Hello. I, Stella the Olde English Bulldogge, have returned to invite you to share my thoughts on all things bulldoggy, but first a clarification. Despite what my transcriptionist may have written recently, my name is not Hey. My name is Stella and I command …all right, I prefer that everyone use it. I won’t offer an opinion as to what the other bulldogs should be called or whether or not the “Hey” word applies to them.
Actually, I will.
“Hey!” does not apply to me because I do not provoke it. I don’t go around picking up odd objects with my mouth. Any objects I pick up go into my hoard and become mine by right of possession. If someone else claims them, too bad, too sad, they should not have left them alone on the floor in the first place. Finders keepers, as the humans say, losers…well, losers.
Who among us should be called “Hey!”?
Presenting the current List of Offenders ranked from most offensive to least:
- HEY! WIGGLES! – I saw you, Wiggles! You thought that I was asleep, but I have learned to keep one eye open. You ran by and snatched Mr. Long Blue Squishy Hound right out of my bed and attempted to race with him into the yard where who knows what would have happened to him. Thankfully, Lady Human saw what you did and rescued Mr. Long Blue Squishy Hound before you could abscond with him. Well done, Lady Human! Wiggles, your name is Hey!
- HEY! TIGER! – The feud with Snoopey has calmed down, but it must end! When you two are barking at each other, I can’t hear the TV. I don’t like hearing barking dogs on it either, but at least they are part of the show. And that Stephen Colbert makes the humans laugh. I like hearing the humans laugh. But when you are barking, I CAN’T! Tiger, your name is Hey!
- HEY! SNOOPEY! – You know that whiny little sound you make to get Lady Human’s attention when she is busy with delicious-smelling food in the kitchen, well, CUT IT OUT! If you interrupt her, the delicious smell will go away and we all know that you don’t really need anything except to be the center of her attention. Snoopey, your name is Hey!
- HEY! MOON THE CAT! – No, that doesn’t work at all. I’ve never even heard a human say “hey” to the cat. I wish it did work. I would shout, “Hey! Cat! GET OFF THE LADY HUMAN’S CHAIR! THAT’S NOT YOUR BED!” Who does she think she is? It should be my bed.
So who among us should be called “Hey!”? Certainly not me.
Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges
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