Author: H.J. Hill

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This meeting is hereby called to order. Lady Human, explain yourself!

Me:  Oh, great! What now?

Stella:  You know good and well what now!

Wiggles:  I will tell her. All that noise last night.

Doodlebug:  Yeah, how is a fella supposed to sleep?

Miss Sweetie: Yeah, somebody was throwing rocks at the door and the windows. Loud, ugly sounds!

Me:  That was a hailstorm. Hail was hitting the house.

Stella:  A likely story. Then where is that so-called hail now, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Me:  Hail is ice and it melted pretty quickly.

Miss Sweetie:  But it was scary! Why did the humans do that?

Me:  Humans did not do that.

Stella:  Another likely story. Humans take credit for everything else, but when ice chunks hit the house, oh, no, you didn’t have anything to do with that. Who is in charge around here?

Me:  Well, certainly not me.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.  

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The young human came in the house. I hear her. Where is she?

Me:  She’s playing in her room.

Stella:  I want to play in her room.

Me:  I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Stella:  She has toys in there, doesn’t she?

Me:  Oh, yeah.

(A distant voice):  YEE-HAH!

Stella:  Oh, there’s that human call! It means she is having a good time!

Me:  Yeah, she started that early.

Stella:  Everyone should have a happy howl. You taught her well, Lady Human.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hop. Hop. Hop. Try to outdo that.

Wiggles:  That’s nothing. Watch this move. Look at my ears. Have you ever seen such perfect form?

• 

Stella:  I saw that on some floppy-eared puppies once.

Wiggles:  How dare you!

Me:  Girls! What’s going on?

Wiggles:  Bulldog business.

Stella:  Nothing that concerns humans.

Me:  I beg to differ. When you two start that posing, I can feel the tension in the air between you. Like two prima donnas vying for position.

Stella:  Prima donnas? What are they? Another variety of bulldog?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And nobody…do you hear that, Lady Human? NOBODY touches the toes!

Me:  I’ve heard that before. I don’t care. Eventually, toenails need to be trimmed. Especially when someone lounges around all day.

Stella:  And who would that be? Hmmm? Lady Human? Lounging around all day?

Me:  Hey, my nails are all trimmed.

Miss Sweetie:  You can trim my nails, ma’am.

• 

Me:  Really?

Miss Sweetie:  Here. Here’s my front right paw.

Me:  Okaaayyy…Is this a trick?

Miss Sweetie:  Nope.

Me:  All right. Hey, that was easy.

Miss Sweetie:  You sound surprised.

Me:  I am. I am waiting for the other shoe…uh, paw to fall.

Miss Sweetie:  Go ahead. Trim the others.

Me:  Very well…Done.

Stella:  Not fair. Sweetie is making me look bad.

Me:  She is just being cooperative.  You could cooperate.

Stella:  That goes against everything I stand for. And as for you, Sweetie, cooperation? Not very bulldoggy!

Miss Sweetie:  It’s not that bad, Aunt Stella.

Stella:  Forget it! Nobody touches the toes!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, there’s a man at the door with food. There is a man with food and he is at the door. Food! Man! Door!

Me:  I know. I know. I am taking care of it.

Doodlebug:  I know how to take care of it.

Miss Sweetie:  Don’t let him escape with the food, Lady Human.

Me:  He is not leaving with the food. He is delivering it. I understand your confusion. We haven’t done this before.

Wiggles:  Food. At the door. Let the food in.

Me:  Hold your horses. These are just regular groceries.

Stella:  Well, why is that? What about us?

Me:  You already have your food.

Stella:  Don’t be selfish, Lady Human. We want your food, too.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Oh, no. Not that time of year again.

Wiggles:  Turn it off! My ears are sensitive!

Me:  Sorry. Has to be.

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, boy! The grass zipper! Can I chase it? Please!!!

Doodlebug:  I can catch it!

Me: Nope! It might pop you in the face. Or legs. Or some other sensitive place. Y’all stay over there. I’ll be finished in a little bit.

Stella:  Good!

Wiggles:  Great!

Miss Sweetie:  Awwww!

Doodlebug:  Lady Human, how come you get all the fun?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Eewww, Sweetie, what are you doing with your tongue?

Miss Sweetie:  Looking. Searching. Finding.

• 

Me:  There’s nothing but dog hair over in that spot.

Miss Sweetie:  Num num num. Crumbs.

Stella:  Yuck.

Me:  You just ate, girl.

Miss Sweetie:  Never let a crumb go to waste.

Me:  You can smell crumbs there? I don’t see anything.

Miss Sweetie:  The nose knows.

Me:  Maybe I should sweep up…

Miss Sweetie:  NO! Besides, the floor’s all clean now. I saved you a chore, Lady Human.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Coming through!

Wiggles:  Hello, Lady Human. Coming through!

Me:  Okay, if y’all can just not brush into my pants…

Miss Sweetie:  But we love you, Lady Human.

Doodlebug:  Let me smell your knees. Interesting. Where have you been?

Me:  No place you would like and if I am smeared with slobber, I’m not likely going anyplace else until I wash these clothes.

Stella:  We just want to be close to you.

Miss Sweetie:  Yeah, we can’t help our giant, juicy mouths. Oh, look. I just made another slobber spot on your leg coverings.

Me:  Thank you all for backing up a little.

Stella:  If we don’t slime you, what will we do with all this drool in our mouths? What a waste!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

 I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am asleep. Leave me alone.

Me:  Wiggles wants to go out.

Stella:  Do that without me then.

Me:  Come on, Wiggles. What seems to be the problem?

• 

Wiggles:  I am all right. I will just sit outside for a while.

Me:  Well, I will sit out here with you. What are you doing?

Wiggles:  Where is it?

Me:  What?

Wiggles:  The shiny night light in the sky.

Me:  The moon? It isn’t up yet. And besides, it’s just a sliver to us this time of month. Is that why you’ve been insisting on coming out here this time of night lately?

Wiggles:  I have to check on it. It has a schedule to keep and I am a guard dog.

Me:  You are that, but the moon keeps  time without us.

Wiggles:  I think it is late. Maybe that snow froze it. Maybe a coyote ate it. Maybe…

Me:  Maybe we should go back inside and get some sleep.

Wiggles:  If you say so. Can we look for it again?

Me:  Yeah. But not tonight.

Wiggles:  Don’t worry. I will wake you up when it’s time.

Me:  I have not doubt.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I know when it is best to stay out of the way and this is it.

Wiggles:  Hey, my head was there.

• 

Miss Sweetie:  Mine, too. That was really funny.

• 

Wiggles:  You can call it funny when you bump into somebody else’s head. I was there first.

Me:  You don’t both have to enter the door at the same time. You can spread out or take turns.

Miss Sweetie:  My big ole head requires more space.

Me:  I am not a physicist, but I believe I am correct when I say that two bulldog heads cannot occupy the same physical space at the same time.

Miss Sweetie:  I say they can.

Me:  Nope. That’s why you two played bumper heads at the door.

Stella:  I’d just let them keep doing that, Lady Human. It might knock some sense into them.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Guess what today is?

Stella:  Not that silly holiday again that has no cake to eat, I hope.

Me:  No. This day celebrates something that happened six years ago.

Stella:  Does it have something to do with me? Because if it doesn’t, I am not interested.

Me:  Yes, it has to do with you. And it has to do with me. Six years ago today, you came to us.

Stella:  Wow! What is a year?

Me:  Hard to describe. Suffice it to say that you were the first bulldog I had ever seen in person. That the first thing you did when you got here was to poop on the floor. That Tall Man had to run out to get your food and a bed for you before the stores closed. That while I cleaned up after you, I said that was the only thing I was ever going to help. And suffice it to say that that was not true.

Stella:  Was I such a surprise?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  I remember the old place only a little. Things changed for me once I got here. At the old place, there were always puppies. And I was very tired. I just realized. I’m not tired anymore.

Me:  All I can tell you is that you have made my heart bigger during these past six years. I needed someone to help me with that. I prayed for a dog I could help. And the LORD chose you.

Stella:  Happy 6 Years, Lady Human! How about six more?

Me:  Sure. At least. Why not?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved. 

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have something to say.

Me:  You always do.

Wiggles: No, me first!

Me:  Not everyone can be first.

Doodlebug:  I can be. I am always first.

Me:  When everyone is barking at the same time, that’s hard to prove.

Miss Sweetie:  Listen to me! I am talking over here!

Stella:  I think Lady Human wants us to talk less right now.

Me:  Only say something if you have something important to say.

Stella:  Barkworthy.

Me:  Yeah, that’s it.

Stella:  Too bad humans haven’t learned that lesson.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The humans are waving flags. That means cake!

Wiggles:  I want to wave a flag! Where is my flag, Lady Human?

Me:  Sorry. No flags for bulldogs. They are too easily eaten.

Doodlebug:  But there is cake, right?

Me:  No. I didn’t get any.

Miss Sweetie:  Why am I deprived of cake? What kind of human holiday would keep cake away from a precious bulldog like me?

Me: Well, to start with, this is Texas Independence Day and cake is not necessarily associated with it. And second, we are not a big cake family.

Miss Sweetie:  That is all right, Lady Human. You can give us a small cake.

Stella:  You mean you can wave flags, but we can’t, and we can’t even eat cake? What kind of a holiday is this?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what is in your hand? Nevermind. Give it to me.

Me:  Well, that’s rude.

Stella:  I am sorry. Give it to me, please.

Me:  I’ll share a piece. You couldn’t handle the whole thing.

Stella:  Mmmmm. Bread. Cheese. Grease.

Me:  Butter, to be precise.

Stella:  Wonderful. A big greasy, cheesy sandwich. May I have another piece?

Me:  How about a pinch?

Stella:  Okay. And now may I have another pinch? And then another bigger pinch?

Me:  You are not going to eat my whole sandwich one pinch at a time.

Stella:  Awww, Lady Human, but one should always have a plan.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why are you being so nice to Wiggles? And why are you singing that funny song? Wait, let me sing, too!

Me:  I am always nice to Wiggles. And I am singing the birthday song for her. Today is her 7^th birthday.

Stella:  Sing for me!

Me:  I will when it is your birthday.

Wiggles:  I have never understood the word ‘birthday’.

• 

Me:  It means the day you were born.

Wiggles: What is ‘born’?

Me:  It means the first day you drew a breath on this earth.

Wiggles:  And that is important?

Me:  It’s a way we have of measuring time and life.

Wiggles:  Is seven years a long time?

Me:  Longer for some than for others. But every day is the same length.

Wiggles:  It depends on what you do with the day.

Me:  Yes. Yes, it does.

Wiggles:  Then I will spend the rest of my special day up on my special table under my special pecan tree and it will not seem long at all.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Look around, Lady Human.

Me: We are normal again. Well, our definition of normal.

Stella:  What is normal? The ground was cushioned by frozen stuff and now it isn’t. But it may be again. Is that what normal looks like.

Me:  I don’t know what normal looks like. Last week was very odd, not what most would call normal. I think of normal the way some people think of vanilla.

Stella:  Vanilla is normal? What is vanilla?

Me:  Vanilla is the flavor of that yogurt I give you when you need a carb boost quick.

Stella:  Ooooh. That is vanilla? And vanilla is normal? I love normal.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Old English Bulldogges. Why are things so strange? Why can’t we count on stuff anymore? Stuff like the ground?

Me:  Why are you all walking so weird?

Wiggles:  You have to be careful, Lady Human. The ground has changed. Watch where you step.

Doodlebug:  Is that spot safe? I will test it. Yes, that spot is okay.

Me:  Is this because the snow melted? When we were covered with inches of snow, you all ran through it like it was nothing. Now you are tiptoeing over every square foot. I am confused.

Stella:  Most humans are, most of the time.

Miss Sweetie:  Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. It’s all right over here. Let’s run!

Wiggles:  No, not yet.

Me:  What do you think is going to happen?

Wiggles:  The ground may disappear. It did the other day.

Me:  Not exactly. Snow fell, covered the ground, then melted, and behold! The ground that has been there the whole time!

Stella:  A likely story, Lady Human. Allow us our doubts. And allow us to conduct our own weird ground experiments.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, make it stop!

Me:  What do I need to stop now? Not saying I can. I just want to know.

Stella:  The drippy dripping. Make it stop.

Me:  Okay, several things are going on at once…

Miss Sweetie:  Lady Human, there is water dripping into a bowl on the kitchen floor. Is that my new water bowl? Because it looks kind of nasty. I want my old bowl back.

Me:  No, there is a broken endcap that froze during the Polar Vortex this week. Tall Man has gone to get the parts to fix it. Meanwhile, we are catching the water in a bowl…bowls…lots of bowls.

Wiggles:  Lady Human! Cold water dripped on my back when I went outside. I didn’t like it. Tell it to stop.

Me:  The sun is out. Snow is melting off the roof. It will stop when there is no more snow to melt off the roof.

Wiggles:  Not good enough!

Doodlebug: Lady Human, last night Tall Man left the sink water thing dripping. It was very annoying and disturbed my sleep. How can I be a wonderdog without my sleep?

Me:  You are a wonderdog?

Doodlebug:  Of course. How could you not know that?

Me:  I guess I haven’t been paying attention. As for the sink, he left the faucet dripping to help keep the pipes from freezing.

Doodlebug:  You are humans. Why didn’t you just tell the pipes not to freeze?

Me:  I think you are still confused about what humans can do.

Stella:  Well, you are obviously not in charge of dripping. If bulldogs were in charge, we would have clamped that endcap shut with our big old bulldog mouths and licked all that snow off the roof by now.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human!

Me:  Yes?

Stella:  I am tired of all that cold stuff on the ground. Please send it back to where it came from.

• 

Me:  The snow?

Stella:  Is the what the evil stuff is called? Where did it come from?

Me:  Well, truly frigid air from the Arctic plunged down from the North Pole and mixed with some moisture and froze the moisture so it fell out of the sky as ice crystals and the ice crystals called ‘snow’ landed on the cold, cold ground and stuck.

Stella:  You made that all up, didn’t you?

Me:  No. I mean there’s a whole lot more to it than that, but…

Stella:  Pack it up and send it back. I am tired of it.

Me:  That’s not something I can do. It will leave. It will melt. The temperature will get above freezing…

Stella:  Is that the trick? When will that be?

Me:  Maybe another day or two or three.

Stella:  Not good enough. Our toes need to be snow-free now.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And I do not want to stay out here too long, Lady Human. Whatever are you doing?

Me:  Thawing out the chickens’ water. As long as this cold spell lasts, I’m going to have to thaw their frozen water several times a day.

Stella:  How come they don’t mind the cold?

Me:  They are covered with down feathers. It’s like wearing a warm blanket all the time. The county agent says that they are good to about 20 degrees below zero, so they ought to have 20 degrees more leeway tonight. It’s only going down to zero.

Stella:  Zero. As in nothing?

Me:  Well, temperature is on a scale, so it’s all relative.

Stella:  If you say so.

Me:  I know you don’t understand.

Stella:  I understand one thing. It’s freaking cold.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.