Hello! I have returned to my blog to give you my insight, the wisdom of an Olde English Bulldogge, and please understand that Olde English Bulldogge is my official breed and has nothing to do with my age or nationality. I don’t really know what “nationality” means. I will ask about that another time.
Anyway, my transcriptionist (a.k.a. Lady Human – yes, I am still employing her. I wish I could get someone better, but no one else will work for a dog for free) – she tells me that I am not being NICE to the other dogs or to the cat and that I should try harder to be NICE.
NICE is a human word that does not translate well into dog languages. I am attempting to understand what I am supposed to do, what NICE is, but the best I can grasp to this point from the humans is that NICE means:
“no pooping or peeing inside the human house”
And about a million other things that humans think are important. (No, I do not know how many a million is, but I gather that it is a bunch, like more than all the treats in the world. So I would not mind having a million NICE treats.)
I don’t think that I can be NICE. It is too big a burden for one dog, especially a bulldog.
Soft? My face is smooshy soft, but how does that help the other dogs or Moon the cat.
No barking? That’s simply unreasonable. I AM A DOG! Besides which, THEY STARTED IT!
No biting? Look at my face with that big under bite. I was born to bite. And besides, I have never bitten any human or animal (not that there weren’t a few who deserved it. Just my opinion.) So technically, I am already NICE in this category.
No pooping or peeing inside the human house? But what if I NEED to. What if it’s NICE for me?
No whining? Awwwww!
Tastes good? Nobody better go taste on me, I tell you what!
Feels good? That’s all right. I am NICE in that category. You can pet me all you want and then some.
Smells good? I admit it. Sometimes I make odors that are not pleasant, even to me, but if I have to be NICE and not make bad smells, then so do the others! How about some NICE smells for me?
Fits well? I can’t help the shape I am. I am a bulldog and there are lots of places that I don’t fit. Like on the floor of that little car we take camping. I tried to fit myself there, but the back seat was much more accommodating. And it is true, I am not a lap dog, but I am still trying. The humans’ laps have just got to get bigger.
The humans are going to have to come up with stuff I can do, stuff that’s not NICE.
Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.