Author: H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Whirl and twirl! Yee-hah! Go! Go! Go!

Me:  Stella, settle down! Please! It’s settle down time.

Stella: Nope. Bounce! Bounce! Bounce! Ahhh-wooo!

Me:  How is it you have this kind of energy at the end of the day?

Stella:  Bulldoggy. Just plain bulldogginess.

Me:  I sure could use some of that energy myself. If I knew how, I would bottle it and sell it.

Stella:  If you’re going to bottle and sell my jumpy, pumpy bulldog energy, make sure I get my share. I accept bacon, special treats, T-bone steaks, oh well, you know, this list goes on and on and on….

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The world has changed. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Me:  Is this about the dead pecan tree?

Stella:  Yes, and don’t talk about it. It hurts my feelings.

Me: It will if you think only about what was lost. Have you noticed how many birds have come into the yard since the dead tree was cut back the other day? Woodpeckers, mockingbirds, sparrows…

Stella:  But why now? The Bird Tree is gone.

Me:  The big stump is left. And they are finding new places to perch. Not everything has changed. We just make some adjustments.

Stella:  Is it alright if I say something about the old pecan tree?

Me: Sure.

Stella:  Dear Old Pecan Tree, we miss you. We may get used to you being gone, but one thing is for sure. Our bulldog world is a lot weirder now. And the yard is a whole bunch emptier. But at least squirrels won’t be able to throw nuts on our heads from your branches anymore.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Tall Man is doing something strange in the yard. It is noisy and I don’t like it.

Me:  Yes, and you all can’t go in the yard for a while until he finishes.

Stella:  It’s our yard. We just allow humans to use it. Why shouldn’t we go out?

Me:  He is taking down what is left of the old pecan tree, the one that Snow-pocalypse killed last winter. Some of it is already gone, but the rest needs to come down.

Stella:  No more tree? But what…how…what about…awwww!

Me:  Yeah, I know. It was the last big tree in the backyard, but it just didn’t make it past that big freeze. And that on top of the big summer storm with the hurricane force winds that took down our old oak two years ago.

Stella:  But now the yard will be all naked.

Me:  It does take a long time to grow a big tree. There are other plants out there.

Stella:  I can see through the window. The sky looks so empty. How can something be there for so long and then just be gone?

Me: The stump will still be there.

Stella:  Small comfort, but at least Doodlebug will still have something to pee on.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Old English Bulldogges. She’s doing it again, Lady Human! Why, oh why? Make it stop!

Me:  What is going on in here?

MoonCat:  Meow! Hello! Welcome to playtime!

Me:  No, it is not. We are trying to sleep.

Doodlebug:  But that doesn’t work during playtime, does it? MoonCat told me to call you.

MoonCat:  Yes, because my voice is not loud enough.

Me: That’s debatable. You cannot keep waking up the household in the middle of the night.

Doodlebug: I can.

Me:  I mean you shouldn’t. Why are you doing what a cat tells you to do anyway?

Doodlebug:  When you put it like that, I don’t know.

Me:  MoonCat has trained you to call me in the dark of night when neither one of you need anything.

MoonCat:  Meow. Excuse me, but I do need an extra tasty snack and my food bowl is only half full. Sleep can wait.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Hey, Stella, let’s go sit outside.

Stella:  Nope.

Me:  Okay, well, how about a walk?

Stella:  You have got to be kidding.

Me:  Don’t you want to do anything?

Stella:  Nope. I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again, Lady Human. What part of “bulldog” do you not understand?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! A human is cutting down a tree in the living room.

Me: What? No, there are no trees in the house.

Stella:  But it’s that ugly, buzzing noise. Listen! You always say that a human is cutting a tree when we hear that.

Me:  Yeah, usually, but this time it’s the pack sawing logs.

Stella:  No! Never give a chain saw to a bulldog! They won’t know when to stop!

Me:  They do sound like chain saws, I’ll have to admit, but it’s snoring. Humans sometimes call that ‘sawing logs’ when it’s really loud.

Stella:  So, we are safe.

Me:  Sure, and you’ve been known to saw a few logs yourself.

Stella:  Now you’re just making stuff up. If I ever made a noise like that, I would be the first one to tell myself to shut up.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am a stable, settled creature. When it is bedtime, it is bedtime, not meowing time or wandering around the house time.

Doodlebug:  Are you referring to me?

Stella:  Among others. You know who you are. MoonCat.

MoonCat:  Meow. I don’t wander. I meander. There is a huge difference.

Me:  Okay. Explain.

MoonCat:  Wandering around the house is what a human or a dog might do. Meandering is much more elegant. It is the purview of cats. Get it. Purr-view of cats.

Me:  I get it. I just don’t understand why Doodle has started joining in at night. It’s highly disruptive to our sleep patterns.

MoonCat:  Nonsense, Lady Human. I sleep anytime, anywhere. I am completely well-rested. So you have nothing to worry about. Good night for now.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you doing, Lady Human?

Me:  Pulling up stumps from last season’s overgrowth.

Stella:  Oh, that’s different than what I thought ‘cuz to me it looks like you’re wasting time.

Me:  This may look easy but it’s not. These stumps have deep roots, and they don’t give way easily.

Stella:  Put your foot down.

Me:  How will that help?

Stella:  I tell you all the time. Be a bulldog! What happens when one of us won’t go where you want us to go? We put our feet down and then you put your foot down and the biggest foot wins. So put your big ole foot down. Show that little bitty ole stump who’s boss.

Me:  Hey, it moved.

Stella:  Duh. Of course, it did. You have the world’s biggest feet.

Me:  I beg your pardon.

Stella:  Beg all you want to. It won’t change facts.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. So…

Me:  So?

Wiggles:  Uhb…

Me:  Uhb? What’s going on?

Stella:  We are patient.

Wiggles:  To a point.

Me:  So am I…

Stella:  And so?

Me:  Oh, you think it is cracker time.

Stella:  It is.

Wiggles: Past time.

Stella: We always get crackers at this time every day.

Wiggles:  Every day.

Me: Okay. Okay. Here are crackers.

Stella: Late, but better than nothing. If we can’t count on evening crackers, what can anyone count on?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. No! No! NO! Not again! Noises, Lady Human! Stop them!

Me:  What? What’s going on?

Stella: It is the middle of the night. SLEEP TIME!

Me:  Yep. You’re right. But the only noise I hear is your…okay, wait.

Stella:  You hear it? The Queen never lies and is never wrong.

Me:  Well, I wouldn’t go quite that far, but you are right…

Stella:  Of course, I am. There it is again. What is that?

Me:  It’s one of the alarms chirping.

Stella:  Alarms. Should I be alarmed?

Me:  No. Just annoyed.

Stella:  Too late. I’m already annoyed.

Me:  That sound means ‘low battery’ and, naturally, it chose 2 a.m. to let us know. We missed changing the batteries in that one. I bet I know which one. Yep. One of the carbon monoxide alarms.

Stella:  An alarm CHOSE to wake us up for no good reason!

Me:  Figure of speech.

Stella:  If that thing is smart enough to beep when its power is low, how come it’s not smart enough to beep at a decent hour?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. So where is it, Lady Human?

Me:  Where is what?

Stella:  You know what. I heard humans talk about it for days and days on end. Today is Food Day. Food Day means food. So where is ours?

Me:  Today is Thanksgiving Day. It is about more than food.

Stella:  That’s not what I heard. I heard turkey and ham and meat.

Me:  We aren’t having any of that this year. This year is simple. Regular food. Quiet. Lots of thanksgiving.

Stella:  To the Great Creator.

Me:  Yes. That’s what this day is really about.

Stella:  Okay. But it’s also about food.

Me:  That’s one way people celebrate.

Stella:  Good. Because food is how bulldogs celebrate. Glad we’re on the same page. Now where is ours?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And here we go again! Lady Human! It’s dark, like really dark. The sun isn’t even peaking at us.

Me: I know. I’ll take care of him.

Stella:  Can you give him one of those timekeepers humans are always checking?

Me: Doodlebug, it’s too early for breakfast. Again.

Doodlebug: My stomach clock cannot be wrong.

Stella:  Wanna bet?

Doodlebug:  Lady Human, just go ahead with breakfast.

Me:  It has set a bad precedent. First, it was 5 a.m. Then it was 4 a.m. Now it’s 3 a.m.

Doodlebug: Right on time! Go ahead with the food, ma’am. You know that’s how it’s going to end up anyhow.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello. Hello. Lady Human. Hello.

Me:  Stella, do you know what time it is?

Stella:  Do I look like a human who focuses only on a little black box in my paw?

Me:  It’s sleep time.

Stella:  Then how come you’re awake?

Me:  Yes, how come? How about we both go back to sleep?

Stella:  Hey, Lady Human. Hey. Hello. Hello.

Me:  Stella, you are a persistent little cuss.

Stella:  Is that something I get extra treats for?

Me:  No, ma’am.

Stella:  Is that something I get to play with?

Me:  No, ma’am.

Stella:  Then it doesn’t sound like it is worth much of anything to be a persistent little cuss. I will try again in a few minutes……Hmmm, hmm, hmmm hmmm hmmm…Lady Human. Hello. Hello.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Wiggles is sneezing all over the place. She won’t stop it and I told her to.

Me:  Wiggles, what’s that sticking out of your nose?

Wiggles: Nothing. Ahh-CHOO!

Me: Let me see. Ew. Hold on. Be still. I’ll get it out.

Stella:  Why were you hiding a stick in your nose?

Wiggles:  I don’t know where that came from.

Me:  Maybe from you snooting around in the dirt?

Wiggles:  No, I was just minding my own business and it flew into my nose.

Me:  Mmmm, somehow I doubt that.

Wiggles: Lady Human, I know my own nose. Things are always trying to get into it. It’s just that wonderful a place.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! A weird noise is coming from Sweetie. I think she is broken.

Me:  Sweetie? Stop wolfing your food. You sound like…

Miss Sweetie:  Gobble. Gobble. Gobble. Sound like a what? Do I sound like a wolf? ‘Cuz that would be cool.

Me:  No, you sound just like a turkey.

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, no. But don’t humans eat those? OH, NO! What’s going to happen to me?

Me:  Don’t worry. Nobody is going to mistake you for a real turkey. But you sure sounded like one there for a minute. Just eat a little slower.

Miss Sweetie: Should I wear a sign that says, “I am not a turkey.”

Stella:  Believe me, nobody is going to mistake you for a big chicken. Unless you put one of those red floppy hats on your head and let your tongue hang all the way out of your mouth. And keep on making that weird gobbley noise.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is disturbing my peace?

Me:  Give it here, Doodle!

Doodlebug:  No, I found them fair and square.

Me:  Carboard is not a good toy for you.

Doodlebug:  Then why did you leave them for me to find?

Me:  I didn’t leave them for you. They are…or should I say were…part of a project I was working on.

Doodlebug:  Cardboard tastes delicious.

Me:  Well, it all seems to be here so you didn’t swallow any of it.

Doodlebug:  I can go ahead and finish that now.

Me:  Nope. Besides, you just had dinner.

Doodlebug:  A cardboard dessert would be nice.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ah, comfortable at last.

Me:  Maybe you are. Can you move over?

Stella:  Hmmm?

Me:  Stella, I can’t even get into my own bed. There is something wrong with this picture.

Stella:  Not from where I am.

Me:  Okay, you are like a 65-pound boulder in the middle of my narrow bed. I can’t move you. I can’t roll you. Do I need to get a bulldozer?

Stella:  What is a bulldozer?

Me:  It’s a huge piece of equipment that moves large amounts of stuff.

Stella:  It sounds charming. While you’re getting yours, get one for me, too. Then I can move you off my bed.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Dirt, Lady Human! Dirty dirt!

Me:  And what else is new?

Stella: Look at Wiggles!

Me:  Oh, Wiggles. What have you been rubbing your face into?

Wiggles:  Nothing.

Me:  Here. Let me wipe it off.

Wiggles:  No, thank you.

Me:  Let me wipe your nose rope. Oh, look at that. Mud. Were you collecting this stuff for some reason?

Wiggles:  My face just picks stuff up and keeps it.

Stella:  Bulldogs are great savers, Lady Human. You should try it sometime.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, MoonCat is acting like a…cat. It is very disturbing.

Me:  Looks normal to me.

MoonCat: Meow.

Stella:  She’s licking her paws and wiping her face with them.

Me:  I’ve seen you do something similar.

Stella: Never.

Me: She’s just grooming her whiskers.

MoonCat: Messy food.

Stella: Cats are so prissy. Washing their faces. Grooming their whiskers.

Me:  I know. I know. They should be more like bulldogs.

Stella:  They could never hope to aim that high. We are efficient creatures. If we get food on our faces, we just let it stay until later when we need it.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Speed up, Lady Human! MoonCat is out running you…AGAIN!

Me:  Honestly, we are not racing.

Stella:  Don’t ever let a cat know that you can’t run as fast as she can. She will never let you forget it. She will always be running ahead of you and getting to her food bowl first and…well, cats should not be allowed to think they are faster than you are. That’s all.

Me:  Did you lose a race with MoonCat?

Stella:  Lady Human! What a wild idea! Bulldogs never lose anything to cats. If they did, what would the world be coming to?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.