’s no problem.
Sweetie: She means why are you barking in your sleep?
Doodlebug: I was doing no such thing!
MoonCat: Yes. You were. Admit the truth, bulldog! You all are blabbermouths even when you sleep.
Doodlebug: Well, if I was talking in my sleep, and that’s a big IF, it’s because I had something to say. So…what did I say?
Sweetie: I dunno.
MoonCat: Who cares?
Me: I needed an interpreter.
Doodlebug: It could have been the most important thing ever said and you humans have all these phones and recording dealywhoppers and nobody captured my special comments…
Sweetie: Whoa there, big boy! Let’s not get carried away! Not every burp that you let loose smells like roses.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: And I am Sweetie and no one enters here unless I say so. And I don’t.
Me: Why are you body blocking me?
Sweetie: Because I can.
Me: Excuse me!
Sweetie: Nope.
Me: I need to pass, please.
Sweetie: I don’t think so.
MonnCat: I am so glad that I can just jump over bulldogs.
Me: I need to get over there.
Sweetie: Or what?
Me: Or there won’t be any food in your bowl.
Sweetie: Oh, well, that’s different. I didn’t know you were doing something useful at last. Proceed.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Everybody, get over there now. That’s an order!
Me: Hold on! I’m working on something here.
Sweetie: Too bad. Too sad. Everybody goes over there right now.
Me: Are you trying to herd us? We aren’t cows and you aren’t a working dog.
Doodlebug: You got that right, Lady Human. More like a sleeping dog.
MoonCat: I believe I will just take myself out of this cattle herd right now and go back to the ranch. Nobody herds cats.
Sweetie: Hey! Yeehah! Look at me! I’m a cowboy. This is a roundup! They don’t call me “bull” dog for nothin’.
Me, Doodlebug and MoonCat: Oh, great!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, watch out! How are the humans going to know I am the King if you interrupt me.
Sweetie: How indeed? Move aside! Coming through!
Me: Ow, that’s my foot.
Sweetie: Your foot should be more careful where it puts itself.
MoonCat: I’m just going to put myself in a nice out of the way corner until this is over.
Me: We need to start exercising a little common courtesy around here.
Sweetie: Okay. How little?
Doodlebug: And how common?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
May 28, 2024, 6:05 a.m.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The sky is wailing, Lady Human. Please tell it to shut up.
Me: That’s the Tornado Warning.
Sweetie: So this is another human mess.
Me: Well, the siren is human, but no, we did not invent tornadoes.
Doodlebug: Don’t they know some of us are trying to sleep?
MoonCat: They don’t care about such things. Interruptions are their forte.
Me: Nobody is supposed to sleep just now. That siren says they have detected a hook cloud in the county. That means nearby.
Sweetie: Does this mean an early breakfast?
Me: It can. Is that why you came to get me?
Sweetie: No, I came to get you because I love you. And I wanted to visit with you. And to see if I could get an early breakfast.
BOOM!
Sweetie: Oh, Lady Humaaannn. The patio door’s open.
Me: Oh, great! The wind blew it open! The latch can’t hold it. I’ll have to.
Doodlebug: If the door’s open, we can all go outside to pee.
Me: Nobody is going outside to do anything. We are hunkering down. Except for me. I’m holding the door closed. Yay.
MoonCat: Consider me hunkered down. Y’all sleep tight.
Doodlebug: How long will this go on?
Me: Until the storm passes.
Sweetie: Who turned off the lights? How am I supposed to see my breakfast…when it eventually gets here?
Me: Power’s off. And now we’ve lost the phone and the internet, too.
Doodlebug: Point me in the right direction. I’ll go sniff ’em out.
Me: Sorry, Doodle. It don’t work that way.
Sweetie: The door is pushing you, Lady Human! Bulldog it! You’re plenty big enough!
Me: At least the steel gate is holding. That’s working.
Sweetie: Nothing else around here seems to be. Okay, time for early breakfast!
Me: Sorry, girl. You’ll have to wait until I can let go of the door.
Sweetie: See, Doodle! Keeping the wind and rain out of the house is more important to humans than breakfast. They have their priorities all wrong.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Service, please!
Me: Already?
Doodlebug: Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. My bed blankets need changing.
Me: I just gave you clean blankets last night.
Doodlebug: Yes, but these smell yucky now.
Sweetie: Yeah, they smell like him.
MoonCat: Need I say more?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: MoonCat? What are you doing all the way back here?
MoonCat: Exploring the wonderful bulldog-free mysteries of this palace.
Me: Well, It’s not exactly a palace…
MoonCat: It has rooms, floors, halls, doors, and this lovely litter box cubicle. Of course, it’s a palace. And no bulldogs.
Me: Well, every once in a while they wander in here.
MoonCat: Don’t spoil it for me, Lady Human.
Me: And this is my bathroom, not a litter box cubicle.
MoonCat: You could have fooled me.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 