Author: H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is the worst restaurant in town.

Me:  Stella, I thought I made it clear to you. This is not a restaurant.

Stella:  Why do humans get to choose their own food? Why can’t we have one of those things you pick food from?

Me:  A menu?

Stella:  If you say so. You bring home all kinds of food from all kinds of places. Why can’t we do that?

Me:  Your food may be boring, but it’s good for you. It doesn’t make you sick. Some of our foods and spices would.

Stella:  How would you like it if every meal you ate was the same?

Me:  I would find it kind of boring. I’d still eat it. You know, so as not to starve.

Stella:  Would you go to that restaurant every day?

Me:  Probably not.

Stella:  So why should we eat at this restaurant every day?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am hot on the trail.

Me:  I can’t imagine why.

Stella:  Because some rude dogs have left muddy tracks all over our floor and all over our yard and someone has to clean it up.

Me:  That someone will be me and don’t tell me that you don’t know who tracked mud and left footprints in the muddy yard.

Stella:  Okay, I won’t tell you that. Okay, give me a hint.

Me:  Those mysterious dog prints belong to you all and so do the tracks in the house.

Stella:  So, you admit that they are mysterious.

Me:  No, I was being facetious.

Stella:  You told me you are a human being. Please make up your mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ouch!

Me:  What happened now?

Stella:  MoonCat happened.

Me:  Here, let me see. She poked you on the head. It’s already scabbing over. Another battle scar. What started this fight?

Stella:  Well, she was staring at me, sitting all prissy on the couch and I jumped up on the couch to say a friendly howdy and…

MoonCat:  Meow.

Stella:  No, I didn’t, you cat you!

Me:  What did she say?

Stella:  She says I jumped on her.

Me:  Well, didn’t you? You were up on the couch.

Stella:  Poor old Stella. Always getting accused of jumping on cats just because…just because I jump on cats.

Me:  You came away with a tiny scratch. Let that be a lesson to you. Stay away from cats.

Stella:  No, stay away from cat claws.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And one, two, three – SLAM!

Me:  Hey, Stella!

Stella:  And one, two, three – BAM!

Me:  Cut it out!

Stella:  Circle, circle, circle, and SLAM!

Me:  Stella! No more! This is my bed! Stop trying to bump me over.

Stella:  It would be a whole lot easier and faster if you would just roll off the bed on your own. You are way too heavy for me to move.

Me:  I’m not supposed to move. Once again, hear what I am saying. This is MY bed. My ONLY bed. You have this bed and that bed, and you can sleep in the other room where there is yet another bed for you.

Stella: But this is my favorite. So, BOOM!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am tired. The humans made awful sounds in the sky last night and wouldn’t let us sleep. Sky horns. Why are humans so loud?

Me:  Those were tornado sirens. They only go off when there is a tornado on the ground within the county.

Tiger:  Is a tornado that important?

Me:  Pretty important.

Wiggles:  I didn’t see any tornado. I think. What does it look like?

Me:  Like a snake of wind twirling in the sky with its tail in the dirt. Once you’ve seen one, believe me, you’ll never forget it.

Miss Sweetie:  Will the sky snake come back tonight?

Doodlebug:  It had better not! I’ll catch its tail in my mouth and bite it off!

Me:  It doesn’t quite work that way, boy. I wish it did. And thankfully, there are no tornadoes expected around here tonight and, thankfully, no one was killed or seriously hurt by that one last night. There was a lot of damage.

Stella:  Why didn’t the sky snake run away when the humans sounded their horns?

Me:  The horns are a warning for all of us to take shelter right away in some place sturdy. Tornadoes are whirling winds. They aren’t scared off by sirens. Again, I wish it worked that way.

Stella:  I will sleep well tonight. No sky horns. No sky snakes. Peace.

Me:  Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ah, peace and quiet.

Tiger:  Mmmmmmmm! I want to go out!

Stella:  You just came in. Stop running and whining.

Tiger:  Go out! Go out! Go out!

Me:  Okay, go on out.

Stella:  What’s her deal? She’s been like this for days. Oh, look. See, she’s standing at the door and wants back in. She didn’t even go potty.

Tiger:  Come in. Come in. Come in.

Me:  Yes, come in. Calm down, girl.

Tiger:  Run, run, run. Jump, jump, jump. Twirl around. And again. And again.

Me:  You sure are full of energy lately. Maybe the change in the weather…

Stella:  Naw, she’s just out of control, that’s all.

Me:  But why?

Stella:  Haven’t you figured this out by now? There is no reason for a bulldog’s behavior. Tiger is acting wired because Tiger is Tiger all the time.

Me:  But I want to understand why…

Stella:  Huh. Humans. I am sorry, Lady Human, but that is one of your human dreams that you will have to give up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has been doing what the humans call ‘playing hooky’ today. It sounds like fun, but she’s the only one who had any.

Me:  I went to the zoo. So?

Wiggles:  Lunch was late…again.

Doodlebug:  That always happens when you have fun, Lady Human.

Me:  Every once in a while, I do something a little different. So?

Miss Sweetie:  Is a zoo where strange animals live?

Me:  Yeah. How did you know?

Tiger:  With all due respect, Lady Human, you smell strongly of strange animals.

Stella:  Why were you visiting strange animals instead of staying here and playing with us?

Wiggles:  And why couldn’t we go along?

Me:  No dogs allowed at the zoo. Your presence might freak out the animals there.

Tiger:  Strange animals.

Miss Sweetie:  We are our own zoo.

Me:  It’s not the same thing, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:   You don’t need to go anyplace else to see strange animals. We are all right here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Uh, Lady Human, watch out! Doodlebug is sniffing!

Me:  All of you are sniffing all the time. What’s the problem?

Stella:  Lady Human! Leg up!

Me:  Whoa! Whoa! Doodle, stop!

Doodlebug:  What? What’s happening?

Me:  It’s what is NOT going to happen! No leg hiking in here! Take it outside!

Doodlebug:  But I need to let everyone know I’ve been here.

Me:  Everybody already knows you’ve been here.

Stella:  Yeah, Doodle, we don’t need reminders. I think you’re just showing off with all that leg stuff anyway. I don’t ever need to do that.

Doodlebug:  If you ever want to make your mark in the world, I’ll be happy to show you how.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Mmmmm!

Me:  What’s wrong?

Stella:  Mmmmm! Nothing! Mmmmm!

Me:  Something must be wrong for you to be grumbling like that.

Stella:  I can grumble if I want to. Nobody can stop me from grumbling. It is a bulldog speech right.

Me:  I’d still like to know why.

Stella:  It’s too hot.

Me:  No…

Stella:  It’s too cold.

Me:  No, not that either.

Stella:  Everybody’s too loud. Be quiet!

Me:  Is that better?

Stella:  Where did the noise go? It’s too quiet!

Me:  I think I need a vacation.

Stella:  Yes, go! No, stay!

Me:  Calm down, girl! Why are you a fussbudget today?

Stella:  Somebody has to do it and I’m the best fussbudget there is!

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Hey, what’s this? Aw, Stella, you left cracker crumbs in your bed. I thought you had vacuumed those up.

Stella:  A few crumbs. Is that all? Here, let me get them. Okay, now I’m ready for more.

Me:  More what? Crumbs?

Stella:  No, no, no! More crackers! Isn’t that where crumbs come from? Aren’t crumbs just baby crackers?

Me:  Crumbs are broken pieces of crackers. Crackers don’t have babies. Crackers are not alive.

Stella:  You could have fooled me with the way they jump into your mouth.

Me:  I admit it. I enjoy a good cracker or two when I’m watching TV at night.

Stella:  Oh, Lady Human, a cracker or two? You forget. I can count higher than that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. New rules from Lady Human! Now hear this!

Miss Sweetie:  New rules? I don’t remember the old rules. Is that all right?

Stella:  These rules are about how we are supposed to act when we go to see the white coat people.

Tiger:  I know how to act. I acted a few days ago.

Stella:  That is why we now have new rules. Because of how you acted.

Tiger:  All I did was hunker down when I saw the white coat lady. And I tried to climb up on Lady Human’s lap, but I didn’t fit. And I growled at that little rude staring dog…

Stella:  Well, now we have rules against all those things. Number One: No growling, barking, or snapping at rude little dogs or rude big dogs. Number Two:  No eye contact with non-humans. They can’t take it and the humans can. Number Three:  No trying to jump into other humans’ rolling boxes. We only ride with Lady Human. Number Four:  No trying to jump back into Lady Human’s rolling box before we see the white coat people.

Tiger:  Rule Number Five:  No white coat people touching us with sharp, pointy sticks and pretending it’s good for us.

Me:  Those are needles. They inject medicines and vaccines. They are good for you.

Tiger:  That doesn’t even make good nonsense.

Doodlebug:  Next new rule: Treats, all the way, all the time.

Wiggles:  Next new rule:  No trips to see the white coat people at all.

Stella:  I agree. Forget all these rules. No trips to see the white coat people. New rule! By order of the Queen!

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Me:  Shh! If we hurry, we can leave without being noticed. Here’s your harness.

Tiger:  Oh, boy! I’m going to ride in the rolling box! Yippee!

Stella: Hey!

Wiggles:  What’s going on in there?

Me:  Nothing. Go back to sleep. Run, Tiger!

Tiger:  The rolling box! All mine!

Me:  Now, I’m going to be honest with you, Tiger. We’re going to the vet, but just for your rabies vaccine, okay?

Tiger:  Wait. This isn’t a party?

Me:  Well, you can sit back and enjoy the ride. It’s a long, long drive. You’ve been there before. They know all about bulldogs.

Tiger:  Wait. Are we going to that place that smells funny and not in a good way?

Me:  It will be all right.

Tiger:  I hate that place. Weird smells. And lots of little dogs staring at me. Makes me so mad!

Me:  We will just ignore the staring dogs. Right?

Tiger:  Mmmmm…

Me:  Right?

Tiger:  Mmmmm…

Me:  I’m sorry you are afraid of the vet’s office.

Tiger:  The white coat people are okay, I guess. But why are there always those little staring dogs?

Me:  Because…vet’s office.

Tiger:  Nasty little staring dogs. It’s an awful high price to pay for nice, long ride.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Lunch was late again today!

Me: But you did get lunch.

Tiger: Regular lunch, yes. But what about all that stuff you brought in.

Me: What did I bring in?

Wiggles: Meat.

Doodlebug: Special meat.

Miss Sweetie: Brisket.

Me: You’ve got a very discerning nose, Sweetie. Yes, it was brisket. I’m having a special holiday celebration for which brisket can be a traditional dish. Along with pomegranates and apples dipped in honey…

Stella: Are those meats?

Me: No.

Stella: Never mind then. Just keep talking about the brisket.

Wiggles: What special day?

Me: Rosh Hashanah. A new year! We all need a new year.

Tiger: I thought that New Year was in the cold weather.

Doodlebug: When you keep us in at night because the sky is exploding.

Me: There are different new year celebrations. Rosh Hashanah is an enjoyable celebration to me because we focus on God and the year to come.

Stella: And…?

Me: And?

Stella: Brisket! How quickly she forgets!

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Tiger:  Everyone stay completely still …while I bark my head off!

Me:  Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s the matter?

Tiger:  A monster is eating the doorknob, Lady Human! It must be stopped!

Me:  That’s not a monster. It is a tote bag I was given. I don’t bring monsters into the house.

Stella:  You brought Tiger.

Tiger:  How dare you! Who do you think you are?

Stella:  I am the Queen. I have queenly free speech rights.

Me:  Enough, you two. I’ll move the tote. It won’t cause any more consternation.

Stella:  Where did you get that monster bag?

Me:  At the Pen Show.

Stella:  I was right! When you left this morning, I knew you were up to no good.

Me:  I went to the annual Pen Show. How is that being up to no good?

Stella:  Did you bring us anything?

Me:  Well, no.

Stella:  Then it was no good for us!

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Doodlebug has a problem. Please save him.

Me: What? He’s been outside for a little while, but there’s no…

Stella:  Look at him. He’s stuck. He won’t come in by himself. Oh, now he’s barking! You know Doodle! He never barks outside!

Me:  Doodle? What’s wrong, boy? Why are you standing in the middle of the yard barking? Come here.

Doodlebug:  I can’t.

Me:  Why not? Come on in.

Doodlebug:  Don’t you see them? I’m being bombed. Whoa! There goes another one! Make them go away!

Me:  Okay. You are all right. Follow me. Those are just big green beetles. This is their time to buzz around. They don’t sting. They just fly fast and they’re really round. Don’t be afraid.

Doodlebug:  Whoa! They are swooping down! They are going to eat me!

Me:  No, they won’t, not even a nibble. Keep walking with me.

Doodlebug:  What if they land on me?

Me:  I’ll brush them off. They don’t get to fool with my Doodlebug.

Doodlebug:  I’ll keep barking until we are safe inside. That will shake their world. Silly buzz monsters.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. For shame, Lady Human! You lied to a dog!

Me:  What have I done now? What did I lie about?

Stella:  You said the cool air was coming. You said that the summer was over. You said…you said…you said!

Me:  I did say that, didn’t I? I was going on reports from the weather people. I should have checked the Farmers Almanac. They’ve been around for a long, long time. They said it would be hot here through September. This is the hottest September we have had in 122 years.

Stella:  I don’t know what September is, but you need to put an end to it!

Me:  That is one of those many things over which I have no control. September will end when it is scheduled to end and not before.

Stella:  I am beginning to believe that humans have control over hardly anything at all.

Me:  It’s just as well you find that out now.

Stella:  Doesn’t that bother you? Being human with all the things you can do and all the things you can’t?

Me:  Not as much as it used to. Maybe I’ve grown up some.

Stella:  If I were a human, I don’t think I could ever grow up that much.

Me:  You are a bulldog though.

Stella:  I almost forgot. Bulldogs rule!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Tiger:  I know. I know. You never stop reminding us.

Stella:  What’s your problem?

Tiger:  Shhh! If I lay on my paws, do you think Lady Human will ignore them?

Stella:  Ignore your paws? Oh…

Me:  Nope. I have a good memory. I don’t forget toenails that need to be trimmed.

Tiger:  AAGGHH! Why don’t you ever give up?

Me:  Look. You have four paws. Eighteen toenails.

Stella:  That doesn’t seem to add up.

Me:  Have your math skills improved?  Four nails on each foot plus two dew claws, one on each front paw. On this round of trimming, to date, I have only been able to clip three. That means fifteen to go.

Tiger:  No. No. I looked at my nails today and they all seem just fine, so you can go on and do something more interesting, Lady Human. Me and my nails are just fine, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

MoonCat:  Meow!

Stella:  What is the cat complaining about?

Me:  She’s upset with me because she thinks her bowl does not have enough food in it.

MoonCat:  Meow!

Me:  I am filling it up as fast as I can. Shaking your head at me is not going to speed it up.

Stella:  What! Cat, how dare you? Don’t shake your head at us!

Me:  At us?

Stella:  If she shakes her head at you, she is shaking it at me. We’re in this together.

Me:  Okey dokey. If you say so.

Stella:  Lady Human, Lady Human.

Me:  Are you shaking your head at me, too?

Stella:  Yes, I am. You let a cat write the rules. SMH…sadly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human wants to talk. As usual.

Me:  We are going to be nail trimming for the next few days.

Tiger:  I dare say we will not!

Wiggles:  Fat chance!

Doodlebug:  I don’t need my nails trimmed. Look! I wore them down outside.

Miss Sweetie:  Yay, nail trimming! Wait. What is nail trimming?

Stella:  Oh, Sweetie. Look, Lady Human, I don’t like that kinda talk! So, stop talking.

Me:  It has to be done sometime. The weather is going to be slightly cooler the next few days.

Tiger:  How much cooler?

Me:  As in not in the upper 90s.

Tiger:  If that means what I think it means, not good enough.

Me:  Come on, y’all! Think of it as a game.

Stella:  If we chewed off your toenails, would you think of that as a game?

Me:  I can trim my own nails. You can’t trim yours.

Stella:  Maybe the Great Creator wanted it that way. Maybe nail trimming dogs is just another example of human…

Tiger:  Arrogance.

Wiggles:  Domination.

Doodlebug:  Willfulness.

Miss Sweetie:  Stupidity. I call it ‘human dumbness’.

Stella:  I’ll leave it at this – I don’t like that kinda talk.  So, stop talking.

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is a lovely day…

Wiggles:  Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Me:  What? What’s wrong?

Wiggles:  Ow! Foot! Ow!

Me:  Let me see!

Wiggles:  No! I have to finish hopping around!

Stella:  Wiggles, let Lady Human look at your foot.

Wiggles:  Wait. Wait. Wait. Okay. There I was, minding my own business and a stick stuck.

Me:  I don’t see it now.

Wiggles:  Let me lick my foot. Mean ole stick! Probably angry that the oak tree fell. It blamed me.

Me:  I don’t believe sticks hold grudges.

Wiggles:  Then why do they lie in wait until our innocent tender little feet step right down on them?

Me:  You lick your foot and I’ll look at it after you calm down.

Wiggles:  You lick my foot.

Me:  No, I’ll leave that to you.

Wiggles:  Don’t you love me?

Me:  Yes, but your tongue is a lot bigger than mine.

Wiggles:  Okay, that makes sense. I’ll let you know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.