I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How come the humans were sitting around all day yesterday?
Me: It was a holiday called Labor Day, so lots of people were off work.
Doodlebug: Does “labor” mean “lounge on chairs and do nothing”?
Me: No, actually “labor” means work.
MoonCat: Oh, my word! The workings of the human mind.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
And I am Sweetie. I am as my name and my face imply.
I am MoonCat. I am NOT a bulldog and I have not nor will I ever learn anything from a bulldog.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Complaint!
Me: What else is new?
Doodlebug: It’s hot, Lady Human.
Me: Yes, I noticed that.
Sweetie: The sky fans aren’t pulling their weight.
Me: The ceiling fans are turned on full blast.
Sweetie: Not good enough!
Doodlebug: We need more sky fans. There! And there! And there! And…
Me: Sorry. There’s no more room for more ceiling fans. We’ll just have to make do.
Sweetie: Make do? Is that another human failure thing?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Why are you banging your metal bowls around?
Sweetie: Because they are empty.
Me: That’s because you already ate your supper.
Doodlebug: They do make a nice sound when they knock together.
Me: Not at midnight, they don’t. Y’all need better manners.
Doodlebug: Since when?
Sweetie: Yeah, we’re bulldogs. We don’t need no silly manners.
MoonCat: That right there says all you need to know about bulldogs.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Sweetie: Roll, roll, roll your boat, gently down the cardboard…
Me: Sweetie, that’s not exactly how the old song goes.
Sweetie: It’s not your old human song, ma’am. It’s my new bulldog song. Nothing like a vigorous roll on the cardboard box accompanied by a loud song.
Me: Well, it is fun to watch.
Sweetie: Humans should try it. It’s a lot less boring than watching the Picture Box.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: How well I know! What’s the problem, boy?
Doodlebug: Problem? What problem? There’s no problem.
Sweetie: She means why are you barking in your sleep?
Doodlebug: I was doing no such thing!
MoonCat: Yes. You were. Admit the truth, bulldog! You all are blabbermouths even when you sleep.
Doodlebug: Well, if I was talking in my sleep, and that’s a big IF, it’s because I had something to say. So…what did I say?
Sweetie: I dunno.
MoonCat: Who cares?
Me: I needed an interpreter.
Doodlebug: It could have been the most important thing ever said and you humans have all these phones and recording dealywhoppers and nobody captured my special comments…
Sweetie: Whoa there, big boy! Let’s not get carried away! Not every burp that you let loose smells like roses.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“If you see a bulldog up a tree, something’s wrong!”
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“Sometimes a face says it all.”
Copyright 2024. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: And I am Sweetie and no one enters here unless I say so. And I don’t.
Me: Why are you body blocking me?
Sweetie: Because I can.
Me: Excuse me!
Sweetie: Nope.
Me: I need to pass, please.
Sweetie: I don’t think so.
MonnCat: I am so glad that I can just jump over bulldogs.
Me: I need to get over there.
Sweetie: Or what?
Me: Or there won’t be any food in your bowl.
Sweetie: Oh, well, that’s different. I didn’t know you were doing something useful at last. Proceed.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Everybody, get over there now. That’s an order!
Me: Hold on! I’m working on something here.
Sweetie: Too bad. Too sad. Everybody goes over there right now.
Me: Are you trying to herd us? We aren’t cows and you aren’t a working dog.
Doodlebug: You got that right, Lady Human. More like a sleeping dog.
MoonCat: I believe I will just take myself out of this cattle herd right now and go back to the ranch. Nobody herds cats.
Sweetie: Hey! Yeehah! Look at me! I’m a cowboy. This is a roundup! They don’t call me “bull” dog for nothin’.
Me, Doodlebug and MoonCat: Oh, great!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“Someone left the lights on.”
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, watch out! How are the humans going to know I am the King if you interrupt me.
Sweetie: How indeed? Move aside! Coming through!
Me: Ow, that’s my foot.
Sweetie: Your foot should be more careful where it puts itself.
MoonCat: I’m just going to put myself in a nice out of the way corner until this is over.
Me: We need to start exercising a little common courtesy around here.
Sweetie: Okay. How little?
Doodlebug: And how common?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Hmmph.
Me: Okay, I know that hmmph. What’s wrong?
Sweetie: My water has a funny smell.
Me: Only if it’s a smell you put in it just now. I washed your bowl and refilled it not half an hour ago.
Sweetie: Smell it.
Me: Sorry, I don’t smell a thing.
Doodlebug: She means use your bulldog nose.
Me: I don’t have a bulldog nose.
Sweetie: Can you order one? From that place that sends all the great cardboard boxes?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Okay, not again! LADY HUMAN!
Sweetie: What have you done now, Lady Human?
Me: Not a thing. I’m enjoying the power outages just like the rest of you.
Sweetie: Where is my fan air?
Me: Same place as my lamp light.
Doodlebug: You can use the Great Creator’s Big Light. It’s on. For right now.
Me: And you can breathe and enjoy His fresh air. It’s on, too.
Sweetie: Bulldogs have certain minimum requirements that are not being met.
Me: Why don’t we all just settle down and relax?
Doodlebug: Relax? We are full-blown bulldogs! How little you know us!
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
May 28, 2024, 6:05 a.m.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The sky is wailing, Lady Human. Please tell it to shut up.
Me: That’s the Tornado Warning.
Sweetie: So this is another human mess.
Me: Well, the siren is human, but no, we did not invent tornadoes.
Doodlebug: Don’t they know some of us are trying to sleep?
MoonCat: They don’t care about such things. Interruptions are their forte.
Me: Nobody is supposed to sleep just now. That siren says they have detected a hook cloud in the county. That means nearby.
Sweetie: Does this mean an early breakfast?
Me: It can. Is that why you came to get me?
Sweetie: No, I came to get you because I love you. And I wanted to visit with you. And to see if I could get an early breakfast.
BOOM!
Sweetie: Oh, Lady Humaaannn. The patio door’s open.
Me: Oh, great! The wind blew it open! The latch can’t hold it. I’ll have to.
Doodlebug: If the door’s open, we can all go outside to pee.
Me: Nobody is going outside to do anything. We are hunkering down. Except for me. I’m holding the door closed. Yay.
MoonCat: Consider me hunkered down. Y’all sleep tight.
Doodlebug: How long will this go on?
Me: Until the storm passes.
Sweetie: Who turned off the lights? How am I supposed to see my breakfast…when it eventually gets here?
Me: Power’s off. And now we’ve lost the phone and the internet, too.
Doodlebug: Point me in the right direction. I’ll go sniff ’em out.
Me: Sorry, Doodle. It don’t work that way.
Sweetie: The door is pushing you, Lady Human! Bulldog it! You’re plenty big enough!
Me: At least the steel gate is holding. That’s working.
Sweetie: Nothing else around here seems to be. Okay, time for early breakfast!
Me: Sorry, girl. You’ll have to wait until I can let go of the door.
Sweetie: See, Doodle! Keeping the wind and rain out of the house is more important to humans than breakfast. They have their priorities all wrong.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Service, please!
Me: Already?
Doodlebug: Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. My bed blankets need changing.
Me: I just gave you clean blankets last night.
Doodlebug: Yes, but these smell yucky now.
Sweetie: Yeah, they smell like him.
MoonCat: Need I say more?
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: MoonCat? What are you doing all the way back here?
MoonCat: Exploring the wonderful bulldog-free mysteries of this palace.
Me: Well, It’s not exactly a palace…
MoonCat: It has rooms, floors, halls, doors, and this lovely litter box cubicle. Of course, it’s a palace. And no bulldogs.
Me: Well, every once in a while they wander in here.
MoonCat: Don’t spoil it for me, Lady Human.
Me: And this is my bathroom, not a litter box cubicle.
MoonCat: You could have fooled me.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you laughing at, Lady Human? And Sweetie, how come you’re laughing, too? I’m serious. I’m not funny.
Me: Your head. A flower drifted down from a tree and it’s sitting on your head like a tiny hat.
Sweetie: You look goofy.
Doodlebug: Get it off! I can’t look goofy! I’m the king!
Me: It’s just a flower.
Doodlebug: No one will take me seriously.
Sweetie: Too late. No one ever has.
Me: It’s alright. It just blew away.
Doodlebug: Good. No tree should put a hat on me anyway. Now I’m normal.
Sweetie: I wouldn’t say that.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Service! Service here now!
Me: Hold your horses!
Doodlebug: We have no horses to hold.
Sweetie: But if we did, you’d better believe we could hold them.
Me: I’m mean, what’s the hurry?
Doodlebug: Me. I’m the hurry.
Me: It’s not like you’re going to give me a tip.
Sweetie: Tip?
Me: Yeah, a reward “to improve promptness”.
Doodlebug: Here’s a tip. Promptly let me outside or you will promptly be cleaning up the floor.
Me: Fair enough.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie, stop!
Sweetie: Stop what?
Me: Think for a second. What are you doing right now?
Sweetie: Talking to you.
Me: Before that.
Sweetie: Minding my own business.
Me: You were chewing on the corner of the plastic box.
Sweetie: Oh, that. That’s just a hobby of mine.
Me: Stop it. Why would you even do that?
Sweetie: Because…fun.
Me: It’s not food. It can’t taste very good. And it could harm you if you swallow any of it. Be reasonable.
Sweetie: Oh, you mean like humans?
Me: We don’t chew on plastic.
Sweetie: No, you just chew on everything else.
Copyright 2024 H. J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 