Bulldoggy

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Our pack in the perfect example of good order and polite behavior. I am so proud to be…

Me:        Hey! Slow down!

Wiggles:   Sweetie! Shame on you!

Miss Sweetie:    Not shame on me! Shame on you! You butted in line!

Wiggles:   You can’t butt in if you belong here.

Me:        What is the rush? You will all get outside within a few seconds of each other! You act like silly, crazy humans in rush hour traffic!

Tiger:     Humans act like this? That is a high compliment.

Me:   No, it’s not.

Doodlebug:   What if I say, “Excuse me”? Can I cut in line then? Because if I can, EXCUSE ME!

Stella:    All right, here’s the new standing order: I always go first.

Me:        What if you are taking a nap?

Stella:    Then obviously not. Wiggles goes second with Sweetie close behind her.

Tiger:     What about me?

Doodlebug:   What about me?

Stella:   Tiger, you have to wait until Lady Human can go out with you, so you won’t get scared.

Tiger:     I don’t get scared…often…not every day.

Stella:    Doodle, you have to wait for Lady Human, too, so you won’t…you know…so you won’t go snacking.

Doodlebug:   But I LIKE to snack.

Me:   It’s the type of snack you like that’s the problem.

Stella:   Bottom line: NO CUTTING IN LINE or butting in line, whichever you prefer to do.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. You are going to have to tell Sweetie again, Lady Human. Tell her not to try to catch the big bomber beetles.

Me:        The locusts?

Stella:    YES! Silly girl! I don’t see what the attraction is.

Miss Sweetie:    They buzz me when I am trying to enjoy myself outside. Nobody buzzes me!

Me:        If you catch one, you won’t be happy.

Stella:    That’s what I told her.

Miss Sweetie:    Why not? They look delicious. They are round and colorful. Big fat treats in the air.

Me:        And they don’t stop buzzing in your mouth. I know. I’ve been privileged to see a cat catch one.

Stella:    Was it Moon Cat? Tell me it was Moon Cat.

Me:        No, it was a cat many, many years ago. She was hanging around the front porch one evening when a locust landed. She went for it, caught it in her mouth, and then…

Miss Sweetie:    …and then she ate it and lived happily ever after.

Me:        No, she did live happily ever after, but not during the half minute she had that thing trapped in her mouth. She had a tiger by the tail and didn’t know what to do with it.

Stella:    I thought you said she caught a locust in her mouth. Where did the tiger come from? Were tigers wandering around in those days? ‘Cuz if they are still around, I would like to meet one.

Me:        No, you wouldn’t, and no, they didn’t. “Tiger by the tail” is an expression that refers to when someone gets ahold of something they can’t handle.

Stella:    Oh, never mind, Sweetie, it’s just another meaningless bunch of human words.

Miss Sweetie:    I think I’d still like to catch one of those flying bugs.

Stella:    Just let us know if you ever do.

Me:        Oh, she’ll let us know all right. I doubt we’ll miss that. There’ll be jumping and head shaking and big-time drooling.

Stella:    That sounds great! A popcorn event.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        I have an announcement.

Stella:    Oh, no. What now?

Me:        The useless, popup barking at dawn. Way too early to get up. Nothing was going on worth reporting. I am here to tell you that y’all are not roosters so no daybreak barking!

Tiger:     Are you sure we are not roosters? And what are roosters?

Wiggles:   They are boy chickens and they are very loud early in the morning and I am glad that there are not any of them here.

Miss Sweetie:    Can I be a rooster?

Me:        No, ma’am. As y’all are always telling me, you are bulldogs.

Doodlebug:   I am a boy. I am a bulldog. I can be a bulldog rooster.

Me:        No, absolutely not.

Doodlebug:        Where do I apply to be a rooster?

Me:        That’s not the way that works. Born a bulldog. Always a bulldog.

Doodlebug:   Awww.

Me:   Look. I understand that you bark. I just don’t want the barking at dawn.

Stella:    Okay. Everybody, schedule your barkers for midnight.

Me:        No!

Stella:    Why not? Do roosters bark at midnight?

Me:        Roosters crow, but not usually at midnight.

Stella:    Too many rules. Don’t bark at dawn. Don’t bark at midnight. Don’t crow because you’re not a rooster. The humans are confused. Everybody, back to auto-bark.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Miss Sweetie:    They buzzed me! Did you see them? They buzzed me! Like I am a landing spot for big, round bugs! Gross!

Stella:    What buzzed you?

Me:        You know. The locusts. They are swarming. You’ve seen them the past few days.

Stella:    Oh, them. They leave me alone. Probably because they know that I am the queen.

Me:        No doubt.

Tiger:   Lady Human, what is their problem? They’ve been around all during the hot season, but now they are everywhere.

Doodlebug:  And they are singing from the trees so loudly I can’t hear myself bark.

Me:        They are loud, but even that is hard to believe.

Wiggles:   May I eat them when they fly by?

Me:        I wouldn’t recommend it. Though it is really funny to see a cat grab one and it starts buzzing in its mouth and the cat doesn’t know whether to let it go or hold on…

Stella:    Lady Human.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    We are not interested in what cats do. We are bulldogs. Why are these locusts swarming us now?

Me:        It is their last hurrah of the summer. They are hatching out from where they were laid as eggs 14 or even 17 years ago, they are mating, they are laying their eggs, and then they will die.

Stella:    The last hurrah of summer. The last hurrah of the locusts. Okay. I don’t blame them so much then. Is summer almost over?

Me:        We have about another month – technically.

Stella:    Technically? A human word meaning…?

Me:        Officially, one month from today, but summer sometimes has a mind of its own around here.

Stella:    But all the locusts will be gone by then.

Me:        Yes, their season will have passed. Their purpose will have been fulfilled.

Stella:    Well then.

Me:        Yes. Well.

Stella:    Hurrah for them!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Doodlebug:   And I am Doodlebug, Crown Prince of the Olde English Bulldogges and Official Timekeeper.

Stella:    When did that happen?

Doodlebug:   The prince thing? I was born that way.

Stella:    I never heard anything about it.

Doodlebug:   The Time Keeper position happened because I have an alarm clock in my stomach. Lady Human says so and humans know all about stuff like that.

Me:   It’s true. He’s accurate to within 5 minutes most days.

Tiger:   I can set my stomach by him.

Wiggles:   He always lets me know when I should already have my food but don’t.

Miss Sweetie:   What is time?

Me:        A profound question, Sweetie. Let me know when you have it figured out.

Miss Sweetie:   Sure thing, Lady Human.

Stella:    Okay, fine. So, Doodlebug knows when it’s suppertime or breakfast. Great. It’s not as though we couldn’t figure that out on our own. Official Timekeeper I will allow. Crown Prince? I’ll just have to see about that. After all, I am Stella, QUEEN! That has to count for something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, as usual, is acting weird. I will try to find out why.

Me:        No mystery. I am planting my feet firmly on the ground in anticipation of what is about to happen.

Tiger:     Planting your feet? In dirt? Will they turn green like the grass?

Me:        Sorry, Tiger. Let me be clear. I am setting my feet firmly on the ground, ready for what happens when I open this door.

Doodlebug:   What happens when you open that….

Wiggles:   Here I come!

Me:        Whoa!

Miss Sweetie:   Me, too!

Me:        Whoa! It’s all right! It’s all right. I’m still standing. That was close.

Stella:    Why does Wiggles do that?

Me:        Why does Wiggles do that?

Stella:    There is an echo in this room.

Me:        Have you noticed something about how you exit to go outside, Stella?

Stella:    I prance out, head held high, just as a queen should.

Me:        And you bump hard into my left leg, always my left leg, on your forceful way out.

Stella:    Forceful? What can I say? I am a bulldog. I am being me.

Me:        Well, Wiggles and now Sweetie have been forcing their way past me, too. So every time I have to glue my feet to the floor.

Stella:    No! You will get stuck!

Me:        It’s an expression. It means I make sure I’m ready. Wiggles is a switch hitter. Sometimes she hits my left leg; sometimes she hits my right leg. Without the grounding, she could take me off my feet either way.

Stella:    I’m so sorry, Lady Human. What can I say? We are bulldogs. Get out of our way.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. TEA TIME!

Me:        Tea time? No. What?

Stella:    You just called for it. You said, “Tea time!”

Me:        No, I said, “Pee time!” We don’t observe tea time around here. Stop begging for it. You don’t drink tea.

Stella:    I would if you would let me.

Me:        There’s a whole bunch of stuff you’d do if I’d let you, and a bunch of that stuff would be bad for you.

Stella:    So, what does that have to do with tea time?

Me:        Let me ask you this. Which would you rather have – tea time or pee time?

Stella:    Well, tea time sounds like a party and I like parties. But pee time feels really good and then I lie down and take a nap. I guess my answer is let’s have tea time and then have pee time.

Me:        That sound likes a good order of things, but we are not having tea time.

Stella:    Oh, all right. Pee time. We will just settle for less. But why do you get to have tea?

Me:        It’s not harmful to humans. Some of it is quite good. When I find a tea that I am sure is safe for dogs, we can have tea time together. How about that?

Stella:    We still get pee time meanwhile though, right?

Me:        Oh, yeah. Nobody does without that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Cats should not have birthdays, but apparently, they do. At least that’s what Lady Human says. Today is Moon Cat’s 11^th birthday. I have two questions:

• Does that mean that Moon Cat is an old lady?
• Will there be cake?

Tiger:     Happy Birthday, Moon Cat. Thank you for being a buddy.

Moon Cat:   Meow!

Stella:    Typical.

Miss Sweetie:    Happy Birthday, Moon. I hope you don’t mind when I chase you. It’s the only way I can show you my love and still act like a bulldog.

Moon Cat:   Meow!

Stella:   That doesn’t mean anything. She is just asking Lady Human for even more food.

Doodlebug:   Happy Birthday, Moon. I guess.

Moon Cat:   Meow!

Doodlebug:   Translation, please.

Stella:    Blah, blah, blah.

Wiggles:   Happy Birthday, Moon. Are you a bulldog, too?

Moon Cat:   Meow!

Stella:    Wiggles, don’t believe a word she says. Of course, she’s not a bulldog.

Wiggles:   She seems like a member of the pack to me. But she is very small. And very furry. And she doesn’t bark ever. And she talks funny.

Stella:    Wiggles! Hint! Hint! Not a bulldog.

Wiggles:   Yeah, but still a pack member.

Stella:    My questions remain unanswered. Is Moon Cat an old lady now?

Me:        She doesn’t act like an old lady. She jumps higher than any of us, which, in my case, is not hard to do. She runs faster than any of us.

Stella:    She sleeps all day.

Me:        She’s a cat.

Stella:   She’s got gray hair.

Me:        She’s always had gray hair. She’s a gray cat.

Stella:    Likely story.

Me:        It’s true. She’s been with us since she was 4 months old. Gray cat.

Stella:    Second question?

Me:        Cake? Nope. Not a big cake family.

Stella:    Well, at least there is no favoritism shown to cats.

Me:        So, what do you have to say?

Stella:    Oh, all right. Happy Birthday, Moon Cat. And many more to come.

Me:        Happy Birthday, Moon Cat, from all of us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. All is quiet. It has been raining a lot for the past few days. No one wants to sunbathe because…there is no sun. Sunbathing without sun is no fun. Haha! I made a rhyme. Did you hear that, Sweetie? Sweetie? Lady Human, something is wrong with Sweetie!

Me:   No, she’s all right. She’s asleep.

Stella:    Look at her! She’s jerking her feet! She’s making growly noises and puffing her cheeks!

Me:    She’s dreaming.

Stella:    It’s scary! Make her stop! Wake her up!

Me:        I personally think it’s better if the dream finishes and she wakes up on her own. I feel that way about humans, too.

Stella:    Humans do this?

Me:   Sure. We dream. I mean, we may not growl or puff out our cheeks, but the dreams are real enough. I’ve seen you dream, too.

Stella:    No! I don’t do that!

Me:        Sure, you do.

Stella:    No, I don’t! Take it back!

Me:   What’s the problem? I think it’s cool that you all dream.

Stella:    That’s undignified. I am a queen. I don’t jerk and jump and do all that weird stuff while I am asleep.

Me:        No, not every time, but yeah, sometimes.

Stella:    Make it stop. Don’t let me do that.

Me:        Don’t you remember your dreams ever?

Stella:    Well, adventures I wake up with, yes. But all that jumping and fake running? I don’t want anyone watching me while I am asleep. How embarrassing. How dangerous.

Me:        You are safe here. You are among family. No enemy is going to sneak up on you in your sleep.

Stella:    Phew! That’s a relief! Because I would hate to have anyone see me looking as ridiculous as Sweetie looks right now.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen…

Miss Sweetie:    Look at me! Look at me!

Stella:   EXCUSE ME! As I was saying before I was so rudely inter…

Miss Sweetie:    I want to go outside! No, I don’t! I want to stay in here. Is it raining? No, it’s not raining! I’m going to sit down. No, I’m going to stand up.

Me:        Sweetie, what’s wrong?

Stella:    She’s wired. Is that the right human word? Or is it ‘weird’? I get those two words mixed up. Humans are so confusing.

Me:        She’s definitely wired right now, but why? You spent a lot of time outside today, Sweetie, when it wasn’t raining  . The temperature is way down. I don’t recall ever seeing an August day here with highs in the 70’s.

Miss Sweetie:    Boring! No, not boring! No, I don’t want to go outside! What was that noise?

Me:        What noise?

Stella:    There was no noise, Lady Human, not that I expect humans to hear noises. Sweetie’s wired. And weird. It’s probably the weather change.

Miss Sweetie:    What’s that? Where’s Tall Man? Where’s the cat? I want to chase the cat.

Me:        She’s sequestered herself in a safe place until you calm down. I think maybe I should, too.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As queen, I enjoy many special things. One of them is my Special Rain Spot. Okay, I am ready now, Lady Human.

Me:   There you go.

Stella:    No, not that door. The other door.

Me:   No, everybody’s using the big yard.

Stella:    No, it is raining. I do not use the big yard when it is raining. We already had this arranged, remember?

Me:        Well, everybody is using the big yard today. That’s my arrangement.

Stella:    But it is raining out there.

Me:        It is raining everywhere.

Stella:    But it is raining more in the big yard because it is bigger.

Me:        No, it’s pretty much raining the same amount all over the property. In fact, you will run into less rain in the big yard because the big trees are blocking some of it.

Stella:    But my Special Rain Spot is MY SPECIAL RAIN SPOT. The big yard is not the same. ANYBODY can use that on a rainy day. I am not just ANYBODY. I AM THE QUEEN.

Me:   And I am the human and I say that the safest spot today is the big yard.

Stella:   Uggghh! What good is it to be queen if you can be overruled by a mere human!

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Let me be blunt. Lady Human has a problem. She collects things. All kinds of things. Things that bulldogs take no interest in.

Me:        So?

Stella:    If you were collecting stuff like chew toys and treats, I would not even mention it.

Me:        I figured that.

Stella:    But you collect things like…well, the worst thing is paper.

Me:        I don’t collect paper. I use paper. I make notes. I write stuff. I have notebooks.

Stella:    Full of paper. Face it, Lady Human. You are surrounded by paper. You cover your lap with paper. You hold paper in front of your face. I am surprised that you don’t wear paper.

Me:        Actually, that is possible. Some people have made…

Stella:    No, don’t even think about it.

Me:        Why do you care what I collect?

Stella:    The more you collect, the less room there is for us.

Me:        I think we’ve got plenty of room here.

Stella:    Wait. Are you a bulldog collector?

Me:        Well, I have some stuffed toy bulldogs, so you might call that a collection of bulldogs except that they are toys and never were dogs, so…

Stella:    I KNEW IT! You are going to keep filling the house with your collections until there is no room for real bulldogs. Or even humans, not that that is a problem.

Me:        I am not going to fill the house up with collections of anything.

Stella:    How do we know that?

Me:        Because I have learned to exercise self-control.

Stella:    Hmmmpphh! I know nothing about that. Not a bulldog problem!

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something ugly is on the Picture Box. Turn it off, Lady Human, turn it off!

Me:        What is it?

Stella:    What do you mean? It’s ugly! Trust me! Turn it off!

Me:        Oh, that’s a troll.

Stella:    What is a troll and why did you invite one into our house?

Me:        I’m not sure there ever was anything like a troll.

Stella:    Then why is it on the Picture Box? Did humans make up yet another ugly thing and call it a troll this time? Why do you watch things that have ugly trolls in them?

Me:        I wasn’t really watching that. It was more background noise while I did other things.

Stella:    Don’t put trolls on in the background! Put on something with cute puppies or pretty trees or food! NOT TROLLS!

Me:        Oh, okay.

Stella:    And no walking zombies either.

Me:        At least they’re not trolls.

Stella:    Lady Human, do I have to take the tiny little Picture Box box away from you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Doodlebug:   May I say something, please?

Stella:    Since you asked so nicely, maybe.

Doodlebug:   Maybe? Does that mean ‘yes’? Because I think it means I can, so here goes. Why do we have a fence? Why am I not allowed outside the fence by myself?

Stella:    Two questions! You were only allowed one. That is a violation of the rules. I make the rules which makes the rules important.

Me:        I can answer both of those questions.

Stella:    That would be two answers! He was only allowed one question…maybe. As usual, Doodle is taking too much on himself.

Me:        And I think that right there answers his second question. How about if I answer the first question then?

Stella:    Oh, very well.

Me:        The answer to why we have a fence goes a long way back.

Stella:    Oh, no. It’s going to be THAT kind of answer. Long, boring, ancient history.

Me:        Not ancient.

Stella:    Did it happen before I was born?

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    Ancient history, which is always long and boring because it has nothing to do with me.

Me:        Many, many years ago…

Stella:    Here we go.

Me:        …when Tall Man was very young…

Stella:    A puppy.

Me:        No, never a puppy. A young human. Anyway, we built a tall fence to keep Tall Man safe…

Stella:    Did you call him ‘Tall Boy’ in those days?

Me:        No. Anyway, we built a strong, tall fence so he could play outside and not wander off and not have strangers bother him. When you all came along, it served us well to protect you, too.

Doodlebug:   Does Tall Man have to stay inside the fence?

Me:        No, he is a grown man now. He comes and goes as he pleases.

Doodlebug:   Well, I am a grown bulldog now. I should get to come and go as I please.

Me:        Nope.

Doodlebug:   How come?

Stella:    Lady Human, allow me. Because Tall Man knows how to behave in public. We know that he will not pick fights with people or dogs. We are not so sure about you, tough guy. Tall Man does not jump on people or dogs, even in friendship. He does not wander around using the bathroom on the property of other people. He does not accept rides from strangers. He does not chew up things he finds on the ground. He never, and I do mean NEVER, eats dog poop. And when he wants to come home, he knows exactly where home is.

Me:        I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Doodlebug:   Hmmmppphh! I could do… or not do all those things, only I don’t want to.

Stella:    Thank the Great Creator for fences.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am a beautiful, sweet girl.

Me:        Yes, you are.

Stella:    But Lady Human, something that happened at the vet lady’s place last week is still bothering me.

Me:        Oh, that was just a thermometer. That’s how dog doctors take your temperature to make sure you are healthy…

Stella:    No, not THAT! I know all that. Not that it was great, but what is bothering me is how some of the humans looked at me. Like that one lady who stared at me and pulled her dog closer to her.

Me:        I remember.

Stella:    She reminded me of that woman at the feed store that time, the one who wouldn’t come in the door because she said I was ‘so big’. Her dog was way taller than me.

Me:        Yeah, I had to tell her that all you would ever do was roll over on your back and want her to scratch your belly. She seemed to calm down after that.

Stella:    Her dog was embarrassed for her.

Me:        Yeah, her dog seemed friendly. So did the one at the vet’s office.

Stella:    Even the cat people were calm.

Me:        Well, the cats were in closed carriers so…

Stella:    Why are people afraid of me? I am not scary. Not so scary anyway.

Me:        You have to understand something about humans, Stella. Humans can be stupid. And fearful.

Stella:    Oh, I know that humans are stupid.

Me:        No, not all humans.

Stella:    Just a whole bunch of humans that I have met. Don’t misunderstand me, Lady Human. I don’t believe that you and Tall Man are stupid.

Me:        Thank you.

Stella:    Most of the time.

Me:        Okay…

Stella:    But I am not scary. Look at my face! I don’t act scary. I don’t bark or lunge or growl. Why do humans draw back from me?

Me:        Even if a human is not stupid, a human can be ignorant. They see your teeth and…

Stella:    They think I would use my teeth on them?

Me:        Sometimes. I mean, I know you wouldn’t and you know you wouldn’t, but a stranger to your breed may think you are a fighter. People judge all kinds of things by appearances before they know the facts. Remember the vet staff, how they reacted to you?

Stella:    They laughed and smiled.

Me:        They called you ‘pretty girl’. They know bulldogs very well.

Stella:    From now on, I only want to be around smart humans, the ones who call me ‘pretty girl’ and smile. Please instruct all other humans to look away or go home.

Me:        Yeah, I don’t think that is going to go over too well.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Doodlebug:   And I am Doodlebug, the Prince. Woooo rawww. Woooo rawww. Sing. Sing. Sing. It is suppertime. Sing on!

Me:        Just a few minutes. I’ve got to get it ready.

Doodlebug:   Eatin’ time! Eatin’ time! Sing, sing, sing for your supper!

Stella:    Lady Human! Do I have to sing for my supper? How undignified!

Me:        No, I think Doodle just wants to keep me on track. His song sounds kind of plaintive.

Stella:    Plaintive? Does that mean hungry?

Me:        Sometimes. Supper’s on the way, everybody.

Doodlebug:        Woo hoo! Supper can’t be too early, but it can be late! Woo hoot!

Stella:    Stop that singing! It doesn’t even rhyme. And about that Prince thing…I’m the only one around here who gets to say who’s what. So don’t expect any crown anytime soon. I don’t even have one yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        Okay. Go back inside! Go! Go! Go!

Stella:    But I just made my royal announcement and…

Me:        Everybody needs to stay in the house. This won’t take long. I’ve got something to take care of. I’ll be back inside in a few minutes.

Stella:    What is she doing?

Tiger:     She has some of those little bags. Maybe she is picking up poop.

Doodlebug:   She has picked up some sticks. Maybe she is picking up sticks.

Miss Sweetie:    She is bending over, looking at something on the ground. I can’t see anything.

Wiggles:   She is using the sticks to put something in the bags. Maybe it is something for us to eat.

Tiger:   Lady Human never picks up outdoor stuff for us to eat. She says that the stuff outside is nasty.

Wiggles:   There was that time Sweetie and I brought her that dead rat. We didn’t eat it. It was a gift for her and Tall Man. I never saw it again. I guess they ate it.

Me:        Okay. Everything is all right.

Stella:    What’s all right?

Me:        Everything.

Stella:    What are you hiding from me? What was out there?

Me:        Something that you all didn’t need to mess with.

Stella:    Tell me, Lady Human. You know I am just going to nose around out there and figure it out.

Me:        Well, I’m not certain that bulldog noses could detect it now.

Stella:    Whisper it to me. You don’t have to tell the others. It will be our secret.

Me:        There were two newborn baby squirrels on the ground. They were dead. A storm moved through this morning. It wasn’t that fierce, but I guess it was enough to knock them out of their nest.

Stella:    Baby squirrels? Like baby puppies?

Me:        Not exactly. Their eyes were sealed like puppies, but they have no hair at that young age. I am sorry for them and their mother. In all my years, I’ve never seen this happen before.

Stella:    Why are squirrels so stupid? Why do they live up in trees where the winds can shake them loose? Wait. Were those Jerky McSquirrelyFace’s babies?

Me:        I have no idea. I took their little bodies away.

Stella:    Why did we have to stay inside?

Me:        Bulldogs? Do you really need to ask?

Stella:    I guess the storms are a threat to everyone.

Me:        They can be.

Stella:    Will it always be so?

Me:        We believe that the Great Creator one day will calm all storms and all creation will live free from fear.

Stella:    That will be a great day. I hope I don’t miss it.

Me:        You won’t, girl.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        HAPPY 5^TH BIRTHDAY, STELLA!

Wiggles:   HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Does that mean lots of special food for all of us?

Me:        No, just a little extra regular food as a treat. The vet said that both of you have gained weight over the past few years.

Stella:    I know! She called me ‘fat’ the other day! So rude!

Me:        She did not call you ‘fat’. She noticed the gradual weight gain and she doesn’t want it to get out of control.

Stella:    I am a bulldog! I am supposed to be out of control!

Doodlebug:        HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUNT STELLA!

Miss Sweetie:    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUNT STELLA!

Stella:    Thank you! Do you all have any cake?

Me:        No, they don’t. There isn’t going to be any cake. None of us do cake around here, not even me. You know that. I’m not saying never, but it’s not our habit. Like Forrest Gump said, “One less thing”.

Miss Sweetie:    Who is Forrest Gump?

Stella:    He’s the human who took our cake.

Me:        No, that was just a movie reference.

Doodlebug:        What is a movie reference?

Stella:    It’s an excuse for us not to get cake.

Me:        Tiger, aren’t you going to wish Stella a ‘Happy Birthday’?

Tiger:     Hmmmph.

Me:        That doesn’t sound like ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. You had a birthday just a few weeks back.

Stella:    And we didn’t have cake for that one either.

Me:        Oh, come on, Tiger. Just a little birthday wish.

Tiger:     Hmmmph. Happy birthday. Hmmmph.

Stella:    Thank you. I think.

Me:        Fifth birthdays are great, Stella. They are a milestone.

Stella:    I am missing someone, Lady Human.

Me:        Yes, I know. I am, too.

Stella:    This is Snoopey’s birthday, but she is not here to celebrate.

Me:        How about we celebrate her birthday along with yours anyway? I mean, humans still celebrate the birthdays of people who have gone on. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, for instance.

Stella:    Yes! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

Wiggles:   HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

Doodlebug:   HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

Miss Sweetie:   HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

Me:   Tiger?

Tiger:     Hmmmph! Happy Birthday, Snoopey. Hmmmph!

Stella:    They were not friends.

Me:        I know. Still, Tiger, greatly appreciated. And from me, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STELLA! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and I should be treated better!

Me:        Nobody has mistreated you, girl.

Stella:    And don’t call me ‘girl’! I am the Queen and that vet lady today insulted me in addition to poking me with something sharp and sticking a… well, I don’t care to say what else she did.

Me:        Oh, that was a thermometer. She just wanted to make sure that you didn’t have a fever.

Stella:    Then she should have left me alone and stuck the thermometer outside. That’s where the fever is!

Me:        That sharp poking was from a needle that she used to give you your rabies vaccine. It only happens once every three years.

Stella:    Three years must be a very short time because I get poked with a sharp thing every time I go to the vet lady’s place.

Me:        Well, the rabies vaccine is only every three years. Now there are other vaccines…

Stella:    Of course! Always an excuse for a human to stick a poor old bulldog with a sharp thing!

Me:        She said your ears looked really good, especially for a bulldog.

Stella:    My ears are my best features.

Me:        They are cute, but I think she was referring to how healthy they look on the inside.

Stella:    So, she was insulting the health of bulldog ears?

Me:        Bulldog ears are a challenge sometimes.

Stella:    But that’s not the worst thing that the vet lady did. Did you hear? She called me ‘fat’! Me! The leanest, fastest bulldog on Earth!

Me:        Okay, first off, she did not call you ‘fat’. She said that you have gained seven pounds since your last weigh-in a few years ago.

Stella:    Same difference. Fat! How dare she!

Me:        She doesn’t want you to become obese. That could hurt your joints, your heart, your health overall. Humans have to watch out for that as well. Especially as we get older.

Stella:    What? Did she call me ‘old’, too?

Me:        No, but you are going to have a birthday in a few days. Look, she understands that bulldogs can’t get a whole lot of exercise during hot weather.

Stella:    Exercise! Another ugly word! Just as ugly as ‘fat’!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Did you see him, Wiggles? Did you see him?

Wiggles:   I did better than see him. I smelled him. And his big rolling box.

Me:        What’s going on, y’all? What wrong?

Tiger:     That is the question. What is wrong, Lady Human? There is a stranger outside. And now you have put little boxes in front of us and they are blowing air, but you won’t let us chew on them.

Doodlebug:   And the lights are off and the Picture Box and most important of all…

Miss Sweetie:   Me! Me! Me! I get to say it! What was it that I get to say?

Stella:    THE COLD AIR BOX IS NOT WORKING! THE STRANGER OUTSIDE STOLE OUR COLD AIR! CALL THE POLICE!

Me:        Okay. The little fans are stirring the air to cool you all down. And no, you do not get to chew on them. The stranger outside is not a bad guy. He is working on our power line so that it won’t be threatened by the big trees down the way.

Stella:   Someone was threatening our power line? Let us at ‘em! Wait. What’s a power line?

Me:        It’s what feeds electricity into the house. And what are you all going to do to a bunch of trees overhanging our power line?

Wiggles:   I can handle any tree! Where did our cold air go?

Me:        The calmer you stay, the cooler you’ll stay. We are all right. We have ice. We have ice packs. We have battery fans. We have water. And the man outside knows what he is doing and he will have our line moved and reconnected in no time.

Stella:    When is no time? Is that now?

Me:        The power company told me about one hour.

Doodlebug:        Is that now?

Me:        No.

Miss Sweetie:    Is it now?

Me:        You will know when it is when the lights and the air conditioner come back on.

Stella:    What is this power company you talk about? Why can they take away our cold air?

Me:        Look.

Stella:    Where?

Me:        Sorry, that’s a human expression. If we don’t have the power line moved out from under the trees on the neighboring property, a limb could fall on it and disconnect our power. A storm could bring down one of the trees and take out our power. A strong wind. Ice during the winter. So, we asked, and the power company said they would move it so none of that would happen. All we have to do is sit tight for about an hour and the power line will be safe. And we can do that, can’t we?

Tiger:   I guess so.

Doodlebug:   Maybe. Can I have another ice cube in my water bowl?

Miss Sweetie:   I still don’t understand what’s going on. I’m going to take a nap. Maybe when I wake up, I’ll know.

Wiggles:   Can I wait? Yes. No. Maybe.

Stella:    Will you stay with us here until that thing you call ‘power’ comes back on?

Me:        I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here.

Stella:    I guess we’ll be all right then.

Me:        Oh, look at that! The power’s back on. Here comes air conditioning!

Tiger:     And lights.

Doodlebug:   And you can take the little fans away. They are creepy.

Stella:    And here comes the Picture Box.

Wiggles:   And I am not even hot.

Me:        That only took about 30 minutes.

Stella:    Hey, the power humans said it would take an hour. Whatever that is. I think you should complain, Lady Human.

Me:        I think I will be thankful for electricity and air conditioning.

Wiggles:   Will the strange man stay outside?

Me:        No, he has other people to help.

Wiggles:   That’s too bad. I wanted to scare him with my awesome bark.

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.