cats – Page 11 – Bulldoggy

Breakfast Call – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on November 27, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s going on?

MoonCat: Meow. Bark. Go on! Bark!

Doodlebug: Oh, all right. If you say so.

Me: What is going on here?

MoonCat: Meow. Time for breakfast. Hurry along.

Me: It’s not even light yet.

MoonCat: Meow. What’s light got to do with anything? This is breakfast call.

Sweetie: What’s all the ruckus?

Me: MoonCat is calling for breakfast.

Sweetie: Number one – she’s not a bulldog, so she doesn’t get to say when breakfast is. Number two – It’s still dark. Number 3 – well, I’ve forgotten Number 3. I’m going back to sleep.

Too Quiet – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on November 26, 2023November 26, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie! What is Lady Human doing?

Sweetie: Shhhh! She is reading. Whatever that is.

Doodlebug: She is being too quiet. That is never a good sign with humans. It usually means that they are up to no good.

Sweetie: I know. She’s been at this reading thing quite awhile now. Very ominous.

Doodlebug: MoonCat! Go walk on her. That should break it up.

MoonCat: Meow. Nonsense. I only walk on humans on my own terms.

Sweetie: She is all bent over. Maybe she is stuck. Let’s start a commotion.

Me: Hey, what’s all the commotion?

Doodlebug: Phew! What a relief! You’re alive. We thought your brain had been eaten by that big stack of paper.

Sweetie: Yeah. It turns out you were only doing what all humans do – wasting time.

Just Back Up – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on November 25, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, we have a problem.

Sweetie: Uh-oh!

Me: I’m hearing that word a little too often.

Sweetie: Tappy the Chicken is stuck between the gate and the door! She walked in, but she can’t turn around.

Doodlebug: Chickens are so stupid.

MoonCat: Meow. Bulldogs should be careful about who they call stupid.

Sweetie: Help, Lady Human! She’s hopelessly trapped!

Me: Not hopelessly. She just needs to back up. Sometimes a few steps back is all it takes. I’ll be there in a second.

Doodlebug: Never mind! She backed out. Dumb chicken.

MoonCat: Meow. One wonders how long it would have taken a bulldog to figure that one out.

Big No-no! – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on November 23, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Uh-oh. Lady Human, I just want to make it clear that I had absolutely nothing to do with the big…puddle on the floor.

Me: Uh, Doodlebug! What happened here?

Doodlebug: Nothing. Well, something, but it’s really nothing.

Me: You peed on the floor.

Doodlebug: It was an accident. I was aiming for that big bag and I missed.

Me: This is not like you. And thankfully, that bag is waterproof because it has your food in it.

Sweetie: Doodle! You tried to pee on our food?

Doodlebug: I was just leaving my royal mark. Hey, the cat gets to pee in the house.

MoonCat: Meow. Pardon me, but I have my own private restroom. I am not a barbarian.

Hand Warming – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on November 17, 2023November 19, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where did your paws go, Lady Human?

Sweetie: Yeah, did you lose them in the backyard? Let’s go look! I can sniff ’em out!

Me: No, it’s all right. I’ve just tucked them under my arms to keep them warm. And we call them “hands”, not paws.

Doodlebug: Same difference.

Me: Not exactly. Hey, MoonCat! You’ve tucked your hands…well, paws, too. That’s so cute.

MoonCat: Meow. If it’s good enough for human paws, it’s good enough for cat paws.

Chicken Barking – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on November 15, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. That noise must stop.

Me: You mean your barking?

Sweetie: No, Lady Human, you know what noise. That awful chicken barking from outside.

MoonCat: Meow. Yes, it must stop. It is worse than bulldog barking if that is even possible…which it is not.

Me: Chickens don’t usually respond to commands.

Doodlebug: So, they do have something in common with bulldogs.

Watched Pots – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on November 11, 2023November 12, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where is Lady Human?

Sweetie: She’s here in the food room, staring at a pot.

Doodlebug: Did the pot ask to be stared at?

Sweetie: Yeah, is it that good-looking, ma’am? Is it better looking than I am? ‘Cuz I don’t think so.

Me: No, I’m just heating some water to make tea.

Doodlebug: Does staring at it help?

Me: No, in fact, there’s an old saying about watched pots never boiling and…

Sweetie: Then stop it right now!

MoonCat: Yes, because I’m staring at my empty food bowl and it’s still not filling up.

Tyranny of the Clock – Part 2 – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on November 9, 2023November 9, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Lady Human, you all have fouled things up again.

Me: Whatever do you mean?

MoonCat: Meow. Dinnertime. Late. Fix it. Now.

Me: Well, I’ve been going by the time change, so, yes, I guess mealtimes seem late the last few days.

Doodlebug: Seem? There’s no seem about it. Where’s the food?

Me: Since it’s been getting a little darker earlier and the time changed, you all have been eating at different times so…

Sweetie: I’m not talking about what WE have been doing. I’m talking about what YOU have been doing. How come meals are late?

MoonCat: Meow. We have been patient.

Sweetie: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You humans have been fooling around with the sun again. Telling us when it will rise and when it will set.

Doodlebug: Yeah, as though you know!

MoonCat: I know this. Hungry. Food. Give it. NOW!

Bed Shuffle – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on October 29, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Uh-oh!

Sweetie: “Uh-oh” is right! This is most distressing! Lady Human! Something unidentified has showed up in our sleep spaces!

Me: Yeah! Great, right?

Doodlebug: That’s not what I would call them.

Sweetie: What do we call them?

MoonCat: I would call them new sleep cushions. Anyone would call them that. Ugh. Dogs are so dumb.

Me: Yeah. For extra padding and insulation now that it’s started to get cooler.

Doodlebug: Doesn’t smell like me.

Me: Well, not yet, but give it 5 seconds.

Sweetie: I’m not sure. I think it makes me itchy.

Me: It’s brand new. Nobody’s ever used them before. Oh, Doodlebug, you aren’t even trying yours.

Doodlebug: I trust the floor. It won’t swallow me up and fly me away while I’m asleep.

Me: The pad won’t either. That could never happen.

Sweetie: Says the human, and we all know how smart they are.

Don’t Harsh My Mellow – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on October 26, 2023October 26, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you up to, Lady Human?

Sweetie: Yes, you look weird. I mean, weirder than usual. What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing. I’m just putting my feet up and covering my eyes with a cool cloth. Mellowing out a little.

MoonCat: Meow. Something at which I am an expert.

Sweetie: Nope. That doesn’t sound good. That mellowing business needs to stop.

Doodlebug: Your mellowing doesn’t look very bulldoggy. I’m not going along with it.

Me: But you two were all stretched out and mellow yourselves a few minutes ago.

Sweetie: Well, that was just an error on your part. We don’t do mellow.

An Ordinary Day – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on October 14, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: BORING!

Me: What if we do something really interesting and exciting?

Sweetie: BORING!

Doodlebug: But a nice try, Lady Human.

MoonCat: Meow. Why are dogs so easily bored? I am never bored.

Sweetie: All you ever do is stretch, eat, and nap.

MoonCat: Precisely. Never a boring moment.

Bulldog Schedule – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on October 10, 2023October 10, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Teatime is late, Lady Human. This is not a complaint, but it really is a complaint.

Me: It’s not nearly time for that yet.

Sweetie: Bulldog schedules are never wrong. Our stomachs are finely tuned instruments, far better than your clocks.

Me: I’ve noticed that y’all have been moving mealtimes around the last few weeks. Is it because the weather is cooling off?

Doodlebug: Bulldogs don’t respond to the weather any more than we respond to your human clocks.

MoonCat: Meow! Time to eat!

Me: Oh, not you, too.

MoonCat: Not me, too! Me first!

Head Pets – Conversation with the Pack

Posted on August 22, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Come over here, Doodle.

Sweetie: I’ll come over.

Me: Okay, but I still want Doodlebug to come.

MoonCat: Are you giving out treats?

Me: Not right now. Just head pets.

Sweetie: I’ll take one.

MonnCat: Me, too. Briefly.

Me: Come on, Doodle Boy. Head pets.

Doodlebug: Is this a trick?

Me: Since when is a head pet a trick?

Doodlebug: How do I know it’s not an attempt to control me?

Me: Don’t you like head pets?

Doodlebug: Yes. More than just about anything. Which makes them just the sort of thing humans would use to get their way.

Me: So…head pet?

Doodlebug: Yes, please. I guess it’s worth the risk.

Doodlebug Dreaming – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on August 12, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hold up there…Stop in the name of the bulldog law…Wub wub wub..wub…

Sweetie: Lady Human! Come quick! Doodlebug has plumb lost his mind and he didn’t have much to spare.

Me: No! He’s just dreaming. See! He’s asleep.

MoonCat: Meow. A bulldog waggling his feet and barking while asleep does not sound sane to me. A cat would never make such an undignified display.

Doodlebug: What? What’s going on? Where am I?

Me: You’re here at home with us. You’re fine. You were just having a dream.

Doodlebug: But what about all that…and all those…and that big….Where did that all go?

Me: Just back into dreamland for now.

Doodlebug: Well, those dream dogs that were trying to eat my dream mountain of dream food better stay in dreamland if they know what’s good for them! I’ll go back for the food later.

Bulldoggese Interpreter Needed – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on August 9, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie, silence please! You are talking up a storm and saying nothing.

Sweetie: Ruff! Ruff! Bark. Eewww! Arghhh!

Me: Does anybody know what she’s saying? It’s all over the place.

MoonCat: Meow. Sounds like bulldog nonsense to me. But then all bulldog speech is nonsense. Nobody can interpret that.

Me: Okay, Sweetie, you just came back in from outside. You just ate a little while ago. Your water bowl is full. You sound like a mixed bag of everything rolled into one.

Sweetie: It is so simple! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME ALL THE TIME! DO WHAT I SAY EVEN IF I DON’T SAY ANYTHING YOU UNDERSTAND! I AM IN CHARGE HERE! WHY DON’T YOU ALL GET THAT?

Doodlebug: Oh, is that all?

MoonCat: Same ole, same ole.

Keep Your Paws Off of Our Stuff – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on August 1, 2023August 1, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Don’t touch what’s not yours. Nothing on the floor is yours.

Sweetie: Then why do you throw food on the floor?

Me: I don’t. That comes from big bulldog mouths knocking food bowls about. I’m talking about keeping your paws and mouths off other people’s stuff.

MoonCat: Leave me out of the discussion. I mind my own things

Doodlebug: But you put your paws on other people’s stuff, Lady Human.

Sweetie: Yeah. You’re all the time touching my stuff. Our stuff. Well, it’s mostly mine.

Doodlebug: My stuff. Chew sticks. Balls. That softy toy.

Sweetie: Beds.

Me: Poop? Is that poop outside yours?

Doodlebug: Nope. It doesn’t have my name on it.

Sweetie: Nope. Anyway you can’t prove it.

Doodlebug: Hey, Lady Human, you can put your paws on all that poop outside. It’s all yours now.

Foot Cleaning Social Hour – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on July 25, 2023July 25, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Mmmm. Do you clean your feet like this?

Me: By licking them? Certainly not!

Sweetie: Lady Human, I was talking to MoonCat. She has way more feet than you. I don’t expect humans to know how to do things the proper way.

MoonCat: Meow. Your feet are bigger than mine, bulldog. I clean mine from the tops and sides first, but never before eating.

Doodlebug: Only after dinner then.

MoonCat: Yes, King Bulldog. Licking my feet before eating would be vulgar.

Me: Yeah, I can see that. All that loose hair and cat litter and stuff.

MoonCat: Clean your human feet as you wish to, ma’am, and we will clean ours in our own way.

Sweetie: Humans don’t understand the pressure of taking care of more than two feet at a time, MoonCat.

MoonCat: It is a lot of work, but it gives us so much more to talk about during social hour.

Foot Bath – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on July 23, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! She’s done it again!

Me: Who’s done what again? Oh, Sweetie! Your water bowl!

Sweetie: What’s wrong?

Me: Your water bowl is muddy and almost empty. Again.

Sweetie: My toesies were hot and my water bowl was just sitting there, doing nothing, so I gave myself a foot bath.

MoonCat: I give myself foot baths all the time, but I’m smart. I use my tongue.

Shake Out the Cobwebs – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on July 19, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Time to stretch our legs.

MoonCat: Meow. My legs are already stretched, thank you. Count me out.

Sweetie: Huh? What?

Me: Wake up, girl. Time to eat and drink and walk around.

Sweetie: Oh. That stuff. Okay. Everybody stand back. SHAKE IT OUT! Woo!

Me: You always do that full body shake every time you wake up. It must feel good.

Sweetie: It shakes out the cobwebs any sneaky spiders might have strung on me while I was sleeping. Everything works better then. You should try it, Lady Human. You might work better then, too.

Too Much Talk – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on July 5, 2023 by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie is giving a speech. Again.

Sweetie: Hear ye! Hear ye!

Doodlebug: What does that mean?

Sweetie: I don’t know. I heard it on the humans’ Picture Box.

MoonCat: It doesn’t matter. I’ve already stopped listening.

Sweetie: I am going to exercise my mouth until it gets tired. And I do not tire easily. I am a bulldog.

Me: So you are just going to keep barking for no reason until you decide to stop. Is that it?

Sweetie: And why not? Humans do it all the time. You all complain about dogs barking, but you never shut your own mouths.

Me: Well, I have something to say about that.

Doodlebug: Of course, you do.

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