” Never underestimate the value of ear plugs in a loud environment.”
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Ear Plugs
Bragging Rights – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. First, a few words about myself. I am the strongest, biggest bulldog ever…
Sweetie: Who gave you bragging rights? A few words about myself. I happen to be the strongest, smartest bulldog ever…
MoonCat: A few words about myself. Me and braggadocious bulldogs: YAWN!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Pleasant Surprise – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: It’s hot, Lady Human. Make it stop.
Me: Be patient. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by morning.
Sweetie: Oh, alright. No more complaining until morning.
MoonCat: That pleasant surprise would be a pleasant surprise.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Intruder Alert! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I smell a weirdness coming through the kitchen window.
Doodlebug: My nose does, too. It’s a…
Sweetie: It’s not a…
Me: It’s a coyote. It’s climbed the short fence into the side yard.
Sweetie: What’s it after?
Me: The chickens, no doubt, but it can’t reach them.
Doodlebug: No! It can’t have them!
Sweetie: Intruder! Intruder!
Doodlebug: Lady Human, why are you banging on the glass?
Me: Surprise! It thought no one was around. It’s running off now.
Sweetie: Why didn’t you sic us on it? We’re more than a match for…
MoonCat: For a wild dog that has to hunt for its food every day, is spry and underweighs you by half, and has the common sense to leave while it can?
Sweetie: Well, at least we barked.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Loudest Mouths – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come birds are so loud, louder than anything else, louder than bulldogs?
Me: You mean because of the cacophony we were just treated to from the chickens and the parakeets?
Doodlebug: It doesn’t seem right.
Sweetie: They squawk and yell and cockadoodle-doo for no reason at all.
Doodlebug: And it doesn’t make sense.
MoonCat: Hmmm. Doesn’t seem right and doesn’t make sense. Sounds like some four-legged critters I know.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Marching in Place – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Hey, what’s all the foot action?
Sweetie: Can’t bulldogs pretend to be marching without a thousand questions?
Me: You’re marching in place? Cute. I’ll bet you learned that from watching the birds march in step up and down their perches.
Bud and Baby: 1 ack, 2 ack, 3 ack, 4 ack.
Doodlebug: 1 ack, 2 ack, 3, ack, 4…
Sweetie: Cut the birdie talk, Doodle. It’s undignified.
Doodlebug: It helps me keep time.
Sweetie: No fair. They copied us.
MoonCat: Let me try a cadence. Bulldogs, about face! March! 1 and 2 and 3 and 4, down the hall and through the door!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Not My Brand – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Look, y’all! New crackers! Haven’t had any in a while.
Sweetie: Hold up there, Lady Human. Wrong box. Wrong scent. Those aren’t my brand. Where are the good ones? You know, the cheese ones.
Doodlebug: I don’t care. I’ll take ’em as is. Mmmmm! Crunchy!
Sweetie: Doodle, all your taste is in your mouth. Hold out for the good stuff.
Doodlebug: Of course, all my taste is in my mouth. I can’t taste stuff with my toes.
MoonCat: Good thing, too, with all the stuff your big bulldog feet walk in. Say, Lady Human, how about my brand of snack? Pure tuna, no crackers allowed.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Hidden Treasure – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Quick! Put that down in there and kick dirt all over it.
Doodlebug: I’m hurrying.
Sweetie: Uh-oh.
Me: What? Okay, where’d the hole come from?
Doodlebug: It just appeared. Nobody dug it.
Me: Yep, sure. What’s in there?
Sweetie: Treasure.
Me: Your toys are going to get wet and muddy down there. They’re going back inside the house.
Sweetie: Oh, poo! A perfectly good backyard hole. Now what can we use it for?
MoonCat: Holes should be dug for one reason and one reason only and it is not to hide treasure. Cats understand this.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Refuse Pile of Notions – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, there are two big bags of stuff in my favorite napping spot. And they don’t even smell interesting.
Me: Oh, I’ll move them. Those are just some old supplies I gathered that I’ve never used. I had notions about crafting decorations and stuffed animals and crocheting some more sweaters, but I never…
Sweetie: NO! NO! NO MORE SWEATERS! EVER!
MoonCat: Lady Human, kindly drive any notion of putting a sweater on me right out of your head and into the nearest refuse pile. For once, Sweetie and I stand united.
©️ 2025.H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Paw on the Shoulder – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, howcome uou’re all slumped over?
Me: Just human stuff.
Doodlebug: I’m so sorry you are a human. It sounds so hard. Except you can drive a rolling box and open doors with one paw and reach things that are up high and…
Sweetie: I think you need a paw on your shoulder.
Doodlebug: Or two paws.
MoonCat: Yes, that’s it. Many bulldog paws lighten load. Just don’t squash her!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Were You Yelling at Us? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what did you mean yelling out, “It’s right there where you threw it.”? I didn’t throw anything.
Me: I was talking to myself.
Doodlebug: Do you answer yourself?
Me: Yeah, all the time, mainly to yell at myself.
Sweetie: You yell at yourself? Cool!
MoonCat: If you need to yell at someone, you have my permission to yell at me. I’ll just ignore it as I ignore everything the bulldogs yell.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Noses Are for Scenting – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, you have a very limited notion of what bulldogs’ noses are good for.
Me: They’re not good stick holders. I know that.
Sweetie: But they scent a whole bunch more than human noses can. Like ka-billions and ka-billions times more.
Me: I don’t know what a “ka-billion” is, but yes, a whole lot more than humans.
Doodlebug: It was all part of the Great Creator’s plan.
Sweetie: Yes, He wanted us to rule the world with our noses.
Me: No, I’m for sure and certain it wasn’t for that.
MoonCat: In the great list of superpowers, I don’t see bulldog noses even near the top of the list.
©️ 2025.H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Noses Are For Breathing – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, what is sticking out of your nose?
Sweetie: I don’t know. A stick?
Me: Hold still. Yuck. How did that get in there?
Sweetie: I don’t know. Someone put it there.
Me: Yes. Someone named Sweetie. We do not pick up sticks with our noses.
Sweetie: It was just a little one. Now you’re blaming me for having a stick in my own nose. How rude!
Me: Noses are for breathing. Not for jamming things into. Take it easy when you go nasal exploring.
Sweetie: I’ll consider it.
MoonCat: Too little, too late.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Bulldogs Are Round
“Pointed nose. Pointed tail. Pointed nose. Pointed tail.
Naw. I’ll just roll my round self up in a ball. That’s more my style.”
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Problem? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I’m taking this.
Doodlebug: Out of my way. Leave something for me. This! This is perfect.
Sweetie: Leave the small stuff.
Me: Hold on just a minute!
Sweetie: Okay.
Me: How did y’all…who opened the door to the clothes dryer?
Doodlebug: No one will ever know.
Sweetie: Problem?
Me: Yes. Those are my freshly washed clothes. Well, they were. You’ve never done this before. It’s like you’re trying to invent problems.
MoonCat: And succeeding quite well.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Who? Me? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay. Who made this mess?
Doodlebug: Let me see it. Hmmm. Doesn’t look like one of my messes. May I lick it up?
Me: No, sir. Sweetie?
Sweetie: The snail did it.
Me: This is not a snail trail.
Sweetie: Well, of course, it would deny it. Or blame some innocent bulldog.
MoonCat: Innocent bulldog? A mythological creature that never existed.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Bathroom Just for Us – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, Tall Man has brought a monster dirt-sucking machine inside and it sounds horrible.
Me: Yeah, but not for long. He is doing a huge renovation on the main bathroom. That means it will be like new.
Sweetie: A new bathroom just for us! Great!
Doodlebug: I can’t believe it! Our own bathroom!
Me: Well now, it’s not for y’all…
Sweetie: I’ve waited my whole life…
MoonCat: Sharing a bathroom with bulldogs has never been on my list of things to do. It still isn’t.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Keep Your Mess at Home – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, someone has slimed the floor and, for once, it wasn’t me.
Me: That’s from a snail. Look, it’s squeezed back outside.
Doodlebug: Where does it live?
Me: In that big shell on its back.
Sweetie: A house on its back. Well, keep your slime in your own house and stay out of ours!
MoonCat: Snails sliming the place at night? The old “sleep with one eye open” rule still holds true. Don’t get slimed.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Sneaky Human Problem – Part 2 – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The problem with sneaky humans is you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. You know, treats and food and water and a roof and blankets…
Doodlebug: You may even love them. Hey, birdies, what do you do about cold feet in the winter?
Bud and Baby: Eck. Eck. Sit on them. Warm feathers, warm feet.
MoonCat: The most sensible thing I’ve ever heard. What a nice change.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Sneaky Human Problem – Part One – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Aaagghhh! They’re on my feet! I said no shoes! Get them off! Why weren’t y’all watching?
Me: It’s okay! I was just trying them on you to check the fit. Wait. Were you all planning to stop me? Is that why your feet were tucked up tight.
Doodlebug: I guess we were sleeping with both eyes closed.
MoonCat: Not me. I just laid back and watched the whole thing. It was a hoot and a holler, as some humans say.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 