I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, whatcha doin’?
Me: I am hurriedly wrapping packages at the last minute before…
Stella: The little human comes? Yay! But why are you hurrying? Why is it last minute? Is this one of those things you were supposed to do but didn’t do because you were too busy being lazy?
Me: Well…let’s change the subject.
Stella: Why are you hiding the gifts in paper? Is the little human supposed to chew her way through? Is this a human training exercise so she can learn to hunt for food?
Me: No, it’s just colorful and decorative and makes the gifts more surprising.
Stella: Why not bury them in the ground and let her dig them up? That would be surprising.
Me: Yeah, and a quite a bit dirtier.
Stella: And what do you do with the paper after? Eat it?
Me: What is this with you and paper eating?
Stella: Just trying to put a bulldog twist on your human ways.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human!
Me: I know. I see it. She did it again. And that took some doing.
Miss Sweetie: I saw the whole thing. I want to try that.
Me: No.
Doodlebug: I would have done it by jumping on my back legs. I am talented that way.
Me: Nope.
Wiggles: How come everyone is staring at me?
Me: I wasn’t gone that long. I just did a little last minute grocery shopping before the stores closed. And what do I walk in to find?
Wiggles: What? It sounds exciting.
Me: Wiggles, we had this discussion a few days ago. NO SNACKING OUT OF THE CAT LITTER BOX!
Wiggles: All I did was hop up on the big wooden box that you all rudely put in the way and I balanced on the narrow board on top until I could climb over the cat carrier prison and from there it was a short jump behind the small bench and there I was.
Stella: I hereby award the first ever Bulldog Medal to Wiggles for exceeding tenacity, refusal to give up easily, stubborn pigheadedness, and ingenuity in the face of human obstacles. Congratulations, Wiggles!
Wiggles: Is there a prize? Can it be a trip to the cat box?
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you scheming there, Lady Human?
Me: Scheming? That’s not very nice. What do you take me for?
Stella: A schemer, just like all humans. You are always planning to clip our toenails, get us to take medicine disguised as treats, clean our dirty ears…
Me: Then you do admit that your ears are dirty…
Stella: No, of course not, not dirty at all. What do you have in your hand and don’t you dare put it on me.
Me: It’s that really big sweater I crocheted for you a few years back.
Stella: That’s what I thought. Take it away. I am a bulldog. I don’t wear things like that.
Me: But it’s getting colder and I thought…
Stella: You thought wrongly as usual. I will tuck into my covers for warmth, free and naked. Why are you smiling?
Me: I never think about dogs being naked, but I guess you are.
Stella: How rude!
Me: Hey, you’re the one who brought it up.
Stella: Even so, no excuse for rudeness.
Me: Well, alright. I’ll just add the sweater to your blanket pile on the bed. I did find this other sweater on sale…
Stella: Nope.
Me: It fits closer than the other one…
Stella: Nope.
Me: You might like it…
Stella: Nope.
Me: I just thought…
Stella: What are those big word books you humans use?
Me: Dictionaries?
Stella: Yes. You should get one. You don’t seem to understand what the word ‘nope’ means.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, something is wrong with the world. There is cold white stuff all over the ground. Clean it up.
Me: That’s just frost. Our first frost this season.
Stella: It is cold, and it is making my toesies wet.
Me: It won’t last long. Once the sun hits It and the temperature rises, it will disappear.
Stella: Are you being lazy?
Me: Not this time. It will disappear on its own. I’ll bet you don’t remember, but the day before you came to us, we had a big snowfall, big for us that is. Inches deep and it stayed around for a day. Frost is nothing compared to snow. And that was the last snow we’ve seen since then. Maybe we’ll see some this winter.
Stella: And it covered the ground?
Me: Yup.
Stella: And it was cold and wet?
Me: Yup.
Stella: And it was way deeper?
Me: Yup.
Stella: Nope. You can keep that stuff to yourself.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Where is Wiggles?
Stella: Why do you want to know?
Me: Wiggles! Wiggles! I heard muffled barking when I was unloading groceries. But the barking has stopped. I know we didn’t leave her in the yard. Wiggles!
Miss Sweetie: I am simply sitting and staring.
Doodlebug: Me, too.
Me: Wiggles!
Stella: Tall Man is home. Maybe he can help.
Me: I can’t find Wiggles.
Tall Man: I’ll search outside.
Me: I’ve run all through the house. I’ll get in the car and drive around. How could she have gotten out? If she would just bark again…wait.
Stella: Now you’re thinking.
Me: Can’t possibly be…
Stella: Sure it is.
Me: Wiggles, how did you get back there?
Wiggles: It wasn’t all that hard for someone determined.
Me: I don’t believe it. I put up a wall and all kinds of obstacles to keep you out of the cat box area. How did you…There is that plastic wall, a bookcase, a piano bench. The cat carrier, a stack of cardboard boxes…
Tall Man: She must have moved the plastic wall.
Wiggles: I’m not revealing my secret.
Tall Man: Well, here is another heavy wooden box for a block.
Me: And couldn’t one of you all have given me a hint where she was?
Stella: Are we Wiggles’ keeper?
Wiggles: I barked because I got trapped and because there were no more cat snacks.
Me: Gross! Nasty!
Wiggles: There are wonderful treats the cat hides back there. Why do you all make them so hard to reach?
Me: Because they are not good for you! And I thought you were lost.
Wiggles: I’m sorry, Lady Human. That you were worried about me, not about raiding the cat box treats.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Grum…grum…berrr…grum…grum…grum…
Me: Okay. I hear. What is all this grumbling about?
Stella: What grumbling?
Me: Stella, the sounds emanating from your throat! That grumbling!
Stella: Oh, that? It is merely what you humans prize so much and yet so often deny to bulldogs. Self-expression. It is me being me. Grum…grum…berrr…grum…
Me: Well, it makes me think that you are demanding something, and I don’t know what it is.
Stella: What It is? “What they are” is more like. Get some paper and one of those pointy scratching sticks. It’s time to make a list.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Another rule of the house…
Wiggles: No more rules! No more rules!
Doodlebug: Yeah, we have enough rules already!
Miss Sweetie: Yeah, what they said! Me, too!
Stella: I know why you don’t want to hear this rule, Wiggles! You’re the big offender. NO RAIDING THE CAT LITTER BOX. There! I said it out loud. Nasty, nasty Wiggles.
Wiggles: It’s a bad habit I have just formed. I admit it.
Stella: Well, it’s a habit to break and you’ll have to now anyway. Lady Human has secured it so don’t even think about it.
Wiggles: Awwww.
Stella: I’m glad she did. I have a rule of my own. No more potty mouths.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The air smells wonderful.
Wiggles: The humans are celebrating one of their special days. And that means…
Doodlebug: MEAT!!!
Miss Sweetie: MEAT COOKED OUTSIDE WITH SMOKE AND SPICES!!!
Stella: Lady Human, what meat day is today?
Me: Thanksgiving Day.
Stella: We give thanks to the Great Creator for meat.
Wiggles: And we give thanks for the wonderfully scented air.
Doodlebug: And we give thanks for Tall Man who knows how to cook over fire coals.
Miss Sweetie: And we give thanks for…
Stella: What, Sweetie? What do we give thanks for?
Miss Sweetie: I can’t…There aren’t just a few…I don’t know where… to start…or stop…We give thanks for everything all the time. There. I said it. And I’m not taking it back.
Stella: That’s okay, Sweetie. Let’s keep that right where it is.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What was all that hubbub last night with Squawky the Squawker Chicken squawking and Tall Man stomping around with that light attached to his forehead.
Me: His headlamp.
Stella: I don’t know what it’s called, but it was on his head and it was bright.
Me: He was scooting something out of the henhouse. I’m not sure you want to know any more than that.
Stella: I’m the queen. I should be told.
Me: I didn’t notice any of you bulldogs getting up to check it out.
Stella: We were tired. There was that loud, bang boom storm and how can we sleep through something like that and then Squawky was making her big voice noise and…wait…Squawky never squawks after dark.
Me: That’s right.
Stella: And Tall Man was scooting something out of the henhouse with a bright light stuck to his head.
Me: Yep.
Stella: And that thing was…NOOOOO! A POSSUM!!! NOOOOO! Where is it? Where did it go? Is it in the house?
Me: No.
Stella: How do you know it’s not in here with us? Oh, the horror! The horror!
Me: It’s gone. It is not in the house. And it’s not in the henhouse anymore. And none of the chickens were hurt.
Stella: This cannot go on, Lady Human! You humans must make one of those laws you all are so fond of, this time against possums.
Me: Yeah, well, it usually doesn’t work that way. The storm probably stirred that one up. Or it got scared by a coyote.
Stella: OOOOO! Don’t even get me started on coyotes. They think they’re so smart. What if the possum comes back?
Me: We’ll deal with that if the time comes. Do you want me to wake you next time so you can do the scooting?
Stella: Lady Human! How dare you suggest such a thing? How could I deprive Tall Man of the scooting pleasure?
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This next rule…
Doodlebug: No!
Wiggles: No, no, no!
Miss Sweetie: Go on! Rules are fun. I don’t know what they are, but they make me laugh.
Stella: Don’t stick your head in the big cold box in the kitchen. The humans are sensitive about all the stuff they have in there and they think our noses and drool mess up their food.
Wiggles: This is the most selfish rule yet!
Stella: Is that because your big old face is the one that pushes its way in there most often?
Wiggles: Well, it does smell interesting. And it makes a cool breeze. And they keep treasure in it.
Doodlebug: What treasure?
Wiggles: Eggs. Shhh! Don’t tell them that I know. I don’t want them to take the eggs away. Every once in a long while, an egg will jump out and I can capture it.
Stella: You mean you gobble it up.
Wiggles: Same difference.
Stella: But a rule is a rule.
Wiggles: Awwww.
Stella: Shhhh! Snatch all the stray eggs you can. Just keep your big ole bulldog face out of the ice box.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Come to order!
Wiggles: Never.
Doodlebug: Nope.
Miss Sweetie: Okay, I will have a hamburger. Fries, eggs, pizza, and…
Stella: Not that kind of order, Sweetie. The kind where you sit quietly and listen to me.
Wiggles: Never.
Doodlebug: Nope.
Miss Sweetie: Hmmm, maybe?
Stella: Hey, this rule is a good one. When entering and exiting, don’t crowd the door. Bunching up means nobody can get through. And I should always go first.
Wiggles: Hey, you sneaked that part in. You don’t go first. The first to get there goes first.
Stella: I am the Queen. That makes me first.
Doodlebug: My legs are longer and faster than yours, so guess what? I’m first. See ya!
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am reviewing the house rules with the pack. Some have been ignoring them.
Miss Sweetie: Me? Me? Say it was me!
Stella: Yes, it was you, Sweetie.
Miss Sweetie: Yay me!
Stella: NO GOING POTTY IN THE HOUSE! Did everyone hear that one?
Miss Sweetie: Awwww.
Doodlebug: Awwww. I like to keep my options open.
Wiggles: This rule I actually agree with. Take it outside, y’all.
Stella: I agree with it, too, but it irks me that the humans don’t abide by it. Just one more example of humans treating themselves better than everybody else. They can’t hide from us what they do in those special little rooms with the huge water bowls. No potty in the house indeed!
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am extremely frustrated. Lady Human, turn off the Picture Box. You know I don’t like it. I am tired and ready to go to bed.
Me: You used to like the television a whole lot. You just haven’t liked it since I moved it in here. Come on in! It won’t hurt you.
Stella: I don’t want to see ridiculous humans right in my face.
Me: I’ll be finished in a few minutes. Come on in. It’s fine.
Stella: If I say it is not fine, it is not fine.
Me: Sorry, you were the one who came back here early tonight. I will turn it off in a bit.
Stella: Do you misunderstand my bulldog tone of voice? My grumpy, huffy, puffing voice?
Me: No, I recognize it just fine. I’m just being the human right now.
Stella: Another reason humans should not be in charge of anything.
Bulldoggy 