Bulldoggy

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and…CUT IT OUT, WIGGLES!

Wiggles:  HOW DARE YOU!

Stella:  ME? HOW DARE YOU!

Me:  How dare either one of you! Stella, face that way! Wiggles, you turn that other way! Now what started this?

Stella: She looked at me in my eyes. Nobody looks at me in my eyes!

Me:  I do.

Stella:  Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I’ll let it go for now.

Me:  Wiggles, what started it?

Wiggles: She looked at me in my eyes. I’ll put up with a lot, but I won’t tolerate that!

Me:  Oh, my word. “She looked at me.” “And she looked at me.” Are you kidding me? As long as the two of you have known each other, that is still a problem?

Wiggles:  Not if she keeps her eyes to herself.

Stella:  I’m good looking, but I won’t stand for no staring.

Me:  You know what this means? I have to hang a curtain between the two of you at night so there won’t be any staring.

Wiggles:  Sounds good.

Stella:  Yeah, that’ll work. Good night, Wiggles.

Wiggles:  Good night, Stella.

Copyright 2021 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen and Sheriff of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  You mean that sheriff thing I was joking about is official now?

Stella:  Never turn down a chance to enhance your standing in the community.

Me:  The bulldog community.

Stella:  Is there any other?

Me:  Well, as a matter of fact…

Stella:  Something weird is on the patio.

Me:  You sure noticed that in a hurry.

Stella:  I am the Sheriff. I stuck my stubby nose into the air and scented a new smell. My nose led me to a grand total of two new round things.

Me:  Pots for plants. I planted some dill and flowering chives in them today.

Stella:  I thought so.

Me:  You can tell what I planted just by the scent?

Stella:  No, how would I be able to do that? I’m a bulldog. Now if you go to a place for barbeque, THAT I can tell.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. There’s a stranger around. I scented that outside.

Me:  A coyote.

Stella:  Really?

Me:  Yeah. He was sitting out in the open in the middle of the afternoon. We think he may be sick, but nobody saw where he got off to.

Stella:  What will happen to him?

Me:  I am praying for the Great Creator to take him if he is sick. That would be best for him and everybody else.

Stella:  Are we safe?

Me:  Our fences are secure and their high enough that a coyote should not be able to scale them. Still and all…

Stella:  I know. Don’t talk to any strangers.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It has returned! Yay!

Me:  What?

Stella:  The cold air box!

Me:  Oh, yeah, well, I thought we could use a bit of cold air. Fans are fine, but sometimes we just need some A/C.

Stella:  So, when all that cold, and ice, and snow came for all those days, you just packed a bunch of it up in that little box and kept it for when it would be hot again. That’s very smart. Almost bulldog smart. I knew humans had it in them.

Me:  That’s not really how this works. This works off electricity and the compressor chills the air and blows it out in here.

Stella:  You mean you all wasted all that cold air from the monster storm.

Me:  There’s not really anyway to save it.

Stella:  For shame, Lady Human! We could have used that cold air now.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Okay, you’re going to have to move now.

Stella:  Nope.

Me:  Yep.

Stella: Nope.

Me:  I’m not giving up.

Stella:  I taught you that.

Me:  And I’ve learned well. Now move. I’m not giving up.

Stella:  I’m not giving up.

Me:  Can we negotiate this?

Stella:  What is negotiate?

Me:  I’ll offer you something you want in exchange for what I want.

Stella:  What do I want? Hmmm. I know. I want to stay right here in this spot. Hey, that negotiate stuff is fun. Now you go find what you want, Lady Human.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why were you talking to your little black box for so long?

Me:  I was making small talk with a friend.

Stella:  Does small talk mean nonsense? ‘Cause that’s what it sounded like to me.

Me:  Small talk is just talking about day-to-day stuff.

Stella:  Bulldogs don’t fool with small talk. We have big mouths for a reason. Small talk would just fall out between our teeth.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hurry, Lady Human! Stella to the rescue! A bulldog is screaming from down the hall!

Me:  Nope. Not screaming and not a bulldog. It’s delighted screeching and…

Stella:  It’s the little human! Yay! But why is she screeching like a bulldog?

Me:  Bulldogs don’t screech. You all grunt and moan and ruffle your lips and bark and howl, but I’ve never heard a single one of you screech.

Stella: I beg to differ. I should know what sounds bulldogs make. And I say that the little human is so loud a screecher that she makes an admirable bulldog.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. A little help here, Lady Human!

Me:  What do you need?

Stella:  I am here, and I need to get in there. Why do humans make things so difficult?

Me:  Doors are reasonable barriers.

Stella:  Doors are fine. It’s the doorknobs I object to. I don’t have those very convenient longs fingers you have.

Me:  I’m honestly glad you were not so equipped. We’d have all sorts of knobs being turned around here if you all had hands. 

Stella: A bulldog can dream.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Time to come in! Rain is on its way!

Wiggles: I’m not sure about that.

Me: Well then, come in because I say so.

Stella: What will you give us?

Me:  A dry place inside.

Miss Sweetie:  What about me? I’m already inside.

Doodlebug:  Yeah, I’ve already got a dry place. I want more.

Me:  Why do I have to bribe you to do what you ought to do?

Stella:  Don’t call it ‘bribery’. Call it a bulldog incentive.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I smell good. Sweetie, on the other hand…

Miss Sweetie:  My nose works fine. It’s just stubby, that’s all.

Stella:  I don’t mean how your nose works. I mean you stink.

Miss Sweetie:  Awwww.

Me:  Don’t worry, Sweetie. You smell like a classic wet dog.

Miss Sweetie:  I couldn’t help it, Lady Human.  The rain and the water were everywhere outside, and my feet and my tummy got wet…

Me:  It’s all right, girl. You’ll dry out.

Stella:  Meanwhile, “Wet Dog” is the only bulldog perfume we’ll be wearing in here.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what are you hiding?

Me: I’m not hiding anything.

Stella:  I smell crackers. Cheese. And peanut butter. Yep. Crackers.

Me: I think you’re scenting a memory.

Stella:  Show me your hands, ma’am.

Me:  Like I’m a cheating faro dealer in the Old West?

Stella:  If a faro dealer cheated by hiding crackers, yup..

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Move over, please.

Stella:  Nope. Can’t do it.

Me:  Stella, come on.

Stella:  Nope. My body is in a nice rut in the bed and the blanket is perfectly positioned under my body. I am set.

Me:  Well, I’m not and I would like to be so roll over.

Stella:  Just find yourself a spot and scrunch up…hey, what’s happening?

Me:  The vet said you have gained two pounds since last time. And boy, am I feeling it. You’re like a giant log, a huge boulder, a gigantic…

Stella:  Are you calling me fat? Why, thank you!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Humaaannn!  Sweetie is sitting in rainwater! She is making a messss!

Me:  Sweetie, isn’t it a little cool for an outdoor bath?

Miss Sweetie:  Nope.

Stella:  It’s rainwater, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:  Yep. It fell from the sky and filled my puppy pool because the Great Creator wanted me to take a bath. He enjoys clean dogs.

Me:  I don’t doubt that. But is cold rainwater all that comfortable to sit in?

Miss Sweetie:  I have a hot body, so I warm it up pretty quick. How do I smell now?

Stella:  Like a wet dog. And that is the honest opinion of a dog.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And I’m all shook up! But not in a good way! Lady Human! Are you trying to blow up the house?

Me:  No! Of course not! That was very close lightning causing big time thunder.

Wiggles:  Sounded like something a human would do!

Miss Sweetie:  Yeah, Lady Human, no fair! Cut it out!

Doodlebug:  Who interrupted my nap? Is it suppertime yet?

Stella:  The windows rattled, Lady Human! The windows! Rattled!

Me:  Yeah, all of them. Tall Man heard it, too.

Wiggles:  Why aren’t you upset, Lady Human?

Me:  No harm. No foul.

Miss Sweetie:  My ears are scared now.

Stella:  Will it happen again?

Me:  Not today. The storm has passed.

Stella:  Will it ever happen again?

Me:  I don’t know.

Stella:  And why is that? What about calling that man who came here when the big tree laid down on the house?

Me:  The insurance adjuster. He can’t stop storms or lightning or thunder.

Stella:  Then that’s not very good insurance, is it?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Unfair! Always unfair!

Me:  What is unfair now?

Stella:  You are always taking Doodlebug on fun trips.

Me:  Doodlebug, did you and I go on a fun trip the other day?

Doodlebug:  Nope.

Me:  Where did we go?

Doodlebug:  To a scary place that smelled funny and where humans poked me with tiny sharp sticks.

Me:  And did I get to go in with you?

Doodlebug:  Nope, and that made it even scarier.

Me:  Can you guess where we were, Stella?

Stella:  The white coat place.

Me:  The vets, yes. And out of caution over Covid, they would not let me come into the office, so Doodlebug had to go in by himself. And the sharp sticks were needles.

Stella:  How horrible! I’m sorry, Doodle. So when do I get to go on one of those fun trips?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Keep the door locked! Don’t go outside!

Me:  What? Why?

Stella:  The bug face people are coming.

Me:  Uh-oh! What’s going on in your head?

Stella:  It’s not my head that’s the issue! It is the bug face people’s heads.

Me:  Who are these bug face people you’re talking about?

Stella:  I saw them on the Picture Box. You know. You were watching them.

Me:  You hate the Picture Box. When did this happen?

Stella:  I hate the giant Picture Box. You were watching the littler Picture Box.

Me:  Oh, that! Those weren’t bug face people.

Stella:  Don’t tell me about bug faces. I know what bug faces look like.

Me: What you saw were astronauts. They were wearing helmets.

Stella:  I don’t know what astronuts are. Sounds like they belong in trees with the squirrels. And why would a human wear a bug face? Sounds like a human plot to scare dogs.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Okay, we’re getting outdoor stuff done a little early this evening.

Stella:  How come?

Me:  There’s a mammatus sky overhead and some weather is predicted.

Stella:  A tomato sky? How did tomatoes get in the sky? And why do I care? I don’t eat tomatoes anyway.

Me:  Not tomato. Mammatus.

Stella:  Mama?

Me:  Actually, that’s not too far off. It doesn’t always mean bad weather, but it usually does signal turbulence aloft.

Stella:  Where is a loft?

Me:  Way up in the air.

Stella:  Is this one of those times we should ask the Great Creator for help?

Me:  We should always do that anyway.

Stella:  Okay. I’ll start. You finish. And Lady Human…

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  Thank you for always making sure to check the sky and that we are inside when we need to be.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The sky will always be gray from now on. The sun has moved away and left us.

Me: No, it hasn’t.

Wiggles:  It has been days and days and days on end since it has even peeked at us. It ran away, Lady Human. It didn’t like us as much as we liked it.

Me:  There has just been a lot of cloud cover and rain lately.

Miss Sweetie:  Why didn’t the sun like us enough to stay? How come it ran off?

Me:  The sun has not run off…

Doodlebug: I think the sun is scared and is hiding.

Stella:  What ever could the sun be scared of? It is a big fiery ball in the sky. Wait! What’s that?

Me:  It is the sun shining through. The clouds are breaking. The sun has been there the whole time. We just couldn’t see it down here.

Stella:  A likely story! How about when it hides every night? Where does it go then, huh?

Me: Actually, it is still in place. We are the ones that move.

Stella: You just make up wilder and wilder stories, Lady Human. I am here every night and I don’t move. I have seen the sun running away and hiding. But I guess even the sun deserves a break.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  And an expert cracker thief.

Stella:  How dare you? What crackers? Where? Here? Now? Lady Human, are you holding out on me?

Me:  I am just getting them ready to hand out.

Wiggles:  What are you doing?

Me:  Breaking them in half.

Stella:  Let me see! Her piece is bigger!

Wiggles:  No, it’s not! Your piece is bigger! Not fair!

Me:  Okay, fine. One whole cracker each.

Wiggles:  Let me see! Her whole cracker is bigger!

Me:  No, look. See? The same size, one on top of the other.

Wiggles: (snatch) Mmmm.

Stella:  She got both!

Me:  I’ll find two for you.

Wiggles: Who’s the expert cracker thief now?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.