“Someone left the lights on.”
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Night Lights
Common Courtesy – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, watch out! How are the humans going to know I am the King if you interrupt me.
Sweetie: How indeed? Move aside! Coming through!
Me: Ow, that’s my foot.
Sweetie: Your foot should be more careful where it puts itself.
MoonCat: I’m just going to put myself in a nice out of the way corner until this is over.
Me: We need to start exercising a little common courtesy around here.
Sweetie: Okay. How little?
Doodlebug: And how common?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Persnickety – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Hmmph.
Me: Okay, I know that hmmph. What’s wrong?
Sweetie: My water has a funny smell.
Me: Only if it’s a smell you put in it just now. I washed your bowl and refilled it not half an hour ago.
Sweetie: Smell it.
Me: Sorry, I don’t smell a thing.
Doodlebug: She means use your bulldog nose.
Me: I don’t have a bulldog nose.
Sweetie: Can you order one? From that place that sends all the great cardboard boxes?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Not Again! – Conversations with Doodlebug & Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Okay, not again! LADY HUMAN!
Sweetie: What have you done now, Lady Human?
Me: Not a thing. I’m enjoying the power outages just like the rest of you.
Sweetie: Where is my fan air?
Me: Same place as my lamp light.
Doodlebug: You can use the Great Creator’s Big Light. It’s on. For right now.
Me: And you can breathe and enjoy His fresh air. It’s on, too.
Sweetie: Bulldogs have certain minimum requirements that are not being met.
Me: Why don’t we all just settle down and relax?
Doodlebug: Relax? We are full-blown bulldogs! How little you know us!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Wailing Skies – Conversations with the Pack
May 28, 2024, 6:05 a.m.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The sky is wailing, Lady Human. Please tell it to shut up.
Me: That’s the Tornado Warning.
Sweetie: So this is another human mess.
Me: Well, the siren is human, but no, we did not invent tornadoes.
Doodlebug: Don’t they know some of us are trying to sleep?
MoonCat: They don’t care about such things. Interruptions are their forte.
Me: Nobody is supposed to sleep just now. That siren says they have detected a hook cloud in the county. That means nearby.
Sweetie: Does this mean an early breakfast?
Me: It can. Is that why you came to get me?
Sweetie: No, I came to get you because I love you. And I wanted to visit with you. And to see if I could get an early breakfast.
BOOM!
Sweetie: Oh, Lady Humaaannn. The patio door’s open.
Me: Oh, great! The wind blew it open! The latch can’t hold it. I’ll have to.
Doodlebug: If the door’s open, we can all go outside to pee.
Me: Nobody is going outside to do anything. We are hunkering down. Except for me. I’m holding the door closed. Yay.
MoonCat: Consider me hunkered down. Y’all sleep tight.
Doodlebug: How long will this go on?
Me: Until the storm passes.
Sweetie: Who turned off the lights? How am I supposed to see my breakfast…when it eventually gets here?
Me: Power’s off. And now we’ve lost the phone and the internet, too.
Doodlebug: Point me in the right direction. I’ll go sniff ’em out.
Me: Sorry, Doodle. It don’t work that way.
Sweetie: The door is pushing you, Lady Human! Bulldog it! You’re plenty big enough!
Me: At least the steel gate is holding. That’s working.
Sweetie: Nothing else around here seems to be. Okay, time for early breakfast!
Me: Sorry, girl. You’ll have to wait until I can let go of the door.
Sweetie: See, Doodle! Keeping the wind and rain out of the house is more important to humans than breakfast. They have their priorities all wrong.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Change the Sheets – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Service, please!
Me: Already?
Doodlebug: Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. My bed blankets need changing.
Me: I just gave you clean blankets last night.
Doodlebug: Yes, but these smell yucky now.
Sweetie: Yeah, they smell like him.
MoonCat: Need I say more?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Litter Box Privileges – Conversations with MoonCat
Me: MoonCat? What are you doing all the way back here?
MoonCat: Exploring the wonderful bulldog-free mysteries of this palace.
Me: Well, It’s not exactly a palace…
MoonCat: It has rooms, floors, halls, doors, and this lovely litter box cubicle. Of course, it’s a palace. And no bulldogs.
Me: Well, every once in a while they wander in here.
MoonCat: Don’t spoil it for me, Lady Human.
Me: And this is my bathroom, not a litter box cubicle.
MoonCat: You could have fooled me.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Goofy Hats – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you laughing at, Lady Human? And Sweetie, how come you’re laughing, too? I’m serious. I’m not funny.
Me: Your head. A flower drifted down from a tree and it’s sitting on your head like a tiny hat.
Sweetie: You look goofy.
Doodlebug: Get it off! I can’t look goofy! I’m the king!
Me: It’s just a flower.
Doodlebug: No one will take me seriously.
Sweetie: Too late. No one ever has.
Me: It’s alright. It just blew away.
Doodlebug: Good. No tree should put a hat on me anyway. Now I’m normal.
Sweetie: I wouldn’t say that.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
To Improve Promptness – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Service! Service here now!
Me: Hold your horses!
Doodlebug: We have no horses to hold.
Sweetie: But if we did, you’d better believe we could hold them.
Me: I’m mean, what’s the hurry?
Doodlebug: Me. I’m the hurry.
Me: It’s not like you’re going to give me a tip.
Sweetie: Tip?
Me: Yeah, a reward “to improve promptness”.
Doodlebug: Here’s a tip. Promptly let me outside or you will promptly be cleaning up the floor.
Me: Fair enough.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Be Reasonable – Conversations with Sweetie
Me: Sweetie, stop!
Sweetie: Stop what?
Me: Think for a second. What are you doing right now?
Sweetie: Talking to you.
Me: Before that.
Sweetie: Minding my own business.
Me: You were chewing on the corner of the plastic box.
Sweetie: Oh, that. That’s just a hobby of mine.
Me: Stop it. Why would you even do that?
Sweetie: Because…fun.
Me: It’s not food. It can’t taste very good. And it could harm you if you swallow any of it. Be reasonable.
Sweetie: Oh, you mean like humans?
Me: We don’t chew on plastic.
Sweetie: No, you just chew on everything else.
Copyright 2024 H. J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Buckets and Mops and Brooms! Oh, My! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: We are under attack! Man your stations! I mean, Dog your stations!
Me: I have never understood this. This is a bucket. This is a mop. This is a broom. What is the problem?
Doodlebug: We are outnumbered!
Sweetie: Yeah, we can’t count on the cat.
MoonCat: Why should I interfere when those things clean up bulldog dirt?
Doodlebug: And I’m not sure which side Lady Human is on.
Sweetie: Look out! That broom thing has swept up some spilled food! Don’t worry! I’ll save you!
Me: Save food by eating it? Okay, I guess.
Sweetie: Y’all can keep that other crumbly stuff.
Doodlebug: Yeah, we’ll arrange to track more in later.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Stand Your Ground
“Don’t try to out bully a bully.”
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Grumble Faces – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What’s with all the grumble faces?
Sweetie: Are you calling us ugly?
Me: By no means, but you do look a little serious.
Sweetie: Doodlebug! Maybe now is the time to present her with all our complaints…uh… requests.
MoonCat: Grumble faces? That must be a human and dog problem. I always wear the same face. That way no one can tell what I’m thinking. Keep ’em guessing.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Cardboard Box Domination – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why is Sweetie so loud, Lady Human?
Me: She is wrestling the big cardboard box into submission.
Sweetie: Grrrrr! Arrgghh! You’re not the boss of me! Grrrrrrrr!
MoonCat: I’ve never seen such a fuss over a cardboard box.
Me: I’ve seen you love lots of boxes in your time.
MoonCat: Yes, but gently, like old friends. Places where I could retreat to solitude and be hidden away from loud, obnoxious bulldogs.
Sweetie: No box gets by with locking me out! Grrrr! Down with those cardboard walls! Arrgghh!
Doodlebug: Well, not a box anymore.
MoonCat: Nope. Just a flat cardboard mess.
Sweetie: All right, Lady Human. When does the next cardboard box delivery get here? I’m ready.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Human Blunders – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Fess up, Lady Human! What did you do today?
Me: Do? I made some macaroni salad and washed your bedding and…
Sweetie: She’s pretending she doesn’t know. What did you do…TO THE SUN?
Me: Oh, that! I didn’t have anything to do with that. That was a total eclipse. Completely out of my control.
Doodlebug: I suppose you’re going to say that the Great Creator took the sun away and made the sky go dark.
Sweetie: When it wasn’t supposed to! Right when I had scheduled my sunbath!
Me: Well, as a matter of fact…
Doodlebug: I’ve heard enough! Humans! Always blaming someone else for the problems they cause.
MoonCat: I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. Your silly sun is back. Besides, darkness is a much more enjoyable time of day. So many places to sneak around and hide in.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bribery, Trickery, and Deceit – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Okay, what are you up to, Lady Human?
Me: Up to? Whatever do you mean?
Sweetie: I saw you fooling around with our softie food. You hid something in it, didn’t you?
Me: Would I do that?
Doodlebug: Absolutely!
Sweetie: Yes, without question!
MoonCat: Do I even need to answer that?
Me: Don’t you want this wonderful smelling treat? Mmmm! It’s so good. It’s your favorite!
Sweetie: It does smell good.
Doodlebug: It does look good.
MoonCat: Ask the question, bulldogs. What’s the catch?
Sweetie: Is this a bribe?
Doodlebug: Yeah, you want us to do something we wouldn’t do otherwise.
Sweetie: But it does look good.
Doodlebug: And it does smell good. Oh, all right. Give it here.
Sweetie: Mmmm. Is there any more?
Me: Not right now.
MoonCat: You all sold out cheap.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Tight Spaces – Conversations with Sweetie
Me: Sweetie, what do you think you’re doing?
Sweetie: Just trying new things. Look how well I fit in here.
Me: No, you don’t. We’ve talked about this before. There isn’t enough room for you to squeeze your head between that heavy chair and that table. There just isn’t.
Sweetie: Are you calling me fat?
Me: No, I’m calling you what you are. A big-boned bulldog of the English variety, and you can’t fit in any ole tight space you choose.
Sweetie: Watch me! Mmmm…hmmph!
Me: See what I mean?
Sweetie: But if I try hard enough, I should be able to fit anywhere!
Me: Not if it’s physically impossible. And why would you even want to?
Sweetie: It’s a bulldog thing. I’ll just keep trying.
Me: That’s what I was afraid of.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
It’s in the Can – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What’s on the menu?
Me: Pretty much the same as always.
Doodlebug: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. Little crunchy brown balls and your attempt at cooking.
Sweetie: Where’s the good stuff?
Me: What good stuff?
Sweetie: You know. The delicious softie food that comes off the round metal thing that digs it out of the other round metal thing.
Me: You mean the big spoon with the canned food?
Doodlebug: Everything’s better if it comes from a can.
MoonCat: Cat wisdom from down through the years. I’m glad the bulldogs have caught up.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Dissatisfied Customers – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is the meaning of this? I have never been treated so shabbily in my life!
Me: What’s the problem now?
Doodlebug: There is some kind of muck in my food bowl.
Sweetie: Back to a one star review.
Me: We’ve been over this. This is not a hotel or a restaurant.
Sweetie: Good thing. You wouldn’t be in business by sundown.
Me: The “muck” in your bowl is fresh homemade food, made just for y’all.
Doodlebug: I beg your pardon. Our standards are higher than this.
Me: Higher standards? Like when I caught you trying to eat your own…
Sweetie: Don’t bring that up, Lady Human. That’s a painful memory. And a foul smell.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Sink or Swim?
“I’ve come too far to quit now. Swim!”
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 