I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: It’s hot, Lady Human. Make it stop.
Me: Be patient. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by morning.
Sweetie: Oh, alright. No more complaining until morning.
MoonCat: That pleasant surprise would be a pleasant surprise.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I smell a weirdness coming through the kitchen window.
Doodlebug: My nose does, too. It’s a…
Sweetie: It’s not a…
Me: It’s a coyote. It’s climbed the short fence into the side yard.
Sweetie: What’s it after?
Me: The chickens, no doubt, but it can’t reach them.
Doodlebug: No! It can’t have them!
Sweetie: Intruder! Intruder!
Doodlebug: Lady Human, why are you banging on the glass?
Me: Surprise! It thought no one was around. It’s running off now.
Sweetie: Why didn’t you sic us on it? We’re more than a match for…
MoonCat: For a wild dog that has to hunt for its food every day, is spry and underweighs you by half, and has the common sense to leave while it can?
Sweetie: Well, at least we barked.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come birds are so loud, louder than anything else, louder than bulldogs?
Me: You mean because of the cacophony we were just treated to from the chickens and the parakeets?
Doodlebug: It doesn’t seem right.
Sweetie: They squawk and yell and cockadoodle-doo for no reason at all.
Doodlebug: And it doesn’t make sense.
MoonCat: Hmmm. Doesn’t seem right and doesn’t make sense. Sounds like some four-legged critters I know.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Hey, what’s all the foot action?
Sweetie: Can’t bulldogs pretend to be marching without a thousand questions?
Me: You’re marching in place? Cute. I’ll bet you learned that from watching the birds march in step up and down their perches.
Bud and Baby: 1 ack, 2 ack, 3 ack, 4 ack.
Doodlebug: 1 ack, 2 ack, 3, ack, 4…
Sweetie: Cut the birdie talk, Doodle. It’s undignified.
Doodlebug: It helps me keep time.
Sweetie: No fair. They copied us.
MoonCat: Let me try a cadence. Bulldogs, about face! March! 1 and 2 and 3 and 4, down the hall and through the door!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Look, y’all! New crackers! Haven’t had any in a while.
Sweetie: Hold up there, Lady Human. Wrong box. Wrong scent. Those aren’t my brand. Where are the good ones? You know, the cheese ones.
Doodlebug: I don’t care. I’ll take ’em as is. Mmmmm! Crunchy!
Sweetie: Doodle, all your taste is in your mouth. Hold out for the good stuff.
Doodlebug: Of course, all my taste is in my mouth. I can’t taste stuff with my toes.
MoonCat: Good thing, too, with all the stuff your big bulldog feet walk in. Say, Lady Human, how about my brand of snack? Pure tuna, no crackers allowed.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Quick! Put that down in there and kick dirt all over it.
Doodlebug: I’m hurrying.
Sweetie: Uh-oh.
Me: What? Okay, where’d the hole come from?
Doodlebug: It just appeared. Nobody dug it.
Me: Yep, sure. What’s in there?
Sweetie: Treasure.
Me: Your toys are going to get wet and muddy down there. They’re going back inside the house.
Sweetie: Oh, poo! A perfectly good backyard hole. Now what can we use it for?
MoonCat: Holes should be dug for one reason and one reason only and it is not to hide treasure. Cats understand this.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, there are two big bags of stuff in my favorite napping spot. And they don’t even smell interesting.
Me: Oh, I’ll move them. Those are just some old supplies I gathered that I’ve never used. I had notions about crafting decorations and stuffed animals and crocheting some more sweaters, but I never…
Sweetie: NO! NO! NO MORE SWEATERS! EVER!
MoonCat: Lady Human, kindly drive any notion of putting a sweater on me right out of your head and into the nearest refuse pile. For once, Sweetie and I stand united.
©️ 2025.H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, howcome uou’re all slumped over?
Me: Just human stuff.
Doodlebug: I’m so sorry you are a human. It sounds so hard. Except you can drive a rolling box and open doors with one paw and reach things that are up high and…
Sweetie: I think you need a paw on your shoulder.
Doodlebug: Or two paws.
MoonCat: Yes, that’s it. Many bulldog paws lighten load. Just don’t squash her!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what did you mean yelling out, “It’s right there where you threw it.”? I didn’t throw anything.
Me: I was talking to myself.
Doodlebug: Do you answer yourself?
Me: Yeah, all the time, mainly to yell at myself.
Sweetie: You yell at yourself? Cool!
MoonCat: If you need to yell at someone, you have my permission to yell at me. I’ll just ignore it as I ignore everything the bulldogs yell.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, you have a very limited notion of what bulldogs’ noses are good for.
Me: They’re not good stick holders. I know that.
Sweetie: But they scent a whole bunch more than human noses can. Like ka-billions and ka-billions times more.
Me: I don’t know what a “ka-billion” is, but yes, a whole lot more than humans.
Doodlebug: It was all part of the Great Creator’s plan.
Sweetie: Yes, He wanted us to rule the world with our noses.
Me: No, I’m for sure and certain it wasn’t for that.
MoonCat: In the great list of superpowers, I don’t see bulldog noses even near the top of the list.
©️ 2025.H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, what is sticking out of your nose?
Sweetie: I don’t know. A stick?
Me: Hold still. Yuck. How did that get in there?
Sweetie: I don’t know. Someone put it there.
Me: Yes. Someone named Sweetie. We do not pick up sticks with our noses.
Sweetie: It was just a little one. Now you’re blaming me for having a stick in my own nose. How rude!
Me: Noses are for breathing. Not for jamming things into. Take it easy when you go nasal exploring.
Sweetie: I’ll consider it.
MoonCat: Too little, too late.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“Pointed nose. Pointed tail. Pointed nose. Pointed tail.
Naw. I’ll just roll my round self up in a ball. That’s more my style.”
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I’m taking this.
Doodlebug: Out of my way. Leave something for me. This! This is perfect.
Sweetie: Leave the small stuff.
Me: Hold on just a minute!
Sweetie: Okay.
Me: How did y’all…who opened the door to the clothes dryer?
Doodlebug: No one will ever know.
Sweetie: Problem?
Me: Yes. Those are my freshly washed clothes. Well, they were. You’ve never done this before. It’s like you’re trying to invent problems.
MoonCat: And succeeding quite well.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay. Who made this mess?
Doodlebug: Let me see it. Hmmm. Doesn’t look like one of my messes. May I lick it up?
Me: No, sir. Sweetie?
Sweetie: The snail did it.
Me: This is not a snail trail.
Sweetie: Well, of course, it would deny it. Or blame some innocent bulldog.
MoonCat: Innocent bulldog? A mythological creature that never existed.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, Tall Man has brought a monster dirt-sucking machine inside and it sounds horrible.
Me: Yeah, but not for long. He is doing a huge renovation on the main bathroom. That means it will be like new.
Sweetie: A new bathroom just for us! Great!
Doodlebug: I can’t believe it! Our own bathroom!
Me: Well now, it’s not for y’all…
Sweetie: I’ve waited my whole life…
MoonCat: Sharing a bathroom with bulldogs has never been on my list of things to do. It still isn’t.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, someone has slimed the floor and, for once, it wasn’t me.
Me: That’s from a snail. Look, it’s squeezed back outside.
Doodlebug: Where does it live?
Me: In that big shell on its back.
Sweetie: A house on its back. Well, keep your slime in your own house and stay out of ours!
MoonCat: Snails sliming the place at night? The old “sleep with one eye open” rule still holds true. Don’t get slimed.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The problem with sneaky humans is you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. You know, treats and food and water and a roof and blankets…
Doodlebug: You may even love them. Hey, birdies, what do you do about cold feet in the winter?
Bud and Baby: Eck. Eck. Sit on them. Warm feathers, warm feet.
MoonCat: The most sensible thing I’ve ever heard. What a nice change.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Aaagghhh! They’re on my feet! I said no shoes! Get them off! Why weren’t y’all watching?
Me: It’s okay! I was just trying them on you to check the fit. Wait. Were you all planning to stop me? Is that why your feet were tucked up tight.
Doodlebug: I guess we were sleeping with both eyes closed.
MoonCat: Not me. I just laid back and watched the whole thing. It was a hoot and a holler, as some humans say.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I have called this meeting to address a serious problem.
Doodlebug: What do you mean you have called this meeting? I’m the King. I call the meetings.
Sweetie: Too low, too slow! Meeting called! This “doggie” shoe emergency must be dealt with. If we don’t, we might wake up wearing all kinds of human nonsense. Shoes, hats, vests, sweaters, sunglasses and anything else they drape on themselves.
MoonCat: I told you. There is only one solution. Sleep with one eye open. Then, if a human sneaks up with any nonsense, you can get up and walk away. Humans are funny creatures. They get embarrassed when they disturb our sleep. A guilt trip which works to our advantage. Meeting adjourned.
Sweetie: Hey, wait just a minute…
MoonCat: Meeting. Adjourned.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Run. Run. Run, run, run. Free!
Sweetie: Doodle! Hey! You’re dreaming.
Doodlebug: Aw. It was a great dream until…I was running so fast and, all of a sudden, a big heavy boot grabbed my foot and…What’s that?
Sweetie: Lady Human must have sneaked up while you were asleep and stuck one of those nasty “doggie” shoes on your foot.
MoonCat: Sleep with one eye open. Then that sort of thing won’t happen.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 