I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Why do humans talk about what time it is? What is time?
Me: If you want the scientific explanation, I’m not really qualified to give it.
Sweetie: If ” scientific” means human, no, thank you. I want the real answer.
MoonCat: The real answer? You can’t handle the real answer.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What is that delicious smell-good that is invading my nose? Ooh, it’s coming from the bag in the kitchen.
Me: No, no, no! That’s trash!
Doodlebug: It doesn’t smell like trash. Well, maybe it does. But that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes.
Me: There are no goodies in there for anybody. You’re probably smelling the greasy food leftovers from last night.
Sweetie: I must have missed that. Give me my greasy leftovers.
Me: Sorry, hon, they would upset your stomach.
Sweetie: Never waste food. A bulldog’s mouth is the perfect trash bag.
MoonCat: An accurate description if I ever heard one.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what are you rummaging for?
Me: Oh, that grocery delivery yesterday was short a few items. They charged for them, but didn’t bring them.
Sweetie: Why?
Me: Somebody just didn’t load them up.
Sweetie: You mean a human made a MISTAKE! Do humans make mistakes?
Me: Where can I even begin?
Doodlebug: At the beginning.
Sweetie: We have all day.
MoonCat: I think this talk may take a lot longer than a day.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Y’all stand back. Grocery delivery is here.
Sweetie: I’ll get it.
Me: No, I’ll get it.
Doodlebug: But it’s our food.
Me: Not this time. This food is for humans.
Doodlebug: Unbelievable!
Sweetie: How selfish!
MoonCat: You wouldn’t happen to be getting any human quality tunafish in those bags, would you? Because if you are…
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, who needs to go potty?
Sweetie: Lady Human! Don’t talk about that! It’s not polite.
Me: A bulldog lecturing me about being polite? It’s a lot less polite if someone has an accident on the floor because they didn’t accept the outdoor invitation.
Doodlebug: I heard the little human say that people were telling too many potty jokes. Humans are so weird. What’s funny about potty time?
Sweetie: Now you’ve got Doodlebug talking about it.
Me: How about this? I open the door and you each decide whether or not to accept the…outdoor opportunity?
Sweetie: To do what?
Me and Doodlebug: POTTY!
MoonCat: I’m so glad I have other arrangements.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, what are you doing? Dancing?
Sweetie: Just got to keep moving, moving moving. Tapping. Jumping. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.
Doodlebug: Do stop! It’s annoying.
Me: I could use some of whatever it is you’re traveling on. I don’t even feel that wound up after I’ve had my coffee.
Sweetie: It’s in the air. Don’t you feel it? Don’t you hear it? Buzz, buzz, buzz. Hum. Hum. Hum.
MoonCat: Whatever it is, don’t share it with me. My unwound world is just fine, thank you.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Back off, Doodle!
Doodlebug: No, you back off!
Me: Both of you back off! Sweetie, go to that corner! Doodlebug, you head over to that corner! If y’all can’t behave, I have to separate you.
Sweetie: I don’t know if I like this corner. There are other corners. What about that one over there?
MoonCat: That corner is mine. ‘Nough said.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: There is this cool table outside, Lady Human!
Me: I know it well.
Sweetie: Have you stood on it?
Me: Not a pastime of mine.
Doodlebug: I don’t stand on things. I’m tall enough as is.
Sweetie: I looked down at the ground so far below me and it was calling me to jump.
Me: No, it wasn’t.
Sweetie: And I started to put my foot right over the edge, just to do it, to dive into the air…
Me: Listen to me! Stay away from the edge! Resist the temptation.
Sweetie: Then why have the temptation?
Me: So you can learn to resist it.
Sweetie: I still think it would be a hoot.
Me: Until you smashed your chins and your shins on the beckoning ground.
MoonCat: I have four paws worth of sharp claw edge-grabber-temptation-resisters. They never fail me.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I heard humans talking about taking a trip to some other place. Let’s do that.
Me: Easier said than done sometimes.
Sweetie: But tromping around on the same ole ground is SO BORING!
Doodlebug: Yeah, but it’s OUR ground and that makes it special.
Sweetie: Maybe if you threw a few more treats around, it would get interesting again.
MoonCat: Bribery makes a lot of things more interesting. It’s a good thing I’m not so easily bought.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Why are you so quiet, Lady Human? Is it human stuff again?
Me: Yeah.
Doodlebug: Why are you looking at the sky? Is there a storm?
Me: With humans, there’s always a storm somewhere. I like looking at the sky. It’s so big. It reminds me of the One Who made it all.
Sweetie: Bigger than the storm?
Me: Oh, yeah. And bigger than the humans.
MoonCat: Well, that’s good news.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Sweetie: If it is me trying to do something, why do you need to be excused?
Me: I mean, what are you trying to get?
Sweetie: Nothing.
Me: You’re reaching for something.
Sweetie: Who? Me?
Me: What are you…
Sweetie: Got it!
MoonCat: Nothing stays for long out of a bulldog’s grasp. I will give them that.
Sweetie: Now what’s the next thing that’s out of reach?
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: I don’t mind y’all sitting by me, but maybe you could sit a little bit straighter.
Sweetie: Why, Lady Human, we’re just giving you our support.
Me: Well, your support weighs about 160 pounds total and that’s a little more than I can manage.
MoonCat: Hmmm. Squashed by leaning bulldogs. I think I’ll move up to my high-rise apartment.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I’m going to snuggle right up here by you, Lady Human, and take my nap.
Doodlebug: Me, too.
Me: Is there enough room?
Sweetie: Sure, I’ll just put my front legs on this big artificial pillow. It looks fake, but…
Me: Ow! That’s not a pillow!
Doodlebug: Sure looks like one.
Me: That’s me! That’s my belly.
MoonCat: I have the right to remain silent. In fact, I will remain silent. Anything I say might be used to incriminate me later on.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. First, a few words about myself. I am the strongest, biggest bulldog ever…
Sweetie: Who gave you bragging rights? A few words about myself. I happen to be the strongest, smartest bulldog ever…
MoonCat: A few words about myself. Me and braggadocious bulldogs: YAWN!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: It’s hot, Lady Human. Make it stop.
Me: Be patient. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by morning.
Sweetie: Oh, alright. No more complaining until morning.
MoonCat: That pleasant surprise would be a pleasant surprise.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I smell a weirdness coming through the kitchen window.
Doodlebug: My nose does, too. It’s a…
Sweetie: It’s not a…
Me: It’s a coyote. It’s climbed the short fence into the side yard.
Sweetie: What’s it after?
Me: The chickens, no doubt, but it can’t reach them.
Doodlebug: No! It can’t have them!
Sweetie: Intruder! Intruder!
Doodlebug: Lady Human, why are you banging on the glass?
Me: Surprise! It thought no one was around. It’s running off now.
Sweetie: Why didn’t you sic us on it? We’re more than a match for…
MoonCat: For a wild dog that has to hunt for its food every day, is spry and underweighs you by half, and has the common sense to leave while it can?
Sweetie: Well, at least we barked.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come birds are so loud, louder than anything else, louder than bulldogs?
Me: You mean because of the cacophony we were just treated to from the chickens and the parakeets?
Doodlebug: It doesn’t seem right.
Sweetie: They squawk and yell and cockadoodle-doo for no reason at all.
Doodlebug: And it doesn’t make sense.
MoonCat: Hmmm. Doesn’t seem right and doesn’t make sense. Sounds like some four-legged critters I know.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Hey, what’s all the foot action?
Sweetie: Can’t bulldogs pretend to be marching without a thousand questions?
Me: You’re marching in place? Cute. I’ll bet you learned that from watching the birds march in step up and down their perches.
Bud and Baby: 1 ack, 2 ack, 3 ack, 4 ack.
Doodlebug: 1 ack, 2 ack, 3, ack, 4…
Sweetie: Cut the birdie talk, Doodle. It’s undignified.
Doodlebug: It helps me keep time.
Sweetie: No fair. They copied us.
MoonCat: Let me try a cadence. Bulldogs, about face! March! 1 and 2 and 3 and 4, down the hall and through the door!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Look, y’all! New crackers! Haven’t had any in a while.
Sweetie: Hold up there, Lady Human. Wrong box. Wrong scent. Those aren’t my brand. Where are the good ones? You know, the cheese ones.
Doodlebug: I don’t care. I’ll take ’em as is. Mmmmm! Crunchy!
Sweetie: Doodle, all your taste is in your mouth. Hold out for the good stuff.
Doodlebug: Of course, all my taste is in my mouth. I can’t taste stuff with my toes.
MoonCat: Good thing, too, with all the stuff your big bulldog feet walk in. Say, Lady Human, how about my brand of snack? Pure tuna, no crackers allowed.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Quick! Put that down in there and kick dirt all over it.
Doodlebug: I’m hurrying.
Sweetie: Uh-oh.
Me: What? Okay, where’d the hole come from?
Doodlebug: It just appeared. Nobody dug it.
Me: Yep, sure. What’s in there?
Sweetie: Treasure.
Me: Your toys are going to get wet and muddy down there. They’re going back inside the house.
Sweetie: Oh, poo! A perfectly good backyard hole. Now what can we use it for?
MoonCat: Holes should be dug for one reason and one reason only and it is not to hide treasure. Cats understand this.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 