I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Excuse me, Sweetie. Move, please.
Sweetie: No, Lady Human, you move.
Me: No, YOU MOVE.
Sweetie: NO, YOU!
Me: NO, YOU!
Sweetie: NO, YOU!
MoonCat: Excuse me while I withdraw to a quieter bulldog/human-free area.
Doodlebug: Hey, I want to play. MOVE!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie, look out behind you! She’s got nail clippers!
Sweetie: Lady Human, were you sneaking up on me with nail clippers?
Me: Who? Me? Why would I do something like that?
MoonCat: Because humans are sneaky, but not being cats, they aren’t very good at it.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what you are doing is weird, even for a human.
Sweetie: Stop that! You are walking, but not going anywhere. That’s unnatural and not bulldoggy at all.
Me: Well, I’m not a bulldog. And this is an elliptical. It’s an exercise machine.
MoonCat: Steer clear of the monster’s metal legs, y’all. I’m parking myself way out of reach.
Me: What’s the matter? This thing doesn’t move unless I move it.
Sweetie: How come you are walking and not going anywhere?
Doodlebug: Yeah, why not just walk like yourself? Or like us?
Sweetie: Enough fake walking. Stop it, Lady Human. Go back to normal…if that is even something you ever were.
Doodlebug (whispering): What was that about? Walking without going anywhere.
Sweetie: Yeah, next thing you know, humans will climb into a metal box with wings and try to fly like a bird.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: It’s Fall!
MoonCat: Fall? What fell? I didn’t do it.
Sweetie: Are you sure, Lady Human? I didn’t hear anything fall.
Me: No, this is Fall, the season. You know. Autumn!
Doodlebug: Please make up your mind, ma’am.
Sweetie: Yeah. What fell?
Me: Nothing yet, but by tomorrow, the temperature will. 95° high today, high of 84° tomorrow.
Sweetie: Said the human in her mysterious language.
Me: Cooler! Fall means cooler.
Doodlebug: Why call it “Fall” then? Why not just call it “Cooler” or “Not so Hot”?
Sweetie: Humans never think things through.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Sweetie has placed her posterior in your softie chair.
Me: I noticed that. It’s been quite a while. I figured it was just to hot yet.
Sweetie: Yes, it’s still too hot, but I needed to survey my kingdom from a high spot.
MoonCat: Uh-oh, I feel a debate coming on.
Doodlebug: What do you mean your kingdom? It’s MY kingdom! I am the King! Just because I don’t choose to sit in a fancy human chair…
Me: Yeah, I never see you trying to sit on a chair.
Doodlebug: They are too confining.
Sweetie: What he means is that his posterior is too big.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie? Sweetie?
Sweetie: Huh?
Me: You look like you’re asleep sitting up. Some of my friends would call you knackered.
Sweetie: What do you call me?
Me: Dog-tired.
Sweetie: Nope. Can’t just be dog-tired. I have to be bulldog-tired. We always do everything better. Now pardon me while I sleep sitting up just to prove I can.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Old English Bulldogges. Where is supper, Lady Human?
Me: Coming…There! How’s that look?
Sweetie: That’s wrong!
Doodlebug: Yeah, where’s the good stuff?
Me: That is good stuff.
Sweetie: No. No. No. Where’s the good stuff! You know. The GOOD STUFF!
Me: I don’t have any of the canned meat today, if that’s what you mean.
Doodlebug: MoonCat is getting some!
Me: MoonCat is getting cat food made for cats.
Sweetie: Yeah, but it smells wonderfully stinky and it’s in a can so why not let us try it?
Me: Nope. Let’s not cross that line.
Doodlebug: Not fair.
MoonCat: Eminently fair. And delicious. AND FOR CATS. Some lines should never be crossed.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Okay, when is it? When is it? When is it?
Me: When is what?
Sweetie: The special teatime you keep talking about. We’re ready.
Me: Oh, that’s just a human thing.
Doodlebug: Oh, no. Bait and switch, everybody!
Me: No, not ‘bait and switch’. You have your afternoon food. I have mine.
Sweetie: Yeah, hmmpphh. You get the good stuff.
MoonCat: No, I think, if you pay attention, you’ll see that Lady Human and I both get the good stuff. I’m glad that’s settled.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie? Why haven’t you eaten your food?
Sweetie: I can’t. There’s a bug on my bowl.
Me: Oh, it’s just a fly. Shoo it off.
Sweetie: Do you eat food that a fly has sat on?
Me: As a matter of fact…
Sweetie: Ooo! Don’t tell me!
Me: Look. A fly wouldn’t stand a chance of sitting on your bowl if your big ole bulldog mouth would eat when your food is set down and not hours later.
Sweetie: There’s just no telling where its feet have been.
MoonCat: No doubt all the same places your feet have been.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Where’s Sweetie?
Sweetie: Nowhere in particular.
MoonCat: Check behind the couch. Follow the sound of scraping.
Me: Sweetie?
Sweetie: Nope, nothing back here but…well, nothing.
Me: Sweetie! You’ve got my little fan’s electric cord tangled around your feet.
Sweetie: Oh, is that what that is? How did that get there?
Doodlebug: Well, you know how. You started playing with it and wound it around you.
Me: I don’t care about the fan, but I don’t want you to get hurt, so here goes the fan, off by itself where no one can get tangled in it.
Sweetie: Oh, pooh! It was my best friend when it blew on me.
Me: But it can’t blow when the cord is unplugged.
Sweetie: Well, just plug it back in over here where all these other electric plug and electric strings are.
Me: Nope. That is all going away. Safety first.
Sweetie: What’s second? Is second fun?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What is that awful noise? Lady Human, I blame you!
Me: Yeah, it’s me. Sorry. I’m gagging on a lot of allergy drainage.
Doodlebug: Oh, yeah, we’ve done that before, too.
MoonCat: Not me. I’ve never made annoying sounds.
Doodlebug: Take some of those tiny pink treats you gave us.
Me: The medicine? I have. It’ll just take a little time.
Sweetie: Nope! All gagging stops now! Bulldog order! It’s naptime!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How come the humans were sitting around all day yesterday?
Me: It was a holiday called Labor Day, so lots of people were off work.
Doodlebug: Does “labor” mean “lounge on chairs and do nothing”?
Me: No, actually “labor” means work.
MoonCat: Oh, my word! The workings of the human mind.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 