Afternoon Tea – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Okay, when is it? When is it? When is it?

Me: When is what?

Sweetie: The special teatime you keep talking about. We’re ready.

Me: Oh, that’s just a human thing.

Doodlebug: Oh, no. Bait and switch, everybody!

Me: No, not ‘bait and switch’. You have your afternoon food. I have mine.

Sweetie: Yeah, hmmpphh. You get the good stuff.

MoonCat: No, I think, if you pay attention, you’ll see that Lady Human and I both get the good stuff. I’m glad that’s settled.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Buggy – Conversations with Sweetie & MoonCat

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Me: Sweetie? Why haven’t you eaten your food?

Sweetie: I can’t. There’s a bug on my bowl.

Me: Oh, it’s just a fly. Shoo it off.

Sweetie: Do you eat food that a fly has sat on?

Me: As a matter of fact…

Sweetie: Ooo! Don’t tell me!

Me: Look. A fly wouldn’t stand a chance of sitting on your bowl if your big ole bulldog mouth would eat when your food is set down and not hours later.

Sweetie: There’s just no telling where its feet have been.

MoonCat: No doubt all the same places your feet have been.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Tangled Web – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Where’s Sweetie?

Sweetie: Nowhere in particular.

MoonCat: Check behind the couch. Follow the sound of scraping.

Me: Sweetie?

Sweetie: Nope, nothing back here but…well, nothing.

Me: Sweetie! You’ve got my little fan’s electric cord tangled around your feet.

Sweetie: Oh, is that what that is? How did that get there?

Doodlebug: Well, you know how. You started playing with it and wound it around you.

Me: I don’t care about the fan, but I don’t want you to get hurt, so here goes the fan, off by itself where no one can get tangled in it.

Sweetie: Oh, pooh! It was my best friend when it blew on me.

Me: But it can’t blow when the cord is unplugged.

Sweetie: Well, just plug it back in over here where all these other electric plug and electric strings are.

Me: Nope. That is all going away. Safety first.

Sweetie: What’s second? Is second fun?

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Gag Order – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: What is that awful noise? Lady Human, I blame you!

Me: Yeah, it’s me. Sorry. I’m gagging on a lot of allergy drainage.

Doodlebug: Oh, yeah, we’ve done that before, too.

MoonCat: Not me. I’ve never made annoying sounds.

Doodlebug: Take some of those tiny pink treats you gave us.

Me: The medicine? I have. It’ll just take a little time.

Sweetie: Nope! All gagging stops now! Bulldog order! It’s naptime!

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Lounging – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: How come the humans were sitting around all day yesterday?

Me: It was a holiday called Labor Day, so lots of people were off work.

Doodlebug: Does “labor” mean “lounge on chairs and do nothing”?

Me: No, actually “labor” means work.

MoonCat: Oh, my word! The workings of the human mind.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Sky Fans – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Complaint!

Me: What else is new?

Doodlebug: It’s hot, Lady Human.

Me: Yes, I noticed that.

Sweetie: The sky fans aren’t pulling their weight.

Me: The ceiling fans are turned on full blast.

Sweetie: Not good enough!

Doodlebug: We need more sky fans. There! And there! And there! And…

Me: Sorry. There’s no more room for more ceiling fans. We’ll just have to make do.

Sweetie: Make do? Is that another human failure thing?

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Why Shouldn’t Bulldogs Have Good Manners? – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Why are you banging your metal bowls around?

Sweetie: Because they are empty.

Me: That’s because you already ate your supper.

Doodlebug: They do make a nice sound when they knock together.

Me: Not at midnight, they don’t. Y’all need better manners.

Doodlebug: Since when?

Sweetie: Yeah, we’re bulldogs. We don’t need no silly manners.

MoonCat: That right there says all you need to know about bulldogs.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Sit! – Conversations with Doodlebug

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Sit.

Doodlebug: I beg your pardon.

Me: Sit!

Doodlebug: Well, that was rude!

Me: Nothing rude about it. You’re my dog. I need you to sit so I can trim your nails. Sit!

Doodlebug: I don’t believe you have the right to tell me how to use my legs…

Me: SIT!

Doodlebug: Oh, all right! But you sure have a way of making “sit” sound like a dirty word.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Break the Monotony – Conversations with Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Sweetie: Roll, roll, roll your boat, gently down the cardboard…

Me: Sweetie, that’s not exactly how the old song goes.

Sweetie: It’s not your old human song, ma’am. It’s my new bulldog song. Nothing like a vigorous roll on the cardboard box accompanied by a loud song.

Me: Well, it is fun to watch.

Sweetie: Humans should try it. It’s a lot less boring than watching the Picture Box.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Commenting in Your Sleep – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: How well I know! What’s the problem, boy?

Doodlebug: Problem? What problem? There’s no problem.

Sweetie: She means why are you barking in your sleep?

Doodlebug: I was doing no such thing!

MoonCat: Yes. You were. Admit the truth, bulldog! You all are blabbermouths even when you sleep.

Doodlebug: Well, if I was talking in my sleep, and that’s a big IF, it’s because I had something to say. So…what did I say?

Sweetie: I dunno.

MoonCat: Who cares?

Me: I needed an interpreter.

Doodlebug: It could have been the most important thing ever said and you humans have all these phones and recording dealywhoppers and nobody captured my special comments…

Sweetie: Whoa there, big boy! Let’s not get carried away! Not every burp that you let loose smells like roses.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Step Aside! – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: And I am Sweetie and no one enters here unless I say so. And I don’t.

Me: Why are you body blocking me?

Sweetie: Because I can.

Me: Excuse me!

Sweetie: Nope.

Me: I need to pass, please.

Sweetie: I don’t think so.

MonnCat: I am so glad that I can just jump over bulldogs.

Me: I need to get over there.

Sweetie: Or what?

Me: Or there won’t be any food in your bowl.

Sweetie: Oh, well, that’s different. I didn’t know you were doing something useful at last. Proceed.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Herd Dog – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Everybody, get over there now. That’s an order!

Me: Hold on! I’m working on something here.

Sweetie: Too bad. Too sad. Everybody goes over there right now.

Me: Are you trying to herd us? We aren’t cows and you aren’t a working dog.

Doodlebug: You got that right, Lady Human. More like a sleeping dog.

MoonCat: I believe I will just take myself out of this cattle herd right now and go back to the ranch. Nobody herds cats.

Sweetie: Hey! Yeehah! Look at me! I’m a cowboy. This is a roundup! They don’t call me “bull” dog for nothin’.

Me, Doodlebug and MoonCat: Oh, great!

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Common Courtesy – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, watch out! How are the humans going to know I am the King if you interrupt me.

Sweetie: How indeed? Move aside! Coming through!

Me: Ow, that’s my foot.

Sweetie: Your foot should be more careful where it puts itself.

MoonCat: I’m just going to put myself in a nice out of the way corner until this is over.

Me: We need to start exercising a little common courtesy around here.

Sweetie: Okay. How little?

Doodlebug: And how common?

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Persnickety – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Hmmph.

Me: Okay, I know that hmmph. What’s wrong?

Sweetie: My water has a funny smell.

Me: Only if it’s a smell you put in it just now. I washed your bowl and refilled it not half an hour ago.

Sweetie: Smell it.

Me: Sorry, I don’t smell a thing.

Doodlebug: She means use your bulldog nose.

Me: I don’t have a bulldog nose.

Sweetie: Can you order one? From that place that sends all the great cardboard boxes?

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Not Again! – Conversations with Doodlebug & Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Okay, not again! LADY HUMAN!

Sweetie: What have you done now, Lady Human?

Me: Not a thing. I’m enjoying the power outages just like the rest of you.

Sweetie: Where is my fan air?

Me: Same place as my lamp light.

Doodlebug: You can use the Great Creator’s Big Light. It’s on. For right now.

Me: And you can breathe and enjoy His fresh air. It’s on, too.

Sweetie: Bulldogs have certain minimum requirements that are not being met.

Me: Why don’t we all just settle down and relax?

Doodlebug: Relax? We are full-blown bulldogs! How little you know us!

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Change the Sheets – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Service, please!

Me: Already?

Doodlebug: Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. My bed blankets need changing.

Me: I just gave you clean blankets last night.

Doodlebug: Yes, but these smell yucky now.

Sweetie: Yeah, they smell like him.

MoonCat: Need I say more?

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Goofy Hats – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you laughing at, Lady Human? And Sweetie, how come you’re laughing, too? I’m serious. I’m not funny.

Me: Your head. A flower drifted down from a tree and it’s sitting on your head like a tiny hat.

Sweetie: You look goofy.

Doodlebug: Get it off! I can’t look goofy! I’m the king!

Me: It’s just a flower.

Doodlebug: No one will take me seriously.

Sweetie: Too late. No one ever has.

Me: It’s alright. It just blew away.

Doodlebug: Good. No tree should put a hat on me anyway. Now I’m normal.

Sweetie: I wouldn’t say that.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

To Improve Promptness – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Service! Service here now!

Me: Hold your horses!

Doodlebug: We have no horses to hold.

Sweetie: But if we did, you’d better believe we could hold them.

Me: I’m mean, what’s the hurry?

Doodlebug: Me. I’m the hurry.

Me: It’s not like you’re going to give me a tip.

Sweetie: Tip?

Me: Yeah, a reward “to improve promptness”.

Doodlebug: Here’s a tip. Promptly let me outside or you will promptly be cleaning up the floor.

Me: Fair enough.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.