Bulldoggy

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has been bringing the house rules up again so we need to go over them again.

Wiggles:  No.

Doodlebug:  No.

Miss Sweetie:  We have rules?

Stella:  First rule – keep the barking down to a bare minimum.

Wiggles:  No.

Doodlebug:  No.

Miss Sweetie:  I can’t help it. The barks just come popping out.

Stella:  I believe this to be a violation of our free speech rights.

Wiggles:  Yeah, the humans are always yelling about their rights to speak. What about our rights?

Doodlebug:  Bulldog rights! Bulldog rights! Bulldog rights!

Stella:  Hush, Doodle! No barking! You sound like a human!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is that horrible noise in the sky? Look! A big shiny bird! Help it, Lady Human! It must be in pain to make such an ugly loud noise!

Me:  That’s just a plane. It’s coming in for a landing.

Stella:  It is landing here? No! It is too big! Shoo it away!

Me:  It is not landing here. It will land nearby. It is an airplane.

Stella:  Why did the Great Creator make big, shiny, loud birds?

Me:  Humans made big, shiny birds…correction, airplanes. The Great Creator’s birds are graceful and soft and lovely and colorful.

Stella:  Then why would humans make a big loud bird?

Me:  So we could fly in it.

Stella:  Foolishness.  Just like humans to make some loud thing so they can pretend to be something they are not.

Me:  I recall that you used to dream of flying so you could chase squirrels.

Stella:  That was long ago. I no longer dream that dream. Look at me. Imagine if I tried to land myself in our yard. Too horrible to consider. Now I am happy to keep my four feet on the ground and let the squirrels come to me.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Run! Monsters! Flying Monsters! Save yourselves! Save me, too!

Me:  It’s alright, Stella!

Stella:  Save the tiny human!

Me:  She seems to be doing okay.

Stella:  Have all the humans lost their minds!

Me:  Stella, calm down. I know you don’t like the TV anymore. Just wait over by the door. We’ll be finished in a few minutes.

Stella:  Do you mean those monsters are just on the Picture Box?

Me:  Yup. It’s a video game. We are battling dinosaurs and we are doing very well at it.

Stella:  Humans made a game with monsters? You think that is fun?

Me:  Ummm, well, yeah.

Stella:  Who can ever comprehend the human mind?

Me:  That’s quite a philosophical question for a bulldog.

Stella:  Bulldogs are straight thinkers. We don’t like monsters; therefore, we don’t make them up so we can shoot them with little lights. Please learn from us, Lady Human.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where are you going with MoonCat? What’s wrong?

Me:  Nothing. Just vaccine time. You look all worried, Stella.

Stella:  What? Why would I look worried about a cat? So… she’s all right?

Me:  This is a routine vet visit.

Stella:  The vet! NOOOO!!! She must be so scared!

Me:  I put a big, folded towel in her carrier, so she’ll feel more at home.

Stella:  She may be a cat, but she is not that dumb, Lady Human.

Me:  Well, we’re going now.

Stella:  Wait! Are you going to bring her back?

Me:  Are you concerned that she won’t come back?

Stella:  Well, I’m just kind of used to having her around, you know, to chase and other such bulldog pursuits. You can’t chase a cat that’s not here. So…

Me:  That’s sweet, Stella. You love MoonCat.

Stella:  Don’t go overboard there, Lady Human.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved, 

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human call those humans with flashing lights on their rolling boxes. Someone has taken away our forest.

Wiggles:  Yes, the tall weeds are gone.

Doodlebug:  The yard is so empty. Make them bring the tall, skinny plants back!

Miss Sweetie:  Once again, I can run free and see where I am going. Yay!

Me:  No need to call the law. Nothing has been stolen. I have been cutting our lamb’s quarter jungle down bit by bit and now the progress is showing.

Stella:  When will you bring it back?

Me:  Well, I won’t. All those plants are annuals. They die out each year.

Wiggles:  How will we hide from each other?

Me:  I guess you’ll have to wait for next spring to see if they come back.

Stella:  Not good enough. We had a perfectly good forest and it died out?

Me:  It was not a real forest.

Stella:  It looked like one to us.

Me:  When you’re as close to the ground as you all are, I can see how that mistake can be made.

Stella:  Are you calling us stupid or stumpy?

Me:  I am calling you bulldogs.

Stella:  Nice save, Lady Human.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. EXCUSE ME, LADY HUMAN!

Me:  What?

Stella:  Move aside.

Me:  Move aside what?

Stella:  Move aside out of my way. I’m coming through.

Me:  All right, Prancey.

Stella:  Who are you calling Prancey?

Me:  You, Miss Horsey.

Stella:  I am not a horse. I am a beautiful bulldog.

Me:  That doesn’t stop you from acting horsey.

Stella:  So…acting horsey is the same as acting bulldoggy? Thank you, Lady Human. At first I thought you were trying to insult me.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved,

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Play with me, Lady Human.

Me:  In a little while.

Stella:  No! Now!

Me:  Not right this minute.

Stella:  How demanding do you want me to be?

Me:  Not at all. If you haven’t noticed, I am babysitting.

Stella:  I noticed. That is why I am being ignored.

Me:  Here’s an idea. Lie down and roll onto your back.

Stella:  What? And expose my tummy to a little human? You know how they are!

Me:  Come on. I’ll be here.

Stella:  Oh, all right. For just a second. Then I’ll get up…and…say! That feels nice. Her hands are so soft and tickly.

Me:  Enough attention?

Stella:  Yeah. Just a little more over there. Yeah. That’s fine. Lady Human, you should babysit more often.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved. 

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Doodlebug! Quiet down!

Me:  I second that motion!

Doodlebug:  WHAT‘S THE MATTER?

• 

Me:  You are talking too loud.

Doodlebug:  HOW LOUD IS TOO LOUD?

Stella:  About like that right there.

Me:  If you need something, use your indoor voice. I can hear you just fine.

Doodlebug:  YOU MEAN…

Me:  Lower…

Doodlebug:  LIKE…

Stella:  Quieter…

Doodlebug:  Like this…whisper…whisper…whisper…

Stella:  Quieter…

Doodlebug:  If I get quieter, you won’t hear me at all.

Stella:  Yes, exactly! Do that!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.   

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. You are being sneaky again, Lady Human. You must know that our noses are smarter than your brains are.

Me:  I don’t know that at all.

Stella:  What do you have in the bag?

Me:  Leftovers.

Stella:  That’s interesting. Give me the bag.

Me:  That’s a little demanding of you.

Stella:  What’s the surprise? Look at me. Bulldog. Give me the bag.

Me:  I don’t think so.

Stella:  I’ll stand right here…

Me:  You can stand there all night. You are not getting these leftovers. It’s Tex-Mex. Too spicy for you. You will thank me later.

Stella:  I doubt that. Clear your food choices with me before you go out again. That Tex-Mex stuff is off the list from now on.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am scared, Lady Human.

Me:  How come?

Stella: There was something walking down the road. It was tall and walked on two legs, but it had the head of a…

Me:  What? The head of a what?

Stella:  It was horrible. HORRIBLE!

Me:  Stella, what was horrible?

Stella:  A two-legged monster with the head of a CAT!

Me:  Oh, that was just someone wearing a costume. It is a special day for that sort of thing.

Stella: So it was human?

Me:  Yeah.

Stella:  What about the one that looked like a bat?

Me:  Yep. Human.

Stella:  And all the princesses holding bags?

Me:  Yeah, all kids looking for candy give-aways.

Stella:  That’s a relief! I thought they were trying to replace me as queen.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you doing on the floor, Lady Human?

Me:  Cleaning up some of your discarded hair.

Stella:  Save it! We can glue it back on.

Me:  Why?

Stella:  So I won’t have bald spots like Wiggles does every winter.

Me:  It’s not a big deal. The hair grows back.

Stella:  But she has naked sides until it does. I don’t want naked spots.

Me:  You shed evenly so you don’t ever have naked spots.

Stella:  I still think you should save my floor hair just in case.

Me:  You shed enough hair to make a new dog every week and that’s only a slight exaggeration.

Stella:  Then don’t save my shed hair! Throw it all away. You are not allowed to make new dogs! That’s just crazy! And scary. And weird.

Me:  And not something I can really do. Remember?

Stella:  Oh, yeah. Whew! At least that’s good news.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ahhh. I am resting comfortably after a cool, rainy day of indoor naps and…hey! What was that?

Me:  What? Here, have a cheese cracker. The good kind.

Stella:  Thank you. Don’t mind if I do…hey!

Me: Have another cracker.

Stella: I get it! That’s a sneaky move, Lady Human! You trick me with belly rubs and my favorite crackers so you can snip my toenails. Well, cut it out!

Me:  l don’t see you turning down the snack.

Stella:  Of course not. What do I look like? An idiot with no crackers?

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sing! Sing, trees! Sing, sky!

Wiggles:  I am singing as loud as I can. Stop trying to drown me out!

Doodlebug:  Doh doh duh doh doh DOH! I am louder than everyone put together.

Miss Sweetie:  Ah ooooo. Oh oh oh ooooo!

Me:  What is all this racket about?

Stella:  Racket? You call our singing racket? Is racket a beautiful noise that you enjoy? Because if it is, here is some more.

Me:  No, thanks. I’ve had quite enough already. Why are you all caterwauling?

Stella:  Lady Human! How dare you compare us to cats?

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. You sneaked out on us again, Lady Human.

Wiggles:  Yeah, I can smell the food all over you.

Miss Sweetie:  You ate without us? Awww.

Doodlebug:  Now I feel sad. And hungry.

Me:  Here’s your food.

Stella:  Where did you go?

Me:  I met a friend of mine for dinner.

Stella:  Aren’t we your friends, too?

Me:  Sure, but…

Wiggles:  But we are not good enough friends to eat with you at a human food place. Awww.

Me:  Can you imagine me walking into a restaurant with 4 bulldogs?

Miss Sweetie:  I can.

Doodlebug:  Me, too. I can see it now in my big bulldog mind.

Miss Sweetie:  What’s a restaurant? Can I go?

Me:  Come on, y’all. Be reasonable.

Stella:  Reasonable? You’ve forgotten who you’re talking to.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s wrong?

Me:  One of the little silkie hens has passed away.

Stella:  Skinnyhead?

Me:  No, one of the others.

Stella:  Did I cause it? Did my big bulldog face scare her too much?

Me:  No, the temperature rising and falling so much during this past week probably contributed and she was getting older. She just went to sleep.

Stella:  Like Tiger? Like Snoopey?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  This is sad, Lady Human. It makes me worry.

Me:  Not even a sparrow falls without the Great Creator. Don’t worry about the little hen. Or Tiger or Snoopey. Or us.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am tired. I am sleepy. I want to go to bed.

Me:  Okay then. Go to bed. It’s right there.

Stella:  Put up your little black box. Go to bed yourself.

Me:  I’m reading.

Stella:  Go to bed.

Me:  Okay, but after I check this out.

Stella:  Go to bed!

Me:  Oh, look at this!

Stella:  Lights out!

Me:  Hey, I’m the adult human in the room.

Stella:  Since when has that made a difference.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is unbearable! It must stop!

Me: Unbearable what? Stop what?

Stella:  It’s Wiggles. She lays around wherever. She eats whatever. She is constantly demanding attention from you, attention that rightfully belongs to me! And…

Me:  And…?

Stella:  Every time I leave the room, she scoots into my special place! Now it smells more like her than it does like me. And I like my smell better than hers. She has taken over the world!

Me:  I believe that is a bit of an overstatement. The world is a pretty big place.

Stella:  You must stop her, Lady Human! Hold one of those silly human elections of yours.

Me:  I don’t believe that would work. Wiggles just does what Wiggles wants to do. Nobody elected her.

Stella:  But I am the Queen!

Me:  Nobody elected you either.

Stella:  I elected me! That’s all it takes!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, have you finished my laundry?

Me: I haven’t even finished my own laundry yet. It’s been a busy day.

Stella:  You can never be to busy to wait on me. You are my butler.

Me:  I most certainly am not your butler. Nor am I your waitress, your servant, your…

Stella:  Lady Human, who have you been talking to? Don’t you clean up after me?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  Don’t you serve me my food?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  Don’t you wash my blankets and toys?

Me:  Well, yes.

Stella:  Don’t you brush my hair?

Me:  Okay, I get the point.

Stella:  No, you don’t. Where is my clean laundry? What kind of a butler are you anyway?

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Wiggles. That is all. What are you doing, Lady Human?

Me:  Cleaning up the yard. The summer plants that die need to be removed. What are you doing?

Wiggles:  Staying out here with you without the others.

Me:  This is the first time you have gotten up on the picnic table in a good long while.

Wiggles:  It is cool now. Hey, what is that noise?

Me:  Oh, just the big trash truck coming through.

Wiggles:  Hey! Everybody! There’s a big truck coming near!

Me:  Uh, I already know that.

Wiggles:  Listen! Everybody! A big truck!

Me:  Why do I need to hear this? I already know about the big truck.

Wiggles:  My big voice will warn everyone.

Me:  Yep. Oh, listen! Now the rest of the pack is up from their afternoon nap because of your big voice. There is nothing wrong and nothing to be done. Just relax.

Wiggles:  I am relaxed. I just notified the whole world about the big loud truck. Yay me!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I’m put out, Lady Human.

Me:  And that is news how?

Stella:  Wiggles has too many beds.

Me:  And how many is too many?

Stella:  And number more than I have.

Me:  Let’s see. Well, you have a palace in my room and your bed and breakfast spot in the den.

Stella:  See! Two! Only two. Wiggles sleeps in her special blanketed box, in her crate, behind your big chair, beside my den bed, and, when she can make it, on your big chair. That’s one…two…three…four…five. Oh, and guess where she was this morning?  IN MY BED AND BREAKFAST SPOT IN THE DEN!

Me:  True, but she walked away when you walked in.

Stella:  There should be an equality of beds.

Me:  For Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie, too?

Stella:  Well, no, they are just children. They can make do. I need to rest my weary bones. Preferably in at least five or six different places.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.