Bulldoggy

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Look! Now we can see every step I have taken. Cool!

Me:  Not cool! Muddy!

Miss Sweetie:  Cool! Mud! Look! My footsies make way bigger mud splats than yours do, Aunt Stella!

Wiggles:  Yeah, but there are way more of my mud prints because I am such a fast dancer.

Doodlebug:  Is this the same as a mud bath?

Me:  No, but it could become that really quick.

Tiger:  I’m not getting my paws muddy. I refuse to go outside.

Me:  Not an option, girl.

Tiger:  Oh, right. When are we getting our indoor toilet?

Stella:  How did this happen? It was hot…

Me:  103 degrees…

Stella:  And this morning it was…well…not hot.

Me:  73 degrees. A thirty degree drop but not even close to a record.

Stella:  But where did the water come from? And how come the ground is so squishy?

Me:  Rain plus dirt equals mud.

Stella:  And mud plus paws equals squish.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. There is a gross injustice here.

Me:  Oh, boy, what now?

Stella:  You were seen eating crackers at lunch.

Me:  Yes, and…

Stella:  I never get crackers at lunch.

Me:  No, you get lunch at lunch.

Stella:  But I get crackers at bedtime.

Me:  That’s a little bedtime snack.

Stella:  Why do you get crackers at lunch?

Me:  They are a little side dish. They aren’t my whole lunch.

Stella:  I want a little side dish, too.

Me:  You get your in and out treats.

Stella:  Here’s a deal. You share your crackers with me at lunch and I’ll share my treats with you. Fair, huh?

Me:  I haven’t developed a taste for your treats, so I’ll turn that offer down.

Stella:  Awww. And I am stuck with regular food and treats and bedtime crackers and no side dishes for lunch. Like I said…a gross injustice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am so sorry, Lady Human. It is all my fault.

Me:  What’s all your fault?

Stella:  The sky exploded. I caused it. If I had to do it over again, I would have held my sneeze in and exploded my own head. But now…

Me:  It’s all right, Stella.

Stella:  How can it be alright if the sky is gone? I shouldn’t have sneezed. I shouldn’t have sneezed. I shouldn’t have sneezed.

Me:  The sky is not gone. You just happened to sneeze and then there was a big thunderclap. Look outside. The sky is still there. We are living through a big thunderstorm. That’s all.

Stella:  So my nose did not explode anything?

Me:  Nope.

Stella:  That is a huge relief. I didn’t know how I was going to apologize to the Great Creator for blowing up His sky.

Me:  He requires no apology from you for sneezing.

Stella:  Whew! And you are sure that I did not cause that big thunder boom.

Me:  Yup. Pretty sure.

Stella:  Pretty sure?  Is that all? I am going to have to be more careful about my big old bulldog nose letting off pressure in the future. You never know what I might start.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  I have to tell you. I didn’t get to the store today to buy our special crackers, so…

Stella:  What? There are no crackers for tonight? Horrible! Terrible! Not to be tolerated!

Me:  Well, you’re going to have to tolerate it. Besides, I have an alternative. Try this.

Stella:  Smells like peanut butter. Looks like two cheese crackers with peanut butter sticking them together. Did a human invent this?

Me:  Yes, as with most unnatural things on this earth. A clever person decided that cheese crackers go neatly with peanut butter.

Stella:  This is not normal. Beep… beep… beep… alarm…alarm…alarm…

Me:  Okay. That’s all right. You don’t have to…

Stella:  Hold up there, Lady Human! Did I say ‘no’? I am a bulldog. Bulldog is the very definition of not normal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ewww!

Me:  What’s ewww now?

Stella:  That thing in your hand. Get rid of it, Lady Human! It’s wicked!

Me:  It’s a lime. There’s nothing wicked about it.

Stella:  Eeeeee! I can’t control my mouth. My lip. It’s curling up. I can’t stop it! It is all the fault…of…that…thing…

Me:  Okay. Okay. Just go in the other room until I finish cooking. And to avoid this in the future, don’t get so close to my food.

Stella:  This is terrible. What if my lip doesn’t go back into place? What if it’s frozen? I will always look like I am snarling.

Me:  Wait a second. Let me look. See. It’s already back to normal.

Stella:  Horrible. How can humans eat such things?

Me:  We enjoy lots of different flavors.

Stella:  Please keep those flavors to yourself. You have just ruined my appetite for the next…oh, half a minute or so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

MoonCat:  Meow!

Stella:  Lady Human! The cat’s complaining! Again!

Me:  What’s wrong, Moon? Oh, dry water bowl? How did that happen? I just filled it.

MoonCat:  Meow!

Stella:  Just tell her.

MoonCat:  Big mouth bulldog drank it all.

Me:  Which big mouth bulldog?

Stella:  I know! I know! And it wasn’t me.

Me:  Wiggles?

Wiggles:  Hmmm?

Me:  What are you doing drinking the cat’s water?

Wiggles:  It was there. It smelled funny. You know…like a cat. I thought it might taste better than mine. So…

Stella:  You have embarrassed yourself among all bulldogs everywhere. How will you ever get the taste of cat water out of your mouth?

Wiggles:  I already did. I drank out of your bowl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey! Lady Human!

Me:  Yep.

Stella:  Pet me.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Pet me again.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Scratch me.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Scratch me again.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Lady Human.

Me:  Hmmm?

Stella:  Attention! Attention! Attention!

Me:  Whoa! I’m still here.

Stella:  Then why do I have to keep asking?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, take that thing off your face. You look ridiculous.

Me:  You’ve seen me with a mask on before.

Stella:  That doesn’t make you look any less ridiculous.

Miss Sweetie:  Look at me! Look at me, Lady Human! I have a mask on! Do I look ridiculous, too? Please say I do!

Me:  Oh, Sweetie, you do look funny!

Stella:  Sweetie! Take that food bowl off your face!

Miss Sweetie:  It’s a mask. Now I can go around with Lady Human.

Me:  Aluminum bowls don’t really work as face masks, though you would attract a lot of attention. Especially every time it fell off.

Miss Sweetie:  You can wear one, too, Lady Human. You can use my water bowl.

Me:  Thanks. I’ll stick with the cloth one.

Miss Sweetie:  Wee! Food bowl masks! The humans should try this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The little trees are shaking, Lady Human. They are shaking because they are afraid.

Me:  They are shaking because Doodlebug and Sweetie have got them in the grip of their bulldog teeth and are tugging their little branches off. Hey, y’all, what’s going on here?

Doodlebug:  They were in our way, but they aren’t in our way anymore.

Miss Sweetie:  And the leaves on this one taste good.

Me:  Enough is enough. If there is tree trimming to be done, the humans will do it.

Stella:  But these little trees grew across the path and I didn’t see you or Tall Man ever…

Me:  Thank you for your assistance, but we would have gotten around to it.

Miss Sweetie:  No problem, Lady Human, we don’t mind. It gives us another thing to munch on.

Doodlebug:  Yeah, and we are even better than those loud, buzz machines you humans are always using to disturb our peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Wow! What happened?

Me:  A cold front. Those thunderstorms last night brought cooler air with them. It was 106 degrees and about an hour later, it was down to 75.

Stella:  Can you do that again?

Me:  Since I didn’t do it, I doubt it.

Stella:  It has been so hot! For a million years.

Me:  Well, despite what you think, I have not been around for a million years, so…

Stella:  Now it is all nice and cool.

Me: Yes, it is a nice, cool 93 degrees.

Stella:  You probably didn’t notice, Lady Human, but for this last week or so, I didn’t want to do anything. So, in the way of bulldogs, I didn’t.

Me:  It’s hard to get motivated in the heat. Once you get out in it, it’s okay, but you never stop thinking about the air conditioning.

Stella:  And ice.

Me:  And cool, wet scarves.

Stella:  And ice.

Me:  And rubbing alcohol.

Stella:  And… wait…that stinky, smelly stuff you wipe on your arms…NOOOOO! Keep it away! Keep it away!

Me:  I don’t use it on you. It helps me cool down.

Stella: And you can keep it all to yourself. Wait again. Are you going to use it today? Do I have to hide my precious little bulldog nose?

Me:  No, I probably won’t bring it out today. It’s cooled down enough.

Stella:  Whew! That’s a relief! Next time, you need to cool down, I have a whole supply of non-stinky drool for that.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  How is everyone this evening?

Tiger:  GrrrrRRRR!

Me:  All right. There’s that. How about you, Wiggles?

Wiggles:  Hmmmpphh.

Me:  Wonderful.

Doodlebug:  Bad mood. Better not say anything.

Miss Sweetie:  Shine on, shine on, harvest moon, up in the sky…

Me:  Well, somebody’s in a good mood.

Miss Sweetie:  Hush!

Me:  Whoa!

Stella:  We all heard the little human tell you to…and I quote…’Shut up!’ Bulldogs aren’t better than humans. Now everyone wants to backtalk. Why did she say that?  Were you barking at her?

Me:  No. She has heard it among some of her less than mature human acquaintances. I guess she decided to try it out on me.

Stella:  How rude!

Me:  Funny, she was saying that about y’all barking earlier. She used that very word.

Stella:  I like her! She is like a bulldog. I can work with that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…Well?

Me:  Well what?

Stella:  I’m standing here in place. Do the thing.

Me:  Oohhh! That thing! You haven’t wanted to do that for a while.

Stella:  Now I do again. It was our thing to do when I go out and we did it all the time and I got used to it and now I miss it.

Me:  Okay. Here goes. Eeeeeeeee! Scratch, scratch, scratch. Pat, pat, pat. Is your rear end happy now?

Stella:  Yes, and off I go. Thank you, Lady Human. It means a lot to me.

Me:  Rituals can be very comforting.

Stella: Rituals? Do you have rituals?

Me:  Sure. We have spiritual rituals that are the same or just about the same over hundreds, even thousands of years. And we have traditions that may be less formal, but we do them on a regular schedule, some of them historical from a long time ago…

Stella:  Like from last week?

Me:  Usually longer ago than that. Like when we celebrate Thanksgiving. We have certain decorations and special foods…

Stella:  And the turkey meat shows up!

Me:  Yeah, that’s one of our traditions.

Stella:  Lady Human, we need more traditions with food.

Me:  Living here, in case you haven’t noticed, our traditions all have food linked to them.

Stella:  Can we link food to our little ritual, too?

Me:  I don’t know how that would work with the eeeeee sound and the scratching and the three pats.

Stella:  Oh, use your imagination! A treat before and a treat after. Simple.

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. We have another rule to approved or disapprove. I don’t see anyway around this one. Physically. No crowding the door at potty time.

Tiger:  I don’t like crowds of dogs anyway. Good rule!

Wiggles:  Crowds don’t bother me. I just push my way to the front.

Doodlebug:  Door?  What door? Doors are not a problem for me.

Miss Sweetie:  Crowds at the door? What if I need to go really bad?  Do I have to stand in a long line?

Me:  No, Sweetie. Everything will proceed in an orderly manner.

Stella:  Ha! Orderly! You sure don’t know bulldogs, do you, Lady Human? That’s why we have rules.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. We are now back in order in our convention.

Miss Sweetie:  Can we have more birthday sausages and treats?

Me:  No, not now. We need some breathing room.

Stella:  And that brings us to Rule #3. No sticking your head in the refrigerator.

Tiger:  How else are we going to smell what’s in there?

Doodlebug:  How are we going to see what’s in there?

Wiggles:  How are we going to grab what is in there?

Me:  That’s the point. The refrigerator is a storage place for food. We don’t need bulldog heads and mouths snooting around in it.

Stella:  Uh, Lady Human, snooting is done by noses.

Me:  Which is attached to your head which is right above your mouth.

Stella:  So, what’s your point?

Me:  So, no heads in the fridge.

Stella:  I move that we table this rule until later. All in favor. Aye. I am the queen. My vote counts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J Hill All Rights Reserved,

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STELLA! YOU ARE SEVEN YEARS OLD TODAY!

Tiger:  Do I have to sing the birthday song? She already gets called ‘the queen’ all the time. That’s like having a birthday every day.

Me:  We sang it for you. It would be nice if you joined in with a pleasant, non-grumbly voice.

Tiger:  Oh, all right.

Wiggles:  What do we get?

Me:  Special treat this evening. A small sausage that has been made with cheese. Well-cooked. Not our normal fare.

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, me, me, me!

Me:  Everyone gets some, Sweetie.

Doodlebug:  How old is seven years?

Me:  Well, I’ve seen several calculations for that, from 51.5 to 62.1 human years.

Doodlebug:  Is that old?

Me:  Well…

Stella:  I can’t believe it. Just like that, I am old.

Me:  You don’t act old. I don’t think of you as old. I didn’t know you when you were a puppy.

Stella:  I was a puppy?

Me:  Sure. Don’t you remember?

Stella:  Not much. Was I cute?

Me:  You’re cute now so you must have been cute then.

Stella:  I’m not sure I like birthdays anymore. Especially when there is no cake.

Me:  But then there is…

Stella:  SAUSAGE!!! I’m young again! Bring it on!

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs, come to order.

Tiger:  Ridiculous!

Doodlebug: Unheard of!

Wiggles:  Won’t happen.

Miss Sweetie:  Is Lady Human ordering for me?  I will take a hamburger with no green stuff.

Stella:  No, Sweetie. This is our rules convention, remember. Rule number 2 – no pooping or peeing in the house. Actually, I agree with this one. The house is not a potty.

Tiger:  Why do the humans have potties inside then?

Wiggles:  Their house, their rules.

Doodlebug:  I think we should keep this rule.

Tiger:  Inconvenient. What about when it rains like today. Or when it’s dark and scary.

Miss Sweetie:  Can I still get my hamburger?

Me:  What’s this conference about?

Stella:  It is not a conference. It is a convention. That is better. We are deciding if we should poop and pee inside or outside.

Me:  Outside, absolutely, all the time.

Stella:  But we get to vote.

Me:  Vote all you want. The rule is outside.

Stella:  But you can’t stop our vote.

Me:  No, but just for fun, I can veto it.

Stella:  Wait. V…O…T…E and V…E…T…O. That is a human trick. You just switched the letters up.

Me:  When did you start spelling?

Stella:  When I had to start keeping up with human tricks.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the English Bulldogges. This bulldog convention is called to order. On the agenda, changes to the Rules of the House. Rule #1: No barking. A quiet house is a happy house.

Tiger:  Wrong!

Wiggles:  Stupid!

Doodlebug:  Totally unbulldoggy!

Miss Sweetie:  What is a convention?  Wait. More important – what is a genda?

Me:  What is going on in here?

Stella:  A private bulldog meeting. Our free speech is being squashed. We are here gathered to take hold of our squashed words.

Me:  If that means you are going to bark all the time and for no reason, the answer is Nope.

Tiger:  That sounds reasonable.

Wiggles:  I can go along with that.

Doodlebug:  I vote aye!

Miss Sweetie:  Hold on! I still don’t know what a genda is?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you up to, Lady Human?

Me:  Hmmm?

Stella:  You are munching on something.

Me:  Hmmm?

Stella:  What are you holding back from me? Where is mine? I want mine now.

Me:  We’ll have crackers later.

Stella:  Not good enough. Show me what you have.

Me:  Ahhhh. There. See. Nothing.

Stella:  That’s because you ate it all. You were holding back on me. And you pretended you didn’t have anything in your mouth. For shame, Lady Human! You lied to a dog!

Me:  I’ll make it up to you later.

Stella:  You’d better believe you will. I’ve got my eye on you. No more hidden munching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Uhhhhh.

Me:  Time to eat, girl.

Stella:  Says who?

Me:  Everybody.

Stella:  Nope.

Me:  What do you mean “nope”?

Stella:  Nope. It is a plain ole well-known bulldog word. Please bring me my food and a new bowl of water.

Me:  I am not catering to your profound sense of laziness.

Stella:  But I have worked on it so hard for so many years. Surely I have graduated by now. Where’s my fancy piece of paper?

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, Lady Human. Come on. Get up. Pet me. Scratch me. The sun is shining through our window. Up! Up! Up! Oh, what’s the use? Sleep on. I’ll catch you later.

Me:  Good. She’s gone back to sleep. Truth be told, I was playing possum. I wanted to see how long she would keep tapping me with her paw if I didn’t respond. I won. Now…I’ll just stay still and wait…

 One Hour Later

 Stella:  Lady Human! Lady Human!

Me:  What? What happened?

Stella:  You were lazy.

Me:  No, I was playing possum.

Stella:  Do possums snore?

Me:  I don’t know…I don’t think so.

Stella:  Then you are no possum.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.