Author: H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s wrong with Doodle?

Me:  Oh, he’s been scratching a spot on his neck.

Doodlebug:  Itchy! Itchy! Itchy!

Me:  Hold still while I spray this on it.

Doodlebug:  Itchy! Itchy!

Me:  Help me help you, boy!

Doodlebug:  Oh, all right. Spray your nasty stuff.

Stella:  It will feel better even if it is an awful shade of purple.

Me:  This works fast. Here goes.

Doodlebug:  Eewww! Noooo!

Me:  No. Let it dry for a minute. You are slinging it everywhere!

Stella:   Look at all those ugly purple spots on the floor. Just like rain drops.

Doodlebug:  Uh. That’s better. Nap time.

Me:  Don’t worry. I’ll clean it up.

Stella:  Oh, I’m not worried about that in the least. Go right ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The cat is acting weird.

Me:  Everyone seems to be acting weird. Don’t you think all cats are weird? So is she really acting any weirder than usual?

Stella:  Hmmm. The answer is YES! She has been sitting for hours, staring out that window by the loud sloshy machine thing.

Me:  Well, it had been sealed up for years until Tall Man opened it up last week. Now there is light, and she can see the world outside – without having to deal with you bulldogs. And it is up high. She likes heights. Don’t you, MoonCat?

MoonCat:  Meow.

Stella:  Typical. Well, what does she see that is so fascinating?

MoonCat:  Meow.

Stella:  Lady Human, translation, please.

Me:  It’s different. There is not much to see out that way. Grass. A few plants. A fence. It is a novelty for now and the sunlight does come through, but not enough to get hot.

Stella:  So, when is it my turn?

Me:  Sorry to tell you, girl, but your wide load won’t fit on that narrow space. It was not made for bulldogs.

Stella:  Typical.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles: Whap! Aagghh! Missed another one!

Stella:  Score – Flies 3, Wiggles 0.

Me:  They are thick today, aren’t they?

Wiggles:  Watch me. Wait for it. Wait for it. Snap, snap!

Me:  That was great! You’re fast!

Wiggles:  It’s all in the jaws. I am a natural.

Me:  Stella, I don’t ever see you playing this game.

Stella:  That’s because of my fine, delicate features. I am simply not made for such a violent sport.

Wiggles:  Snap! Snap! Snap! I am. Try it, Lady Human. You’ve got a big mouth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what are you staring at?

Me:  Oh, the sky, the trees, the birds flying over…

Stella:  Keep your mouth shut. It’s safer when the birds are flying overhead.

Me:  Oh, yeah. Good advice.

Stella:  Why are you staring?

Me:  Sometimes you have to look at bigger things, things that don’t change even when they do.

Stella:  Lady Human, I think you have been staring too long. Stare at me.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Isn’t that better?

Me:  Now that you mention it…

Stella: I knew I was better looking than a bird.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Come play, Lady Human!

Me:  Can’t right now, girl.

Stella:  Are you playing with someone else on your typing box?

Me:  Not playing, but doing stuff, yes.

Stella:  Looks boring.

Me:  It is.

Stella:  Is this that tense thing you do when the weather turns warm?

Me:  Taxes? Yeah.

Stella:  If you don’t like doing taxes, as you call them, why do you do them?

Me:  Kind of a requirement. Maybe we’ll get some money back this year and yes! We’re getting something back! Yay!

Stella:  Yay! We’re getting money back! We’re getting money back! I’m excited now! What does money back mean?

Me:  Money means treats. Treats for you all. Maybe even a treat for me.

Stella:  Treats! That is wonderful, Lady Human! You should do taxes more often!

Me:  Mmmm. Nope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill  All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans wear strange things on their heads, but what Lady Human is wearing on her face is disturbing. We cannot see her nose or mouth. The sides of her face are covered.

Wiggles:  Is she smiling or snarling? I can’t tell.

Tiger:  Scary!

Doodlebug:  Lady Human, does that keep you from talking?

Me:  The mask? No, I can talk right through it.

Stella:  Oh, too bad.

Miss Sweetie:  Lady Human, are you ashamed of your face? Because you look really good in that covering.

Me:  I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or not.

Stella:  Not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, there is a serious problem.

Me:  Yeah, Stella, there usually is. What is it this time?

Stella:  There is a weird monster on the patio door. Shhh! Don’t look! He will see you.

Me:  That’s an anole lizard. They’re good to have around.

Stella:  Since when is it good to have a monster standing on your patio door. Or any door. Or any window. No!!! He is walking on the door! ON THE DOOR! Who does that? A monster, that’s who!

Me:  Stella, he is a lizard. And he eats bugs. That’s a great thing! And look! We call them green anoles because whenever they are on or near green stuff, they camouflage themselves to match their backgrounds. But since he is on our gray steel door, he is gray.

Stella:  Oh, I thought he was just old. Still, even an old monster walking on your door is a problem.

Me: He is welcome to stay.

Stella:  Fine! Invite any ole monster to stay.

Me:  If he eats bugs, I will.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bedtime!

Me:  I am looking for something.

Stella:  Lights out!

Me:  This is just a little flashlight. If it bothers you, look away.

Stella:  What is so important that you pierce the darkness with your puny little light?

Me:  Oh, the book of essays by C.S. Lewis that I was reading, Present Concerns.

Stella:  My present concern is that the light is still on. Bedtime!

Me:  Just a minute.

Stella:  At times like these, I am happy that I can’t read. Do you remember when the big storm turned the lights off for days?

Me:  Sure. It was almost a year ago. I read by flashlight then.

Stella:  Bad habits form fast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill  All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Look at you, Lady Human! I’m impressed!

Me:  I am, too! No, Wiggles! You are not going back there! I’m working on a project that does not include a bulldog.

Wiggles:  Out of the way!

Me:  Nope!

Wiggles:  I’m coming through!

Me:  Nope!

Wiggles:  I’ll just make this move.

Me:  Block.

Wiggles:  And now this one.

Me:  Block.

Stella:  Lady Human, you are amazing. You look like one of those humans that catch baby cattle

Me:  Funny fact. That is called ‘bulldogging’.

Stella:  What? How dare they steal our name to use on cattle.

Wiggles: Watch out! Here comes my battering bulldog nose.

Me:  No, Wiggles. Not right now. Stay in here.

Wiggles:  Boring!

Stella:  Second that!

Me:  When I am finished, then you can come back for a visit.

Wiggles:  Too late! I’ve already lost interest.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is saying something that I have never heard her say before.

Me:  Dummkopf. MoonCat, how stupid can you be?

Mooncat:  Meow. I am just being myself.

Me:  When the bulldogs are running in and out, you know how they are. Get in one of your multitude of safe places until they settle down.

Stella:  What does it mean? Dummkopf? It sounds nice.

Me:  Well…no…

Stella:  Lady Human! Did you say a bad word?

Me:  Well…sort of…

Stella:  For shame, Lady Human! A bad word? Cool! What does it mean? What does it mean?

MoonCat:  It means ‘stupid head’.

Me:  Since when do you understand German?

MoonCat:  I don’t know what you are talking about. By your tone, I figured it couldn’t be good.

Me:  Why do you insist on prancing in the middle of the floor when they come roaring in? Do you want them to catch you?

MoonCat:  They have only caught me a few times. And I am still here. I have a secret.

Me:  Pray tell.

MoonCat:  The big, droopy mouth canines and I are friends.

Stella:  Nope. No. No. Not true. Don’t listen to her. She’s wrong. Dummkopf. Remember, Lady Human. Dummkopf.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhh! Nobody say anything. Lady Human has something perched on her head. Maybe it will fly away.

Me:  How do you like my hat?

Stella:  Shhh!

Tiger:  I have an opinion.

Stella:  Okay, I warned you.

Tiger:  Your hat sticks way out over your face. It is weird.

Me:  My hat is weird? Or my face is weird?

Stella:  Danger! Danger! Danger!

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, Lady Human, don’t worry. I love your weird face.

Wiggles:  Yes, and the part of the hat that sticks out so far shadows your face and makes it look not so weird.

Me:  Okay, this is a baseball cap. The long brim shields my eyes from the sun.

Doodlebug:  But I like the sun. It sunbathes me.

Me:  You are not wearing a hat.

Doodlebug:  If you like, I can knock it off your head and chew it up. Then it will not bother you anymore.

Me:  It is not bothering me.

Stella:  Why did you put it on? You don’t always wear a weird thing on your head.

Me:  Truth be told, I didn’t like the way my hair looked today, so I covered it up.

Stella:  Oh, Lady Human, you shouldn’t have worried. Your hair looks bad every day. No hat needed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Sweetie, why is your water bowl all the way over there?

Miss Sweetie:  Uhhbbb. Mmmm.

Stella:  Fess up, Sweetie.

Me:  What’s going on? Oh, Sweetie!

Stella:  You have to admit it. She’s good.

Me:  Why, Sweetie, why?

Miss Sweetie:  My poo-poo had to find a new home.

Me:  You couldn’t wait for me?

Stella:  Do humans wait? No, of course not. You have those fancy hands with long fingers for opening doors to the outside world and stuff.

Miss Sweetie:  My poor stubby toes can’t open doors. But I have perfect aim.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. These are the rules of the house as promulgated by Lady Human. Promulgated means she is ordering us around.

Number 1:  No barking – a ridiculous rule that deprives us of one of our main talents. And yes, I have an opinion about all of this.

Number 2:  Don’t poo or pee in the house. Actually, I agree with that one.

Number 3:  Don’t crowd the door. Simple physics. Yes, bulldogs have a rudimentary understanding of physics. Not everyone can get in and out of a door at once. Though we do try.

Number 4:  No sticking heads in the big ice box. Wiggles!

Number 5:  No making a makeshift bed out of empty trash bags. Wiggles!

That’s enough for now. Now that I see the rules written out, they look even more ridiculous than usual.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Stay right where you are, Lady Human.

Me:  But I need to get up.

Stella:  Nope.

Me:  Yup.

Stella:  Nope.

Me: Yup. You can stay on the bed. I need to get up.

Stella:  But that will mess up everything. My head is comfortable right where it is. On your tummy.

Me:  I need to get up and that means taking my tummy with me.

Stella:  It is my headrest. Taking my headrest away is plain unfair.

Me:  Sorry. That’s the way it works.

Stella:  Not in my heavy headed world. Not everything is a good headrest for a bulldog. I will happily let you know when it is time for you to get up. Until then, relax and rest my head. Some day I will return the favor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Slap!

Me:  Hey!

Stella:  Slap! Slap!

Me:  Hey, Stella! Cut it out!

Stella:  Cut what out? Slap! Slap! Slap!

Me:  That slapping! Oww! What’s the deal?

Stella:  Did I get your attention?

Me:  Yeah!

Stella:  That’s the deal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  What are you doing?

Stella:  Oh, this? This is my new pose. I bend back over your leg like this. Ahhh.

Me:  That looks uncomfortable.

Stella:  You should try it. Very relaxing.

Me:  Are you sure it doesn’t hurt to bend backward like that?

Stella:  It is fun. And it gives me the upside-down perspective on the world.

Me:  Upside-down can be confusing.

Stella:  Nonsense. Upside-down or right side up, it all looks crazy to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. There he goes again!

Me:  Who?

Stella:  Tall Man, of course. In and out. In and out. He’s got the zoomies.

Me:  Not exactly.

Stella:  It sure looks like the zoomies to me.

Me:  Well, this is different than when you all zoom around the yard preparatory to bathroom business.

Stella:  Why else is he doing it?

Me:  He is bringing necessaries into the house before the shelter in place order takes effect. After that, we need to stay here for all but absolute essentials.

Stella:  Shelter…in… place. Isn’t that what we do every day?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H>J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ah-wooo! Ah-woooo!

Me:  Stella! Why are you howling?

Stella:  Because it’s the only thing to do!

Wiggles:  Listen to me! Listen to me!

Me:  Why are you barking?

Wiggles:  I must. Why aren’t you?

Me:  Because you are already doing enough of that for both of us.

Miss Sweetie:  Look!!!

Me:  At what? What now?

Miss Sweetie:  The cat is walking!

Me:  The cat is always walking!

Miss Sweetie:  She is taunting me! I will chase her!

Me:  Please don’t!

Tiger:  Yes, Sweetie! Chase! Chase! Chase!

Me:  Why are you egging her on? You’re not even chasing her yourself.

Tiger:  Why should I tire myself out?

Me:  Doodlebug? I don’t hear you joining in the clatter. Why are just lying there?

Doodlebug:  Hum…hum…mmmm.

Me:  Okay, what have you done? As if I don’t already know.

Doodlebug:  Outside seemed so far away.

Me:  What’s under your blanket? Oh, Doodle! Why didn’t you bark?

Doodlebug:  I would have said something, but everybody else was talking and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

Me:  What is causing all the caterwauling?

Miss Sweetie:  The cat.

Tiger:  The cat.

Wiggles: The cat.

Stella:  Not really, Lady Human. The cat is just an excuse. All our buckets got kicked over because buckets are fun to kick over and we had to kick them over because nobody else would.

Me:  That makes no sense, Stella.

Stella:  Sense? Really, Lady Human. What did you expect? We are bulldogs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, whatcha doin’?

Me:  Oh, filling out the Census. It’s just a form we complete every ten years.

Stella:  I am not ten years old yet.

Me:  Nope.

Tiger:  What is census? Can we eat it?

Me:  No, it is not edible. It is the way the government has of keeping count of everyone.

Miss Sweetie:  Ooooo! Ooooo! Count me! Count me!

Doodlebug:  Me, too! Don’t forget me!

Wiggles:  Was I counted last time?

Me:  No. None of you were here with us back then. In fact, none of you were on the earth ten years ago.

Stella:  We got left off the census. Put me down as an Olde English Bulldogge, beautiful and of royal lineage.

Tiger:  Don’t lie to the government.

Me:  Actually, there is no place on the form for listing or counting pets.

Doodlebug:  What?

Miss Sweetie:  No way!

Wiggles:  Not fair!

Tiger:  Don’t we count? No, I guess not.

Stella:  Typical humans! Thinking only of themselves!

Me:  It’s not a big deal, y’all. It’s not like you get anything from them.

Stella:  What? No treats? No special food? No toys?

Me:  Nope.

Stella:  Never mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have never understood cats. Well, to be precise, I have never understood cat. I have only ever known one cat. Moon Cat or as I like to call her now, Dummkopf.  That is a word from a human language that I don’t know, but I heard Lady Human use it and she says it means “Stupid Head”. That I understand.

Me:  What are you fussing about, Stella?

Stella:  Do you see the cat? Do you see what she is doing?

Me:  Whoa! Hold on there, Hon! That’s not yours.

Stella:  Finally. The human woke up. Why is the cat allowed to open your cabinet?

Me:  She isn’t. I’ve never seen her do that before.

Stella:  Okay, Lady Human, what do you have hidden in there that attracted the Dummkopf?

Me:  If she can open that cabinet, she is not a Dummkopf.

Stella:  Mmmm. Matter of opinion.

Me:  There is nothing in there that would interest cats.

Stella:  No food?

Me:  Never.

Stella:  No stupid feathery toys?

Me:  No.

Stella:  No other cats?

Me:  What? No! Just insurance policies and auto receipts and some old books…

Stella:  Rats?

Me:  What? Eeewww! No! At least, I don’t see any evidence of that. Yuck! Now I’ll be thinking about that all night.

Stella:  A random cabinet. A random cat. A random paw. The answer is plain. Cats are bizarre and live in a bizarre, sneaky world. All you have to figure out, Lady Human, is which cabinet is next?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.