Author: H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Whoa, girl! Stay away from that corner!

Stella:  But I want to smell the funny looking plants. They have spikes all over them.

Me:  Those are cacti. Those spikes are thorns. Cacti are infamous for them.

Stella:  Why would you plant something I cannot sniff?

Me:  That’s kind of a strange story. All you need to know is that cactus does very well around here and they are not to be fooled with. That’s why they are not in y’all’s regular yard.

Stella:  What if I just sniff away from the spikes?

Me:  Nope. Cacti have an almost invisible defense. Tiny, hair-thin stickers, almost invisible, that you can feel but have trouble seeing. Ask me how I know.

Stella:  Lady Human, is that a trick question?

Me:  Yep. If you’ve ever hosted them, you won’t forget. I love you enough to want you to avoid that.

Stella:  Would you pull the stickers out even if you couldn’t see them?

Me:  Yes, until I got every single one. But wouldn’t it be better not to spend our time that way?

Stella:   Now that you have told me to stay away, I want to touch it all the more.

Me:  Temptations are funny that way. Let’s go inside. Then there won’t be a problem.

Stella:  Until the next time. I will discover the mystery of the mean spiky plant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. DID EVERYONE HEAR THAT? EVERYONE?

Me:  Stella, turn down the volume! They heard you three counties over!

Stella:  GOOD!

Me:  Stella! Your voice is so…

Stella:  Beautiful? Lovely? Enchanting?

Me:  No. Try high, squeaky, and grating on my ears.

Stella:  I do my best, Lady Human. I am glad you enjoy my bulldog yelping.

Me:  Is that what you got out of what I said? A little barking, fine. That high pitched yelping, not fine. Why do none of the others sound like that when they get excited?

Stella:  They’re just not gifted that way. Me? I’m a natural born opera…What do the humans call that?

Me:  Soprano.

Stella:  YESSSS…I OWN THE HIGH NOTE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is hot.

Me:  Yes, it is.

Stella:  How long is hot?

Me:  Hot is not a length. It is a range of temperatures. Around here, people start calling it hot when it gets to 98 degrees Fahrenheit and above.

Stella:  More human nonsense words. Does Fahrenheit mean hot?

Me:  It does when the thermometer reads 98 degrees.

Stella:  What is a thermometer?

Me:  It is a special device that reads temperature.

Stella:  Thermometers read?

Me:  Well, it is more accurate to say that humans read thermometers.

Stella:  So how long does the thermometer say it will be hot?

Me:  It doesn’t tell us that.

Stella:  Then what good are they? I don’t need a thermometer to say it is hot. I already know that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am NOT the queen of cats. What is wrong with MoonCat, Lady Human? I have hardly seen her all day.

Me:  All the rearranging and furniture moving has her freaked out. She is reestablishing her hiding places.

MoonCat:  Meow.

Stella:  Speak bulldog!

Me:  Or English. That would help me.

MoonCat:  Meow. Weird. Scared.

Me:  Aw, honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Stella:  See! I told you the room change was a bad idea. Even a cat knows that. And they don’t know anything.

Me:  Your food is in the same place. And your water. And we showed you where your box is. Nice and secluded and blocked from bulldog eyes and everything else bulldoggy.

MoonCat:  Meow. I am not sure…

Me:  Nothing in the kitchen changed. Nothing in the utility room changed. And the bulldogs…

MoonCat:  Nothing of the bulldogs changed.

Me:  True. They still bark. They still run around like crazy.

MoonCat:  Just like home. All right. I feel better now.

Stella:  We must not be doing our job.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. But apparently that does not matter to Lady Human and Tall Man. They just do what they want.

Me:  This will work out better. It is a better layout than we have been using.

Tiger:  Where is my crate? Where is my big comfy towel?

Me:  Right there. You are standing in it.

Tiger:  Oh. Okay. It looks different.

Me:  Yes, we moved it over three whole feet.

Miss Sweetie:  I have four feet. Where is my bed?

Me:  Over here. About four feet from where it was.

Wiggles:  This is awful. Or is it awesome?  I am confused.

Me:  Your bed is between Stella’s and Sweetie’s. And your big box bed is still where it always has been.

Doodlebug:  I AM FREAKED OUT!

Me:  I can tell. It may take a few days to get accustomed to it, but…

Stella:  Days? How about years? This is weird and terrible at the same time.

Me:  It will be easier to clean this way.

Stella:  CLEAN?  NOOOOOO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Hey! Cut if out! We’ve talked about this before.

Stella:  Talked about what? Boom!

Me:  That! Body slamming! Stop it!

Stella:  Not yet. It has not had its effect.

Me:  What effect?  Ticking me off?

Stella:  Nope. I don’t care about that. Your body is the wrong shape.

Me:  What?

Stella:  That part needs to be over there. Boom!  And those parts need to be here. Boom!

There! That’s better. Sweet dreams, Lady Human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Doodlebug has a potty mouth!

Me:  Do bulldogs talk ugly? I didn’t know that about you all.

Stella: Not words. He’s … you know…munching…

Me:  Oh, no! Not again! Doodlebug!

Doodlebug:  Hmmm?

Me:  You had stopped that.  Now you’re picking up that bad habit again. Why?

Doodlebug:  It’s so tempting.

Me:  Nobody else is tempted.

Doodlebug:  I am special.

Me:  I don’t see how doing that is special. I think it is gross. I guess I am going to have to follow you around.

Doodlebug:  That would spoil my fun.

Stella:  Your bad breath spoils everybody else’s breathing fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhh!

Me:  I apologize for the poor manners of some of my fellow humans.

Stella:  So it is your fault after all.

Me:  Well, not mine personally, but human explosions, yes.

Stella:  I can’t always tell the difference between the sky fire booms and the silly human booms.

Me:  The other day were sky fire booms. We call that thunder. Last night and today were silly human booms.

Stella:  You think that they are silly, too?

Me:  I like watching professional shows. This stuff, not so much.

Stella:  Make them stop! They are keeping us awake. And nervous.

Me:  Be grateful that it only happens once in a while.

Stella:  Is this one your weird special days?

Me:  Yes, the Fourth of July.

Stella:  Must you blow up the sky to celebrate?

Me:  Maybe.

Stella:  More importantly, will there be hamburgers? Make the sky stop booming so I won’t have an upset stomach. Shhh!

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  Nobody does straight and tall better than I do.

Stella:  Nobody perks her ears better than I do.

Wiggles:  I am the perfect bulldog.

Stella:  No, I am! See!

Me:  What are you two doing? This is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen you do! Are you dancing? Are you posing?

Stella:  Yes, both.

Me:  So, you get really still and stand at attention and then you do a little hop?

Wiggles:  Yes. My hop is better though.

Stella:  You wish!

Me:  You are so funny looking.

Stella:  Lady Human, how rude!

Me:  I mean funny looking in a good way. You are making me laugh.

Stella:  I’d like to see you pose like a statue.

Me:  Well, I can try…

Stella:  No, don’t! I didn’t mean that. That is not something I would like to see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. That’s all. I’ll just sit here.

Tiger: Hey, MoonCat is sitting the middle of the floor. Somebody needs to chase her.

Wiggles:  Why don’t you do it?

Tiger:  Nope.

Wiggles:  Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie:  Nope.

Wiggles:  But you always…

Miss Sweetie:  Nope. I am settled under the air conditioning unit. I am in my zone.

Wiggles:  Doodlebug?

Doodlebug:  Huh?

Wiggles:  Cat chasing.

Doodlebug:  Not now, thank you. That sounds like hot work. I am already hot enough.

Wiggles:  Stella, you’re the queen. The cat is snooting around.

Stella:  Nope. You do it.

Wiggles:  Nope. Cat chasing. Heat. Bad idea. Those two things do not go together.

Stella:  Royal decree number 1023: No cat chasing in the heat. I determine what cat chasing is and what heat is. The end. And don’t hog the A/C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:  What happened in the patio?

Stella:  Lots of things happen in the patio, Lady Human. Please be more specific.

Me:  Poop is all over the place.

Tiger:  It was raining.

Wiggles:  It was wet.

Doodlebug:  It was muddy.

Miss Sweetie:  It was raining and wet and muddy, all three. The patio was drier and cleaner.

Me:  Not anymore.

Miss Sweetie:  I must protect my tootsies.

Doodlebug:  I don’t look good in mud.

Me:  The patio looks like a battlefield, except that instead of bombs, y’all threw poop.

Stella:  Do humans throw poop?

Me:  Well, no, not usually.

Stella:  Then this is another bulldog first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Where is the cracker?

Stella:  What cracker?

Me:  The one I just handed you.

Stella:  Oh, no! A cracker is missing? NO!

Me:  Where did it go?

Stella:  Oh, never mind. I’ve had enough.

Me:  But I don’t want a cracker in the bed.

Stella:  It will be okay. We’ll find it tomorrow.

Me:  No, we will find it now. Use your nose.

Stella:  My nose is not tuned in to crackers.

Me:  Where could it be?

Stella:  Maybe it is hiding from you so you won’t eat it.

Me:  I’m not going to eat it now.

Stella:  Wait. There it is. I’ll eat it. Good night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Have you noticed it, too?

Tiger:  It’s hard not to.

Wiggles:  Should we say something?

Me:  Why are you all consulting?

Miss Sweetie:  They think you are wearing too many bulldog shirts and stuff.

Me:  What do you think, Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie:  I like them. You can’t be a real bulldog, so you wear bulldog pictures. Next best thing.

Me:  I can’t help it. I am a fan.

Doodlebug:  What’s a fan?

Me:  Uh. Well. That’s short for the word ‘fanatic’.

Stella:  What is a fanatic?

Me:  Someone who shows excessive, single-minded zeal for something.

Stella:  That doesn’t sound good.

Wiggles:  Lady Human, does that mean you are crazy?

Me:  No, just enthusiastic.

Tiger:  Sounds crazy to me.

Me:  Just because I have some bulldog shirts…

Doodlebug:  And that bulldog picture on your little black box.

Miss Sweetie:  And the other bulldog pictures.

Me:  But not on my new baseball cap.

Stella:  That’s because you couldn’t find a hat with a bulldog, so you got one with some other kind of dog. It’s all right, Lady Human. If you are going to be crazy, we are proud that you are crazy for us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Tiger:  Lady Human, it was my birthday a long time ago.

Me:  Well, if you count almost one week as a long time ago…

Tiger:  My birthday song. We didn’t sing my birthday song.

Me:  I remember singing “Happy Birthday”.

Tiger:  The regular song when you wash your hands, yes. I was talking about my special birthday song.

Me:  Oh, that one.

Stella:  Can we sing it now?

Me:  Sure, why not?

Stella: Okay, tell me. Why not?

Me:  No, what I mean is there is no reason not to sing it.

Stella:  How come you didn’t just say so?

Me:  Never mind. Let’s sing it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! WE LIVE IN A ZOO!

    WE ALL SMELL LIKE BULLDOGS AND WE LOOK LIKE THEM, TOO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is snack time, Lady Human.

Me:  Yep, we’ll be starting that in a little bit.

Stella:  And there will be stinky cheese. Hint. Hint.

Me:  I have some cheese.

Stella:  Let me smell your fingers.

Me:  Must you? Can’t you smell my hand from here with your super nose?

Stella:  I can, but they don’t smell like stinky cheese. They smell like plain, unstinky cheese.

Me:  Why does the cheese have to stink? Isn’t the cheesy taste enough?

Stella:  Stink and taste, the best of both cheese worlds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human says that it is Tiger’s birthday, so I guess I have to believe her.

Me:  It is Tiger’s sixth birthday and we are having a little celebration fun.

Tiger:  That was no celebration fun when you kept trying to trim my toenails earlier.

Me:  No, but things like that still go on when you have a birthday, so…

Miss Sweetie:  Cake? Cake! Cake! Cake!

Me:  We’re still not doing cake. Something else that you all will enjoy.

Doodlebug:  I want a birthday.

Me:  You’ll have one in a few months.

Wiggles:  What about me?

Me:  You had one a few months ago. I am breaking out the birthday treats.

Wiggles:  My nose is tingling. Is it true? Eggs?

Me:  True. Everyone gets one hard-boiled egg.

Tiger:  Just one? I should get more. Birthday bulldog.

Me:  No one should get a stomachache for their birthday. One is plenty.

Tiger:  Thank you, Lady Human. I hope you get an egg on your birthday, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Doodlebug! Yay for Doodlebug! Doodlebug’s back!

Doodlebug:  Phew! Yup!

Me:  Yes, time to take his medicine and go to bed.

Stella:  He is walking.

Tiger:  He looks the same.

Wiggles:  Some hair is missing.

Me:  They had to shave the area where the abscess was. The hair will grow back.

Miss Sweetie:  Did they hurt you?

Doodlebug:  No, but I don’t like that place. When the lady who smells like dogs and cats and medicine brought me back into the big smelly room with the humans and other animals, I pulled hard against her, but then I heard Lady Human say “Doodlebug” and I went right to her and she got me out of there and I got right in the rolling box and we rolled away.

Me:  And for the first time in his life, instead of standing and looking out the window the whole way, he fell asleep on the back seat.

Tiger:  So…is he all right now?

Me:  He has to take his medicine.

Stella: Does his medicine taste good? Because I don’t mind helping him take it if it does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, speak in a whisper. I didn’t want to say anything last night or this morning, but Doodlebug is missing. Everybody is whispering and I am worried.

Me:  Don’t be worried. He is at the vet hospital.

Stella:  NOW I’M WORRIED! THAT IS A HORRIBLE PLACE! ASK TIGER!

Me:  He is having minor surgery…

Stella:  There is no such thing for a bulldog…

Me:  He has an abscess and they will take care of it and put him on medicines to fight the infection and the pain. They said to pick him up tomorrow afternoon.

Stella:  What if they don’t feed him? You know how he loves his food. What if he thinks you are not coming back?

Me: They wouldn’t let me stay and they didn’t want him to leave the hospital.

Stella:  Will you ask the Great Creator to help him?

Me:  Of course. He loves His creation.

Stella:  Then Doodlebug is in good hands, isn’t he?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  Yes. Lady Human, do one of those closed eye, tilted head things for him, okay?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, whatcha doin’?

Me:  Staring at a wall.

Stella:  Which wall?

Me:  That one right there.

Stella:  I can do that. Mmmmm…Hmmm…Why are we doing this? The wall just stands there, not doing anything, not going anywhere.

Me:  Do you realize…

Stella:  No…

Me:  This planet is moving around the sun at about 67,000 miles per hour. It is never still. So right now, we are moving at 67,000 miles per hour, and that doesn’t count the earth rotating on its axis or our galaxy of stars moving at 1.3 million miles per hour through the universe.

Stella:  Okay, now I’m dizzy. Lady Human, you need more stuff to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, is everything all right?

Me:  Yes, strangely, I believe it will be.

Stella:  I think things are too quiet. Humans are hardly ever this quiet.

Me:  True. There are loud places. But there are also quiet places.

Stella:  Like when you got quiet this morning and looked at the floor.

Me:  That was head bowing. I wasn’t really studying the floor.

Stella:  I thought not. It is hard to see anything when your eyes are closed. I can’t see anything when my eyes are closed. I figure humans are the same way.

Me:  Yeah, and sometimes we can’t see anything when our eyes are wide open either. But we keep looking.

Stella:  Tell me what we are looking for. I can help. Though my nose is better than my eyes. Maybe you should try opening your nose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.