I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Item 2 on the Bulldog Permission List…
Me: How long is this list?
Sweetie: Too long to count. Item 2…no…wait…I haven’t made that one up yet.
MoonCat: Welcome to “Bulldog Imaginary World”, run by bulldogs, for bulldogs, and not very well run at that.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I have an announcement. Due to strange things that happen around here, I have made a list of permitted behavior.
Me: Oh, goody. I was waiting for a bulldog to tell us what we are allowed to do.
Sweetie: First, Lady Human may crochet so long as she does not make sweaters.
Me: How about hats?
Sweetie: Hats for humans only. And cats. Cats can have hats.
MoonCat: I beg to differ.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, why are you playing with long string? You are not a cat, are you?
Sweetie: You’re not a secret cat, are you? Because that would be too weird for words.
Me: I’m not a cat, secret or otherwise. No, the string is yarn and I am crocheting.
Sweetie: But that’s where sweaters come from!
Doodlebug: No sweaters!
Sweetie: No sweaters!
Me: I’m crocheting a little amigurami toy as a gift.
Sweetie: Phew! That was a close call.
MoonCat: You wouldn’t happen have some leftovers of that yarn, would you? I ever so love that stuff. BUT NO SWEATERS!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Uh, Lady Human, what’s happening?
Baby and Bud: Chirp. Tweet.
Sweetie: Why are the birds eating now?
Me: It’s their evening meal. You watch. They do that every day about this time.
Sweetie: Do they tell time from that clock with the moving sticks the way you do?
Me: No, more like they use their stomach clock.
Doodlebug: I want one of those.
Me: Y’all each have one already.
Doodlebug: Huh. I don’t feel it.
Me: You feel it four times a day. Morning. Lunchtime. Afternoon. Evening.
Sweetie: Why don’t the little clock sticks tickle?
MoonCat: Lady Human, they believe every single thing you tell them. Now they believe they have physical clocks in their bellies. That’s just sad. Please, please be careful what you tell them next. No daggers in the eyes. No fire-breathing noses. Beliefs carry consequences. And there’s no telling where bulldog consequences may end up.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: That was good, Lady Human, but not nearly enough.
Me: That’s all for now.
Sweetie: MORE!
Me: Yelling won’t get you more.
Doodlebug: What if we both yell? MORE!
Me: Even less likely you’ll get more. More will make you bloated and you’ll feel bad.
Sweetie: Then how come I want more?
Me: One of the great philosophical questions of our time.
MoonCat: The answer is obvious. Need I say it aloud. Oh, all right. BULLDOG!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, just how weak is your nose? Can you smell what I’m thinking?
Me: Uh…no. Sometimes I can look at you and tell what you are thinking. Like when you are side glancing at your empty food bowl.
Doodlebug: Seeing is fine. Smelling is so much better.
Sweetie: Yeah, smelling can tell you things eyes never can, like whether or not someone is likeable or trustworthy or kind. Or interesting.
MoonCat: Or if they have treats in their pocket. Admit it, bulldogs. That’s what’s really interesting to you.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, do you smell?
Me: You mean do I stink?
Sweetie: Well, of course you stink. You’re a human. No, I mean can you smell stuff?
Me: Yeah, but not a fraction as well as y’all can.
Doodlebug: Can you smell when somebody you know has passed by a spot?
Me: Only if they’re wearing perfume. Or, well, doing something else.
Sweetie: Can you scent when someone is in a bad mood and you should stay away?
Me: No, but I sure wish I could.
MoonCat: Can you scent when the air is stale because bulldogs have been opening their wide mouths too much, polluting the air? I sure can.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: There sits the deep well. It is full of water. Beyond that is the end of the earth.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Sweetie: Hear it moan under its load.
Me: That’s because it’s a washing machine.
Doodlebug: It is moaning though.
Me: It’s a loud washing machine. Nice of you to wax poetic about it, Sweetie. That makes doing the wash seem special.
MoonCat: Beyond the moaning machine lays the land of cat quietude where is posted in shining words: No Bulldogs Allowed!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, how come the blank stares?
Sweetie: Blank?
Doodlebug: Stares? Like the ones we walk up and down? I hate those.
Me: Blank stares as in you look like you don’t have a thought in your heads. Empty noggins.
Sweetie: I don’t have a noggin.
Doodlebug: Me either. You didn’t see me take one. Or did you? If I did, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take anyone’s noggin.
Me: An empty noggin is an empty head.
Sweetie: My noggin’s not empty. I have lots of snot in it.
MoonCat: That explains an awful lot.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I have a bulldog plan so that what happened yesterday will never happen again. No more loud booms. No more bullhorns.
Doodlebug: Yes, leave the bulls alone with their horns.
Me: Sounds interesting. What’s the plan?
Sweetie: Humans don’t do anything anymore. Bulldogs run it all.
Me: Uh-oh.
Sweetie: Admit it, ma’am. Humans have been fouling stuff up for a long time. Bulldogs would do a better job.
Me: I have trouble picturing that.
MoonCat: Picture this. A total disaster where nothing works and bulldogs have chewed everything up. Then they’ve deposited their “stuff” everywhere before snoring loudly through their numerous naps. An occasional loud noise instead? I can live with that.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: REALLY? IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? WHAT WAS THAT HUGE BOOM NOISE?
Me: Stay back! Let me check. Quiet down. A man is speaking through a bullhorn.
Doodlebug: How did a human get a bull to let him use his horn?
Me: It’s a device that makes your voice louder. It’s the police. I can’t make out what he’s saying. He’s pausing after he talks. It’s pitch dark outside. I can’t see a thing. No flashing lights or nothing.
Sweetie: I’ll bet you dimes to donuts it’s humans acting up. Bulldogs would never be this rude.
Me: Where did you hear “dimes to donuts”?
Sweetie: Tall Man. He knows everything.
Me: Well, he’s still asleep, so he doesn’t know about this. There’s nothing to do here. We’ll find out later. I’m going back to bed.
MoonCat: Sanity prevails.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what are you mumbling under your breath? I don’t understand you.
Me: Brain blabbing. I don’t understand me either. Talk, talk, talk. Most of it total nonsense that hasn’t happened, won’t happen, maybe never even could happen.
Doodlebug: Oh, that stuff. Blah, blah, blah. I do that all the time, like this morning when those loud, humongous trucks came to grab trash cans and I thought, “Don’t come through that fence! What do I do if they come through that fence? Where do I run if they come through that fence? Should I run them off if they come through that fence?
MoonCat: Should I run through that fence to escape hearing about this fence nonevent?
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What was all that on the Big Picture Box last night, Lady Human? It was scary.
Me: Oh, that was just a story somebody made up.
Doodlebug: Made up?
Me: Yeah. Imagined. It didn’t happen in real life. They just made it look as though it did.
Doodlebug: Why ever would a human do that?
Me: Imagination is built into us by the Creator. You have it, too. Like when y’all dream. You’re asleep, but you’re barking and running. And the whole time, you’re just laying there on your bed. Well, humans dream, too, asleep and awake.
Sweetie: Like when Doodlebug makes up that he’s the King of the Olde English Bulldogges, whoever they are.
MoonCat: Watch out. Don’t go there.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Doggone it! Sorry, y’all! I got frustrated there when that thing wouldn’t come loose.
Sweetie: You barked, Lady Human! You barked out loud!
Me : Yeah. I let loose what my father used to call a fake cussword. Sorry.
Doodlebug: That’s okay. We get upset and bark, too. So where has that dog gone?
Me: What?
Sweetie: Yeah, where has the dog gone? I didn’t see it.
Me: No, there’s no other dog. That’s the fake cussword. It’s made up.
MoonCat: Uh-oh. I think we’ve entered one of those human arenas we should have left well enough alone.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Here we go again.
Me: Sweetie, why are you staring at the clock?
Sweetie: Shhh! I’m waiting for the moving sticks on it to tell me when it’s time.
Me: Time for what?
Sweetie: I don’t know. I’ll know when it tells me.
Me: Clocks won’t tell you things…
Sweetie: Didn’t you say that clocks tell the time?
Me: Yeah, but…okay, you look at a clock and read its face for the time.
Sweetie: I thought you read books. Now you read faces, too?
MoonCat: Read my face.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, why are you all bent over like that?
Me: Ugh, my back is tight. My legs are tight. I need new parts.
Sweetie: Oh, is that all?
Doodlebug: Bulldogs feel like that all the time.
Sweetie: Tall Man took old wheels off the rolling box and put new ones on and it rolled again just fine. Do that.
Me: Not the same.
Sweetie: How come? Seems the same to me.
MoonCat: In case it’s escaped your notice, humans don’t come equipped with wheels.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, where is our food, please?
Me: Oh, yeah, it’s about that time, isn’t it?
Sweetie: Oh, not that “time” thing again.
Me: Well, it’s on schedule.
Sweetie: But the other day, you changed the “time” when we ate, so this “schedule” thing must not be all that.
Doodlebug: And a bag of potato chips. Are potato chips on the “schedule” thing? ‘Cause I wouldn’t mind it if they were. Wonderful things, potato chips.
MoonCat: Wonderful things – regular meals and never being really hungry. Don’t forget the important stuff. And the occasional can of tunafish.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: I’ll be ready to play in a few minutes. Let me spend a little more time on this project.
Sweetie: What happened to all that time you saved the other day. Spend that and play now.
Me: That’s not exactly how it works.
Sweetie: It never is how humans say it is, is it, Lady Human?
MoonCat: It took a long time for you to figure that out, didn’t it?
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, to save some time later, I’m going to feed y’all now.
Sweetie: If you do it now, how does that save time later?
Me: Well, true. The time is still spent.
Sweetie: This time thing has gotten out of control, Lady Human. Now it’s changing when we eat! EATING! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!
Doodlebug: And isn’t “spent” what you did with that serious stuff you call “money”?
MoonCat: I can tell this conversation is going to take some time.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Sit down, Lady Human. Take a load off.
Me: Just one more thing.
Doodlebug: Yeah, take a load off. A load off of what?
Sweetie: Her feet. She’s only got two of them. And, I mean, look at her. Would you want to carry all that on only two feet?
MoonCat: Oh, my.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 