Bulldog Schedule – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Teatime is late, Lady Human. This is not a complaint, but it really is a complaint.

Me: It’s not nearly time for that yet.

Sweetie: Bulldog schedules are never wrong. Our stomachs are finely tuned instruments, far better than your clocks.

Me: I’ve noticed that y’all have been moving mealtimes around the last few weeks. Is it because the weather is cooling off?

Doodlebug: Bulldogs don’t respond to the weather any more than we respond to your human clocks.

MoonCat: Meow! Time to eat!

Me: Oh, not you, too.

MoonCat: Not me, too! Me first!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Head Pets – Conversation with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Come over here, Doodle.

Sweetie: I’ll come over.

Me: Okay, but I still want Doodlebug to come.

MoonCat: Are you giving out treats?

Me: Not right now. Just head pets.

Sweetie: I’ll take one.

MonnCat: Me, too. Briefly.

Me: Come on, Doodle Boy. Head pets.

Doodlebug: Is this a trick?

Me: Since when is a head pet a trick?

Doodlebug: How do I know it’s not an attempt to control me?

Me: Don’t you like head pets?

Doodlebug: Yes. More than just about anything. Which makes them just the sort of thing humans would use to get their way.

Me: So…head pet?

Doodlebug: Yes, please. I guess it’s worth the risk.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Doodlebug Dreaming – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hold up there…Stop in the name of the bulldog law…Wub wub wub..wub…

Sweetie: Lady Human! Come quick! Doodlebug has plumb lost his mind and he didn’t have much to spare.

Me: No! He’s just dreaming. See! He’s asleep.

MoonCat: Meow. A bulldog waggling his feet and barking while asleep does not sound sane to me. A cat would never make such an undignified display.

Doodlebug: What? What’s going on? Where am I?

Me: You’re here at home with us. You’re fine. You were just having a dream.

Doodlebug: But what about all that…and all those…and that big….Where did that all go?

Me: Just back into dreamland for now.

Doodlebug: Well, those dream dogs that were trying to eat my dream mountain of dream food better stay in dreamland if they know what’s good for them! I’ll go back for the food later.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldoggese Interpreter Needed – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie, silence please! You are talking up a storm and saying nothing.

Sweetie: Ruff! Ruff! Bark. Eewww! Arghhh!

Me: Does anybody know what she’s saying? It’s all over the place.

MoonCat: Meow. Sounds like bulldog nonsense to me. But then all bulldog speech is nonsense. Nobody can interpret that.

Me: Okay, Sweetie, you just came back in from outside. You just ate a little while ago. Your water bowl is full. You sound like a mixed bag of everything rolled into one.

Sweetie: It is so simple! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME ALL THE TIME! DO WHAT I SAY EVEN IF I DON’T SAY ANYTHING YOU UNDERSTAND! I AM IN CHARGE HERE! WHY DON’T YOU ALL GET THAT?

Doodlebug: Oh, is that all?

MoonCat: Same ole, same ole.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Keep Your Paws Off of Our Stuff – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Don’t touch what’s not yours. Nothing on the floor is yours.

Sweetie: Then why do you throw food on the floor?

Me: I don’t. That comes from big bulldog mouths knocking food bowls about. I’m talking about keeping your paws and mouths off other people’s stuff.

MoonCat: Leave me out of the discussion. I mind my own things

Doodlebug: But you put your paws on other people’s stuff, Lady Human.

Sweetie: Yeah. You’re all the time touching my stuff. Our stuff. Well, it’s mostly mine.

Doodlebug: My stuff. Chew sticks. Balls. That softy toy.

Sweetie: Beds.

Me: Poop? Is that poop outside yours?

Doodlebug: Nope. It doesn’t have my name on it.

Sweetie: Nope. Anyway you can’t prove it.

Doodlebug: Hey, Lady Human, you can put your paws on all that poop outside. It’s all yours now.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Foot Cleaning Social Hour – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Mmmm. Do you clean your feet like this?

Me: By licking them? Certainly not!

Sweetie: Lady Human, I was talking to MoonCat. She has way more feet than you. I don’t expect humans to know how to do things the proper way.

MoonCat: Meow. Your feet are bigger than mine, bulldog. I clean mine from the tops and sides first, but never before eating.

Doodlebug: Only after dinner then.

MoonCat: Yes, King Bulldog. Licking my feet before eating would be vulgar.

Me: Yeah, I can see that. All that loose hair and cat litter and stuff.

MoonCat: Clean your human feet as you wish to, ma’am, and we will clean ours in our own way.

Sweetie: Humans don’t understand the pressure of taking care of more than two feet at a time, MoonCat.

MoonCat: It is a lot of work, but it gives us so much more to talk about during social hour.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Foot Bath – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! She’s done it again!

Me: Who’s done what again? Oh, Sweetie! Your water bowl!

Sweetie: What’s wrong?

Me: Your water bowl is muddy and almost empty. Again.

Sweetie: My toesies were hot and my water bowl was just sitting there, doing nothing, so I gave myself a foot bath.

MoonCat: I give myself foot baths all the time, but I’m smart. I use my tongue.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Shake Out the Cobwebs – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Time to stretch our legs.

MoonCat: Meow. My legs are already stretched, thank you. Count me out.

Sweetie: Huh? What?

Me: Wake up, girl. Time to eat and drink and walk around.

Sweetie: Oh. That stuff. Okay. Everybody stand back. SHAKE IT OUT! Woo!

Me: You always do that full body shake every time you wake up. It must feel good.

Sweetie: It shakes out the cobwebs any sneaky spiders might have strung on me while I was sleeping. Everything works better then. You should try it, Lady Human. You might work better then, too.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Sunsitting – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why won’t Sweetie come inside? It’s hot.

Me: I know. I’m going to make her come in now.

MoonCat: Meow. I never go outside. It’s always too hot or too cold. Even when it’s just right.

Me: Sweetie, you have to come inside now.

Sweetie: I can’t. I’m sunsitting.

Me: You mean sunbathing.

Sweetie: No, sunsitting. I am taking care of the sun. Like when humans take care of little humans.

Me: I think the sun will be alright without you. It’s been there for a long, long time.

Sweetie: But the sun is lonely. It’s up there all by itself.

Me: Mmmm…it may seem that way, but it’s really not.

Sweetie: It needs me. Wait. Okay. I’m too hot now. Shame on you, Sun. No more sunsitting with you. I’m going inside. Oh, but I’ll see you tomorrow, same time, same place.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Too Much Talk – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie is giving a speech. Again.

Sweetie: Hear ye! Hear ye!

Doodlebug: What does that mean?

Sweetie: I don’t know. I heard it on the humans’ Picture Box.

MoonCat: It doesn’t matter. I’ve already stopped listening.

Sweetie: I am going to exercise my mouth until it gets tired. And I do not tire easily. I am a bulldog.

Me: So you are just going to keep barking for no reason until you decide to stop. Is that it?

Sweetie: And why not? Humans do it all the time. You all complain about dogs barking, but you never shut your own mouths.

Me: Well, I have something to say about that.

Doodlebug: Of course, you do.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Set in Our Ways – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is that you are doing, Lady Human? What is in your hand?

Me: Well, it’s your food bowl.

Doodlebug: It’s not my food bowl. My food bowl is always over there, ready when I want it.

Sweetie: Yeah, what are you trying to do, ma’am? Confuse us? Leave well enough alone.

Me: His food bowl comes close to getting spilled every time I walk through here.

Doodlebug: Then don’t walk through here. Walk through there.

MoonCat: Meow. Don’t move my food bowl. How will I find it in the dark?

Me: Uh, the same way you find everything else in the dark?

MoonCat: Hmmm. Questionable.

Sweetie: We are set in our ways. If it ain’t fixed, don’t break it.

Me: I think you mean “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Sweetie: That’s what I said.

Doodlebug: We like the way we have things set up. If you go changing the setup, no telling what might happen.

Sweetie: Yeah, Lady Human, we might go changing your set ways. Then where might your food bowl end up.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Turn Off the Heater – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Once again, something is wrong.

Sweetie: Lady Human! You forgot to turn your heater machine off!

Me: The heater is not on. It has not been on for months and months.

Doodlebug: Then humans must have fouled something else up.

Me: Oh, no doubt.

MoonCat: Meow. They are complaining because it is hot and their silly bulldog faces are steamy.

Me: That’s why I have set fans all around and the ceiling fans are going full blast along with the A/C window unit.

Sweetie: Not good enough.

Me: Well. I can add some ice cubes to your water.

Doodlebug: Yes, do that, please. What flavors do you have?

Sweetie: Make mine cheese flavored.

MoonCat: Make mine tuna cubes.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Change a Thing – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something is different. I don’t like it.

Sweetie: My chair! My big blue chair! It was over there where it belongs and now it’s over here where it doesn’t belong.

MoonCat: Meow. Why, oh why, Lady Human?

Me: It’s a small adjustment.

Sweetie: Small nothin’!! I used to be able to walk there. Now I have to move over two steps.

Doodlebug: And there won’t be as much room to track mud into the room now.

MoonCat: But if you are sitting there, Lady Human, you will be closer when I eat and we can talk.

Sweetie: Closer to the cat’s food? Oh, yeah! I see that now. Never mind. Leave it in its new spot. Since it’s my chair anyway, I can help MoonCat with her leftovers.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Tyranny of the Clock – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

And I am Sweetie, Queen of all dogs everywhere.

MoonCat: Meow.

Me: Why haven’t y’all eaten your food?

Doodlebug: It was served way too early.

Me: I brought it at the same time I bring your afternoon meal every day. 3 p.m. The clock doesn’t lie.

Sweetie: Clock? What is “clock” and why is she telling me when to eat?

Me: A clock tells time in hours, minutes, and seconds.

MoonCat: Meow. Sounds complicated.

Doodlebug: Yeah, my stomach tells me when to eat. Simple.

Me: Well, the clock tells me when to do things. It’s a tyrant.

Sweetie: Another weird human word. What is a tyrant?

Me: A tyrant is an oppressor that orders everybody else around.

Doodlebug: Oh, why didn’t you say so? I understand now.

Sweetie: Yeah, Lady Human! It’s a perfect description of you. You’re a clock!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

A Bob-what? – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something’s wrong. Lady Human! There’s a weird scent on the air!

Me: Yeah, Tall Man just told me he heard a bobcat growling nearby. Heads up!

Sweetie: A cat named Bob? Who would do such a thing? And we already have a cat around here so…nope!

Me: A bobcat is a wild animal, way bigger that a house cat like MoonCat.

MoonCat: Yeah, leave me out of this. I do not now nor have I ever associated with wild cats of any size. And not about to start.

Doodlebug: I can deal with it.

Me: No, sir, you can’t. Bobcats climb fences and they hunt small animals.

Sweetie: Well, I’m not small so that leaves me out.

Me: Not really. I say again, Heads up! I’ll be going outside with you for the time being. It will probably move on back into the trees by the creek. It won’t like the presence of humans.

Sweetie: So you are good for something, Lady Human! I knew we would find out what it was sooner or later.

Doodlebug: I still don’t know why someone would name a cat “Bob”.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Write Out Loud! – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug. King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you doing, Lady Human?

Sweetie: She is scratching a poor innocent piece of paper with her stick again.

Me: It’s called ‘writing’. I put words down on the paper in ink so they can be read.

MoonCat: Words? I don’t hear anything except the scratching. Does the scratching make you feel better? Scratching makes me feel better.

Me: Uh, different type of scratching. I guess it makes me feel better to get the words out.

Doodlebug: Sorry, Lady Human, but no words are coming out.

Sweetie: Yeah, I don’t hear a thing either.

Me: Well, scratching…I mean writing…is silent until it’s read or recited.

Sweetie: That’s kind of selfish. You should share.

Me: How would I share while I’m writing?

The Pack: WRITE OUT LOUD!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Fumble Fingers – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you trying to do, Lady Human?

Sweetie: Whatever it is, you make it look hard.

Me: I’m just opening a can of tuna for MoonCat. Oh, no! Fumble fingers. I just spilled some.

Sweetie: I hope you don’t expect ME to eat that. It’s been on the floor.

Me: As if that’s ever mattered to y’all before. No, I’ll clean it up.

MoonCat: Wait a moment. Don’t be so hasty.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

“Hey!” is Not My Name – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. DOODLEBUG. Or Doodle. Or Good Boy. Or Your Majesty. NOT “Hey!” That is for horses and goats.

Sweetie: And “Hey!” is not my name either. I answer to Sweetie, or Good Girl, or Suppertime, and that’s it.

MoonCat: Meow. And there’s no sense in calling me at all. I’LL CALL YOU!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

A Gaze vs. A Stare – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: What are you staring at, Doodle?

Doodlebug: I am not staring.

Sweetie: Them eyes of yours are set in a fightin’ mode!

Me: Settle down, both of you. I think Doodlebug is just gazing in your direction. A gaze is not a stare.

Sweetie: When eyeballs are set on me, how am I supposed to tell the difference?

Me: A gaze is softer than a stare. Like the way you’re both looking at me now.

MoonCat: Meow. None of y’all know anything about a stare. Now THIS is a stare!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Mucking out the Stall – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Lady Human, something stinks.

MoonCat: Meow! And I know exactly what it is. And who.

Me: Yes. I do, too. Get up, Sweetie. Your whole sleeping space is going to have to be deep cleaned.

Doodlebug: Yes, Sweetie. PLEASE!

Sweetie: Why me? I’m comfortable, except for the stink.

Me: If you were a horse, I might call this mucking out your stall, so move over here while I…

Sweetie: But it’s the way I like it, except for the stink.

Me: Well, smells can accumulate. Between the potty accident the other day which I cleaned up but which left lingering reminders and the spilled water and the spilled food and the tracked in dirt and mud from outside and…

Sweetie: Muck out somebody else’s stall and leave me alone and happy…except for the stink.

Copyright 2023 H J. Hill All Rights Reserved.